So distressed 😟

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Helsi
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2020 3:07 pm

So distressed 😟

Post by Helsi »

Hi everyone,
I write to you with a heavy heart hoping that someone there can help me.

I found out that my husband was using cocaine last August. This was after 6 months of supporting him with depression, not going to work etc. It was not only cocaine but also alcohol.
It was a shock. Two kids, a job to hold down, bills to pay, , yep you’ve all been there right.

I continued to support him, emotionally there for him. He stated to attend NA and also started taking alternative meds to stop the cravings. Something he’d read about online. He managed to reach 90 days clean. Mid October he started to get down again and had drink binges every 8 to 10 days. I believed as he told me he remained clean from coke.

Last week, he had a binge night, again thought it was drink only but had my suspicions. He had also started a new job part time and I thought that it must be the stress. Having said he’d be home at 7 pm, he came home at 12. We waited (me and his parents) for him to call. He just kept messaging to say he was on his way and making excuses. This has happened so so many times. He comes home and says he’s had the best time of his life. I knew then that he must have used and in a high.

There were no apologies the next day. I had hardly slept and had to go to work. His mum had a right go at him. On Friday morning i had a chat to say I can’t carry on like this. He blamed it on being fed up of being nagged.

Sunday I found a snorting pipe in his wallet. I asked him if he’d been using, he said no. I said I found a pipe. He lost it and went on about how dare I go into his wallet.
Sunday was awful, I had to tell
Him I couldn’t carry on like this and needed us to separate off so that I could look after the kids properly. They’ve been so neglected; I’ve just been torn between keeping the peace in the house, and managing my husband, being the wife the mum the breadwinner.

Today he’s been messaging me trying to make me feel bad. Saying he’s booked flights to go. He’s now punishing me for being the grown up in all this.
We had a heated argument as I got home from work. Words were said and he punched me in the shoulder and groin. He said I was to blame for all this and how he’s fed up of the way I’ve been treating him. He won’t come out of the room, laying in bed watching tv. No remorse. No nothing.

Lost. Numb and so sad I just can’t understand.

Help please x

gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by gloria1953 »

Dear Helsi

I am so sorry for what he has done to you. While it is normal to relapse and indeed part of the process - nobody ever got clean the first time out - he HIT you. Take it from one who knows - once THAT door opens it never closes.

Coke is one nasty drug - my son went on a coke fueled rage that had tearing photos of himself and art he had made off the walls, squared up to his father, threatened to break my possessions and said vile things to us both.

You have children to consider - they should not be living with an addict in the first place but one who manhandles their mother? Sorry but when you have kids all bets are off. He is out of control. And he works part time? He should man the hell up.

Sorry for being so vehement but you are the third woman on this forum in as many days who has been hit or emotionally abused by their partner/husband. It enrages me.

He needs to be on his own to sort his life out. You cannot do it for him. Your children and you deserve better than this toxic life. Who is to say that he won't one day get it together but right now he is not. He is using you as a physical and emotional punching bag. This is not what you want your kids to think is normal.

He is blaming you because he can't face what a low down rat he has become. You are obviously a strong woman - now is the time to be strong for yourself. You do not have to accept the unacceptable anymore. One day he may get clean and you may want to think about whether you think you guys can make a go of it. But right now you and your kids are in danger. You are worth so much more than this.

G

Helsi
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2020 3:07 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Helsi »

Thank you G.
I will tonight keep reading your message.
My arm shoulder is in agony. I’m just waiting for my kids to sleep and then I’ll figure out what to do next. My partner has decided to just go to sleep. The pain continues and I know this won’t be an easy ride. One step at a time. I need a plan. Thank you 🙏

Deedee3
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Deedee3 »

Good morning x

Wow G all-though what you’re saying is true, that of course all the wives and girlfriends would be better off and their partners are not blood. How it is not fair on the kids etc, you make it sound so easy to either get rid or leave when that is not the case. Although physical violence is not something that went on in my house the mental abuse and manipulative nature of addicts is not just isolated to partners. In the past I’ve watched my addict do this to he’s own mother and she caved too.
We are all similar in these behaviours and all just want to do what’s best, even if it’s not the case we are all on our own journeys and some of us take longer to realise it’s not right and leave or stay. No two situations are the same regardless of having the same factors. It’s very important that we all feel comfortable enough to share with support and advice without criticism for the paths we are currently on.

Helsi, you can not change him, don’t be fooled into thinking that he is depressed and there for using drink and drugs I’ve done this and believe me the depression is so bad because of the using( although he may be suffering with depression, he will not recover while using and a come down can be very similar) . He will not man up and go to work this will be a long repetitive cycle if you choose to stay and he does not seek help.

I don’t want to sound at all encouraging for you to stay, when he is physically violent you must call the police. He needs to be removed from your house and you need guidance, they will give you advice and support. There are so many charities, groups and organisations out there to support women at risk and although it’s a scary prospect there are women’s refuges you can take your children to so you are safe.
Regardless of what you decide I’m always happy to speak with you and can send you some numbers and information you might find useful xxx

gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by gloria1953 »

Sorry Dee Dee but if you think this does not affect the children think again and read my post about physical violence.

In my experience when you have children all bets are off. Their welfare is of paramount importance - not the feelings of the mother. I was misguided enough to think that putting up with violence was the right decision - it was not. I was afraid of losing my home. It would have been preferable to live in a tent rather than subject my son and myself to physical violence and alcoholism. I did not make my choice out of love for my husband. I made it for what I thought were the right reasons - turned out I was wrong. That's not criticism - it's a fact.

Another thing to worry about is that if social services find out there is an addict in the house they will act. The neighbours called the police on several occasions and social services were called. That's not criticism - it's a fact.

Deedee3
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Deedee3 »

Not at any point, in any way shape or form am I condoning or saying it’s ok for the kids to be around it. Nor do I think that this doesn’t affect the children involved.
I’m saying you clearly found it very easy to cut contact and just leave, you were lucky it felt easy.
It is not as straightforward for everyone.

Just as it’s not the mothers fault, we are all trying our best and looking for support to help us make the right decisions. It’s not about just leaving, it’s about building the strength and courage to do what is right by everyone involved and having guidance to do so!.

If social services do get involved, I don’t see this as a negative. They can be very useful if people are struggling and can help mothers find the right support, providing courses to make you more knowledgeable about your own situation.
I’m sure my own children were aware that a lot was not normal at the time when he was using but I spoke to social services off my own back to get help enforcing a injunction that was needed at the time. That’s as much as they did and agreed that although him coming back and forth was not ideal I did the best by kicking him out and initiating calls between him and the children for their sake, so their dad hadn’t just deserted them.

In this particular instance yes it’s not safe as there is physical violence but I understand that there are a million factors involved that make you feel like it’s hard to leave. Sometimes I think your blunt comments may prevent other women or men from reaching out and sharing because you make it all seem “just so”. Not everyone has somewhere to go and don’t know who to ask for help.

Deedee3
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Deedee3 »

Oh and please don’t think I disagree with you, I actually don’t. I just think your approach and your wording makes it all seem so straight forward and when you are down and feeling so desperate nothing feels that easy.

I did read your post and I’m great full to you for sharing, I’m sure all of our childhoods among other things play a lot of factors as to why we are all where we are today.

Wish you all the best x

Helsi
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2020 3:07 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Helsi »

Thank you DeeDee and G.
I see and understand both your perspectives and advise. Thank you . It’s a very sad fact that drugs can change the way the user sees and treats their loved ones, their love and attachment suddenly becomes conditional based on how much we allow them to be addicts. The moment we defend, we stop giving, we stand up for our own sanity, love turns to anger. For us, the non addicts, the unconditional love remains in tact regardless of the constant hurt.
goodnight all x

thelostone
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by thelostone »

Hi helsi,

I've come online after a break.. and I feel I see myself in your post... as I was some months back. Been there, got the t-shirt as they say :-(
Drugs will just strip your loved one of their humanity.. so you may as well get out now. Particuarly if you are being blamed. Because trust me, from my experience, it won't get better. You won't be enough.. you won't win over drugs. There may not be a happy ending. I used to think 'why don't you love me enough to stop?' We ALL think that. Have a look at this quote I stumbled on that was like the minute the penny dropped:

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on.”

That's where I am now. A year after wasting my time, energy, and love on a man hooked on crack and heroin. Trying to support him to stop. I got abuse, disappointment and lies. It took my health and my spiritual and mental well being. Now I realise... I'm worth more. I am currently at the moving on stage.. angry, trying to come to terms... but stronger. I pray for you that you will get the strength to move on quickly.. and if your partner gets clean and comes back to you, make sure he IS clean. Because someone in recovery should not be in a relationship, and has to be clean for at least a year in my opinion.

Be strong and believe in yourself. You're worth more x

Paulette
Posts: 72
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Paulette »

Hi Helsi
So sorry at what you're going through.
As others have said, he's not going to change and the violence is not ok. It was brave and strong of you to tell us about it here, so you do have the courage and the strength to improve your own life and that of your children. However much you love him (or the person he was and could be) you have absolutely no power to change him or his behaviour. The only people we can change are ourselves.
We are all here for you on this board, praying that you find the strength to protect yourself and your children. I know how hard it is to leave (been there, got the t shirt too). Part of my problem in leaving was that I did not want to admit to anyone what was going on, so I had no support from family or friends. I was too ashamed. Stupid I know, but that is how I felt. Even when I did leave, I told almost no-one. But you have been able to tell us, so you're on the road to doing what you need to do.
Sending love and luck
Pxx

Poetry
Posts: 232
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Poetry »

Helsi, welcome to the forum. I have read all that you have (all) written above, and am heartened to hear of success stories in getting free of abusive partners. I totally accept that it is hard getting beyond all the damage which has been done to self worth through being with these men, but I do, fervently, hope that you can, those of you struggling, gather the strength together, a day at a time.

It is my son who is the addict. He does not live with us, thank God, but the damage is grievous. I am too weary to recount recent events, but as ever, hopes were raised recently for his father (son completely ignores my existence) then hopes were shattered again. I have had ME for twenty nine years and today has been the absolute pits. Not only am I physically ill, but I have this crashing depression which is "physical" too, and very disabling. I know it will not last, but it's yet another blighted day. And where is my oldest son?

I have given up on unconditional love. He is killing my love for him. He has become a monster. All he has given me is abuse, pain, betrayal, the having to hold my other sons and his father while they weep, and images which will be with me till I die-of his dad dragging a suitcase to the charity shop, full of his clothes which we had been keeping for him, thinking he would get back to normal, of him throwing a birthday present which I had made for him in 2018 into the gutter after his dad gave it to him, and calling his dad evil names. Those are a couple of the incidents which are printable, shall we say.

I do love the child that he was-absolutely beautiful, but I cannot love this person. I just want to survive. I'm glad I wrote this. P

Helsi
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2020 3:07 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Helsi »

Thank you for all your messages.
Being on this forum, you’ve all given me so much strength and your own truths help so much.
My husband is being the child : suddenly he’s not well this week, headache, feel sick. Hes called his sponsor. He’s craving my attention, love, forgiveness, support. He’s not getting it. He’s getting a calm unattached unemotional me. I like being me right now. I don’t feel sick when he calls me at work telling me that he’s not feeling well and needs to be left alone. I say that’s fine. He’s prob surprised as as usually I’d pander to him in case he did something silly.
He wants to talk to me tomorrow. He’s already done the ‘I wish I had cancer, I didn’t choose these illnesses’ No doubt they’ll be more excuses given, more attempts to lure me back in. He’s crossed over the line and so have I. This is the next phase. I kept reading that we have to give up our own addiction to the addict and this is it, it’s not going to be easy, as we know with living with one xx

Lost&Broken
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:34 pm

Re: So distressed 😟

Post by Lost&Broken »

Gosh they all seem to morph into the same selfish pitying husband ...

Mine has never become violent but the mental abuse is torture.

I've called the domestic violence hotline (if your in UK) a couple times when in crisis and theyve been very helpful just helps sometimes to hear a voice , someone who understands ...

The helpline is part owned by women's aid so the number is on their website .. also please call them for safety advice and leaving ....sounds like you're ready soon

The unemotional trick you have learned is actually a good tactic if ready to leave ...it's called grey rock technique and if you read up on it some more (if haven't already) it will really help you understand why it's important, but trick is to keep it up

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