New here and feeling lost

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MamaBear123
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 08, 2019 8:10 pm

New here and feeling lost

Post by MamaBear123 » Tue May 14, 2019 1:06 pm

Hi, I'm new here and it's been a while since I've used a forum of any kind. But I feel like I need to offload and drugs is such a taboo subject to speak openly about.

I'm here because my 19 year old son's life is being destroyed with his addiction to cannabis and cocaine. My husband is also using cocaine.

I'll start with my son. He lives at home and works for the family business. He spends about £600 a month on weed and I don't know how much on coke. He doesn't try to hide it, a few weeks back his room was decorated so it was all cleared out prior to this and I went in his room to put some clean washing in there and found 13 empty bags of weed and 8 empty bags of coke along with the rolled up paper and a ID card with coke along the sides of it. He has drug debts left, right and centre. When he gets paid he has nothing left within a couple of days. He doesn't care about driving while stoned/high. His car is full of the paraphernalia. His bedroom is vile and is littered with broken cigarettes used for joints, empty baggies, weed dust, grinders along with the dirty plates and cups, unwashed clothes etc. He doesn't look after himself, rarely showers, hardly ever brushes his teeth, puts dirty clothes on most days and doesn't seem to have any love for himself. His mood swings are horrendous I go from worrying that he's going to top himself to being angered by his anger to laughing and joking with him and his hilarious wit. He's missed many work days due to come downs and in my opinion would be unemployable if he weren't working for the family business. I've taken him to the doctor, he did attend a drop in rehab clinic in our area but said it wasn't for him because it was full of crack heads and heroine addicts. He's been smoking weed since he was about 16 - I don't think there's many days that he has been 'sober' during this time. I don't know how long he's been using coke. I love him unconditionally and feel so sad and disappointed for the life that he could be leading. I also feel like I enable him because he tugs on my heart strings and lies. I am trying not to enable him any more and I know he temporarily will hate me for it but feel it needs to be tough love from now on. I feel responsible for why he is the way he is and he's grown up with not enough consequences for his bad choices.

Now my husband. We've been together for 25 years since I was 17 year old and he was 23. He was very anti-drugs when we first got together. He smoked some weed with a friend when we'd been together a couple of years and later became good friends with a heavy weed smoker. When our son was a baby he started smoking it regularly but was always high-functioning and still worked very hard. He stopped for a while but then started smoking weed like most people would smoke cigarettes. He didn't try to hide it from our kids and would skin up in the kitchen and smoke it in the garden and this went on for years. So our kids basically grew up with weed smoking normalised, something that I was massively against and had big arguments about over the years. It got to the point that I said I would be leaving if he didn't stop and eventually he did stop. By this time our son was already smoking it but not so openly.

After my husband stopped the weed he has gone through phases of heavy drinking. 2 bottles of red wine every night, then a phase of drinking over a bottle of rum every night, then a phase of drinking 2-3 bottles of prosecco a night. And hiding it too - he'd buy 2 bottles and leave one in his boot, hide the first empty and pretend the second bottle was the first. And then he has started to do cocaine. I remember first suspecting he'd used it about 17 years ago because he'd spend so much money on a night out but I didn't know much about it and was in denial. I know there's one friend in particular that he always does it with but I've always turned a blind eye to it to keep the peace. He was even doing it at my other son's pre-prom part last summer with a group of 18 year olds. I didn't actually see it but know something was going on. He knows my feelings about it but apparently a little bit of sniff doesn't hurt anyone. We seem to have reached another level with it now and he's been staying up all night and sleeping all day and I believe he does it on his own in the kitchen.

I found some in his car and he gave me some bullsh*t story that I'm insulted he thinks I believe. I know that he has involved our son in his cocaine somehow, something that neither of them have confirmed but I have seen text messages between them. Something neither of them know I have seen because I went snooping because I have absolutely zero trust. Do I feel guilty for snooping? Yes I do and I'm not going to attempt to justify it. I am constantly being lied to, my husband has been withdrawing cash of around £2k a month for months with absolutely nothing to show for it - he says it's for business deals but again it's just another lie and again I feel I just have to go along with it.

I feel my husband should be helping our son as my son isn't high-functioning on the drugs and it is destroying his life and holding him back from the person he could be. My husband pays off our sons drug debts which just allows him to build up more. All his friends think my husband is some kind of Mr. Big but this is the persona he puts out and what he wants everyone to see him as. I'm scared of the people that are likely to come to my house and I still have younger children that shouldn't be around this kind of life.

I have now got to the point where a massive wave is about to swallow me and I can't cope with this any more. I have massive resentment for my husband for doing the drugs himself and for continuing to involve our son in that world. Our family is about to be split apart because I can't go on like it any longer. There are other things that are wrong within our family but the drugs are a massive part of it for me.

I don't know what to do for the best - what can I do? Where can I go? Who can I speak to? Help

gloria1953
Posts: 720
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by gloria1953 » Tue May 14, 2019 3:47 pm

I am so sorry to hear this - I and most of my friends indulged in what I call recreationals in our youth but to carry on into adulthood and then involve one's son is a new one on me and I thought that I heard it all before. No wonder you are at your wit's end. Your husband is using your son as a sort of a human shield to justify his own drug taking. It really is appalling and for once in my life I am really at a loss as to what to say.

The only thing that I can say is that you do not have to accept the unacceptable. You husband is no longer high functioning and as he gets older cocaine use will severely impact his health. The huge problem is that cocaine has become socially acceptable so your husband and son can continue to justify what they do. Neither of them think they have a problem so there is nothing that you can say or do to convince them otherwise. It is also not the best atmosphere for your other children.

Only you can judge what the 'deal breaker' is in your relationship. It is very easy for an outsider to tell you to leave or kick them out but other people are not privy to your domestic arrangements and what you can or can't afford to do. If there is an FA meeting in your area I would strongly suggest that you get to one where you can offload and get the support and strength that you need. The thing you CAN do in the meantime is not enable either of them - no money, no making excuses for them when they are late or they mess up - let them fend for themselves and not drag you in the dirt with them.

Take care.

G

MamaBear123
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 08, 2019 8:10 pm

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by MamaBear123 » Wed May 15, 2019 5:55 pm

Thank you for your reply Gloria. Since I read them, your words have been like a mantra in my mind. I do not have to accept the unacceptable. And I’ve been accepting far too much for far too long. I have a feeling my life is going to take a different path and the thought of it is terrifying! I’m also going to go to the most local FA group I can find.

Thank you again

LM66
Posts: 988
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by LM66 » Sun May 19, 2019 7:37 am

Hi MB
I would agree 100% with what Gloria has said.
We get pulled into their chaos and madness very easily, and end up on a hamster wheel. Fire fighting, til the next crisis comes along.
It's awful being stuck in the middle of it. Drives you almost insane. You can't function and it's just a miserable existence.
As Gloria said - you truly do not have to accept the unacceptable. Emotional attachment has alot to answer for - makes us accept things we wouldnt from someone else. If you look at it - we're allowing people who we love, to bring us to our knees. It's crazy!
One day at a time, with little steps forward MB.

Much Love
L x

MamaBear123
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 08, 2019 8:10 pm

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by MamaBear123 » Sun May 26, 2019 9:36 am

Thank you for your reply L.

I’m still at home at the moment. We have other problems as well as the cocaine and the whole situation is draining and stressful.

I desperately want to get to a support meeting this week and hope to get to my local one on Wednesday. I feel that perhaps I don’t really deserve to go to a meeting. What constitutes deserving the support of a group? My husband insists he doesn’t have a drug problem and that he can stop at any time. My son is ‘only on weed’ and ‘everyone does it’. He also does cocaine but I don’t know how often.

Should I go to a meeting?

Thank you
MB

gloria1953
Posts: 720
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by gloria1953 » Sun May 26, 2019 5:35 pm

Please don't let them cow you. You deserve to have a good life and if their drug taking has a negative effect on you which it obviously does you have a right to seek support.

G

vertigo
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 7:47 pm
Location: UK

Re: New here and feeling lost

Post by vertigo » Sun May 26, 2019 10:58 pm

Hi mamaBear123

You don't have to 'deserve' to go to an FA meeting.

The need for a meeting is determined by how we are, not by how they are.
The only requirement for membership of FA is to be concerned about a loved one's drug use or associated behavioural problems.

You don't even need to know what or whether they're using. It's irrelevant.

If you have a concern, then get to a meeting. Don't think about anything else.

This is about us, not them.

love
V

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