I don't know what to do

Have your say
Post Reply
LMRB2312
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2020 8:44 am

I don't know what to do

Post by LMRB2312 »

My son is 18, he is smoking weed every night. This all started about a year ago when he was at college. Apparently they're all doing it according to him. We had a big argument with him back then and said he had to stop. We met him halfway and provided him with a vape but unbeknown to us he was putting illegal substances in the vape and it really messed with his head and was worse than the weed. This was provided by his driving instrcutor of all people would you believe! Fortunately he realised this and asked for our help to get him off of the vape. We managed to stop him, he went to the doctors and saw a counsellor. But now 8 months on and during lockdown he finally admitted to me that he's back smoking weed and that the only time he stopped was when he came on holiday with us for one week last July. He has definitely done worse before now and say's he's not stupid and not interested in taking anything else. He says it's just one at night but I just can't accept it and pretend it's not happening which is basically what he wants me to do. He thinks he has some sort of ADHD or something which I said he could speak to the doctor about instead of going this route. My partner (his stepdad's) biggest issue is that my son drives to work the following day and we have no clue whether it would still be in his system and he shouldn't be driving. Does anybody know if this is the case or not? We know we can't stop him doing it but it is breaking our relationship apart and I have a 14 year old daughter who is upset because she doesn't want him to be made to move out but how can I just accept this and ignore it? For the past few days we have just been going over and over the same things but he can't see sense and won't give up, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't really have a good relationship with his Dad but last night he spent the night there as he said he doesn't feel welcome here. It is breaking my heart but I just can't see any solution at the moment and don't know what to do. If we weren't on lockdown then I guess this wouldn't have come to a head at all. He doesn't smoke it here but he goes out for a walk last thing at night. I know some of his friends do it and their parents let them. Am I being unreasonable?
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: I don't know what to do

Post by Poetry »

No. You are being entirely reasonable. Believe me. My son is forty. I am sorry to have to tell you that he is addicted to crack and heroin and it started when he was eighteen, at university, with weed. He quickly progressed at uni (we now know) to other substances. We did not know at the time, but it all makes sense now. Luckily, you do know. I do hesitate to be as candid as I am going to be in my answer, but I would like to save anyone else from going through what I have gone through.

We have spent three years trying to rescue him-to no avail. He is particularly arrogant and a know it all, so maybe other parents will find that their offspring are more willing to take advice. He does not, and never will, live with us.

You need to take action now, hard though it is in present circs, and it is hard enough dealing with them in normal circs, Isnt it.

Your son is living under your roof. WARN him about the dire consequences and do not tolerate what you are worried about. You cant stop him "taking exercise" but you can be strict inside your house.

My son is estranged. His choice. Not mine. We have been blamed for everything, and we have been great parents. We have two other sons who say so! This addiction thing takes their lives, and then it has a go at destroying the lives of others, Don't let it. Poetry.
dramaqueen
Posts: 385
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: I don't know what to do

Post by dramaqueen »

Your story sounds similar to mine. I found both my sons (then 17 and 14) smoking weed separately, on their own, in their bedrooms last summer. I hit the roof and kicked them out to their dad's for a week. All seemed well after that until, in November, my 17 year old started smoking it again in his room, every night, sleeping in and missing school the next day, in his final year of sixth form. This time I didn't hit the roof; I discovered this forum; spoke to Talk to Frank and Young Minds and invited his dad over to our house to talk to him together. I also threw out all his drug paraphernalia, including a vape which he claimed he could have sold for £100 online. I stopped his pocket money, which I now put aside in an account for him to use to go travelling or to buy his first car.

I have never been a particularly strict parent but I have said that I have zero tolerance of drugs in my house; that I will do spot checks of their rooms and throw out any drugs that I find. I realise that this won't stop them altogether and over Easter, mid lockdown, I walked in on the pair of them sharing a joint! I insisted that they take it outside, but finding them together was so much better than when my 17 year old was doing it all on his own, so I didn't go crazy although I did again said "not in my house".

My 17 year old is now 18 and he told me in February that he was feeling much better since giving up his daily cannabis habit. I hope he means that and that he isn't regularly secretly smoking. He is on anti depressants and has no motivation or plans for the future. A friend of mine (in his mid 50s) told me that he had a cannabis habit in his late teens/ early 20s and it made him completely lethargic. It was only when he gave up that he developed the drive and ambition to make a career for himself. I have asked him whether he could speak to the boys after lockdown.

To be honest I don't know whether I have this problem under control. Occasionally I have wobbled over whether it is right to force them outside (perhaps they could be arrested?), but I have thought it through and I feel happy that this is the right approach for me. I know how bad any drugs (including alcohol) are for health and mental health. I cannot condone this under my roof. In that regard at least I am determined to stay firm.

Drama Queen
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: I don't know what to do

Post by LM66 »

hi DQ

Your house, therefore , your rules.
I woud not have it in tge house either. Some people believe that cannabis and weed are harmless. Both interact with the chemicals in the brain - so it most definitely isn't harmless.
It is like putting a wet blanket over thoughts and feelings, and over time, steals motivation to do anything.
My son started with weed, and steadiy progressed to smoking heroin. His life has been a downward, chaotic spiral for the last 6 years.
I hope your boys see sense. Despite your efforts, they will make their choices. Lets hope its good ones.
Take Care
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: I don't know what to do

Post by lesleerose »

Am with poetry on this one my daughter is 38 and started on cannabis you say weed is it grass because if it is it is an opiate yes just like heroin .... My daughter wouldn’t speak to me at 17 because I wouldn’t let her do weed so after many attempts to stop her I couldn’t and had to put her out .... Unfortunately she progressed to heroin and is now a skeleton of her former self as a mother I tried everything family Anonymous is the only organisation that comes close to help me deal with this ...
Don’t allow this evil illness to destroy the rest of your family as it has mine ... Has your son been to N.A or C.A as there he will find out what he suffers from addiction is an illness ....
Unfortunately your son will be lying to you about the amount and also what he is taking .... Not in your home he is 18 years old and a man now so either it stops now or he leaves nip it in the bud
I wish you well
dramaqueen
Posts: 385
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: I don't know what to do

Post by dramaqueen »

Thank you both for your kindness and suggestions, when you have both suffered so much.

Neither of my sons have been for drug counselling. I don't think I can force them into it. I know I need to speak to my 18 year old again as I am pretty sure things are going on behind my back again. However, I don't feel up to it right now, mid lockdown.

I hope I am not at the start of a journey - i.e. hoping that they don't each go further down this road. All I know is that I can't ignore things and need to keep the dialogue going. It's just sometimes it is too much to deal with, especially right now.

LM - I hope your son finds somewhere to live, to relieve your anxiety.
Leslee - you have been through so much.
Both of you have - I am full of admiration for your strength and resilience and I am very grateful to have found this community.

Sending you hugs.

DQ
Post Reply