We can't go on like this any more.

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Marelli2
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Marelli2 »

I've posted before about my son. He's 49 now and the most lovely hardworking chap. From his mid-teens he experimented with Ecstasy, amphetamines, valium etc and as the years wore on, goodness knows what else. There can be months and months between any problems, then it kicks off again.
I just can't cope any longer with the fear, dread and anxiety that this has given me. I'm 70 and his dad is 81.Tonight his neighbour phoned me to say he was worried about him. We managed to get him to open the door and he looked awful. The place was a mess and he'd obviously been throwing things about. What I'm writing isn't anything like what I need to be saying. I need to be saying that I just can't cope any longer. I'm worried about his dad, who has pulmonary fibrosis and has had heart surgery. He says that he's finished with him, and that he's had chance after chance. My son and I are really close, but I just know now that this is affecting my own health. I'm posting because I just need to share how I feel now. I'm frightened.
LM66
Posts: 1110
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by LM66 »

Hi Marelli
I'm sorry to read of your struggles.
You and your husband must put yourselves first now. Your son is not going to change until he wants to, and you will have discovered that all your attempts to "help", haven't achieved much at all.
It's difficult to step back, I know, but for me, I had to. My sons behaviours were driving me insane and making me ill. Physically and emotionally. Our addicts will put us 6ft under if we continue to try and "fix" things. I truly understand how you feel. The fear and anxiety used to cripple me at times. It's an awful way to feel.
The police can attend a persons home, for a well-being check, if you are worried about him.
Please try and think of yourselves. Your son is almost 50 years old, and will do what he will do, regardless of what you do or don't. We fool ourselves into believing we have to rescue them. No one can do that except them.
Sending a big hug - I know how heartbreaking it is.
Much Love
L x
Marelli2
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Marelli2 »

Thankyou, LM. He’s been fine over the last months, working hard and looking very fit. Then, the s.it hit the fan at the weekend, which we didn’t know about until yesterday when a neighbour was concerned for him and contacted me. We’ve been here before, many times, and I’m just so, so frightened. For all the behavioural issues related to taking this stuff, when he’s ok he’s my rock. He’s supported me throughout his dad’s illness and is the first one I contact if there’s something happening healthwise with his dad.
LM66
Posts: 1110
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by LM66 »

Hi Marelli
It's not easy. I was on my own with my son for 11 years before I met my husband, so yes, you do develop a close bond.
What I realised however, was that there was a codependancy, certainly on my part. If he was happy, I was happy, if he was unsettled, I was unsettled - and it almost done me in.
When we have such a relationship, it can be unhelpful, especially to those who have addiction issues, as we respond in a way that tries to " fix them". This is so that we also feel better.
Took me a wee while to realise this, and change my responses. I couldn't continue to allow his behaviours to upset my apple cart. I gave him back ownership of his problems, so he could fix himself, or not, as the case may be.
Much Love
L x
Tired
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Tired »

L

You have written an excellent reply..... Sums it all up what I've been doing exactly for my addict until 7th September and I switched big time
Marelli2
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Marelli2 »

What you say really does make so much sense, LM. I wish I could shake myself into stepping right back and leaving him to it. His dad has been saying that as far as he's concerned that's it. I just wish I could feel the same. How many, many times have we been here....?
We feel wrung-out, don't we? Over the years, as terrible as each episode was, I always seemed to pick myself up again, somehow. I'm too old now, and so's his dad, at 81. We're just exhausted. Sorry to moan, but that's really what it feels like - absolutely exhausted, because we don't hardly sleep and can't eat. I so appreciate your comments.
WLITF. x
LM66
Posts: 1110
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by LM66 »

Hi Marelli
Please don't ever apologise for expressing how you feel. This is the place you can do so, and we all totally understand.
It is very exhausting. The continuous anxiety and waiting on the next bomb to go off drives you inssne, and just leaves you totally knackered and wrung out like a " wet clout". It's hellish!
You don't have to change overnight, but practise the little things, and these all build up.
You and your husband should not have to be dealing with this sh*t, but your son will continue to manipulate, as he knows it works in his favour. Try saying " no, sorry we can't help you with that" - even once. You will feel uncomfortable, of course you will, but sit with it. That's what I did, and I realised that all my fears were unfounded. It's our fears that keep us stuck Marelli.
Baby steps lead to bigger steps and you both deserve some peace in your life.
Much Love
L x
Marelli2
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Marelli2 »

It's the not knowing if they're OK, isn't it? For all the length of time I've been with FA, I should've learned something. I keep checking my phone to see if he's been active on Facebook (no, he hasn't) and that sends the anxiety levels sky-high. I should be joining the Zoom group this morning, but I feel too raw to speak my thoughts and fears out loud. I know that this is how it works with him, that he'll 'go to ground' so to speak, but I'm climbing the walls. I also understand the reasoning behind his going to ground, and the reasoning for my climbing the walls, but after things being OK for so long, in a job that he's felt good about, gaining back his self-esteem..... I've got to try and get a grip of myself somehow. If not for myself then for his dad. It's hard and it's never going to go away.
Poetry
Posts: 373
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Poetry »

Marelli, I'm so moved by your honesty and also by the quality of the others' responses. Of course, we have all been at the stage you are at and I can't promise that it will change, but your AIM is to get some peace, and to remember that you can change this if you really want to. I know it's hard to read, but your husband is so right but also lucky that he's been able to cut himself off. I too have done that, as has my husband, who was close to our son. It will kill one or other of you, and there are other ways of being dead than merely physically.

I don't know how we manage to do it, but realising we can't go on is a stage on that journey. I too (we all have) have been through the constantly checking social media and being flooded with relief when he's back on there, but I think his dad (who was checking Instagram) has been blocked, and I don't care. My fear two years ago was that I would not know if he was alive. Now I don't. It's all right.

You say he was your rock when husband was ill. Well, he's let you down big time now, and that is HIS choice. We all have them. How many of us have woken up this morning and taken illegal drugs? Thought not. Our choice.

Please believe me that I do know how hard it is to get free. You just have to want it with a sufficient passion. I have ME. Two years ago my son's antics had me bedridden again. How was that fair to my husband, other sons, and two little granddaughters. A number of us on here have health problems, or partners with health problems, or both, or are elderly. We deserve better. Sending you love. Keep posting, keep reading and take the littlest steps out of this hell. P xx
Marelli2
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Marelli2 »

I have read all your replies over and over again and I really do value what you've all said. It's making that change, however gradual, that is going to be the turning point for me and I know, that if his dad and me are going to come out the other side of this, then we have to act on it now. Xx
Poetry
Posts: 373
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by Poetry »

Marelli, I think you are already making the change. Do keep in touch on here. Love, P. x
LM66
Posts: 1110
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: We can't go on like this any more.

Post by LM66 »

Marelli
Yes, keep reading previous posts, and posting yourself. I gained alot if useful information, from doing so.
Sharing with others on here, will give you " back up", as you know we all understand and can share our own experuences with you - what helped us.
Most definitely, it is time for you and your husvand to be the priority. You can see that putting all your focus and energy on your son, does nothing. That's because he is in control of his own choices.
It is difficult initially, and goes against the grain, but it does become easier when you feel your resolve building.
I have been hounded by my son via txt for the last few days, requesting money. He's about to get blocked again. I can't be bothered with it any more. Manipulation and emotional blackmail - absolute tosh! Threats of suicide - well there's nothing I can do about that either. I don't control his actions, and he will certainly not gain control of mine.
Keep pushing forwards.
Much Love
L x
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