Will my son ever stop

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Betty59
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 2:56 pm

Will my son ever stop

Post by Betty59 »

Hi everyone this is my first post my son has been using drugs for about 20 years now weed.was the starting point then heroin,, cocaine,,, crack. There have been times i thought he was going to come off it all but never happened. Hes lost his job and his girlfriend We are at the point now where his brothers and sisters have had enough of his.lies. His crying asking for money for electric or food.
I cry just thinking of the whole situation. Police involved on numerous occasions for him either stealing or being in posession of drugs .Hes so thin and gaunt. He has said he will kill himself a few times .I have tried everything to help him but i know only he can help himself. I dont know if he will ever be drug free its so hard to not give in to him when he asks for money but i will not give anything now in fact i tried calling him couple of wks ago but no answer his sister has spoke yo him he says he cant speak to me as he feels ashamed of things hes done lately. He breaks my heart.
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Will my son ever stop

Post by gloria1953 »

Dear Betty

I can, as can everyone here, relate to your feeling of utter despair. We have all been heartbroken at the actions of our addicted loved ones. As parents this was not what we had in mind when we gave birth to them. You are mourning, as we have all done, for hopes and dreams that we had for our children which have been shattered.

The sea change sounds like it is already happening inasmuch as you and your other children are no longer willing to be manipulated by him. This is a good thing as you have realised like we have all had to realise that as long as we give into them we are standing in the way of their recovery. Our 'largesse' is actually killing them.

It sounds as if your son has realised that he has come to the end of the road as far as his loved ones are concerned and this can only be a good thing.

My son too started on weed as an early teenager (I did not know this at the time) and graduated to crack and heroin by his mid 20's. How he managed to go to university and get a good degree is anybody's guess. Although he was addicted to heroin for less than a year, his recovery took 3x longer. This autumn he is 4 years clean from heroin. It is a long hard road but it IS possible but it is only possible when the addict realises that 'he doesn't want to be that guy any more'. All the cajoling, threats, enabling, begging etc from loved ones will not do the trick.

I used to think that by buying him a ticket for the train for some so-called 'appointment' was being smart but the joke was on me. I'd buy the ticket, he'd sell the ticket and buy drugs so the policy has to be no money for any 'reason' whatsoever. The next time you feel yourself giving into his begging for money think how you would feel if it was that money that you gave him was responsible for his death. That did the trick for me.

Stay strong - we are all here for one another.

G
Betty59
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 2:56 pm

Re: Will my son ever stop

Post by Betty59 »

Thankyou gloria 1953 i am so pleased your son is doing good now . Only people that have been through or are going through this nightmare know how it makes us feel .I live in a small town most people know me or my family i feel as tho they are talking about me or my son especially lately i try not to get into conversation about him i have took time off work just because i cant deal with whats going on i dread anyone knocking at my door allways fearing bad news
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Will my son ever stop

Post by LM66 »

Hi Betty

It's so hard isn't it. My son is also my addict. I've had all the same heartaches you speak off.
It took time, but once I truly accepted that there was nothing I could do to help my son, life started to become easier. Little steps at a time.
Removing the focus from the addict and directing that towards ourselves and other positive people and things in our life, does make a difference.
I can't change my son, only myself. I realised it was a sink or swim situation, and I started paddling for dear life. It makes no sense, to sacrifice ourselfs for someone who doesn't want to change.
Please take good care of yourself.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Will my son ever stop

Post by gloria1953 »

Dear Betty

You know, until this day, I still get jumpy when I hear a car door slam as I used to think it was the police coming to tell me my son was dead.

And yes, shame is a huge problems for families of addicts. After fear, that was my overriding emotion. I shut myself off from a lot of people and to this day no more than a handful people know about my son. There are others who let it all hang out and that's fine if it works for them but it didn't for me.

Having said that, addiction is FAR more prevalent than you think. I used to go to FA meetings in a very upmarket part of town and I can tell you that addiction spares nobody.

Stay strong!

G
Betty59
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 2:56 pm

Re: Will my son ever stop

Post by Betty59 »

Thankyou all for replies i am staying strong its the only way i have left now .
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