Filled with fear about my son

[Jess42]

Hi everyone

I have joined this group today, as I have reached the point of feeling utterly alone and frightened to death my son will either take his own life or die of drugs. I just need some support to cope.
My son is 24 and has been abusing drugs since the age of 17. He mixes copious amounts of cocaine, alchohol and benzodiazepines. He has a borderline personality, so I never know or can see the signs when he will disappear for days on a drug fuelled binge. His dad was a crack cocaine addict (we separated when my son was 4). He hung himself last June and my son has being really struggling. He has been through a life time of trauma, starting from the moment he was born when i couldn't bond with him, I was 17 and vulnerable with my own mental health problems. I have been repairing the damage for years. His dad let him down throughout his life and stole thousands of pounds off him.
Yesterday my son lost his job after not turning in to work. I spend days trying to find him and can't rest until I know he is safe and at home. He tells me he doesn't want to be alive anymore, there is a deadness in his eyes that scares me.
My heart is breaking and I feel physically sick, constantly worrying he will die! I know no body can make this better, I am just destraught

[gloria1953]

Dear Jess

I am so very sorry about your son and his struggles. As a mother of a recovering addict I know only too well of the anxiety and anguish that you are suffering.

Cocaine is the worst thing that a person with mental health problems should be doing as the down afterward is so devastating. Is there any way that he will see a mental health professional? Or attend drug treatment services? As you know, these things will only work if the addict is willing to engage with the services. He sounds as if he is on the edge and now could very well be the time that he agrees to engage. Of course it will be daunting for him as there is clearly so much work to do but even a start would be a great thing. Your son is self-medicating to deal with his mental health problems and this is a double edged sword.

We are helpless in the face of their addiction which is the worst thing for a parent who feels responsible and of course wants to fix things for their child. If only we could! I am sure that we would all willingly give our own lives to do so.

I wish I could tell you not to worry and to 'let go' - but that would clearly be an insult to you. How could you not worry?

Does your son have any sober friends who might be able to help you with this? While my son had friends that he used with he also had a great many sober friend who supported him through his struggles.

Please let us know when you locate your son.

Take care, my dear.

G

[LM66]

Hi Jess
My son is also my addict. I can relate to everything you have said - I think all parents on here can.
It is a horrendous feeling, when you are filled with fear, of all the "what ifs" - I remember it well. Through time, I learned to step back, as nothing I did to try and help him, made any difference.
At present, he is waiting to go to court and will most likely get a sentence.
Please try and get support for yourself Jess. You will go insane if you stay on the path you're on. It's not easy, and takes daily work on yourself, and having to sit on your hands during some tough situations - but it gave me my life back. Like you, I worried constantly and couldn't function. It's no way to live.

Much Love
L x