Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

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Deerose
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:17 am

Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Deerose » Wed Mar 13, 2019 8:45 pm

I found out on Sunday night my partner has been usuing 120 pounds worth of cocaine a day for over the last year and my heart is broken I dont know what to do I made him to his gp and they have referred him to groups he has joined Cocaine anonymous and hasn't took any since Sunday but his gp is making a social services referral about my daughter and dont know why as I dont drink smoke use drugs she has health issues and I'm such a good parent but so worried about this. I love my partner but I am so lost he is also 8 thousand pound in debt to drug dealers and I truly feel so lost any advice at all would be really helpful.
Thank you.

paulineglasgow
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 6:18 pm
Location: glasgow

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by paulineglasgow » Wed Mar 13, 2019 10:09 pm

Hi Deerose

My partner is also an addict so I know how u feel. When I found out my partner was an addict it felt like my world had fallen apart. I also have children and I have done my best to shield them from his illness. I wouldn't worry about social services. The doctor has a duty of care and protocol to follow when theres a child in the family of an addict. It has no reflection on your capability of being a good mother they will find this out and see theres no need to worry about your child. Families anonymous has given me great support and I would suggest you get yourself to a meeting near you. Take care xx

Deerose
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:17 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Deerose » Thu Mar 14, 2019 6:37 am

Thank you Pauline I am very thankful for the message back -i have seen a group on a Thursday night somewhere in Glasgow if I can get child care I will head through to that after work .Thanks again xxx

gloria1953
Posts: 688
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by gloria1953 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:15 am

Dear Deerose

I am sure that this has hit you like a sledgehammer. My son was the one who was the addict but there are quite a few gals on the forum that are in your position.

We don't give advice as such but what I would say is that you have had a shock and you will need some time to process it. I would also say that it is highly unlikely that your husband will just stop because he is psychologically addicted. To do two grams a day every day for a year is a proper habit. And he has probably been doing it longer than he admits. It is also highly unlikely that he is £8000 in debt to drug dealers - dealers demand cash on delivery for most part. One thing that you will find out is that addicts lie and lie and lie some more. Their whole world is based on lies.

I am sure that you are an excellent mother and that your daughter is in very good hands with you. But the GP was right to do what he did though I very much doubt anything will come of it. I am afraid that though, that no matter what one does to shield their child from a partner's addiction, it still affects them - I know this from my friendship with an addict some years ago.

The only thing I can say is this - you didn't create this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It will be down to your husband to decide that he doesn't want to be that guy anymore. Nothing that you say or do will change it but believe it or not that takes a lot of the burden from you.

It is early days yet and you will run through the gamut of emotions. This is normal.

Take care of yourself and your little girl first.

G

Deerose
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:17 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Deerose » Thu Mar 14, 2019 2:26 pm

Thank you for your response Gloria I love him with all my heart but dont know what to do do I make him leave and cut all ties with him ? I have ordered cocaine strips from Amazon the same ones the hospital use and going to test every day I have bought a 3 months supply and one I get down to the last month I will order more I have given the ulimatem that if he does it again I dont want him in mine or my daughters life which I stand by whether that is right or wrong .my daughter has enough going on with her health issues never mind having an addict as a father.xxx

gloria1953
Posts: 688
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by gloria1953 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:54 pm

Dear Deerose

You have to do what is right for you and your daughter. My own opinion is that there should never an addict in a house with a child but my opinion is not what counts here.

Do you really want to be in the position of testing him every day? Is that the basis of a relationship? And to be honest,there are so many ways around those tests, believe me.

When I found out about my son's addiction I was sure that he could just stop and then go back to normal. If only! If it was so easy to just stop, there would be no rehab centres and there would be no need for FA, AA or NA. The addict must first deal with the issues that led to his/her addiction -without this, there is no lasting recovery. Your husband's recovery is in his hands, not yours.

It is probably best at the present moment not to make any serious decisions - you are still in a state of shock. Are there any friends of his or family that might be able to lend you some support?

Take some time to heal and then consider your options. He may very well want to stop or he may be giving you lip service. While it is still so raw you will find it difficult to discern which is which. Take some time to think it through and see how he responds. If you do feel that you and your daughter are in imminent danger then you will have to take steps. In the meantime easy does it.

G

Deerose
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:17 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Deerose » Thu Mar 14, 2019 6:27 pm

Thank you for you advice gloria I appreciate it.xx

PoppyV
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:20 pm

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by PoppyV » Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:37 am

Hello Deerose

I don't have advice as such but a few weeks ago I found out that my son is a cocaine addict and his partner found out the same day. She had no idea and like you she had been lied and lied to. It was a massive shock to me and even more so to her. My son was at the point of seeking help for himself, and has now gone into residential rehab. From what I have learned over the past few weeks, going into rehab (or in fact any sort of treatment) has to be what the addict chooses themselves, as otherwise it's unlikely to work. Like your partner, my son had racked up huge debts and was on the point of losing his job into the bargain. I have also learned that you need to impose strong boundaries and be prepared to keep them firmly. This can be incredibly hard when it's a loved-one who's crying and begging for (eg) money, forgiveness, "one last chance" if you'll do x or y. If you've stated your boundary clearly then you must stick to it, however horrible that feels.

This group is full of great support but I would also suggest you try to find a family support group local to you - there's links on here somewhere about Families Anonymous meetings, and Al-anon are good too. If you can encourage your partner to go to meetings, that's great too. My son went to a couple of cocaine anonymous ones, and has had some very useful support and contact from the members of the group he met.

Keep strong, we're all here for you
Poppy

Deerose
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:17 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Deerose » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:36 am

Hi Poppy thank you for your advice-he is going to groups and waiting on word back from the gp etc he has no access to money and I wont give him any I am very strong willed and will not go back on my word he can either choose to get better or deal with the consequences of losing his family as horrible as that is I will always put my daughter first I just hope he can do it like he is saying but only time will tell .
Thank you very much again xxx

Detachwithlove
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:43 am

Re: Hi looking for advice on cocaine addict partner.

Post by Detachwithlove » Sun Mar 24, 2019 7:06 pm

hi Deerose
I know its two weeks since the date you posted looking for advice regarding your husband but i felt compelled to reach out as i really can relate to you as my husband is also a addict. Drugs were never brought into the house, he always used outside of our home. Which often resulted in him leaving us (myself and his daughter) for weeks on end. So i lucky that social services were never involved in our lives. For 12 years my husband and i were caught in a cycle of playing cat and mouse. He would be secretly using drugs and i would be chasing him trying to catch him out. He would at times go to CA meetings and get clean, at one point for two years, but would fall back in the cycle of using. No matter what i done, threats i made to leave him nothing could stop the madness once he had the urge to use. This cycle carried on for many years till i reached my rock bottom, and decided i had had enough. i broke the cycle, i set boundaries and stuck to them. I put myself first for a change, i focused on my recovery, I wish i had done this sooner. Instead i had spent many years being a co-dependent, also ruled by his addiction. The best advice i can give you is let him hit his rock bottom without you saving him, let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Set boundaries and stick to them. Sometimes the change in the loved one is enough to force a change in the addict. We cant control someone else disease but we can change is how we react. I wish you both luck in your recovery x

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