Advice from other mum’s

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Joined: Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:38 pm

Advice from other mum’s

Post by Rainey »


I’m Rainey - new to the forum.

My son is 36yrs and currently using heroin.

From the beginning - unfortunately, my three children witnessed domestic violence direct towards me over many years. My other two children have built a happy life and remain to be a close family. My son, experimented with drugs around the age of 14 and has continued from there. As a mum I feel extremely guilty every day for what my children witnessed and went through.

Over the years my son has drained me emotionally and financially. He has been homeless on numerous occasions due to his own actions. For example, as a family we have got him his own accommodation(s) (paid by us), furnished, food in cupboards and clothed him - he then walks away from all of this and makes excuses why he left. I then find out on many occasions he is homeless and sleeping in a tent near where I live - this hurts as a mum and I also find it embarrassing.
He then will hound me at work begging for money or saying he is hungry and he will also say ‘you owe me’ due to the domestic violence he witnessed. Over the years of feeling guilt I provide him with money, food and clothes (even at times I have put myself in debt to do this).

Currently, my son was bailed to my address last year from prison. I explained to my family that I needed to do this one last time as the guilt eats me up every day.
I set rules and boundaries.
Over the year I haven’t been completely honest with my family, my son has done the following:
Verbally aggressive and threatening if I don’t give him money when he demands it.
He has run my phone bill up 3 times.
He takes my food out of the house and feeds his friends that are also on drugs.
He had brought people back into my house.
I have to hide my purse and belongings in my own house.
He used my house like a hotel.
I don’t smoke - he smokes inside my house when he can’t be bothered to go outside when it’s cold.
And the last straw was when my grandson (age 13) walked past my sons bedroom and saw a needle in his room- I was so upset and angry and I even shouted (which my grandson has never heard me do) and demanded my son pack his bags and leave immediately. He refused to leave until he had a nice bag to pack his things in, which I provided him, He then left and my other children have been very supportive of my decision but it hurts as I still feel guilty and if anything happens to him, ie: if he is found dead in a ditch.
He is currently staying with friends that are also on heroin or other drugs but it is only 1 door down from my address. When he left he had money for drugs and didn’t bother me once, now has no money he hounds me at work begging for money and food, he knocks on my door at night begging for money and food and saying ‘you owe me’. I have only provided him food, NO MONEY - but it is happening every night he knocks on my door.

What I would like to know - what do I do? Will it ever get better? I love my son but I don’t love the person he is when on drugs. He is destroying me and draining me.

Hope that makes sense!

Please, if anyone has any advice it would be very much appreciated.
Many thanks

Posts: 67
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: Advice from other mum’s

Post by Paulette »

Hi Rainey
Welcome to the forum. I'm also pretty new, but I've found it to be incredibly helpful. Just reading through other posts is illuminating and helps us to realise that we are not alone.
As I'm so new I'm not in a position to give advice, but I so empathise with you. Everything you describe you have been through has been experienced by other mums, including me. It's heartbreaking.
What I can say is that it sounds to me like you have done the right thing, and it can't have been easy. Well done. Enough is enough.
The mess and chaos that drug users create in our lives, not to mention the guilt, exhaustion and anxiety is just terrible and it doesn't go away. Many others here have described it as a life sentence. We have to learn to live with it and find peace and joy in our lives, which is really difficult and I'm no-where near that point. I'm sure others would suggest that if there is a meeting near to you, then try to attend, as that would provide the most help and support.
I'm so sorry you had a very difficult time with DV - that's hard to recover from and it sounds like you have, so you must have a lot of resilience somewhere inside you. Your son has found a way to tap into your guilt about his childhood. But your other children did not choose his path. This has been his choice. He's an adult. He has to come to terms with the hand he has been dealt by life and make choices about how best to play that hand. He will keep begging as long as he can, in the hope that he will wear you down. We've all been there and we've all been worn down. I think all you can do is try to find space and time to build your own strength and find that resilience again, so you are strong enough to resist his begging.
Sending you love
Paulette x

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