What now?

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Will7
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:32 pm

What now?

Post by Will7 » Tue Oct 15, 2019 8:25 pm

I found out my partner was abusing drugs 3 years ago now and I’ve tried everything to help. He’s recently had a major relapse so I’ve asked him to leave. After doing more research I feel that I have been enabling his addiction and I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve received a text message that seems borderline suicidal and I don’t know if it’s a cry for attention, if they’re serious or if I should even respond as it’s vague.
Of course I don’t want anything bad to happen, I’d never forgive myself but I also don’t want to enable? Any suggestions?

gloria1953
Posts: 814
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: What now?

Post by gloria1953 » Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:17 am

Dear Will

I am sorry that you are in this position. We don't give advice here as such and really every situation is different.

Has he been clean and then had a major relapse? Has he made real efforts at sobriety or just played along the edges?

We have all been in the situation where we have enabled - it is difficult not to. But all it does in prolong their agony and yours. If your enabling has not improved anything which I am sure it has not, then you cannot continue to do so.

We all have our limits and if him being in your home is causing you distress you have every right to look after yourself. Addicts are very manipulative so it is difficult to discern whether they are telling the truth or not. One can express love and concern without enabling. One can tell them that they love them and believe in their ability to change without giving them money or enable them.

I hope that this is helpful.

G

Will7
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:32 pm

Re: What now?

Post by Will7 » Wed Oct 16, 2019 5:20 pm

I really don’t know if he’s been properly sober or if he’s just managed to control it better until now. I’m really struggling with not keeping tabs on him as I’m petrified that something bad will happen. I know I can’t be responsible for his actions but it doesn’t stop me feeling extreme guilt.

I feel like everyone is sick of his addiction and he has no one which then makes me feel very sorry for him. I want to be supportive but the way he has been treating me and his family is totally unacceptable. It’s just so hard watching someone you love do this to themselves, I’ve been reading some other posts and it breaks my heart to read some of them.

LM66
Posts: 1011
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: What now?

Post by LM66 » Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:25 pm

Dear Will

It is so very difficult to step back, when your loved one appears to be on self destruct. But in reality, there's not an awful lot you can do to make them stop. Addiction is horrendous. Life becomes one big crazy, chaotic mess.
You cannot allow your partner to drag you down with him. That's what would happen if you had continued to tolerate the unacceptable behaviours.
If you are at all concerned about his threats - have the police do a well-being check. It's a terrible feeling when they threaten suicide. My son done it frequently. It was always manipulation, but, there are no guarantees.
Please take good care of you.

Much Love
L x

Will7
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:32 pm

Re: What now?

Post by Will7 » Wed Oct 16, 2019 10:21 pm

Thanks so much Gloria and LM for the replies. I’m sorry to hear you went through this with your son, it must be even worse when it’s your baby. I feel a bit better this evening, you’re right with addiction it does make life chaotic and I just don’t want to live like that anymore (which also makes me feel guilty) but I suppose it’ll just take time to get used to the new situation.

Thanks again xx

Lost&Broken
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:34 pm

Re: What now?

Post by Lost&Broken » Thu Oct 17, 2019 2:41 am

Hi Will

Earlier this year when my husband's addiction totally spiralled out of control and I couldn't take another hour of it , i left him .. he did the same threaten suicide. The threats increased over th weeks and in the end he also threatened suicide to one of his mates who messaged me concerned .. I'd already left him and was on road to divorce, now he is saying it to friends!! So rather than me going rushing to he marital home and enabling him in this self pity he'd gotten into I sent my brother round to check on him and guess what... He was absolutely fine , in bed asleep.

I'm back with him now .... We've been to hell and back and it's still not over , will probably never be over, but we have had a couple of positive break throughs. During these more sober and calmer times I've made it clear if he threatens suicide it will be police checking on him next time ... The suicide threats and attempts (only his claim on actual attempts ... No evidence as such, no hospital etc) all seem to happen as his last weapon for getting his way ... It's a behaviour they learn to rely on unfortunately when all else fails

Good to hear you were feeling bit better now ..never feel guilty for their bad behaviour it's not your fault

thelostone
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: What now?

Post by thelostone » Thu Oct 17, 2019 10:02 am

Hi Will and everyone,

I'm in a very similar place to you guys, a partner addicted to crack. He seems to want to stop (he will try to get clean for a week or two) then lapse. We've split up a few times and been through EXACTLY the same pattern most of you have.. the chaotic lifestyle, the promises, the abuse, the mood swings.. I even tried to accept his using (I now think this was a the worse thing I could have done).
This Monday I discovered he had let someone access his phone (they were logged into social media on his phone). I knew straight away it was a drugs person. I told him about nuisance calls I've been getting (from no caller ID). Again, I know this is related to his drugs because I have confronted one of the drug dealers (something else I know is a mistake on my part). Well, I told my boyfriend about the nuisance calls and that seeing this person logged in on his phone, it was proof he let others access his phone. I was absoutely furious. He did not like being confronted with this. His response. 'Change your f***ing number then!' He stormed out, and I have now told him to remove every trace of me from his phone, and not to contact me again. I told him that to minimise nuisance calls, and threaten MY safety is the end of the line for me.

Like many of you have probably experienced, I got a self-pitying text, saying he was going to have a terrible time and he hoped he would die.

I wonder, what position are the rest of you in right now? Because you are not alone in this. But I've learned, you cannot help or save an addict. You endanger yourself, your health. Your well being. THEY endanger you - because all they care about is their crappy drugs.

I imagine he will orchestrate a way to try and make contact with me... users always find a way to come back to the comfort and love of the people they've taken for granted and treated like crap. But for now, enough is enough for me. The thought of him sat in some disgusting drug den high off his head, while people look through his phone, maybe my photos, our texts.. no, enough is enough.

thelostone
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: What now?

Post by thelostone » Thu Oct 17, 2019 10:39 am

Will7, you cannot keep tabs on him, you will worry yourself into an early grave. Please take it from me. I spent hours tracking down my boyfriend, finding his vehicle outside shitty drug places, going to his flat, confronting drug people... this will NOT stop anything. Making him feel guilty doesn't work, giving him space doesn't work.. finishing with him doesn't work, staying with him doesn't work. You have to PROTECT YOURSELF. Users are weak, so you have to be strong, for yoursle firstly, and then because if your boyfriend realises what it's lost, it might be the shock he needs to finally straighten himself out. But I've had it all - the emotional texts begging for him, making me feel I am the only one who can help him - the abuse, the moods, the promises - seeing him in a totally paranoid and pathetic state.. it's a never ending carousel and you HAVE to get off and walk away from the circus - until he does the same. And remember. he MIGHT NOT. EVER. So don't waste more years of your life.. focus on YOU, you well being, your health, your mental well being.. because you will find yourself spiralling down and may even suffer depression. So be strong for yourself.

I am here if you want to chat or PM me. x

thelostone
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: What now?

Post by thelostone » Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:21 am

MY PRIVATE MESSAGES SEEM TO BE SITTING IN THE OUTBOX SO I'LL POST PUBLICLY

Will7,

I found out 8 months ago my boyfriend was using crack. I read your post and what I take from it (and others) is that there are so many people like us, in this shitty position.

What I can say is this... I have learnt so much in the short space of time I've tried to deal with this. Like you, I enabled him (feeding him, providing love, comfort, food, shelter)... and reading your post, I can say my fella does the same thing (sending self-pitying texts, blaming everyone but himself), I've put up with abuse, lies, moods, aggression... I don't hear from him for days, then he sorts himself out for a week and we spend quality time together, then he will turn up as Mr Hyde and I'm back in despair.

You're not alone.. and if you want advice, or to talk, I'm here.

Lorraine x

Will7
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:32 pm

Re: What now?

Post by Will7 » Fri Oct 18, 2019 8:01 pm

Hi Lorraine (my PMs doing the same thing)

Thanks so much for your reply, I feel like we’re in the same position from reading your post. I know they say every addiction is different, but from reading some of the posts they all feel so familiar. I feel like this forum is so helpful, I don’t like talking about it to my friends because I don’t feel they really understand.

How are you getting on with your partner? I think the worst part of all of it for me is that when he’s clean he’s the nicest, most hard working person and it’s that person I struggle to walk away from. When I first asked him to leave I was sure this was it and now today I find myself thinking of ways to go back.

I know I don’t want to keep going round in circles but I feel so so sorry for him, more sorry for him than myself? How do you manage to stay strong? Do you still have contact with him? My partner has told me he can only get clean if he knows I’ll be waiting for him but I know this is manipulative and that if he truly wants to get clean he’ll do it regardless of if I’m about or not but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Hope your doing well

AW x

thelostone
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: What now?

Post by thelostone » Fri Oct 18, 2019 9:56 pm

Hi.

Replied via pm .. let me know if you don’t get it x

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