Help

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Poetry
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Help

Post by Poetry » Fri Nov 30, 2018 11:10 am

I was so busy yesterday as we had visitors and I was tired, and I think the stress of the last eighteen months with my son caught me, so I did not look at the forum, but what a wealth of wisdom there was when I logged on this morning.

We tried to help OUR son, in particular these last eight months (until giving up about a month ago-ie my husband was still seeing him and trying to counsel him, but we were on our last legs).

One question I think is useful for anyone tempted to help/enable an addict is, "Who are you hurting (other than the addict) by doing this?"

I have to bear the hurt now of my husband's optimistic efforts to get our son to change, the memory of his despair when it had not worked. If he gets involved again, this will hurt me again.

For those of us tempted to enable. what about other children whom we might have/partners? It's not good enough-them seeing us disappointed again, never mind out of pocket.

I pray for my son night and morning and try hard not to be bitter, and I shall send him a text every Sunday night-though he probably has a different phone now.

Like Gloria, I find it hard to look at babies and toddlers with their happy parents, and feel full of joy for the family. I find I'm ok if a toddler looms into view and grins at me, but if the parent approaches I cannot engage like I used to.

My son has CHOSEN, and chooses STILL to put me through all this, and make no mistake, there is help for addicts out there, plenty of help. They can rescue themselves if they want to. I feel LOVE for my son and a hefty dollop of righteous ANGER.

All of you-thank you. We will get through with one another. If you were not all there, my life would be very different. Love Poetry. x

gloria1953
Posts: 675
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Help

Post by gloria1953 » Fri Nov 30, 2018 12:00 pm

Hear, hear, Poetry and Marelli.

Just checking in with Sadie, I have been thinking about you throughout the night.

I hope that things are better for you today. Sometimes even the daylight makes things clearer.

G

Sadie
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:01 pm

Re: Help

Post by Sadie » Fri Nov 30, 2018 4:22 pm

thank you for your words of wisdom.. i know you are all correct, but it is still so heartbreaking.

today i feel a bit better after spending about 2 hours crying yesterday and then not sleeping all night.. went to the gym this morning before work and had a really positive working day which i have not had for ages.. no calls today so i dont know if he has been released on bail or anything.. phone is going off tonight and i am determined to have a nice evening with my husband.. i have to get into the right mindframe.. i looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw a really old old person staring back at me. my son is killing me and that is not fair.

i am so relieved that i have joined this forum.. you are all amazing.

xxxx god bless you all.

Poetry
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Help

Post by Poetry » Fri Nov 30, 2018 5:46 pm

Sadie, you keep going! You deserve far, far better than to look in the mirror and to be shocked at what you see. You sound like a delightful person, and with time and the right attitude to your son, you will feel confidence returning.

Sadie, being tough does not mean we don't love our addicts. You need to get yourself to a "place" where you have a bit of acceptance, some peace made with the situation, and the ability to think about your son with a measure of tranquillity.

It will come if you are determined. My husband and I talk about our son, admittedly a little sarcastically from time to time (!) but increasingly with affection and the reliving of memories of his childhood.

You two have a nice evening. You are doing so well. Early days. Poetry. x

Sadie
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:01 pm

Re: Help

Post by Sadie » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:07 pm

hello everyone, I am back again.. thought I could be strong with all this but now back at the bottom again.
my son is now apparently homeless and robbing shops for food. I have been told he has help available where he is, but he is choosing to do this. not sure how he is not back in prison, which is probably where he needs to be for the best. he has been kicked out of the homeless shelter as he has been causing problems (clearly due to the drugs) he is now getting money from my ex..who I have told to stop as he is feeding him drugs and not food.
my son has now contacted me yesterday for the first time since November and straight away asked for money and then again 30 minutes later.. and now again today. I have ignored the messages.I AM NOT GIVING HIM ANOTHER CENT..
he has just txted me to ask if he can come home?.. I can't allow that.. i can't put myself through this again.

please tell me I am right?? as for the cancer, again, there is no evidence and if it was true would he not tell me he is dying and needs care? Would he not stop the drugs?
I am going out of my mind with this.. am I doing the right thing? I do not have the energy to do anything anymore..

if someone thinks i am wrong, please tell me? the guilt is eating me alive but if he came back, i know it would not be any different and the burden would be worse as i would have to watch him sink deeper and deeper.

Poetry
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Help

Post by Poetry » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:50 pm

Sadie, have a look at what I wrote a while back in answer to Millie.

Of course you are right not to want that horror in your life. His choice.

Interesting word, "choice." Some people suffering have NO CHOICE about eg cancer, schizophrenia etc., and would love to spare their families suffering. Our sons are choosing to make us suffer.

I'm going to try to sleep now (I have ME) and it will be in my peaceful house that I rest. My son is NOT coming back here.

Sending strength.Poetry

gloria1953
Posts: 675
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Help

Post by gloria1953 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:38 pm

Dear Sadie

I am so sorry that he is putting you through this. What a tragic waste. You are absolutely right to turn him down - yes, he is in a desperate state but that is his own doing and not yours.

Please do not berate yourself. He is in a parlous state but nothing that you do can help him. We help the most when we help the least.

He has yet to reach rock bottom though it seems as it is approaching fast. One can only hope that when he does it will be a wake up call but you cannot do anything to prevent it or help it along.

Please take care of yourself.

G

LM66
Posts: 976
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Help

Post by LM66 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:17 pm

Hi Sadie

You've made the right choice. You have to take care of yourself. Your son knows where and how to seek help - he just isn't ready to.
Meanwhile, you have to try and lessen the impact he has on your health and well-being.
It's an awful feeling, but stick by your guns Sadie.

Much Love
L x

Millie
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:50 pm

Re: Help

Post by Millie » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:51 pm

Dear Sadie
I too am new on here and have reached out for support and it had really helped me mentally. I have just had to refuse my son a bed when he begged and cried and told me this time is different. I'm hoping it gets a bit easier. Try to protect yourself from the begging, stay strong and keep reading posts on here, we are not alone.
Much love to you xxx

Sadie
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:01 pm

Re: Help

Post by Sadie » Sat Jan 05, 2019 1:38 pm

Thank you all for your support! Really needed the reassurance from you all! Makes me feel human! My husband is going out of his mind worrying about my health with all this! I am trying so hard to be strong and you are all helping! You are moms too and that makes the difference! Thank you all xx

Poetry
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Help

Post by Poetry » Sat Jan 05, 2019 10:17 pm

Sadie, prioritise yourself. I won't go into details about how ill I became in September, as a result of my son's behaviour and the incessant worry, but suffice it to say I collapsed with an existing health problem, which had flared up owing to stress.

Husband said I had to opt out (I was bedridden) so he took over and I watched him be driven down too, and begin to suffer from anxiety and stress.

It is very different now. I think Nature takes a hand and tells you to protect yourself. You must. Your mind and body begin to self protect but you must let it happen and not fight it.

I used to worry ALL THE TIME about whether my son was dead of an overdose. I don't worry any longer. I just want to survive myself, but I still love him, still feel anguish about his lost chances, his ruined life. But it's calm now, and I can think clearly again. Love Poetry.

Sadie
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:01 pm

Re: Help

Post by Sadie » Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:00 am

Thank you Poetry! Will be glad to get to the point where I can give advise too. You going through the same thing and you are helping others! You are so strong for us. Thank you

Sadie
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:01 pm

Re: Help

Post by Sadie » Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:34 pm

hi all

not been on for a long time now as been trying to forget about everything and get on with my life.. but it has now started again to get me down. I know there are no answers, but just putting it down in writing helps me.

my son is doing the begging thing again to the full extreme.. I have been told that he is suffering from withdrawals today so hence the begging. his daughter has a birthday today and he is begging for money for a present.. I know full well it will go on drugs, therefore have ignored him.
but I still feel like my insides are being ripped apart. I seriously do not see any hope anymore and just pray that he makes it through the nights now.

how can they ruin their lives like this.. it is so very sad but I have to be stronger. I am still not sleeping much and always thinking of what is happening to him.

if only they could see what they do to us.

Poetry
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Help

Post by Poetry » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:00 pm

Sadie, I do understand. Sometimes just posting on here make me feel better. It's a torture we could not possibly understand-a loved one's addiction-if we were not going through it.

I'm so sorry your son has got to you and destroyed the fragile peace you were finding. Be firm. It's heartbreaking to think that he asked for money for a child's present. It is sometimes the contemplation of the horror which is addiction which is hardest to reconcile with our everyday lives.

I identify with lying awake consumed with worry. Were my son to be in touch, I think I might still be doing that, but I've had to accept I don't know if he is all right or not. That said, I lie awake going over the DREADFUL things he has done and said, and my exhausted mind even gets involved in revenge scenarios. I'm past anger, though, to be honest.

Repeating a prayer or mantra does help to fend off those obsessive thoughts. It's not much but worth a try.

Again, it's not much, but I do keep hold of the knowledge that my son is choosing this; as you say, why are they putting us through this? I had a sudden recollection of my addict son, who is the oldest of three, dressing his youngest brother for school one morning. I don't know whether that memory is hopeful or despairing.

Please try to do whatever it is which soothes you, and find a moment of peace in the most anxious day. Sending love. Poetry.

gloria1953
Posts: 675
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Help

Post by gloria1953 » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:39 pm

Dear Sadie

The anguish you must be feeling - my heart goes out to you. To think that he has chosen this life of degradation is too much to bear.

You are so strong to be able to say no - you are so wise to know it is not in your hands. At times like this my mantra is Let go and let God. I find it gives me strength to go on.

I will say a prayer for you.

G

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