Wife of a Drug addict

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Kirst101
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:41 pm

Wife of a Drug addict

Post by Kirst101 »

I thought that I could stop and change my husband I know that’s not the case anymore I know he has to do it for himself the hardest part of it is understanding where I stand. My husband has several addiction heroin, crack and benzo’s. He has been to detox and lasted 4 months then relapsed. He doesn’t use everyday and thinks I should be grateful he isn’t using everyday it’s only cos he hasn’t got the means to do it. We have 3 children together and I do safeguard them and have measures in place to protect them but they are getting older and started to see things are not normal. He has been an addict for a long time I didn’t know for years until I had found a needle at 19 years old. I feel in love with him and believed every word he told me I am now 32 and don’t believe a word out his mouth. I want to end things cos I think I am enabling him by staying with him but it’s so hard he threatens to kill himself and refuses to leave joint tenancy so can’t just kick him out and it’s not just that easy as I know he will enter hell and I don’t think he would come back he has over dosed several times and ended up in hospitals (what’s it gonna take for him to change) . He says he wants help but doesn’t do anything to get the help he is on a script but that doesn’t stop him using just stops him withdrawing when he can’t get any. He has everything why are we not enough. Why can’t I change his addictive ways why can’t the kids make him strong enough to stop. The joke also is that he doesn’t use for a couple weeks and then says I should trust him that’s the normal he may not be using the drugs but he is still getting wasted on diazepam. He just either uses all or the pills but he only “normal” When he hasn’t got the means to get it. He doesn’t need to use cos he is on a script but that doesn’t even stop him. He says he doesn’t want to do detox and rehab cos be away from the children but the last detox didn’t work. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I am living in hell.

LM66
Posts: 1045
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by LM66 »

Hi K
By what you have posted, it would seem your husband has no interest at all, in receiving help for his addiction. He is abusing the prescribed drugs, and taking diazepam, to get ouf his face. My own son abused diazepam - it's horrendous.
You know you can't help him. Only he can do this. He will hit you with every excuse there is, to continue his using. Regarding the suicide threats, there's nothing you can do about that either. He will or he won't. I experienced this too and yes, it's scarey. But is that enough cause to keep you and your kids in that environment with him?
You have to protect yourself and your kids Kirst and your husband has fo find his own way, whichever direction that is. Life with an addict, is no life. Find out your options. What do you want for you and your kids?
Stay strong and focussed.
Much Love
L x

dramaqueen
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by dramaqueen »

Hi K,

My story is different to yours as I have two teenage sons using drugs (one cannabis, the other a range of drugs up to Class A). So far as we are aware, it only started last summer and I am working with my ex to try to implement some firm boundaries and make it more difficult for them to use in the hope that this will minimise their use and hopefully prevent dependency.

However, a couple of things struck me in your account - your husband saying that you should trust him, whenever he stops using. I have tried trusting my boys; thought I had an open dialogue with them. My youngest son swore he only did cannabis and wouldn't touch anything else. We have found out that is totally untrue. I can't trust them to tell me the truth when it comes to drugs nor can I trust them to respect my boundaries. I have said "no drugs in the house" but we keep finding them (and throwing them out). I have also found that the lying often comes with outbursts of anger in which I have been accused of "being mad" or "taking the piss". For example, when I said I suspected the youngest was dealing (after finding several ziplock bags in his room) he said I was going crazy. Turns out he has been dealing, at least at a low level (supplying to his friends).

In their determination to use drugs, they will lie to you, disregard your boundaries and also manipulate you, saying you are imagining things/going mad. The manipulation in your husband's case is a threat of suicide. In my sons's cases I have been told "no wonder we do drugs" because I have asked them to now spend alternate weeks with their dad, when in fact the drug using happened many months earlier.

I don't know how helpful this is, but I do strongly suggest you read lots of accounts on this forum. Also I suggest you call the FA helpline and dial into one of the meetings - they are all accessible online now and are hugely supportive.

Sending you strength - you are living in intolerable stress. Three kids is a lot (I have three too) and you are holding it all together while your husband is escaping reality through substance abuse. You need support and FA can provide that.

Good luck and keep posting!

DQ

Kirst101
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:41 pm

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by Kirst101 »

Thanks L and DQ, I am sorry to hear ur both affected also by addictions, it’s horrible how it impacts both the addicts and the families. I never realised how much it has impacted me and I will look into the meeting cos I have been dealing with it all alone for so many years. It’s scary talking about it cos I do feel ashamed. I wish it was so easy to just kick him out but it is not easy plus joint tenancy makes it so difficult. The lies from him never end. It’s the brain washing also that messes with you and I have learnt to stay strong and not believe him but like all sometimes that hope gets into ur head. It’s scary. I think doctors prescribe diazepam to easy and it’s so wrong. They also knew he had an heroin and crack Addiction, which means they are not allow to prescribe it to him but they did. I have gone into his addactions worker and doctors and told them but no one listens to me they listen to him. It was so stressful today it’s like I know now when he is going to get up to something bad he has this look and it’s like a look of guilt and I seen him getting money from my oldest niece and transferring it from his well my bitcoin account to his PayPal I found out and transferred it in to my account so he couldnt access it he started to tell me he needs to do it this last time H and C and pills that is. He isn’t having withdrawals as he is on a script he just wanted it and I said no I will not allow him to do that and if he does then he will lose us all, which I first got I promise it’s the last time to the threats that you are vindictive then I will be vindictive so watch ur back I know it’s only word but I cant take it all.. Am I in the wrong for protecting him cos the next day he regrets it and starts self harming. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but if I allowed it or gave it to him wouldn’t I be enabling him. Am I meant to prevent him from doing drugs. I don’t no what the right thing to do is anymore. You are both so strong and I am really grateful for the comments it really does Help me a lot it’s nice to not feel alone. This world of addictions scare me and scares me for him and for my children. I have looked into my options and no I need a court order to get him out but have to wait for the covid to stop effecting it all. I know if he hasn’t sorted by the time I can get the order I am going to have to leave him but it isn’t easy it’s horrible cos I do see the great man he can be how loving he can be then the other side of him, which is uncaring a lier a fake and that man makes me feel worthless I have seen that man That I fell in love with less and less and I am scared he is gonna disappear completely.
I am glad these forum exists cos I did feel alone and scared to turn to anyone cos I feel ashamed. I hate the fact also that addactions don’t work with families my husband blags them he hasn’t used as he takes no drugs 5 days before seeing her that doesn’t mean he is clean he just knows how to hide it and then they re prescribe him diazepam cos he is great at lying. I get they are amazing for what they do but it would be nice to actually no if he is actively seeking help which he has stated for years which ovi hasn’t been. I don’t no what to do to help him I really don’t I have done everything so far I referred him to addactions, well finding the numbers etc rang them then past him the phone I found meetings I found support groups for him, I done his application for college to help keep his mind on something else. I have supported him mentally and emotionally. He used to beat me and he Did get help and hasn’t hit me for 11 years so I know he can change but it was me contacting police and taking him to court that changed him. I am still dealing with his issues mentally and emotionally and I have put up with it for so long but no more he needs help I don’t no what more I can do it’s been 14 years and still fighting his addictions. So stressful. Sorry for the rant but so stressed today with his actions we had a good day then he tried to destroy it all. Thanks again to you both For ur comments really help me today I needed it and I really appreciate it.

Poetry
Posts: 299
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by Poetry »

Kirst, Dramaqueen and LM gave you brilliant advice. I can't do any better, just reassure you that addicts are ALL the same. They lie as easily as they draw breath. They turn it back on you and they make you question yourself. It is my son who is the addict. We have tried everything and now given up. He lives some distance away. It would have killed us to have continued. We are not far off seventy anyway so just not up for this abuse and want to make the best of our time.

When he has threatened suicide I nowadays put the kettle on and think what will be will be. Far as I know he's still alive.

I have no practical suggestions for how you get yourself and the children free, but over time, with support and advice, I am convinced it can be done. Once you have decided to look to the kids' future, you will begin to put plans in place. Slowly. You must protect them. If you don't then they might come to harm, and will blame you they are adults.

HOWEVER, what about you? You are clearly going under. Don't let him do this to you. You have done amazingly well so far and given this man every chance. Get free. Love and support. Poetry.

dramaqueen
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by dramaqueen »

Kirst,

I just read your reply and one thing struck me - how alone you have been feeling. I felt exactly the same way. This discussion forum first helped me feel less alone - I remember the relief I felt when I received my first reply. Since then the problems with my sons have got worse but I have started attending online FA meetings. I have just come off one of those meetings and I told them how different I feel just weeks after taking part in my first meeting. I have found the strength to lay down some boundaries with my sons and the courage and conviction to ask for help. The FA group is so good humoured, welcoming and supportive that they have given me a great sense of belonging and I actually enjoy the meetings. I really strongly encourage you to call the FA helpline first; they will listen and offer you empathy and support. They will also give you details of a group local to you. It is so powerful to hear the stories of other families going through the same thing and it is very important that you stop struggling alone and get some help from whatever source you can. You are tolerating so much; you have been so strong but we all have our breaking point. Try to get help before you break.

Sending you strength and hoping you find some support.

DQ

summer05
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat May 11, 2019 9:48 am

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by summer05 »

Hi
Im a wife of an addict. I left him in March when i found more drugs in his pocket and he told me i was seeing things or i planted it. We have 2 boys of 6, and they came with me. We own our house together and he wont leave because he has no where to go. He has since started sorting himself out but for how long i don't know. Hes been trying to get clean for 3 years and relapsed every 3-4 months and i could never tell when he was on it or not. They lie its their default. He blames me for him being on drugs, which isn't true all i did was try to help him get off them. Everything u said in your first post is exactly how i feel. How were we not enough for him? Its devastating. We been together for 18years and i adored him. So leaving has been really hard. You can get a court order him out and if u have nowhere to go with your children then u have to do it for your own sanity. Its called a occupational order. I've been at my mums for 4months and not done it yet as he promises he will move once got a job. So will see!
It is so hard im not going to lie, but this isn't on you at all and you are enabling him because you love him. Its an automatic response.
Pls feel free to pm me if u need a chat. X

Kirst101
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:41 pm

Re: Wife of a Drug addict

Post by Kirst101 »

Hi thanks for ur comments It means a lot to know I am not alone, which I have felt for years scared to discuss it scared to tell others about my life. I know I can’t handle it anymore and started to complete the occupation order. Today he did contact his worker about rehab but then he went out and scored he called saying he lost the money he stated that it was a sign from god but I know that’s a lie and have told him If he returns tonight I will contact the police. I will not have him here under the influence of drugs. I am not gonna call him and I am not gonna allow him to affect me with his addictions I am not gonna stress or worry I am not gonna allow him to affect me not tonight. (Fingers crossed I can stay strong) just attending the one meeting and reading comments has help a lot already I know I have a long way to go and I know that my strength will go up and down but today I am not Letting his addictions destroy me.

The hardest part is the sick feeling it doesn’t seem to go and the shame I feel and the embarrassment of it all sticks to me like glue. I can’t get over the resentment of what he has done to me and my children but I know that I need support to feel stronger and I also now no I am not to blame and he isn’t letting me feel like I am letting him down becos I am not. I know it’s not me I know it’s him. It does hurt cos I know I can’t cure him (I wish I could) but I want to live I want to have a life not an existence.

Addictions have destroyed my life and I don’t even take drugs which is crazy and I miss the man that I fell In love with but I know he isn’t that man anymore. He is a lier an addict and right now he isn’t a father. It hurts it really does but I know I can’t do anything but start to live my life again and learn to live without him. It’s gonna be hard and I hope I can stay strong and actually take the steps to take my life back, which will allow me to be me again. I am not a drug worker I am not an addicts wife. I am me and I need to find me again.

My own experiences do really make me feel sick and Feel like I am a failure and I know deep down that I am not but it’s hard to keep that I’m my mind. (One day at a time).

Thanks all for ur comments and experiences it’s helped a lot today I do feel strong I have had a cry and have read literature and comments and it helped me it really did.

I can’t believe it all i can believe what my life has become.

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