Hi Everyone
Sorry this may be along post as its the first time posting and I have just found this site as I need some help for me, but I will water it down as much as I can.
I am 40 and my husband is 42, we have been together 12 years married 2.5. We have no children.
Dec 2017 I found out my husband has been taking cocaine heavily for at lest 2 years, I found out through his itemised phone bill and then I looked through his phone (ashamedly) and it was all there in black and white, he had literally spent thousands. I then checked the bank and he had been into shops and getting cashback so I didn't notice! He was also using a credit card I didn't know about so taking cash out for essentials petrol etc or so I thought but the essentials were on his card.
He told me what had been happeing and said he needed help, but never bothered getting it, he just said he could stop it, me not knowing anyting about drugs just carried on, he had been doing it in my house upstairs and set next to me so thats how much i know i didnt have a clue. (Looking back it makes sense now, the tirps to the toilet, popping the shop, taking the dog out for late night walks, the phone on silent, up all night saying he was feeling sick and sleeping all day)
Anyway things got worse and he left in January, he came back in Feb and asked for another chance and as i loved him i said yes, for 3 days he seemed ok then he didnt come back! It was a cold night and i took the dog for a walk and his car was parked in the side street, i looked in and he was on the back seat and would not wake up, on the front seat was an empty can of coke, sewing needels and loads of ash, i went to get my dad so we could wake him up and but when we returned he was gone, we found him in the garden laying in dog dirt looking for imaginary police, i was so scared i have not seen anyting like it before, he had been smoking crack in the car.He had to leave at this point.
At this time I was so confused and was ringing, txting, crying, begging as I still at that point just thought he didn't want to be with me didn't understand he was an addict, he was blaming me for it all, how I treated him over the years etc etc (all lies) I lost 2 stone and my hair was falling out - I have a good job and I am educated so me writing this is so confusing as if you asked me 3 years ago what would I do in this situation I would have so , as it I would run a mile but I didn't and I had no control over it I just wanted him back.
He was gone for 3 months and spent roughly 8K on drugs, lost his job and had nowhere to stay so yes you guessed it he came back and i let him!
He went the GP and they gave him info for places for meetings etc, as far as i knew he was goign to then but then he got a job working away for 3 days a week (I should have know that was a bad mistake) He was getting cash for the job so i didnt know what he was getting paid but he honestly seemed better was going the gym but all the weight back on etc.
He told me the house we lived in was an issue as it was a trigger and to be honest i hated the house so we sold it and moved to rented while we took our time to buy. we made 60k profit.
So fast forward to Oct, he has a new job as a manger in the profession he has always been in, we go to California for my 40th, all good!
When we get back i find a strange phone upstairs, a pay as you go with all the same old numbers in! i confronted him and he never stopped, how stupid am I, I even knew what to look for this time and i still missed it.
He left then again blaming me for being like big brother and makig him paranoid, goign through his things, so he went to his sisters.
The first week he spent £1500, second £2000 i deleted his sign on as i didnt want to see anymore but as it was half his he has 30K in his bank god only knows what he has left but he threated to go to the police if i moved it and legally it was his. I got my name off the joint account so i cant access it and also so he couldnt get an overdraft in my name.
So for a month again i lost weight, no sleeping, failing in work thinking about him 24/7.
First week of december he came around for a chat, he had missed 4 days of work in his new job. He ended up staying in the spare room for a week as he was unwell (coming down) he admtted he is doing 200-300 a day and is in a bad way, he has a hole in his nose and bits of skin are coming out and he is paranoid, i got him an appotment in the drug help facility near us and he went and after it went srtaight to get some coke, that was the final straw i asked him to leave.
i spent xmas day on my own yesterday and not going to lie i didnt think i would get through it but i did and i am on here so i have some hope.
Again i have been sat here feeling sorry for myself, wanting him to realise he has made a mistake etc but why would i want him here, its alwful when he is here but i still miss him.
I think he has become my drug and i cant get him out of my mind, i drive past his sisters to see if his car is there, i dont know why because if it isnt my mind goes into overdrive, i look a social media to see if he is out enjoying himself, i know he is not as he takes drugs on his own in a room peeping out of the window, that is not enjoying yourself.
He said the last time we spke he needs help but cannot do it with me and needs to be divorced, instead of me being happy he finally wants to get help i feel resentment after all i have done that he ups and leaves and wasnts to do it alone, if feel so evil for feeling that way.
I need to focus on myself but at the moment i cant. its like i need him to need but and now he doesnt i am lost, hopefully that makes sense, it doent to me logically. I have tried to fix it but after extensive reading i know this is impossible.
i am so sorry for the long post.
Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Cally, please don't apologise. Everything you wrote was familiar to me, and replicated my son's trajectory with heroin/crack cocaine use, although he was not living with us, so we did not have to suffer the types of manipulation which you have been subjected to-well, we did, but "at a distance." I recognise every element of your husband's behaviour.
We tried VERY hard to rescue our son-money when destitute, accommodation, taking him to a NA meeting, advice, loving letters, offers of paid for rehab.- on and on and on, to no avail. He got hold of money from a property sale and was off again leaving us with unpaid flat bills and a room to clear of furniture as he has decamped to be with his drug taking mates where he used to live in London. The flat we found him was BANG NEXT DOOR to the Drugs and Alcohol unit at the hospital and from his bedroom window he could SEE INTO the kitchen of the delightful cafe run by ex addicts and those with Life problems, on hospital premises.
We now know that the impetus for change, it it comes, comes from him. I am butting out. He made me ill with his accusations against me, with his lying. stealing from me, with my constant fear -and I'm not having it for the future.
I'm in one way sad for you about spending Christmas Day alone but WELL DONE. This is now about You.
This forum has helped me enormously to detach from my son's addiction. I hope it does you. Keep posting. We will reply. Poetry.
We tried VERY hard to rescue our son-money when destitute, accommodation, taking him to a NA meeting, advice, loving letters, offers of paid for rehab.- on and on and on, to no avail. He got hold of money from a property sale and was off again leaving us with unpaid flat bills and a room to clear of furniture as he has decamped to be with his drug taking mates where he used to live in London. The flat we found him was BANG NEXT DOOR to the Drugs and Alcohol unit at the hospital and from his bedroom window he could SEE INTO the kitchen of the delightful cafe run by ex addicts and those with Life problems, on hospital premises.
We now know that the impetus for change, it it comes, comes from him. I am butting out. He made me ill with his accusations against me, with his lying. stealing from me, with my constant fear -and I'm not having it for the future.
I'm in one way sad for you about spending Christmas Day alone but WELL DONE. This is now about You.
This forum has helped me enormously to detach from my son's addiction. I hope it does you. Keep posting. We will reply. Poetry.
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Hi Poetry
Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot.
I am sorry you are going through a similar experience with your son.
As i have time to reflect i am feeling gulity which seems stange as i am not the one who is addicted, i keep thinking what and if i could have done anything else. When he did come home why could i just not leave him alone to try and get better, why did i keep questioning him, wanting answers when it clearly was not the right time to ask questions. I wanted him to come home and when he did i questioned him knowing the outcome would be him leaving. I know these feelings will go and i will probably get angry but at the moment i just fell guilt.
It hasnt got to the stage where he owes money as he has an income but at this rate the job wont last and the savings will go and i worry if this happens will i be strong enough to turn him away? i am looking at what hanst happened yet but i cant stop my mid from wondering.
I have spoken to his sister before xmas and she says he is ringing FRANK every few hours and has an appoitment as he has now admitted to his family what has been happeing but i feel sorry for them as if he doesnt stop they are me 12 months ago thinking they can help.
I wish i could get rid of this fear of being on my own but i cant and i knoe if he turned up i would let him in.
Friends dont know as they would be totally shocked not only about the drugs but why i have put up with it so they think everything is fine, they dont even know he has left.
Again thanks for getting back to me.
Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot.
I am sorry you are going through a similar experience with your son.
As i have time to reflect i am feeling gulity which seems stange as i am not the one who is addicted, i keep thinking what and if i could have done anything else. When he did come home why could i just not leave him alone to try and get better, why did i keep questioning him, wanting answers when it clearly was not the right time to ask questions. I wanted him to come home and when he did i questioned him knowing the outcome would be him leaving. I know these feelings will go and i will probably get angry but at the moment i just fell guilt.
It hasnt got to the stage where he owes money as he has an income but at this rate the job wont last and the savings will go and i worry if this happens will i be strong enough to turn him away? i am looking at what hanst happened yet but i cant stop my mid from wondering.
I have spoken to his sister before xmas and she says he is ringing FRANK every few hours and has an appoitment as he has now admitted to his family what has been happeing but i feel sorry for them as if he doesnt stop they are me 12 months ago thinking they can help.
I wish i could get rid of this fear of being on my own but i cant and i knoe if he turned up i would let him in.
Friends dont know as they would be totally shocked not only about the drugs but why i have put up with it so they think everything is fine, they dont even know he has left.
Again thanks for getting back to me.
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
I'm "waiting for the fam to arrive" as the song goes, but not the addict. He is not allowed in this house, so just a brief response to the above.
An interesting phrase is "twelve months ago." You have begun to move through this haven't you? You won't go back. I think it's probably not possible. I know I never could return to six months ago, and how I was behaving then-still thinking I could help. Let hid family get on with what they have to do. Just explain that you love him and continue to hope that he can do this, then look for some peace for yourself.
You feel guilty because you are worn down, have lost your confidence. I'm sure that feeling will disappear over time. My son undermined me by telling me again and again that my emails were bizarre and nonsensical, "preposterous" in fact. I believed him and felt embarrassed at my inadequacy. Yet I have an English degree, taught English at International Baccalaureate level and write for a hobby!!
Madness!
An interesting phrase is "twelve months ago." You have begun to move through this haven't you? You won't go back. I think it's probably not possible. I know I never could return to six months ago, and how I was behaving then-still thinking I could help. Let hid family get on with what they have to do. Just explain that you love him and continue to hope that he can do this, then look for some peace for yourself.
You feel guilty because you are worn down, have lost your confidence. I'm sure that feeling will disappear over time. My son undermined me by telling me again and again that my emails were bizarre and nonsensical, "preposterous" in fact. I believed him and felt embarrassed at my inadequacy. Yet I have an English degree, taught English at International Baccalaureate level and write for a hobby!!
Madness!
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Dear Cally
STOP right there! YOU did nothing wrong. The biggest weapon in the addict's armoury is blame. It is everybody's fault except theirs. Offense is the best form of defense in addict world.
I have said this before and I will say it again. Cocaine is so socially acceptable, particularly in middle class circles, that it takes ages before anyone thinks there is a problem.
I am so sorry that you spent Christmas on your own - it is hard to be with people when your world is falling apart.
You did not cause this and you cannot cure it.
You are right about one thing - you are addicted to him. We are all addicted to our addicts until we say we don't want to be that person anymore. You have been with him for 12 years - it is a hard habit to break and of course you miss him. However, you miss what he was or what you hope he would be - not the ugly being that he has become. Almost all coke addicts progress to crack and unfortunately crack goes hand in hand with heroin to help take the edge off come down. You need to know these things so that he doesn't try to pull the wool over your eyes.
Their depravity knows no bounds. The HOUSE is a trigger???? No, he did that so that he can have access to cash to feed his habit. And when he goes through that he will start on your money. I know of spouses and parents who have bankrupted themselves to enable their addicts.
Recovery, ours and theirs, is a process. Right now, your own recovery is your priority. Like you, I stopped eating, cried constantly and was obsessed with my son when I first found out about his addiction. I honestly do not know how I functioned but every day I went to work - I guess because I had to. But at one point, I had to start looking after me. It is a different dynamic with a child because if anything the instinct to 'do' for them is inbuilt with being a parent.
You must start looking after you - literally taking one step at a time. Anything more is too overwhelming. The first thing to do is know that you did nothing wrong and stop feeling sorry for him. I found that when I allowed myself to dislike my son it was easier to let go. And believe me there is plenty to dislike.
He says he needs to 'do this alone'. No, he needs you out of the way so he can continue to feed his habit without feeling guilty.
There is much very helpful literature on the FA website and to order. If there is a meeting near you, do try to go. You will see it filled with people like you, all affected by the actions of an addicted love one. You will get one on one support. You will not feel so alone or ashamed. You will also see that you cannot afford to lose your job, your home and your money and that you need to be healthy.
Right now, he cannot be your concern. My grandfather always said that you have to look after yourself first because you are no good to yourself or anyone else if you have fallen apart. He will learn to sink or swim by himself.
You will not be able to do this all at once. At first, it really is an hour at a time. When you feel yourself faltering, picture his nose falling apart and him lying in dog mess. I used to picture my son nodding out in his food - it worked a treat. Righteous anger is a wonderful motivator.
Please take care of yourself. We are all here for each other.
G
STOP right there! YOU did nothing wrong. The biggest weapon in the addict's armoury is blame. It is everybody's fault except theirs. Offense is the best form of defense in addict world.
I have said this before and I will say it again. Cocaine is so socially acceptable, particularly in middle class circles, that it takes ages before anyone thinks there is a problem.
I am so sorry that you spent Christmas on your own - it is hard to be with people when your world is falling apart.
You did not cause this and you cannot cure it.
You are right about one thing - you are addicted to him. We are all addicted to our addicts until we say we don't want to be that person anymore. You have been with him for 12 years - it is a hard habit to break and of course you miss him. However, you miss what he was or what you hope he would be - not the ugly being that he has become. Almost all coke addicts progress to crack and unfortunately crack goes hand in hand with heroin to help take the edge off come down. You need to know these things so that he doesn't try to pull the wool over your eyes.
Their depravity knows no bounds. The HOUSE is a trigger???? No, he did that so that he can have access to cash to feed his habit. And when he goes through that he will start on your money. I know of spouses and parents who have bankrupted themselves to enable their addicts.
Recovery, ours and theirs, is a process. Right now, your own recovery is your priority. Like you, I stopped eating, cried constantly and was obsessed with my son when I first found out about his addiction. I honestly do not know how I functioned but every day I went to work - I guess because I had to. But at one point, I had to start looking after me. It is a different dynamic with a child because if anything the instinct to 'do' for them is inbuilt with being a parent.
You must start looking after you - literally taking one step at a time. Anything more is too overwhelming. The first thing to do is know that you did nothing wrong and stop feeling sorry for him. I found that when I allowed myself to dislike my son it was easier to let go. And believe me there is plenty to dislike.
He says he needs to 'do this alone'. No, he needs you out of the way so he can continue to feed his habit without feeling guilty.
There is much very helpful literature on the FA website and to order. If there is a meeting near you, do try to go. You will see it filled with people like you, all affected by the actions of an addicted love one. You will get one on one support. You will not feel so alone or ashamed. You will also see that you cannot afford to lose your job, your home and your money and that you need to be healthy.
Right now, he cannot be your concern. My grandfather always said that you have to look after yourself first because you are no good to yourself or anyone else if you have fallen apart. He will learn to sink or swim by himself.
You will not be able to do this all at once. At first, it really is an hour at a time. When you feel yourself faltering, picture his nose falling apart and him lying in dog mess. I used to picture my son nodding out in his food - it worked a treat. Righteous anger is a wonderful motivator.
Please take care of yourself. We are all here for each other.
G
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Hi Gloria
Thank you so much for your reply.
Logically I know everything you said is true.
I am still seeing him as the person I married and not the person he is today but I know that will change in time.
When we sold the house the man I married would have ploughed the profit into another better house and that is all I can think of at the moment so I take it personally.
I know everyone on the site has had all the feelings I have now and you have been able to get to a place I want to be so I know there is hope just at the moment I feel like I have no hope (not feeling sorry for myself just being honest)
My biggest fear at the moment (I want to be open so that I know I am not going insane) is that he is actually getting help for his addiction and will get better and then will move on with someone else, I should be happy if he really is getting help shouldn't I? Why do I feel so angry?
I am trying to take it hour by hour, the dog has never had so many walks!
I have ready many articles and it seems cocoaine goes hand in hand with other women etc so that is where my mind is wondering now and its taking me to places I don't want to venture but I cant stop myself.
I think if I had a bigger network of friends and family it would help but I haven't so I need to find ways of using my time more productively.
I know what you are saying about cocaine to crack and the amount he uses I think this will be inevitable, when he did it in Feb he wasn't even as bad as now so that tells me he is either already doing it.
Last time we spoke he said work had called him in and they were re-starting his probation period, he had told them he had been off due to a marriage breakdown! He did this in Feb as well with his old company but he told them I was a psycho etc and they believed him, I have since found he has said this in all his jobs, makes people feel sorry for him etc. We work in the same distribution industry so get to know each other and a friend had found out what he had been saying and told me, I emailed the last job and told them the truth as why should my name be blackened? so I have this on my mind aswell!
I nearly emailed his new work but what would this achieve would just give him another excuse but he drives 100 miles a day to his work so he is under the influence which is unfair to other road users.
I am sorry I have just read back what I am posting and I do sound pathetic even to myself but hopefully these feeling are all part of the process.
Thanks for your kind words.x
Thank you so much for your reply.
Logically I know everything you said is true.
I am still seeing him as the person I married and not the person he is today but I know that will change in time.
When we sold the house the man I married would have ploughed the profit into another better house and that is all I can think of at the moment so I take it personally.
I know everyone on the site has had all the feelings I have now and you have been able to get to a place I want to be so I know there is hope just at the moment I feel like I have no hope (not feeling sorry for myself just being honest)
My biggest fear at the moment (I want to be open so that I know I am not going insane) is that he is actually getting help for his addiction and will get better and then will move on with someone else, I should be happy if he really is getting help shouldn't I? Why do I feel so angry?
I am trying to take it hour by hour, the dog has never had so many walks!
I have ready many articles and it seems cocoaine goes hand in hand with other women etc so that is where my mind is wondering now and its taking me to places I don't want to venture but I cant stop myself.
I think if I had a bigger network of friends and family it would help but I haven't so I need to find ways of using my time more productively.
I know what you are saying about cocaine to crack and the amount he uses I think this will be inevitable, when he did it in Feb he wasn't even as bad as now so that tells me he is either already doing it.
Last time we spoke he said work had called him in and they were re-starting his probation period, he had told them he had been off due to a marriage breakdown! He did this in Feb as well with his old company but he told them I was a psycho etc and they believed him, I have since found he has said this in all his jobs, makes people feel sorry for him etc. We work in the same distribution industry so get to know each other and a friend had found out what he had been saying and told me, I emailed the last job and told them the truth as why should my name be blackened? so I have this on my mind aswell!
I nearly emailed his new work but what would this achieve would just give him another excuse but he drives 100 miles a day to his work so he is under the influence which is unfair to other road users.
I am sorry I have just read back what I am posting and I do sound pathetic even to myself but hopefully these feeling are all part of the process.
Thanks for your kind words.x
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Oh Cally, you are not pathetic. He is an addict. It says it all. How do you know an addict is lying? They open their mouths!
It must be so hurtful to find out the lies he has been telling about you - I am so sorry for the hurt that he caused you.
Other women have got to be the least of your worries - what decent woman would want him? As for sex, copious amount of cocaine cause it to shrink to teeny weeny and causes erection problems. You are worried that he will get well and go with somebody else. That you broke him in and somebody else gets to ride him? Believe me, Cally, he is so far from being well that this is a problem in the distant future. He could stop doing coke tomorrow and it will take him some years before he completes recovery. A common misconception is that they are a-ok the day they stop using. No such thing. Heavy drug use causes long term physical and psychological problems. My son is three and a half years into recovery and he is only just getting over the physical and psychological damage.
You must to through the process of feeling the hurt - you can't just dismiss the hurt. I always give my self a few days to feel the full force of my hurt and then try to move past it. It is not always possible particularly when you are in the first stage of shock and despair but you can do it. What you cannot risk is putting your own job in jeopardy so for now maybe just being able to cope with work can be a goal.
Piano, piano as they say in Italian - bit by bit.
G
It must be so hurtful to find out the lies he has been telling about you - I am so sorry for the hurt that he caused you.
Other women have got to be the least of your worries - what decent woman would want him? As for sex, copious amount of cocaine cause it to shrink to teeny weeny and causes erection problems. You are worried that he will get well and go with somebody else. That you broke him in and somebody else gets to ride him? Believe me, Cally, he is so far from being well that this is a problem in the distant future. He could stop doing coke tomorrow and it will take him some years before he completes recovery. A common misconception is that they are a-ok the day they stop using. No such thing. Heavy drug use causes long term physical and psychological problems. My son is three and a half years into recovery and he is only just getting over the physical and psychological damage.
You must to through the process of feeling the hurt - you can't just dismiss the hurt. I always give my self a few days to feel the full force of my hurt and then try to move past it. It is not always possible particularly when you are in the first stage of shock and despair but you can do it. What you cannot risk is putting your own job in jeopardy so for now maybe just being able to cope with work can be a goal.
Piano, piano as they say in Italian - bit by bit.
G
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Hi Gloria
Thanks again for replying.
I have managed to get a cancellation for a one on one with a charity called footsteps, they are for people affected by addiction not for addicts so similar to here, that is tomorrow at 11:15 so I feel a lot more positive, I went about 3 weeks ago but didn't go back but rang them today.
There are no meeting for here near me but I will continue to use this site aswell as even after just 2 days I feel a bit better.
I did something I don't usually do an I work today the HR Manager asked how xmas was and I broke down, told her a few things (not ready to tell anyone else the extent) and she was extremely supportive and offered help if needed and told me not to worry about work just keep doing what I am doing so that was a relief.
I also told a close friend in work (initially she was angry as I didn't say anything sooner and spent xams alone) but was also very supportive.
I feel a little lighter after work today and I am going for a meal with a few friends later tonight so at least not sitting in the house thinking non stop.
As you say bit by bit.
I will update how the session tomorrow goes, I know it wont fix anything but its a start.
Elaine
Thanks again for replying.
I have managed to get a cancellation for a one on one with a charity called footsteps, they are for people affected by addiction not for addicts so similar to here, that is tomorrow at 11:15 so I feel a lot more positive, I went about 3 weeks ago but didn't go back but rang them today.
There are no meeting for here near me but I will continue to use this site aswell as even after just 2 days I feel a bit better.
I did something I don't usually do an I work today the HR Manager asked how xmas was and I broke down, told her a few things (not ready to tell anyone else the extent) and she was extremely supportive and offered help if needed and told me not to worry about work just keep doing what I am doing so that was a relief.
I also told a close friend in work (initially she was angry as I didn't say anything sooner and spent xams alone) but was also very supportive.
I feel a little lighter after work today and I am going for a meal with a few friends later tonight so at least not sitting in the house thinking non stop.
As you say bit by bit.
I will update how the session tomorrow goes, I know it wont fix anything but its a start.
Elaine
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Well done, you!
Piano, piano!
G
Piano, piano!
G
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Hi
Just a quick one.
So my husband has never been interested in social media etc and I am not on facebook, a friend has txt to say he has joined.
He can do what he like obviously but would someone withdrawing (as he says he has stopped and getting help) really be weel enough after 5 days to be wanting to do this?
A lot of reading i have done says they would be just eating and sleeping and trying to repair but to me seems strange.
Probably me just being paranoid i suppose.
Thanks
Elaine
Just a quick one.
So my husband has never been interested in social media etc and I am not on facebook, a friend has txt to say he has joined.
He can do what he like obviously but would someone withdrawing (as he says he has stopped and getting help) really be weel enough after 5 days to be wanting to do this?
A lot of reading i have done says they would be just eating and sleeping and trying to repair but to me seems strange.
Probably me just being paranoid i suppose.
Thanks
Elaine
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Dear Cally
If he was serious social media would be the last thing on his mind. You are not being paranoid.
When my son seriously started recovery it was all hands on deck - all of his efforts were at getting clean. Lots of introspection, lots of soul searching and lots of time alone.
When my son was weaning himself off methadone (which is even harder than coming off heroin) it was a long, painful, painstaking process. Not much energy for social media.
When he was using, FB messenger was invaluable for setting up deals, looking for drugs etc.
Can I also say that he could not just stop doing coke after years and years of doing it. With all the best will in the world it would be impossible to just stop.
I am afraid that it is more BS on his part which is all the more important that you work on your recovery and let him work on his or not as seems to be the case.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I know from experience that we, as addicts to our loved ones, are only too willing to ignore what we know is the truth and believe their lies. I did what you are doing now, checked his social media, phone, timed his trips to the toilet. It is called insanity. I had to stop eventually or really lose my mind.
Stay strong!
G
If he was serious social media would be the last thing on his mind. You are not being paranoid.
When my son seriously started recovery it was all hands on deck - all of his efforts were at getting clean. Lots of introspection, lots of soul searching and lots of time alone.
When my son was weaning himself off methadone (which is even harder than coming off heroin) it was a long, painful, painstaking process. Not much energy for social media.
When he was using, FB messenger was invaluable for setting up deals, looking for drugs etc.
Can I also say that he could not just stop doing coke after years and years of doing it. With all the best will in the world it would be impossible to just stop.
I am afraid that it is more BS on his part which is all the more important that you work on your recovery and let him work on his or not as seems to be the case.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I know from experience that we, as addicts to our loved ones, are only too willing to ignore what we know is the truth and believe their lies. I did what you are doing now, checked his social media, phone, timed his trips to the toilet. It is called insanity. I had to stop eventually or really lose my mind.
Stay strong!
G
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
PS A great FA slogan is 'We help the most when we help the least'. Words to live by!
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Yes! I'm learning all that too. Great progress, Cally. As G says, this is about US. We do not stop loving our addicts but since when did love get them better? Answer-never, or none of these lucky-to-be-loved people would be still using.
My son phoned my husband three times last night after months of no contact, but all it achieved was an upset husband, writing yet another email (though to be fair he said there was no more he could do until son decides to accept help/attempt sobriety), me watching the Torvill and Dean film on my own and me later announcing that if he was going to take phone calls in the house I would be elsewhere.
He has told son no phone calls until committed to sobriety. Progress.
Husband has made the mistake of thinking he could get his son better. He is now doing what we do here, thinking about how WE survive.
Son complained about my implying on Fb that I was sharing info about him on some "website" referring to Famanon, which I mentioned on Mental Health Awareness Day. My Fb posts are all discreet and dignified. I know what I am doing. All my friends react with appropriate responses to my posts. So much of what goes on on social media is vulgar and unrestrained.
Husband in the email spoke SO HIGHLY of the help which I have found on this forum, and told son it was none of his business.
Cally, you keep it up. Try not to be always wondering is your addict genuinely recovering, as you will know when/if he is!
You're in good company here.
Poetry.
My son phoned my husband three times last night after months of no contact, but all it achieved was an upset husband, writing yet another email (though to be fair he said there was no more he could do until son decides to accept help/attempt sobriety), me watching the Torvill and Dean film on my own and me later announcing that if he was going to take phone calls in the house I would be elsewhere.
He has told son no phone calls until committed to sobriety. Progress.
Husband has made the mistake of thinking he could get his son better. He is now doing what we do here, thinking about how WE survive.
Son complained about my implying on Fb that I was sharing info about him on some "website" referring to Famanon, which I mentioned on Mental Health Awareness Day. My Fb posts are all discreet and dignified. I know what I am doing. All my friends react with appropriate responses to my posts. So much of what goes on on social media is vulgar and unrestrained.
Husband in the email spoke SO HIGHLY of the help which I have found on this forum, and told son it was none of his business.
Cally, you keep it up. Try not to be always wondering is your addict genuinely recovering, as you will know when/if he is!
You're in good company here.
Poetry.
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Thanks Gloria
I can tell by the pic (i had a look) that he is definitely still using.
I went to the counselling session earlier which was a help, I just let everything out and he said much what you have said and everything i am feeling is normal at this stage but i need to find a way over the coming weeks to let go or it will consume me.
He said the same that someone who has been doing it for so long will not just stop and by what i have said does not want to stop.
He will probably continue now as he doesn't have the "Nag" and his thinking which he said a lot to me is it is no different than a glass of wine, so someone with that opinion thinks it is normal and i know the friends he is going to re-connect with feel the same so they can all blow their brains up if they want as there is nothing i can do about it.
The anger is creeping in and i suppose that is now the next stage??
The insanity you talk about i am in the middle of right now and I need to stop as I know its not doing me any good.
I have no plans this weekend so I will set myself little tasks to do to keep my mind clear.
He will have his family now believing him about the lies he has told and they will be convincing him to get in touch with old friends and move on etc, what they don't understand is that they are enabling him as he will take anything they say as a green light and think this is great i can do what i want now.
Let them deal with the aftermath in a few months.
Thanks Poetry you are right, the wondering is killing me but i dont know anything about him so making things up in my head then getting upset about things that are not even factual.
Arghhhhhhhh this has to get better!!
Thanks all for responding.x
I can tell by the pic (i had a look) that he is definitely still using.
I went to the counselling session earlier which was a help, I just let everything out and he said much what you have said and everything i am feeling is normal at this stage but i need to find a way over the coming weeks to let go or it will consume me.
He said the same that someone who has been doing it for so long will not just stop and by what i have said does not want to stop.
He will probably continue now as he doesn't have the "Nag" and his thinking which he said a lot to me is it is no different than a glass of wine, so someone with that opinion thinks it is normal and i know the friends he is going to re-connect with feel the same so they can all blow their brains up if they want as there is nothing i can do about it.
The anger is creeping in and i suppose that is now the next stage??
The insanity you talk about i am in the middle of right now and I need to stop as I know its not doing me any good.
I have no plans this weekend so I will set myself little tasks to do to keep my mind clear.
He will have his family now believing him about the lies he has told and they will be convincing him to get in touch with old friends and move on etc, what they don't understand is that they are enabling him as he will take anything they say as a green light and think this is great i can do what i want now.
Let them deal with the aftermath in a few months.
Thanks Poetry you are right, the wondering is killing me but i dont know anything about him so making things up in my head then getting upset about things that are not even factual.
Arghhhhhhhh this has to get better!!
Thanks all for responding.x
Re: Spent Chritmas on my own, hysband is a cocoaine addict
Cally, it WILL get better, if you persevere. It doesn't seem like it now.
Let go and Let God, however you conceive of the meaning of that word.
Love, Poetry.
Let go and Let God, however you conceive of the meaning of that word.
Love, Poetry.