Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

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Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi All

Feeling really awful tonight, don't know if it was the counselling session but a million thoughts running through my head.

Read some old posts and I know many of you are going through this with sons/daughters and I cant imagine how that feels and he is only my husband but its been 12 years which at 40 years old is a long time.

I wish I could just forget him as its easier for me I know you cannot forget your children and each and every day hundreds get divorced for many reasons. I we had just fell out of love it would be simple but this is so much harder, I am fighting against something I have no control over.

I don't want him back don't get me wrong but I miss the life I had before all this destruction started, that's what I miss not this mess of a life.

I know I will be ok one day but at this precise moment in time I feel devastated and just don't know what to do.

I thank god we didn't have children but then I get upset that all that has been taken away from me the chance of a family, I am 40 now so that is something that is highly unlikely to happen now.

The plan was to get our careers first (which we did) then start the family, don't get me wrong I am not pining for a family with him but for what I should have now if that makes sense.

I have invested so mush into this and to be tossed aside like rubbish at the is moment in time is unbearable.

Thanks again for all you posts you don't realise how helpful you have been (then again you do as you have all lived through this before me)xx
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Poetry »

When I feel desperate, which I have at times in my life, and have this last year over my son (not any more) I write a timetable and divide each hour into four so I have fifteen minute slots and I TELL myself what I will do in those slots. Then I do it.

Every unlivable day finally ends and it's bed time.

Then another day. Repeat. Repeat. It will change. What they say about Time-it's true. P
Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi Poetry

Thanks again for reply.

Everything you say makes sense but for tonight i just dont feel anything.

I think in have it a wall and I just wish I had my mum and she could take everythig away just for one night,

i am so tired with all the thinking just want it to go away.

i am sure it will be better tomorrow,xxx
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by gloria1953 »

You are in mourning, my dear. Mourning what was and what could be. You are mourning your hopes and dreams. You must grieve for what you have lost. What you haven't lost is yourself and that is a wonderful thing.

You will feel it sorely - I cannot lie. You will have good days and bad. But you will get there - this I know.

G
Poetry
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Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Poetry »

What Gloria has said is so true. It's odd I didn't think about it in relation to you, Cally, because my husband has been saying for some time that I have been in mourning for my son (a bit different for him as our son has not abused him like he has me) but yes, we mourn the "death" of the lovely person we once knew and the death of our hopes.

Our addicts betray their bonds/vows and speaking for myself, I find I mourn that too, how my son has betrayed me, yet I never let my parents down when they were older and vulnerable, or, indeed, that bit younger, as I am now.

Mourning takes time.

I assume your mum is dead? Mine died in 2015-anniversary January 7th-at 93 and suffering from dementia. We did not have a easy relationship but I would have her back if I could. Like you, I want her to take the pain away, although funnily enough, she was quite an emotionally unimaginative woman, who could be quite callous, but she did love me and she would be horrified to know what I am going through.

As I get older (68) I feel my mother's strength (she was CERTAINLY strong!) in me, and her qualities coming to the fore in me. It's a legacy worth having.

At the moment, Cally, you just want her arms around you, but without sounding trite, maybe the paragraph above will give you a bit of consolation.

We do promise you that it WILL change! Now carry on! Difficult as it is.

Love Poetry.
Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi

yes you are right that is what it feels like, mourning.
He has just left my life and is not here anymore so does feel like a death.

He has actually gone no contact with me now, changed his number (a friend who doesnt know anything tried to ring him and it didnt exist anymore so he rang me for his new number!

It has to be the guilt and he cant face it!

i should be relieved that he doesnt want to see me and i dont have to see the destruction it is doing to him but again it still feels like a kick in the teeth that HE has decided HE doesnt want to see or speak to me.

Poetry

My mum is still with us but we have not spoken for over 10 years, funnily enough it was becasue of my husband she took an instant dislike to him (no-one could understand as before this drugs scenario I dont think other than my mum there was person on the planet who didnt like him, just one of them people you warm to)

Thanks again for replies.x
Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi Newlife

Thanks for posting you have given me some hope that things will get better.

Its bittersweet to know that people understand how i feel but horrible that we have to go through it.

That is the main thing at the moment for me, that he will move on and i just need to get over that if he does he does but i know it will be painful, i am still obsessing about him! Maybe it will be me who will move on with someone else but for the moment i just feel in such limbo its horrible.

I keep finding more things out about what he has been up to and it just makes me even more upset, he was living a completely double life and it really does hurt, the pain is actually physical and I know you understand.

I plan to start divorce proceeding in the new year aswell.

It is weird becasue when he was here i hated him and i wanted to leave all the time but didnt and it is now him who says he wants a divorce and needs to do this journey himself and i have taken this badly (and i dont know why!!)

Thanks for getting in touch means a lot.x
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Poetry »

I'm not having another year like 2018.

Although it is my son who is the addict and not husband, I spent so long obsessed with why he had such a foul opinion of me, why he was constantly badmouthing me, it began to dominate my thoughts.

I now don't care.

Night night. Let's stay on course. P.
Joyce2018
Posts: 117
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 11:46 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Joyce2018 »

I heartily agree Poetry. This has been the most god damned awful year and now he can sort his own c**p out. I have had enough.

I have wasted too much of my valuable life obsessing about my son and his addiction and not enough time on the things that matter - me, my husband and our lovely daughter.

Cally, I have read all your posts but can’t add anything more than what the girls have already said. Except to say we are all behind you and although this must be so painful for you , you are doing well and realising what has to be done.

Sleep well and onwards and upwards.

Joyce xxx
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Poetry »

I've just replied to some emails and will have a shower and catch up with Coronation Street and Eastenders.

Last night was dreadfuI, I felt so depressed, but it was the end of 2018. Yes. Same here. Worst year of my life and I've had some terrible years. Today I have felt more optimistic.

I'm just sending love and fellowship to you all. We are all suffering, but we do not have to be lonely as long as we can post. And we can all work on recovering from the damage done to us. Poetry.
Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Update

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi all
He contacted me on the 2nd jan to say I take drugs, get a divorce if you want a future!!!
He came around on the 6th Jan to collect his passport as he was getting a flat, it turned into an argument and he said I haven't even been having as much as I said I just thought you would leave knowing I was taking drugs what are you clinging onto? This was my master plan to get away from you, look at the state of you, you say I take drugs you look like an anorexic c**t!!! all this over a bit of coke!!!
The next day he txt and said sorry for saying those things, but its a difficult time and a divorce is for the best, I am not a nice or the same person anymore!
No contact since then.
I have just put a deposit on a rental property and I move in 2 weeks and I have blocked all contact.
I have been talking to a councellor from the icarustrust.org and having one to one with a charity called footsteps and also attended a group for concerned families but I realised these sessions where about him and I needed to speak to someone about what I needed to do. he takes vast amounts of drugs and I realise I will never get any answers.
I told my work what was happening and they have paid for counselling and we are working out what I need to do now with my life, its about me now him!!
I have lost over 2 stone, my hair started falling out, I have cried everyday since he left and I know I wont stop crying for a lot longer but I am coming to realise that is par the course.
I am still in the denial part, my family cannot understand but I am remembering the husband I fell in love with and not this stranger that appeared all those months ago.
He has killed my plans of a family one day I am 40 now, he will have spent most of his half of the profit from the house, so killed the other dream of the house we wanted.
I wish I could say I feel stronger but I don't but I know I will, I just take each day as it comes.
I lay in bed wishing he would come home but I am now starting to think why would I want that, to leave at xmas and tell me all them lies, I deserve more than that!
I worry that he will stop and meet someone else and give them the life we should have had but if he does then he does and I will know for sure that he never cared.
He still blames me 100% for all this happening as he says he was unhappy, we got married 2 years ago!!

Thanks Cally
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by gloria1953 »

Hi Cally

These are all normal feelings and you will feel them, not feel them, feel them again and finally not feel them. He has let you (and himself) down in so many ways it is hard to see how this can be anything but a place of no return. BTW all addicts do what he does - offence is the best form of defence. My son did and it still does it when he gets in a twisted mood.

You say you worry about him meeting somebody else, stop doing drugs and give her the life that you wanted. Fat chance. What sane woman wants a loser with a shriveled up you know what because we both know that is what coke does after awhile. What sane woman would want a lying loser? The only woman he will get is someone on the same downward spiral as him. Good luck to them.

You need to start looking after yourself my dear. You are lucky that your job has been so supportive but they will not be so forever. You cannot go on losing weight and losing your hair. You are worth more than that.

You should and must mourn but you need to put a time limit on it. That does not mean that you won't hurt but you have to put yourself first. I will say something that I hope that you and the other wives and partners of addicts will not take the wrong way but here goes. We, with children who are addicts, carried them in our bodies, fed them, nurtured them and loved them - they are our flesh and blood. Our ties to them will transcend anything even if they are out of our lives. With husbands/partners (and I should know, I have had enough of them!), you can and will love again. It is hard to see now but you will. One day he will be a bad memory which will fade.

Every day try to do something, even if very small, positive for yourself. The road to recovery (ours) is difficult but not insurmountable. We are all here to support each other in the hard times. But you will overcome, of that I am sure.

G.
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Poetry »

Cally, Gloria has put it so well that I won't repeat it, just send you love and the assurance that you CAN and WILL recover.

It's my son, too, who is addicted, and as Gloria says, we carry our memories of the close physical bond we had, and the moment of their birth, but even so, my son is NOT coming back into my life to wreak this havoc again. MY life is more important. I have other family, friends, hobbies and a future, and he's not taking those things.

You sound like a determined person (even though you do not feel like it at the moment) and you know what's right. Rejoice as you begin to enjoy your food again, and watch your hair grow back. It will change. Nature will protect you.

All those things your partner said-I agree-all addicts abuse their loved ones like this. I still feel anger and frustration at the injustice some days but I hand it over- not sure to what or to whom, but I pray that it will be taken from me. It always is.

You will be all right in time. Get through the day. Keep in touch. Poetry.
Littleg36
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:23 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Littleg36 »

Hi Cally

I don't know if you have read my post of 13th Jan but I understand how you feel because I am in almost exactly the same boat - same age, same miserable Christmas 2018 and same drug!

I had spent 5 years in the knowledge of my partners drug use (although he had been using for much longer and I expect yours had too) and it each time he relapsed it was like being on a rollercoaster, initial panic then massive disappointment, then growing hope and then repeat. He was so good at hiding it that even when I was on high alert he could do it without me realising (until I found the massive debts). I am 39 and it feels like I spent most of my 30s totally stressed out and miserable trying to deal with this issue so the thought of hitting 45 or even 50 and looking back on those years having been spent in the same way is a frightening thought. I have been becoming more and more conscious of women in the news dying early of cancer etc and thinking god if that happened to me a) it would probably be down to stress caused by living with an addict and b) I have so much more to do with my life before I die and I don't want to spend it like this anymore.

The other thing I have realised is that the way he treats me is really nothing personal. I know that sounds odd but the sad fact is neither me nor our dog who I know he adores can compete with his love of cocaine. His mother tells me he thinks the world of me and maybe he does but I always take second place to cocaine. I liken his behaviour to having brain damage as that helps me rationalise it a bit. It is easy for us to think they can just get better if they go to NA or get some other help or just decide they have too much to lose and just stop because that is what we would do but it really isn't that simple and I think of it as him having to overcome what is effectively brain damage. I know it isn't impossible but I have given it long enough to know it isn't going to happen whilst I am around.

If he met a new woman, if they were nice I would feel genuinely concerned for their welfare and if they weren't nice I would think he was the worst curse I could ever wish on a woman - someone that can make you love them and then destroy you without even really meaning to.

Like you I do feel like I am in mourning for our relationship and what could have been as we could have had such a fantastic life together but this is definitely better than the alternative. I may be sat here on my own (with the dog) but it is better than being sat here on my own wondering where he is, he having done a disappearing act, ignored all my phone calls and texts, missed work, driven under the influence, spent all the money ......... It has taken me years to realise and come to terms with this but I am glad that I have finally stepped off the rollercoaster and I don't have to go round it even one more time.

Take care and enjoy your 40s. I am going to enjoy mine and make up for lost time!

Littleg
Cally1001
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict

Post by Cally1001 »

Hi Littleg

I have just read your post and you are correct its almost exactly the same.
I also have a dog who has been by my side all along this horrible journey and like you its hard to understand how the drug come before us.

The last time I spoke to his sister she said similar, he loves you and feels awful for leaving you at Xmas but he knows he has messed your head up completely and I deserve more. I suppose I should be glad he eventually left and I like to think he did it for me as he has said on many occasions I am too good for him etc and he will drag me down (but the nagging thought in my head is that is all a lie and he just wanted to be able to take more drugs)

I like you even when I was looking or it didn't see it he became so good a hiding it and that is what I find difficult at the moment all the lies and deceit.

The list of the things you have done bar a few I have done all the same things, especially the driving around looking for him etc which is complete insanity.

I am still in the stage of what if, I should have etc which is driving me mad, Like xmas, he rang and asked if we could spend the day together and I said no, after that he just completely changed again, When I did speak to him again I said you left me at xmas and he said NO you left me so I am now thinking if I had only said yes (total madness I know) even if he had have come around and ended up coming home we would have been back to square one within a week.


I suppose my pride and ego are hurt, after everything he did i still stayed and it was him who left so to me feels like a kick in the teeth and i feel so stupid.


He has always blamed me for this, how unhappy he was etc but since the xmas this has gone tenfold and even if deep down he knows its not me he has totally convinced himself it is all my fault.


You sound in a strong place and i am so happy for you, i am hoping i will be there soon and have thoughts for the future and plans and then i will be able to move on.


In a selfish way its nice to know that someone else knows how i feel and i am not alone on this journey, i cant image how the other guys who have children who are addicts are coping as that a different story all togehter as that is a lifelong bond, for us we can and have to move on no matter how difficult it is now.

I am hoping the anger of everything he has done comes soon as i think that will help me.

Take care and let me know how you are getting on.

Cally.x
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