My daughter

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terry
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:13 pm
Location: Devon

My daughter

Post by terry »

Hello everyone,
This is my first post. My daughter is 31 and a heroin and crack addict since 17. For much of that time she has been street homeless, sometimes coming back home and me trying to cope. The last time was about 4 years ago. I was coming home from work to dealers having been there; calling the ambulance with her overdosing, I could go on with the nightmare of things that have happened. Instead of my home being a safe haven I felt it was a just making it easier for her to carry on her addiction. The boundaries always got trashed so I had to carry out the consequence which was to make her leave.
These days we have a loving relationship but it's very minimal. She doesn't want any involvement from me with her key workers and I've been respecting that. She's in a St Mungo's hostel for women, I get the feeling it's a good place (that's compared to some of the horrendous places she's lived where she was frankly better off on the street). But I'm so desperately worried about her, she seems to be going more and more down hill. She doesn't engage with help and is an expert at staying under the radar. I'm desperate to contact the hostel but I've done this before in other places she's lived and it hasn't helped. I feel like a monster just leaving her to slowly die, but I just don't know what to do. She lives 90 miles away, and I know it'd go the same way if i had her back so it's not the answer. I feel I've done the recommended steps of looking after myself first, detach with love etc, but it's not easy, and it's tearing me apart to know she's in such a bad way. She' s been an addict for 14 years now and I think to myself, surely it would be better for her to die here at home rather than on the street? But then I say, I know I can't help her, and she needs professional help, and she is best placed for that in St Mungos.
Any thoughts would be appreciated
Poetry
Posts: 460
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: My daughter

Post by Poetry »

Heartbreaking. Just sending you my love, really.

In your place, I would choose St Mungos. You do not have the expertise. Our addicts are very ill. If they are receiving any specialist support, that is a shining light. What shines equally brightly is your love for your girl. That doesn't change if she stays where she is, and it is better if you remain free of this stress.... tentatively? I couldn't do it. Inviting my son to my home would make me ill. I have to live free of the horror and the evil which I feel was unleashed.

If either of my other sons was very ill, and if it were to be relevant, I would have them with me.

That is a kind of answer to your query, but just as importantly, I think you will feel less lonely if you keep posting on here about how YOU feel, are coping and so on. You are never alone. I find I can't share with people who do not know about the horrors of addiction. It seems inappropriate to tell them about the horror, but here I am understood and understand. P.
terry
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:13 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by terry »

Thank you for your empathic reply Poetry.
It's so good to hear what other people think as it is so lonely (not to mention terrifying) to have a loved one in addiction. It's so true that it's hard to get any understanding from others who haven't experienced this. I view it as an illness, and I know my daughter is self medicating. I've tried everything I can think of to support her and get her into recovery but to no avail. I've always been on my own, in rented accommodation so I have no means of paying for rehab. There was a point when she was at home and the family key worker got her a place but she wouldn't go. It was the final straw for me for that to be turned down.

Thanks for your comment on the fact that you would have your sons at home if they were very I'll. Thing is she IS ill, her physical health is now really crumbling. She has no veins left to inject into, has COPD cos of smoking heroin and crack, has fits, has gout cos of alcohol. But she still manages to get out there begging etc. It has been going on for so long that I feel I don't recognise when is it that I step in? I've done that before and still she goes back to it all. And I do say to her that I'll help her in any way I can, but I won't give her money. I suppose another thing is she hasn't asked to come home.

I'm straying away from what I feel myself which is numb, cut off, like I'm floating in a dream really. I have been off work with complex PTSD for 2 years now, so I have to remind myself I'm not well. And I think, I'm going to get such a shock if she dies and I'll regret not doing anything more to help. It is very hard to have this distance from her.
LM66
Posts: 1225
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: My daughter

Post by LM66 »

Hi Terry

You're thoughts, are similar to mine, regarding my son, but he is in prison at the moment.
It is true, there is not a thing we can do to stop their drug use. They need to do that for themselves. Hard for a parent to step back isn't it. Every parent on here would agree. However, to have them live at home, would not be safe, or healthy. I refuse to put myself in the firing line. That would be utter madness, and wouldn't solve a thing.
She has access to help, if she wants to take it. We can't force them to do it. No one can. Even when their physical health is poorly, it doesn't deter them.
You need to look after yourself. You are important too - don't forget that. We try so hard to fix our addicts out, that we fall to bits!
It tears at your heart, I know. But I have found that over time, and making a conscious effort to prioritise myself, it has become easier. It's a daily task to "shoo" negative thoughts or fears, out of my mind. I do something to busy myself, and change focus. Seems to work for me.
Stick around the forum Terry. I find it helps to be able to offload our worries and thoughts.
Much Love
L x
terry
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:13 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by terry »

Thank you L for your wise words.
It affirms that I'm doing the right thing to keep my distance.

I actually thought this was my first post but on closer inspection I see I posted 11 years ago! So it's interesting for me to reflect back on where I was then.

I realise that in myself I'm in a better position with the distance I've had. I have been able to get my life and home back together by slowly taking on board and practicing the advice I've had.

It's still very hard to keep at it though. I managed to stay at work, and get on with other things by using 'distraction', but I became like a zombie, out of touch with my heart and instinct. It was too much for me to have any feelings. Eventually that in itself led me to fall apart again, and I now can't work. I've been through the thick of it with the horrors and the - yes, evil - of the depths of addiction (and I reckon crack is even worse than heroin). I know the addict becomes monstrous, but it's the dealers I really feel rage about.
So now I'm trying to repair my nervous system, and my heart while keeping strong and not going back to old ways.
muvver
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2021 8:39 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by muvver »

Hi Terry

I also have a daughter who is an addict. She’s 27 and been on drugs since she started university.
At the moment i have been stopping lending her money. She gets so angry and constantly rings me begging.
She has lots of anxiety and social issues, which doesnt help her plight. I lay in bed worrying about her every night. Her Dad- my husband passed away 2 yrs ago and she has been wild ever since. I had her living with me for a year and couldn’t wait for her move out.

She has a lovely flat that i furnished for her, she does nothing, no housework, no washing, no cooking. Just sits around or in bed all day.

Bloody awful life
Muvver
terry
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:13 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by terry »

Hi Muvver

I'm so sorry to hear about your worries with your daughter, and that you have lost your husband.
Worrying in bed at night is so bleak - been there many a time, as have we all on this forum I'm sure.
Good to hear you are not lending your daughter money though. Right move I'm sure.
When I look back to earlier times I'm in a better place with it all, even though my daughter isn't. I was fire-fighting every day. I'd be caught up in the panic 24/7 and out of fear, falling for the schemes and excuses she'd make. The more money I gave her the more she'd ask. And each time I'd say to myself 'you MUST say no next time'. And hey presto I'd fall for it again. And did that money I shelled out solve anything? Course not. Made it worse, much worse. Her terrifying life loomed over me so much that I couldn't see who I was. I was just reacting to the emergencies all the time. I felt that if I didn't step in and help her then she would end up dead, but a family worker made me see how resourceful addicts are. Took me ages but since I've been practicing the advice and remembering little phrases that make sense to me eg 'put you own life-jacket on first' it does get better. It really is about looking after yourself, that was the only way I could start saying no to her. 'Small steps' really works for me too. That way I don't give myself a hard time if I don't stick to stuff. And after time you realise those small steps have accumulated.
It's heartening and heartbreaking to read the posts on here, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in all this.
Stick at it Muvver

Love
Terry
muvver
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2021 8:39 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by muvver »

Hi Terry
Thanks for your reply. Every time i gave in and gave her money, i would be so cross with myself and say this is the last time.
I have gotten stronger to say no now. I buy her food etc but if she wants drugs that’s her to sort.

It’s much easier saying no now she doesnt live with me. I went to her flat today and had a shock at the state of it. 3 weeks worth of bins had accumulated. So i took them down to the bins. I offered to hoover but she refused. Her sink is full of dirty dishes, the place smells. To think it cost me nearly 2000 to get it carpeted and furniture. Ive learnt a lesson now.

I would love to be able to get up in the morning and have nothing on my mind and to do what i want.

One day maybe

Take care
Muvver
lost77
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:54 am

Re: My daughter

Post by lost77 »

Hi All,

I did write a reply to this thread the other day but seem to have not posted it.

I identify with so many things here and although heartbreaking it is comforting to know we are not alone with our problems and the similarities of the difficulties we face.

As a family we too have done the whole "fresh start" setting up of accommodations , only to find the place an absolute mess and furniture etc even sold. I find it soul destroying at times to see the state he lives in and have lost count the number of times I have waited for him to be out somewhere so I can go in and deep clean ...... the place only ends up the same again . I used to think the more I left it eventually he would do something with it , however that would be applying some logic and my addict doesn't think straight. His first and foremost thought is the drugs and the drugs destroy his thinking and ability to care about how he lives which in turn fuels depression etc .

Such a great point with the more you give in to the money requests then the more they ask. Despite the "never again" and "promises' sadly my experiences are such that it just escalates. I actually think at one one point he thought that our wages were his to have for drugs...... because he needed the money for *insert any reason/dillema/crisis.

Taking small steps backwards away from the chaos and intensity with limited contact is the only way I have found at the moment to save my mental health. When in the centre of the tornado of phone calls, messages etc I struggle to make the best decisions for myself .

Sending good wishes to you all
Lost x
muvver
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2021 8:39 pm
Location: Devon

Re: My daughter

Post by muvver »

Hello lost77

What you wrote is so true of my daughter. I seem to worry about her well being more then she does.
I also understand how intense the addiction is. I made her get help back last summer, she was on heroine at that time. She has 40ml of Methadone daily.
I take her to the chemist everyday to get it- a job I’m fed up with doing. The chemist doesnt open on a Saturday so she gets 2 bottles for the weekend on a Friday. I think she drinks that before Friday night is out. She has taken so much of mixing her drugs I don’t know how she is still alive. She has put on 6stone and is obese from doing nothing and eating 2 takeaways a day.

I really don’t know where i went wrong in raising her, my son isn’t at all like her. I love her but, I’m falling out of love with her gradually. I sometimes feel i want to just not speak or having any contact with her. It’s tearing me up and I’m suffering with depression over it

I need advice, but COVID stopped that
Rant over
Muvver
lesleerose
Posts: 59
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: My daughter

Post by lesleerose »

Dearest terry
They say if u come on here long enough you will here your own story my daughter started her addiction and eventually turned to heroin for a very long time she told me she wasn’t injecting but of course she was she is 38 now ... I have gone through every form of trying to help that was humanly possible and I too have PTSD .... night terrors even last night .... I like yourself let go at one point she ended up in a hostel where she told me the prostitution’s was rife and the girls that ran it were sending her out to do likewise to give them the money ... horrified I paid again to put her in yet another rehab 2 years later she ended up back in the hostel I now recognise it was all probably lies ... fast forward another few years a miracle baby was born my heart was broken it isn’t supposed to be like that it is supposed to be beautiful for a gran mum to expect a little beautiful baby girl and for us to go shopping for baby prams cute clothes ... My little granddaughter is 8 years old now eventually she had to be taken away from her mother at the age of 2 .. I love this little girl so much more than words can say .. and have managed to keep her out of the care system so far .... Then jut around 9 months ago I was told my daughter was of everything she was facing jail and she was offered a place in turning point of course she chose turning point .... I spoke to her once and she hasn’t bothered to get in touch or ask about the wee one ... I would say leave your daughter where she is because no matter what you do she will only recover when she is in pain back against the wall on fire ... please don’t give up hope with her I know it is so very hard and when my girl was at her worst a skeleton of the 6ft blond hair gorgeous girl it ripped my heart apart and my soul .. But now in recovery she has been given a flat and all the furnishings... Meanwhile look after you number 1 ... and remember “you didn’t cause it , you can’t control it, you can’t cure it but you can make the correct choices for yourself and relating your experience to others .... Keep coming here you will find peace and there is a lot to be said for peace ... And you are no longer alone
Bless you xx ❤️
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