Update

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gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Update

Post by gloria1953 »

It seems that my son is due to be in the hospital until the end of the month and while that gives me some breathing space I am still not in a good way. I do have some good hours but really every day my heart is heavy and the familiar pit in my stomach feeling has returned. My son is of course furious that he has to stay and even now the visits from his friends are happening less often which is of course how it should be. Six weeks is a long time and it is not as if this was cancer or a serious accident. He brought this on himself.

I am trying my best to take one day at a time and not catastrophise but there are days when I just think that he will keep relapsing. I try to tell myself that relapse is part of the process and that surely he will learn from this dreadful experience but right now I feel too worn down to summon up the energy to keep this thought going. I know you will all know that feeling where your heart actually hurts. We are due to go on holiday next week and I only hope that once I get to that departure lounge this oppressive dread will lift.

His business associate and friend is actually coming here on Monday to clean his room and repaint the wall which was spattered with blood as he tried to find a vein. He was so appalled when he saw the room that he is actually taking time from his busy life to do this. Part of me wants to tell him that he shouldn't do it and allow my son to see what he created but I really can't bear the thought of that hovel in my home. His room even as a child was a pigsty but this has reached new lows.

This same friend also was bullsh..ted and lied to in the three weeks leading to this crisis and he too feels betrayed and let down. I am also furious at the friends that knew what was going on and probably even did the coke with him. I am also angry because he ruined my birthday and ruined my summer and really at the age of 66 how many summers do I really have left to enjoy while I am still healthy enough to enjoy it.

As usual this has caused a rift with my husband - he has not spoken to our son since this happened and his feeling is that he will never stop using drugs. He almost takes a delight in saying this so this debilitates me even further. He has clearly given up on him and it makes me wonder if I should too.

Meanwhile I have not missed a day of work, I have kept on keeping on and yet I have to deal with people in my job who use any excuse not to work and expect the State to look after them and to be bountiful. Some of them 'are too depressed' or 'too anxious' to work. Really? And yet I drag my tired old carcass on to the bus and tube every day, put in my 8 hours listening to their crap, while my heart aches and the pit in my stomach grows ever deeper.

I want to scream and shake my son for this but I will be told that I am negative and impeding his recovery with my negativity. With addicts it is all about them.
Joyce2018
Posts: 117
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 11:46 pm

Re: Update

Post by Joyce2018 »

Dear Gloria

How I empathise with you on all you say.

To wake everyday knowing this is in our lives is surely a life sentence .

It’s good to know that your son is on the mend but of course you fear that he will relapse. This is all part of the journey we are on with our addicts, but I want it to stop, the same as you and all these lovely people who are struggling with this awful life.

My own son has now been unemployed, again , for 2 weeks. I live in fear of hearing from him, but equally I want to know he is ok. This will never happen.

I do hope you get away and find some peace whilst away. You deserve it.

Do take care and sending you big hugs today

Joyce
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Update

Post by gloria1953 »

Unfortunately I need to cut off contact with my son for now. Despite all I have done to try and help him he is rude and disrespectful to me. I am sitting in my office sobbing my heart out after his utter rudeness on the phone. I have texted to tell him not to call me until he can speak to me with respect (and I do not consider to be told to 'shut the f..k up' to be respectful). Even without having done a drug in over a month he still has a lousy attitude so I really do not hold out much hope for his recovery.
Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: Update

Post by Paulette »

Gloria this is so sad and terrible for you. You are doing the right thing. He can't treat you so badly - it's just not on and you've done nothing to deserve it.
I'm exactly the same age as you so I really empathise with you wanting to enjoy your life while you can. And yet those feelings don't go away. At times I have managed to focus on just one or two tiny things a day that bring pleasure - a bird chirping in my garden, or the smell of a flower. But I can't always manage it.
It sounds like your husband is dealing with it all in his own way. I think men can find it easier just to cut off rather than risk further hurt and distress, but for a mother, it's pretty impossible.
I hope you get a good break.
Sending love
Px
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Update

Post by LM66 »

Hi G

As hard as it is, sometimes it's necessary for a while. I had to do that with my son too. I got pig sick of being in the firing line all the time. We have to take care of our own mind and body, so yes, give yourself a break from it. It may also show your son that you are not prepared to accept the unacceptable any more. Enough is enough. It may not change him, but it will protect you and your sanity.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Primrose
Posts: 76
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:28 am

Re: Update

Post by Primrose »

Hi Gloria
I haven't posted for some time but have occasionally dipped in and out (trying to keep sane with my own family situation), but I know all who've been following your ups and downs will be with you in spirit and with empathy. It must be so difficult to keep tackling the everyday essentials and trying to keep the emotions from welling up and overwhelming you. Detaching and self-preservation sound just what you should do....but you're his mum and always will be no matter what happens. A day at a time is all we can expect to manage sometimes. I hope when you go on holiday you can enjoy new surroundings, people and peace. Like you, I imagine, I often wonder how on earth all this happened - almost seems like a bad dream. Wishing you strength in the days ahead and a renewed sense of just how precious you are.
Primrose x
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Update

Post by Poetry »

Gloria, I hope you feel a little bit consoled by all the lovely messages above.You have been so very courageous and so utterly loving towards your son. How you have been able to live with the knowledge of what there is in his room I do not know. Bless you. I hope that you will be able to get to the stage at which you will no longer accept the intolerable.

Thinking of Paulette's point about trying to enjoy something of beauty every day focused me on how we are in touch with what is Good, and yet our lives get invaded by Evil. We need to keep fighting, but we are so weary. Sending you all some fresh spiritual armour! Love, Poetry.
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Update

Post by gloria1953 »

Thank you, ladies for all your kind comments and support.

Something my cousin who is a shrink that specialises in addiction issues has daunted me and comforted me at the same time. He reiterated what I guess I really knew - that after the using stops it takes years to change behaviours that have taken hold and that this and relapse is part of this process. Daunted because after five years of coping with his addiction and recovery I really am running on empty. As much as the holiday will be welcome it will certainly not recharge batteries which have been drained for five years. It will also not stop me worrying about his physical health.

He is now halfway through his treatment and although much improved the infection is not completely gone. Some remains in one of his heart valves. We have not been to see him at his request because he said that he can't deal with our reaction. I am glad about this because quite honestly I can't deal with it and I know it. So this will be a pall on any enjoyment that I do have. I wish it were otherwise.

Anyway thank you again for all your love and support.
maxipoltock
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:10 pm

Re: Update

Post by maxipoltock »

Hi Gloria
I have been reading through the lots of letters you have been putting on here. I do empathise with you totally. So much you have said is a mirror image of my feelings too. My son keeps turning up at his dads (in London as I live 50 miles away). He should not be doing this as he went to court on 3rd june and was ordered not to speak to his dad or turn up at his house, but my son has broken this lots of times up till now. As far as I am aware he went to his dads yesterday and his dad told me he seemed okay and was talking normally! He ate and slept and last and told his dad that he had been to the doctors and he would not take drugs anymore!!. he so wanted to belive him. After he had slept his dad was so dissappointed as my son had obviousy taken "something"? and he said that his eyes and facial expression changed so quickly and he started walking around talking to himself. My ex husband was so upset and i really do feel for him. He knows that he shouldn"t let him back in, but he just can't turn him away. I said that I do not want to talk to my son until he goes to his doctor and starts to go on to a recovery plan etc. I am feeling so sad knowing that our son is destroying his health and life by doing whatever he is "doing". He is due in court on 10th sept but even he doesn't know what it is for, but I don't think he will even turn up!
Today i started off crying when having my coffee in my sommerhouse. Feelings of sadness, fear, helplessness, was this the start of a breakdown? but then feeling so angry with my son that I just wanted to scream out to him and smack him into next week to let him know what a fool he is being and what enormous hurt he is causing us. We do not deserve any of this, but we do love him so much but hate what he has become. My son must still be in there somewhere? . I am not enabling him in any way shape or form, but by his dad letting him in his house and feeding him he is enabling him and I don't think he will fully be able to stop doing that. I said that he has obviuosly got drugs in his house as he took something yesterday, but i feel like i am banging my head against the wall as i cannot get through to his dad. I wonder what type of drug/s would he have taken to become so different in just a few seconds? His dad couldn't believe his eyes, but I said that is drugs for you! It truly is frightening.
I am just having a tearful day today but will put myself back together again as usual and try to put everything back into perspective yet again.
Love and hugs to you X
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Update

Post by gloria1953 »

I am so sorry Maxi - it seems a revolving door when it comes to drugs. I believe that they believe when they say they want to stop but the road it hell is paved with good intentions.

It is so hard to turn them away so I can understand why your ex -husband does what he does.

I sometimes think it is better to feel righteous anger as it gives you the strength not to enable or to unduly worry.

I had a cry today myself - it is par for the course my dear.

Take care.
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