So hes gone, what now

Have your say
Post Reply
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

I am writing this in floods of tears
I am so confused
I am sad, scared, angry, alone, lost.
Why do i feel guilty?
Am i the evil person he says?

He had been acting odd ever since xmas day, the minir relPse.
Nope big relapse and using alot ever since.
Lies to my face time and time again.
After the lies from my ex husband thats a big no from me.
I was there for him, i asked for meetings to try and understand and support me through his journey .
He said he could not belive he had found such an amazing understanding women who he loved so much
And then texts me to say hes addicted again and using regularly

So stuff packed in bun bags and left on the street for him. Arrives high as a kite and driving!!!!
Locks changed
So more money i dont have and more that can be added to the bill i will not get back from him.

I am not proud of the messages but they were just my feelings of anger and complte devastation which he turned around to me.
I am now the evil, horrific, horrible one that basic no one could love....and mentally disturbed.

I am now so lost , feeling i should not be in this group as i failed
But i need help, i am broken
LM66
Posts: 1192
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by LM66 »

My dear Zed

You have not failed at all my love. And why should this group not be for you? This "house" is for all those wifes, husbands, partners, parents, children, friends - anyone whose life has been impacted by another person's addiction - that includes you.
You are most definitely NOT an evil person, nor are you deranged! Our addicts can be very mean, and downright nasty, when you stop playing along, and just accepting their behaviours. So they let rip with the verbal onslaught. It is so very hurtful when it comes from the mouth of someone you love.
You have put a stop to your life being damaged further by addiction. Your partner isn't ready to stop using at this point. You are protecting yourself and your home. The only thing you can do. The right thing to do, in my opinion.
Your heart will heal. It takes times. It's just so painful initially, I know.

"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life. "

You have taken control of your life Zed!
Much Love
L x
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

Thank you
Am sat at work trying not to cry.
I just felt cos i kicked him out people would want me out as i am not in the thick of the madness.

He did too much damage too early on in the relationship . Even he said he knew it was over when he sent the text as the lies were to big to come back from.
Now i am suffering and its affecting me more then i thought.
Panic attacks, small things are causing me issues and i can not turn my brain off.

Not sure i will ever trust again as he knew how hard it was after my ex husband to truat and now he dies this to me.
Am sad i cant go to any meetings this week as i am working silly hours.
Cant bare to delete the mesaages and pic but having and reading them is also killing me

I am just so lost and lonley.
Tired
Posts: 49
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Tired »

Zed

You've been on my mind as I recall the Christmas day incident.

Everything LM66 has said is right. you do belong here..... I know you are really really upset and hurting but please come back on here.

His choice is drugs.....
Paulette
Posts: 137
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Paulette »

Hi Zed
Just to confirm what others have said. You are in the right place and we are all here for you.
It will get easier in time. Not that you will forget. You will get used to accommodating the agony into your life. That's why you're here - we all understand this, and we all live with it. And mostly we live well. And sometimes we have terrible days. That's ok. We are here to help each other, because it is hard and it is sad. And despite all this, a lot of the time we can be ok. Eventually! Keep posting.
Love
Pxx
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

Thank you all

I definitely do not feel strong or any such thing right now. Juat like a fool.
But i am trying to stay busy and focus on getting my head back in the game. Start goid earing again, walking the dogs again anything to stay busy.

I am starting to have a list of questions and guess i will never know the answers.

I have wonderful people around me who have filled my fridge with food, bought timers for lamps as i am at work till late and let my digs out while i M at work.
But i still feel lost.
But i live in hope each day i will gain a little bit more strength.

Thank you all again for the words, they do help x
Poetry
Posts: 426
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Poetry »

If you EVER despair, read again and again all the messages on here. This will not last. It will pass. Do not give up. We have ALL experienced what you are going through. Promise. The reason we are on here is that we want to live lives beyond the reach of the cruel mayhem which addicts create. They choose, and so do we. Love, P.
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

Thank you
I have been reading and re reading them.

I am struggling with stress and anxiety at work and thats never happened before in my life no matter what i am gone through.

Contact with him last night re money.
Texts only
He says he wasn't going to pay me back as he is still angry with me re the things i said...... but has changed his mind cos he is a good man.
This contact is bitter sweet as he has proved he never gave a shit about me and i now know i was used from day one.
Yes i can now close that box and i have my answer but of course that hurts and i feel even more stupid then ever. I have come to the conclusion i will die alone as i cant go through this again after ex husband and now him.
Tired
Posts: 49
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Tired »

Good evening zed

This was me exactly a few months ago, I felt my stomach going reading your posts....

As poetry says, keep reading all posts on here it's so true, they help massively.

The pain does become less I can vouch for this..... Please believe its not you.... But him

Xxx
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

I feel guilty at times for posting so much but i just don't know what else to do and the replies are really helping me
Tired, that stomach feeling is the worst and i cant wait till it goes away.

No money and now no replies
I think i need to give up on the money and cut all ties as when ever a text comes through i feel sick incase ita him and then i am upset when its not. I cant live like this, i will not live like this.
I still feel i failed as so many people stayed by there other halfs side and that plays on my mind but i also know this was the right thing for me in my situation and keep reminding myself this

You have all helped me so much so far x
Poetry
Posts: 426
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Poetry »

Post whenever you need to.

Guilt is what we have been given.

When my son used to phone my husband (always off on one) in 2018, not only did I feel that I was about to vomit, but the fear was in danger of affecting my continence. I used to shake uncontrollably.

No one should be tolerated who does this to us. It's wicked.

It WILL improve, as Tired says. P xx
LM66
Posts: 1192
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by LM66 »

Jeezo, yes Inremember those feelings. I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't function at work - my son's addiction nearly done me in, if truth be told.
Poetry, yes, the nausea was horrendous and went hand in hand with the anxiety - I was a complete wreck.
Zed, each person is different. I would bot and could not live alongside someone in active addiction. It is far too destructive. Recovery is a lengthy process, that some maintain, and others don't - so we have the chose to stay or not. My own thoughts when children are involved in the mix, it's a no go. They don't ask to be subjected to the ups and downs of it all. It can be so damaging.
Never apologise for posting. It helps and can bolster your resolve.
You will be OK Zed, I promise you.
Much Love
L x
Zed81
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2020 4:11 pm

Re: So hes gone, what now

Post by Zed81 »

I hate that others feel the way i am but also relived as i am not alone.
I feel better for talking to people that get it.
My friends are the most amazing people but they cant understand the feelings even though they trying.

I know i did the right thing for me and my life even though it breaks me each time i think about it.
I have had no contact for 3 days now, i live in hope that he is trying to sort his shit as he put it and that he is not at the bottom of a black hole. But i also learning that this is his journey and not mine. I have my journey now and am working on that. I live in hope that i can get tk the stages where alot of you are and accepting that some things are out of my control.
Live for the day

I can not thank you all enough for giving me your time it means the world to me.
X
Post Reply