Unsure if relapsed

Have your say
Post Reply
RoxanneT
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:53 pm

Unsure if relapsed

Post by RoxanneT »

Hi everyone,
I’m just wondering if people have experienced the same old red flags of drug use with their partners during their recovery and what you did about it?
My partner had a 20 odd year long cocaine and alcohol addiction that he hid it very well from me at the start of our relationship. I found out about 2 years in when I was already pregnant with our daughter. It’s been pretty hellish since then, I have left once but came back.
He attended rehab for 3 weeks and things improved for a while but I’m seeing red flags again, mainly awful moods very aggressive, not bothering to sleep/get up, money seems to be missing, over working himself, avoidant.
He has Supposedly been clean over 100 days now, has been attending meetings & has a sponsor and is just starting step 4. He isn’t receiving any therapy nor is he having therapy with me like he is meant to be as per his exit plan from rehab.
I’m just not sure what to think or do really I’m not sure it’s acceptable that he isn’t sticking to these things especially when he is becoming so agressive and verbally abusive again. Maybe he’s just like that?!
Sorry this is a lot of info and only the tip of the iceberg as such, but yeah if anyone has had similar experiences I’d love to hear.
Thanks :)
Bee88
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:57 am

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by Bee88 »

Hi Lucy.

I can relate to your situation. I have been with my partner for 3 years and he has recently relapsed with an occasional lapse before that.

From my experience my gut is always right and a lot of my indicators are the same as what you've listed. Money going missing, over working, snappy and aggressive when confronted. He can always provide some kind of excuse when he wants to and I second guess myself every time because I think what if this time hes telling the truth....but its never the truth! I've realised this more and more each time it happens and unfortunately the nature of his addiction means honesty is not forthcoming.

What does your gut tell you at the moment?
LM66
Posts: 1136
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by LM66 »

Hi Lucy
My son is my addict, and I can say that cocaine turns him into a monster when he's coming down. He is agressive and verbally abusive. Positively vile! I wouldn't wish any girl to become involved with him to be honest.
You say " may be he's just like that" - even worse!
You know the signs. You have to decide what you will tolerate, and what you won't.
Time to put you and your daughter first. You certainly do not need to accept that kind of behaviour.

Much Love
L x
RoxanneT
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:53 pm

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by RoxanneT »

Hi Guys

You’re both absolutely right. My gut tells me he has done drugs again and my instincts haven’t been wrong before. With all the lies and abuse and gas lighting that have gone on here it can be so confusing and what you said about hoping that this time it will be the truth is Just so spot on to how I feel. Still holding onto some silly hope I guess.

I don’t think he’s full on back there yet like he has been before, but something has happened for sure. The thing that makes me doubt myself even more is that unlike before he has been to rehab and is attending the meetings, receiving his chips etc, surely he can’t be doing it and doing that?! That’s a whole new level of deceit. he did attend some meetings before rehab and had a couple of counselling sessions when he was still in the full on midst of it then but that’s nothing like now. Just wow if he is, really wow :o :o

Part of the abuse unsurprisingly has been ‘economic’ as such. So financial stuff I pay for most stuff so have maxed credit cards now etc, he has damaged my cars by crashing them, all that kind of stuff, further making me feel trapped here. I have always worked before now literally since I was 14 (now 34) but my employment officially ended in feb to look after my baby for a bit longer before she is ready for nursery and school etc. I am terrified of leaving and trying to look after us on alone on benefits with all the horror stories i hear of people literally being starving etc because it’s not enough?! My family said they wouldn’t see me go without but I wonder how long it would take for that support to dwindle. I’m just very scared to take the leap and make us a new life but also don’t want this life for us?! If anyone has experience of making that change of also love to hear. Becoming a single mum right now feels very daunting to me.

It all comes in waves, the abusive stuff is very cyclic. When I spoke to women’s aid before I left before they called it intermittent reinforcement which seems about right. To add to the confusion even more. Ready to leave, on it’s ok now! Ready to leave again, no wait, it’s ok now?..... rinse and repeat. Very draining.

I feel now I am at the point I have tried literally everything that’s within my power. Even managed to get him to a counselling session with me a couple of weeks ago but sadly it didn’t go well. I thought he would compose himself better in front of this person as they are well known in the AA and CA circles and is very respected and just a lovely man but he was just crazy. This lovely
Man (he is an ex addict 29 years sober and now counsels addicts and their families) told me he didn’t want to make assumptions about what was going on with him but also said what you guys have said, to trust my instincts etc. So yeah I’m definitely feeling at a cross roads but equally restricted to my options. Possible plan would be stay for another 6 months to give him a bit more time to get some more work done, apparently up to step 7 is significant, put some money aside for myself if I can and create a plan B, and keep a diary to refer to in case I’m doubting reality again! Would love to hear your thoughts! Sorry for such a long reply!!
LM66
Posts: 1136
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by LM66 »

Hi R
Becoming a single mum is daunting, but what would you prefer for yourself and your kiddo? A life of turmoil, abusive behaviour when he feels like it, money spent on drugs instead of paying the bills, wrecked cars - or a life of peace of mind, stability for your little one and yourself. You will adapt to being a single parent. Trust me. And situations change. It's not all horror stories, but the life you are living now, is close to it, and will become worse.
Stop putting him first - giving him time to sort himself out, he knows what he needs to do. Put him on the backfoot, and concentrate on yourself and your child. What do you want for your life? Take your power back my girl.
Much Love
L x
RoxanneT
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:53 pm

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by RoxanneT »

Thank you L I know you’re right and I’m so sorry to hear your son is an addict. As a mother I can imagine how heart wrenching that must be. The other thing to mention is he has 2 children from a previous marriage, so my only daughters 2 sisters. We have them half the week and I am their main care provider when they are here as you could probably imagine. I know how spiteful he will be if I do leave and it’s doubtful I’ll get to see them again, it may all end up completely no contact as I don’t know how I could ever hand my daughter over to his care for a weekend for example? I just can’t trust that he is clean/would stay that way.
In fact I read a thread on here of this poor lady who’s daughter is an addict, she got clean, got custody of her daughter back but then relapsed very quickly after and ‘Partied all weekend’ and now the child is in her grandmas care. Only thing is my partner is clever, he uses at work to get through the day and then continues because of dependence, he doesn’t do it to party, it started that way in his teens of course but not anymore. he is a high functioning addict of sorts, and can be very convincing so it would be hard to know either way at a distance. but some of the states I’ve seen him in with his children in his care is just unbelievable. Not to mention the driving under the influence just thank the lord the children were not in the cars for those incidents. I haven’t allowed him to drive anywhere with my child since she was afew days old when I believed he was clean. And he calls himself a good dad.
I’m scared for them if I go and sad we may not get to be in their lives anymore. Even if he were clean there would be no amicability between us, and that won’t be because of me. And I don’t know what’s more damaging, having him be extra abusive to me when we are apart/him being in a new relationship so being abusive towards someone else in front of our daughter without me there/us being together and him being this crap dad but with me present as protector but I feel I would also then be teaching my daughter that it is ok to accept this behaviour from men/no dad at all?! It is all just such confusing scary stuff.
If anyone has been in a relationship like this with children involved I’d love to hear your thoughts especially if you did escape the situation and how you feel about having done so?
Thank you all xxx
Reallytough
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2020 8:52 pm

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by Reallytough »

Saddest thing is when they surface for a while. The gentle, kind person I knew in childhood. Like 2 or 3 people in one body. I only like one. I never bargained for more.

Neither did he.

How to grieve someone still with us? How to unlove?

Fear of facing the future alone. Then the anger and resentment of how it should be. Why? Blame them etc. Gets me nowhere. I'm now addicted to him. The fantasising gets me nowhere. 'Why me? questions get me nowhere.

'Why him' questions get me nowhere.

It's so hard. True sadness, pain and suffering. I'm mad, he's numb.

At meeting today, I just thought he's not mine. I don't own him, cant control him. He's not mine.

This is my mess now to sort. My life to carve.

Washed my face, cleaned my teeth, got dressed on top of pajamas - let boiler man in to get heating sorted. Hid the tears and put kettle on ... moving forward I guess.
RoxanneT
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:53 pm

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by RoxanneT »

Wow that is a really powerful reply thank you 🙏
Yes we don’t own them, there is no control to be had. Grieving the loss of a person who is right there in front of you. So true. So sad.
There really is a lot of acceptance of reality to be had for most of us here I feel. I was thinking back to our first date today, in hindsight he was on it then. I remember a long trip to the toilet and strange aggressive behaviour towards other people after that which I didn’t react to, it wasn’t a red flag for me at the time because it’s what my dad is like so it must’ve felt ok, familiar, nice even?! (he’s an ex marine and alcoholic) and these are my wounds I have/am still dealing with and that’s one of the good things to come out of this. Stuff I thought I had dealt with that I hadn’t is now being dealt with. I’m getting stronger.
Blessing to you I hope you’re ok.xx
Bee88
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:57 am

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by Bee88 »

I can relate to so much of what is said here.

Its so hard isn't it, to try and make those decisions and to say right next time is the last time but it isn't.

Like you say we don't own them, or in fact have any control over those actions what so ever.

Like reallytough says the hardest thing is that the nice version of them surfaces....that is the stage I'm at now. An awful week last week and for now everything feels OK but if I'm honest I fear this ok feeling because I'm scared of not knowing whats to come, will it come, when will it come etc etc.

This forum makes me feel less alone, wishing you all strength x
RoxanneT
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:53 pm

Re: Unsure if relapsed

Post by RoxanneT »

Wow yes 100%. That nice time, I am there 2 right now just today. But you feel on edge don’t you? Just waiting for the next blow up. To be honest there was one blow up today, but only one altercation is a good day over here ! We were taking the kids to the park, and I took our youngest to the car as he was out there already I thought he was just waiting for us but he went mental saying he was clearing it out to get it ready and cant I ever wait etc etc. It seemed a really weird and wildly over the top reaction so I suggested he was hiding something in the car that he didn’t want me to see. That made me the devil of course. He sat behind me as I drove us to the park (youngest sits next to me in the front) and I could smell alcohol from him whenever he spoke. And I was catching whiffs of it all afternoon. I checked the mouthwash in the bathroom as I was trying to think rationally could it be something else, but it was not moved and smells nothing like what I could smell. I could smell whiskey. His drink of choice. I didn’t call him out on it as I have no proof, and not worth the torrent of abuse that would follow. He’s now at his AA meeting as I write this message.
And yes thinking ‘this is it, this is the final straw, absolutely no way I am done’ And then you stay. again :cry: I’ve never understood these types of situations fully before now, it’s easy to look at a situation like this and say that woman should just leave! What is she doing? She must be so weak! How could she keep putting her and her children through this? But it is in no way as straight forward as just leave. I have the utmost respect for women who have the strength to leave, but also the strength to stay. I don’t know which is harder to be honest.
So glad this helps you feel less alone. It’s certainly helping me also so thank you everyone xx
Post Reply