Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

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cazza2790
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2020 5:49 pm

Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by cazza2790 »

I don't really know where to start with my situation.

I met my husband when i was 18 and he was 26. He had such a laid back attitude and I instantly fell in love. He had told me of his previous cocaine addicition when we were dating and how he had got himself in a financial mess and got the help he needed and was getting his life back on track.

During the past 11 1/2 years, we had our daughter and got married and were building a halpier life together. Over the years he had times where he used cocaine, it was mostly during christmas party season, I made it clear that I was not happy he had used. I would get the usual apologies and we would move forward, hopefully for the better.

Over the years this continued and I often would be angry, beg and plead over and ovdr for him not to do it. That I knew he was better than the drug and that I loved him. At times the cocaine wasnt used but alcohol would take its place. He would drink to the state where he would be verbally abusive or pass out.

When I would try to talk to him about his behaviour, I would get told "you know what im like" "im only human I make mistakes".

This had taken its toll on me and our marriage over the years. I became depressed and often had anxiety attacks and have become a shell of the person I used to be. I got help for my depression in 2018 and started to feel stronger mentally.

This meant I was able to follow through with boundries I had set myself for when he used or was drunk. Sadly he didnt like the change in my behaviour and I realise now because I no longer would enable him. Christmas 2019 we haf some time apart he went to stay with his parents for a week. We spoke about things and addressed his issues and he said he hated himself and wanted to get better. I said I would support him in this.

Feb 2020 arrives and he had been to 2 meetings and said he didnt feel the need to use anymore. Then on 14/02/2020 he left saying he needed time and space to get his head straight. I was heartbroken.

Since then I have tried to communicate with him about things where he often would ignore me or argue back at me saying it was my fault but never would consider how his actions and addictions had an affect on our relationship too.

I know that during the lockdown period in the UK he went out to pick up cocaine. But since the pubs have re opened he has spent time in them more often too.

He has also joined a number of dating apps and has been contacting a 23 yr old woman he works with (he will be 39 later this year). I know all of his behaviours are because of the addiction but I am struggling to accept that.

I saw my future with him and our daughter and I am at a loss of what to do.

He moved out in Feb when he said he wanted time to think things over and has avoided having a conversation with me about anything ever since. If I try to communicate with him I am either ignored or argued back with time and time again.

I finally made a decision in June to tell him I can't keep going through the emotional rollercoaster and need to distance myself from him for my own wellbeing. We have the odd contact because of our daughter but that is it.

He sees her every other weekend but at his parents house, so she is not left alone with him.

I guess for me now I am at a loss of what I do next, I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind because I feel like I have given up on my husband and I am still going through the emotional rollercoaster of it all and I dont know where else to turn for support for myself.

Sorry for the long post and rather jumbled story, I haven't spoken to anyone about this before

Poetry
Posts: 322
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by Poetry »

Cazza,
Your story is repeated so many times on here. YOU are not giving up on your husband; he is giving up on himself. What a lot of chances you have given him. I think you know that you are reaching the end of the road. It is just a case of keeping on walking that road, and getting free. If your husband truly reforms and abjures drugs, maybe one day you might have a future, but for now, you do not.

Protect yourself and your daughter. It sounds as if you are going in the right direction there, and yes, sad to say, she should not be alone with him. It does not mean you have to stop loving him. Any time he is serious you will be there to encourage, BUT we cannot get them better. My husband tried with our son. He could not believe that it did not work. I firmly believe that if addicts want cleanliness and sobriety with a sufficient passion, they will get it with or without family, much more likely all on their own.

Our son does not contact us and vice versa. He accuses us of trying to control him, so I have willingly relinquished my bonds, as I will not be accused and blamed for his poor choices. It's beyond sad but my life is peaceful. I have dignity and self respect which addicts try to rob us of.

Have you thought about Famanon meetings? The literature?

I suspect that for those joining this forum, if serious, there is only one way-upwards and out. When I joined two years and three months back, I could see no way out of my pain and terror. It's different now.

Read some back numbers on here. You will read your own story repeated and you will see that we cannot keep supporting beyond the point at which it IS support. Eventually, we all see that it is enabling. P X

LM66
Posts: 1050
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by LM66 »

Hi Cazza
As Poetry said, you have not given up on your husband, you are human, and have had enough of the chaotic wrld of addiction. Why should we sacrifice ourselves, our health, happiness, finances, and that of any children, because 1 person continues to use.
He will continue down his path, until he decides to stop - if that happens. It may never happen. You can't hang around being tortured hoping he changes. It's no life for you and your daughter.
Put him on the back foot, and think of the ife you want for you and your girl. You've spent enough of yourself putting him first - now it's your turn!

Sending strength
Much Love
L x

dramaqueen
Posts: 52
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by dramaqueen »

Hi Cazza,

I am so sorry to hear your story. Please do read the other threads on here - there are 2-3 other women with very similar stories who have posted in the past couple of weeks and many more before that. In my experience, reading about others in the same position can really help to shine a light on your own situation - it's like a penny drops when you realise that you are experiencing the same or very similar as everyone else who has an addict in their lives.

Please also call the FA helpline - 0207 4984 680. It is staffed by people who have addicts in their lives and they can provide details for you of online FA meetings. The meetings are very supportive and make you feel less alone.

Sending you strength.

DQ

cazza2790
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2020 5:49 pm

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by cazza2790 »

Thank you, P, LM & DQ

I have been reading through many posts and see a reflection of my situation. I know that what we had was not healthy for either of us.

He had said earlier this year that he didnt like who he was and wanted to change for the better, I guess it was all just lies again 😞

It has been very hard the past few months, I thought the lockdown was helping him as he seemed to be doing more to improve himself, but as soon as the pubs re opened he has been in them and also turning to dating apps, I guess to fill a need /void. I don't really know.

The time apart for us has helped me in a positive way and know that it needs to be HIS choice to change, its just very hard watching him make the choices and feel like he is giving up on himself as I know he is better than it.

I will contact the helpline and find a local meeting, I think support for myself is what is needed the most right now.

Our daughter is adjusting to him not living with us, and she is happy when she sees him, but I know she doesnt see him in the same light anymore even at the age of 9 (nearly 10). I have encouraged her to see him and speak with him, but at times he just doesnt seem to care. He sent a video whilst drunk to her and whilst it wasnt obvious to her it was for me. I told him that its not acceptable behaviour and not to do it again. If it happens again then the video calls etc will stop as she does not need to see that behaviour.

I have struggled with low self esteem and anxiety for many years and his addictions have caused them to get eorse over the years. Although my positive is since there has been distance I can feel myself getting stronger and the anxiety has lessened.

Thank you again for the replies. It is good to know I am not alone (although sad so many face this).

Cazza

Poetry
Posts: 322
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by Poetry »

Stay on the forum, Cazza, and Dramaqueen's advice about the helpline is invaluable too. P

cazza2790
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2020 5:49 pm

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by cazza2790 »

Just need to get some stuff out of my head i guess.

I am going through a separation from my husband, well I think thats what is happening as he doesnt actually talk to me about anything that has gone in between us.

I have been trying to make a mutual agreement for the care of our daughter. I will have her for most of the time and he has her every other weekend but at his parents house.

I wrote in my email (which was full of suggestions on how we can work things out for the best for everyone) that I had concerns for his substance and alcohol use, and that whilst i had no concern what he did in his own time, it was for when our daughter was in his care. He took huge offence to it and told me I was underminding him and if I am saying it to play a game to get full custody of our daughter then I am basically a sh*t person.

I replied and advised that he has taken the context of my email incorrectly and that my intention is not to play games but to raise my concerns about his behaviours. He hasnt used coke in months apparently, but I am aware he has been in the pub drinking alone nearly every day he hasnt got our daughter. But according to him this doesnt mean he has a problem.

I still love him, but know I can not be with him as the person he currently is and it seems to be that he has no interest in changing, which breaks my heart all over again. Whilst most of the time I can stay detached from him and the relationship we did have before it started going downhill, I do have days where I feel guilty and like I should do more.

But at the same time I know that I tried all the ways before (including enabling behaviours which I didnt know at the time), to help hom but he just pushed me further away.

I think he is depressed and using these things to cope or make himself feel better but think ots making him worse and even now I am at a distance from him (not living together and basically separation). I still feel like I am the bad one. Amd when this happens it flares up my anxiety and depression and then has a negative affect on me. Whilst on a whole I am a lot stronger than I was 5 months ago, I hate that this is still getting to me and I just dont know what to do anymore.

If I could totally cut him off and never see him again that would be great, but sadly because of our daughter there still has to be contact. Although I have limited this to email and only about our daughter now. But I just feel like I am being judged by his family / friends for the separation when they do not know what has caused all of this.

He told me back in June that he had told his mum lf his drug habit again, but hadnt used since April, I really thought he was starting to make positive steps, but as soon as the pubs reopened he has been in them, so guess it was all talk.

Sorry again for the jumbled message, im not really sure what I want to say or even expect anyone to reply, I just wanted to get it out somewhere safe.

Cazza xx

Poetry
Posts: 322
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Cocaine and Alcohol addict Husband

Post by Poetry »

Cazza,
I often think, when writing, that I'm telling my story for myself. I think you know EXACTLY why you cannot be with this man, and you should be very clear about that.

You cannot control the reactions which others will have. You have to separate yourself from the sense that you are in any way responsible for their reactions. It's HARD. Addicts chip away at our sense of self belief. WE all know, on here, how they blame us relentlessly. It is SO unjust.

The only advice I can offer is to be aware of your own feelings and reactions and try to reflect on how you are, in fact, being mercilessly manipulated. There are better days and patches. Must say, I'm in a bad patch atm with I think a reaction to what I went through two years ago with the addict (those scars will never disappear) but I'm getting support from friends and trying to accept that it will pass. You are more in the thick of it. Access any professional support which you can. PLEASE take care and do a day at a time. You must get free of this poison in your life. You can still love this man, but you can't have him doing what he does. Loving does not mean always being with someone.

Early days, but you are doing what you need to do. Close your mind and heart to the abuse, and persevere. Addicts are so tedious. They all do exactly the same thing. P x

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