My partner was in a really bad place with drugs and alcohol. We have been on and off for about 3 years because of this, but i have always been there even when we weren't in a relationship. There has been a couple of times that i thought he was going to die.He is turning his life around and is attending meetings and currently on step 4 of the 12 steps with his sponsor. I am so happy that he is doing this because i had seen him at his absolute worst.
I feel that i have been there throughout and now he is getting clean properly this time, he has found all these new friends that understand what he is going through and he is always texting and chatting. I dont know where my place is now. I have never taken drugs and i am fully aware i dont know what its like to have addiction.
Am i being selfish to feel like this ??
FEELING CONFUSED
Re: FEELING CONFUSED
No, you are not. This is a story we hear often about recovering addicts. Remember that they are still ill. Who knows how long it takes to regain full engagement with the world, to play a part in human relationships which involves acting responsibly, to stop thinking so egotistically... and so on.
I think at the moment it might be best to see your partner's recovery as not too different, in terms of his attitude to you, to his addiction, although, as far as the future is concerned, it sounds so HOPEFUL!
If he is doing the Steps, then gradually he will see more "globally," and be able to see your hurt and insecurity, but for the present he is feeling euphoric about his new found support (which is very important to him) and he does not have the perspective, because of his years of addiction, to see, with any degree of nuance, your needs, but this does not mean forever.
I suggest you think about playing "the long game" and try to accept where he is at the moment, but do talk to us on here about how you feel. We empathise!! Use your own support network.
My son is addicted to alcohol, crack and heroin, but recently has made some efforts to recover. My husband and I have been through hell, and I am sure you have, too, and we have supported him relentlessly, but we are almost irrelevant to him. I am determined to continue letting him get there unimpeded (If he does-not sure) and am only taking him on about any outrageous aspects of his treatment of us. There are some glimmers of humanity from him.
Your partner has attended meetings-brilliant. My son refuses. So far.... !
From time to time, I get angry and frustrated. How can this be-what our so has done to us? But I am also glad to be the "well" one in this relationship, able to make subtle, strategic and self- protective judgements.
Stay with us on here! Love Poetry.
I think at the moment it might be best to see your partner's recovery as not too different, in terms of his attitude to you, to his addiction, although, as far as the future is concerned, it sounds so HOPEFUL!
If he is doing the Steps, then gradually he will see more "globally," and be able to see your hurt and insecurity, but for the present he is feeling euphoric about his new found support (which is very important to him) and he does not have the perspective, because of his years of addiction, to see, with any degree of nuance, your needs, but this does not mean forever.
I suggest you think about playing "the long game" and try to accept where he is at the moment, but do talk to us on here about how you feel. We empathise!! Use your own support network.
My son is addicted to alcohol, crack and heroin, but recently has made some efforts to recover. My husband and I have been through hell, and I am sure you have, too, and we have supported him relentlessly, but we are almost irrelevant to him. I am determined to continue letting him get there unimpeded (If he does-not sure) and am only taking him on about any outrageous aspects of his treatment of us. There are some glimmers of humanity from him.
Your partner has attended meetings-brilliant. My son refuses. So far.... !
From time to time, I get angry and frustrated. How can this be-what our so has done to us? But I am also glad to be the "well" one in this relationship, able to make subtle, strategic and self- protective judgements.
Stay with us on here! Love Poetry.
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: FEELING CONFUSED
Dear Clair
I echo everything Poetry has said. Addicts will always remain addicts. Now he is addicted to NA/AA but that is at least a healthy addiction!
This is all part of the process and many partners find this puzzling. However, this is a necessary part of the process and it is natural that he should be taken up with the people he encounters at his meetings. They will understand addiction in a way that you and I could never do. Recovery cannot be done in isolation and recovering addicts need the support of people who have been there and got the t-shirt. Also, recovery is and must be a selfish process, at least in the beginning.
Recovery is a very long process - even when he reached Step 12, he will still be in recovery. He may even lapse though hopefully not. I have found that the first two years of my son's recovery were even more difficult than his addiction! Their physical and mental states have been in a state of suspension for the entire time they were using and the longer they used the longer it takes to get back to normal. Recovery is not for the fainthearted.
For the past three years you have been wrapped up in his problems. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself for a change. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the fact that the responsibility is no longer all yours. And don't feel guilty for feeling what you feel!
G
I echo everything Poetry has said. Addicts will always remain addicts. Now he is addicted to NA/AA but that is at least a healthy addiction!
This is all part of the process and many partners find this puzzling. However, this is a necessary part of the process and it is natural that he should be taken up with the people he encounters at his meetings. They will understand addiction in a way that you and I could never do. Recovery cannot be done in isolation and recovering addicts need the support of people who have been there and got the t-shirt. Also, recovery is and must be a selfish process, at least in the beginning.
Recovery is a very long process - even when he reached Step 12, he will still be in recovery. He may even lapse though hopefully not. I have found that the first two years of my son's recovery were even more difficult than his addiction! Their physical and mental states have been in a state of suspension for the entire time they were using and the longer they used the longer it takes to get back to normal. Recovery is not for the fainthearted.
For the past three years you have been wrapped up in his problems. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself for a change. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the fact that the responsibility is no longer all yours. And don't feel guilty for feeling what you feel!
G
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Clairebear23
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 5:23 pm
Re: FEELING CONFUSED
Thank you so much for the replies. That really helps. And Poetry, how you have described how is acting is exactly right!! Its such a relief to hear from other people in same situation. Its so strange to find myself in this situation. Never would i have thought that i would be supporting someone through recovery.
C x
C x
Re: FEELING CONFUSED
Hi C
Yip, a big echo to what the others have said. Recovery ain't for the weak hearted, that's for sure. For you, or your partner. The road is a very bumpy one to travel, therefore, could I suggest that you find support for yourself. You need it every bit as much as your partner.
Support will help you travel this road, and put strategies in place to protect you.
Your partner needs to work his own recovery, and you have to work yours. It will give you strength and knowledge/understanding.
Recovery is literally fighting for ones life, and never forget, your life is important too.
Much Love
L x
Yip, a big echo to what the others have said. Recovery ain't for the weak hearted, that's for sure. For you, or your partner. The road is a very bumpy one to travel, therefore, could I suggest that you find support for yourself. You need it every bit as much as your partner.
Support will help you travel this road, and put strategies in place to protect you.
Your partner needs to work his own recovery, and you have to work yours. It will give you strength and knowledge/understanding.
Recovery is literally fighting for ones life, and never forget, your life is important too.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."