PTSD

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gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

PTSD

Post by gloria1953 »

It is worrying that even 3 1/2 years into my son's recovery I can be triggered into a state of anxiey and I do wonder if it is a form of PTSD. A noise from his room or lack of, a difference in his tone of voice can set me off. I have also become intensely claustrophobic. I saw an ad for one of those ice hotels in Finland and went nuts because there were no windows. Even thinking about the eaves in my attic can set me off.

I guess his ketamine lapse a couple of weeks ago has played a part but it really brings to the fore that addiction is a life sentence. I don't think you are ever the same person again. Anxiety was a problem for me way before his addiction and right now it is off the charts. As Poetry was saying, the effect on your health is really detrimental. Ugh. Not good.
Lavender
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2018 8:18 pm

Re: PTSD

Post by Lavender »

Hi gloria, I'm sure you are right about ptsd, I feel like I am fighting against my anxiety.sometimes I have panic attacks...usually in supermarkets!
Maybe part of the problem is that we can't talk about it....apart from on here.
Just be kind to your self and think of things to do that make you happy, it's the little things in life. After all the shit we have been through we deserve to indulge our selves!
Sending you a big hug and thankyou for all the support you have given me xxx
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: PTSD

Post by LM66 »

Hi Gals

Totally agree G. It most certainly is a form of PTSD. I tend to think it will never completely disappear, but we get better at coping with it. Even then, some days can be hellish.
Big hugs G. It will pass.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
comfort blanket
Posts: 41
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:59 am

Re: PTSD

Post by comfort blanket »

Hi ladies
I totally agree with the PTSD and anxiety thoughts xx I now suffer with chronic anxiety and take medication for it - this is new for me and ties in with the problems of my ALO. For me, the anxiety is like somebody has opened an anxiety door and I cannot shut it again !!! The PTSD is every time he phones - my heart still skips a beat and I debate whether to answer …….
I am sure I speak for all of us when I say that we are totally different people to the ones we were before. I know I am and I know we all evolve throughout our lives but dealing with this, well, it takes some doing it really does. I also know that without this forum, I would not be coping well at all so thank you each and every one of you xx
Poetry
Posts: 1348
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: PTSD

Post by Poetry »

I agree with everyone who has posted in response to Gloria and Gloria, it might be of some comfort to know that we understand.

Fear has terrible effects on our bodies, minds and spirits, not so much at the time we are suffering but usually later, hence "post traumatic," and if your son got sick with drugs in the family home, that will make it forever afterwards (SO sadly) a place in which at times you feel uneasy, or afraid.

Like Comfortblanket, if my husband's phone sounds, (even though he has changed the ring tone since the VERY terrible phone calls around June/July, I tremble, heart races, and if am halfway through a sandwich, I can't finish it. It is never my son nowadays. He is ignoring us, but the fear leaps into being.

In July I think it was, we were at a big shopping centre making for home after our addicted son had failed to rendezvous with us. Husband was taking something to the car and I was waiting, as we were going to get a snack. I had missed call from my middle son. I went into a total panic and phoned back, thinking something awful had happened, but all was well. When husband returned I was weeping.

My youngest went out for a walk Christmas Eve. I watched him to the end of the road. I did not expect to see him again, even though there was no earthly reason he would not come back. I live with Fear.

It's understanding it which is half the battle I think.

Yes, the companionship on here sustains me, so goodnight everyone and love, Poetry.
Marelli2
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: PTSD

Post by Marelli2 »

However hard we try to take 'one day at a time' there's always the fear, isn't there? We're always on the alert.... and however hard I try - and however hard I pretend - I don't think I'll ever shake off that fear.
I can be enjoying a meal, then my phone goes and if it's a 'problem' with my son it's as if a door slams shut - I feel ill and the food has to be thrown away.
I'm wary of putting this into words, but I must, because it's giving me hope. This time of the year, more than any other has been when there have been major 'kick-offs' . This year however, things have been OK. My son seems to have been reflecting and looking back at what good friendships he has, and how supportive these friends have been when he's been at his worst. These friends have stayed in touch with him over Xmas and New Year and he says it's made him realise what he means to them, too, and just how tenuous life is. Some of his friends have lost parents during the year, and his dad has had major surgery. He goes back to work today after the holiday. I was really worried when he broke up just before Xmas that it was all going to be horrendous like every other year. It hasn't been. He may have been merely paying lip-service when he's spoken about his reflections but at present I am going to take a day at a time and be grateful for this peace.
Sending love and understanding to all who are fearful today. Xx
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: PTSD

Post by gloria1953 »

I am afraid that I was right about my fears. He did do coke and drink on Friday night and the after effects are continuing way into today. He did not eat for two days and slept most of Saturday and came home from work early on Sunday to sleep some more. He thinks that because it is not heroin I should be okay with it. He does not seem to understand how seeing this triggers off every anxiety that I have. I am not saying that he does it a lot but in recovery he should not be doing Class A drugs at all even if it is once in a blue moon. He has always been nasty on the comedown from coke and this time was no different. His tirade against me started last night and has continued on to this morning. He has said the most abusive, ugly things to me, told me that I was a terrible mother, that I beat him him (I used corporal punishment less than a handful of times in his life, I am not proud of it and I apologised many times). said I was a manic depressive (I'm not) he blamed his problems on me and said that I should just get over it. Get over it? Get over him nodding out into his food? Get over the fear of every time I heard a car door slam running to the window in a panic thinking it was the police telling me was dead? Get over the fear and disgust of finding needles on the floor? Get over having to call out to him a dozen times before I got a response and the pit of fear in my stomach? Get over having the police in my home? Get over the stink and smell of his room? Get over the horrible feeling when I found money and jewelry missing? If only I could! Does he really think I want to feel this way? My husband is playing Pontius Pilate and acting like it is nothing to do with him. My husband was during much of our marriage nasty and abusive as well as violent but he is the saint while I am the devil.

I told him I wanted him out of the house but he refuses to leave so now I can't even be in my own house without having to suffer his abuse. He had the nerve to say that he was done with me. After all that I have put up with and done for him I have been screamed at, threatened and abused last night and today. I was late for work today because I had no sleep but even when I woke up the tirade continued. I should not have responded but I am only human and of course react when somebody is being so vile to me. I can barely function right now. Sometimes I really do feel that death would be a better option.
Poetry
Posts: 1348
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: PTSD

Post by Poetry »

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I will write more soon, but for now, there is little you can do except get through this one day, desperate as you feel.

How utterly appalling. We know the abuse which addicts engage in. There is no advice, as advice seems inappropriate in such circumstances.

Sending you MUCH love and fellow feeling.
Poetry.
Marelli2
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:49 pm

Re: PTSD

Post by Marelli2 »

Gloria, you must be sick to the stomach, and it seems like there is just no end to this awful, awful nightmare. Are you completely on your own with this at home? His father has backed right off, obviously, but are you living on your own with your son and having to deal with it by yourself? Sorry to be absolutely no help whatsoever, Gloria. I'd like to think that you can feel our support, nevertheless. As Poetry says, to offer advice at a time like this is totally inappropriate. Sending you love and hope that today is a better day for you. Xx
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: PTSD

Post by gloria1953 »

Thank you ladies for your kind words and they mean the world to me.

Marelli, we all live together but my husband relishes any opportunity to have one over on me. Although he was also in line for abuse it was nothing near what I received and it never is even though my son and I have always had a much closer relationship. It seems as if he is afraid to offend his father although there has been fistacuffs between them them on several occasions.

My son also smokes weed - I have mixed feelings about that as I would prefer if he were totally sober though it has not been a problem until now. He is now using liquid weed which is much stronger than smoking it and I have deep misgivings about having to use any crutch at all. He of course brings up my three times a week aperitif of vermouth and equates it to the same thing when it is clearly not.

I am so exhausted from the emotion of it all as well as lack of sleep. Addiction is indeed a life sentence even when they are in recovery.
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