22 years of Abuse
22 years of Abuse
There is nothing I can tell you right? There are things we know and have seen and heartache that we have experienced that no person really should.
Last edited by SJo on Wed Feb 10, 2021 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Dear SJo
I'm so sorry you are feeling so wretched. We are here for you on this forum.
I'm the parent of a drug user. He's currently in prison as a result of a crime spree he did to get money to buy drugs - after his Dad and I refused to keep funding him. He's 37 and this has gone on for years and years. I've slowly started to realise that all the normal rules of family don't apply to drug users because we end up just enabling them. They have to face the consequences of their choices and actions. But it has taken me many years to grasp that, and this is the 3rd time he's been in prison. I so wanted to believe his lies, to give him yet another chance, to show him that I love him and would support him. But it has to be tough love.
Have a read of the posts on this forum - it has really helped me to read them and to realise that I'm not alone with this. Because being the parent (or sibling) of a user is very isolating. I find it impossible to confide in people, or even to talk about my son, because people offer ridiculous suggestions and platitudes. They want to fix the problem. But they can't. I can't. You can't. Only he can and only if he wants to.
Take care
Sending love and hugs
Paulette
I'm so sorry you are feeling so wretched. We are here for you on this forum.
I'm the parent of a drug user. He's currently in prison as a result of a crime spree he did to get money to buy drugs - after his Dad and I refused to keep funding him. He's 37 and this has gone on for years and years. I've slowly started to realise that all the normal rules of family don't apply to drug users because we end up just enabling them. They have to face the consequences of their choices and actions. But it has taken me many years to grasp that, and this is the 3rd time he's been in prison. I so wanted to believe his lies, to give him yet another chance, to show him that I love him and would support him. But it has to be tough love.
Have a read of the posts on this forum - it has really helped me to read them and to realise that I'm not alone with this. Because being the parent (or sibling) of a user is very isolating. I find it impossible to confide in people, or even to talk about my son, because people offer ridiculous suggestions and platitudes. They want to fix the problem. But they can't. I can't. You can't. Only he can and only if he wants to.
Take care
Sending love and hugs
Paulette
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Hello!
Welcome to FA. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing. I've been there! This program was the best thing I found when I was facing similar issues to you with my son. I still rely on the FA messages to this day.
I wish I could say that the solution is A B or C, then the magic wand will do its job and the problem will be solved! Oh, I wish!
Sadly not, but I have learned that there is much that I CAN do to make the situation better, but it hasn't been easy.
No advice as such I'm afraid. That's not the suggested way in FA. We all have to do what we are most comfortable with in any personal situation. That may be different for individuals depending their personal circumstances.
However, I can share with you my experience with my adult, I repeat ADULT addict son. I have had to ask myself some very difficult questions surrounding his behaviour. Questions like
"Are my actions those of a responsible person?"
" Am I condoning his behaviour by not applying Tough Love?" (There's a great FA booklet with that title on the main FA website in the online shop!)
"Am I accepting unacceptable behaviour?" If so, I am saying in effect that's it's ok! Carry on doing what you're doing! I don't mind!
"Am I offering financial support that is inappropriate? Is any debt really mine to pay?"
"Am I allowing my fear of the "What Ifs" to influence my decisions?"
"Am I neglecting my other loved ones feelings and needs in all this?"
" Have any of my previous decisions had any positive outcomes? If not, is it part of the madness to continue doing A B or C and expecting a different outcome?"
I could go on and on. The FA program is all about us. How do I feel? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a responsible (parent, partner, sibling, whatever) . I certainly wasn't being a responsible parent for years when I continued to enable my son to continue making poor choices by failing to impose consequences when my boundaries were ignored: when I emotionally neglected my other child in favour of the addicted one: when I let opportunities for change pass by because I was afraid that A B or C might happen, when A B or C could have been the wake up call he needed.
Again, I could go on and on, but I guess you get the drift.
This process of negotiating the path through having an addicted loved one has, in all truth, been the hardest challenge that life has thrown at me. No one says this program is easy. No pain, no gain!
I will be forever grateful for finding this program. It has enabled me to face myself, my own behaviours and fears. I didn't like what I saw!
I hope something I have shared may help you see some light in the darkness. What I haven't mentioned is the crucial aspect of handing over our fears to whatever speaks to us as a Higher Power. Whatever that is for you! Whatever floats your boat!
An FA atheist friend saw her Higher Power as the power of love and support that she gained from her FA group.
I would say that whatever feels right for you, trust in that power. Your son, too, will have his HP. I used to find comfort in trusting in that too, when I feared for my son's future.
If anything I have said speaks to you, I am glad. If not, simply let it go! Just forget what you cannot accept!
Thinking of you, and sending you wisdom and strength.
Keep Coming Back here. This program works, if you work it!
Wlitf
Bette
Welcome to FA. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing. I've been there! This program was the best thing I found when I was facing similar issues to you with my son. I still rely on the FA messages to this day.
I wish I could say that the solution is A B or C, then the magic wand will do its job and the problem will be solved! Oh, I wish!
Sadly not, but I have learned that there is much that I CAN do to make the situation better, but it hasn't been easy.
No advice as such I'm afraid. That's not the suggested way in FA. We all have to do what we are most comfortable with in any personal situation. That may be different for individuals depending their personal circumstances.
However, I can share with you my experience with my adult, I repeat ADULT addict son. I have had to ask myself some very difficult questions surrounding his behaviour. Questions like
"Are my actions those of a responsible person?"
" Am I condoning his behaviour by not applying Tough Love?" (There's a great FA booklet with that title on the main FA website in the online shop!)
"Am I accepting unacceptable behaviour?" If so, I am saying in effect that's it's ok! Carry on doing what you're doing! I don't mind!
"Am I offering financial support that is inappropriate? Is any debt really mine to pay?"
"Am I allowing my fear of the "What Ifs" to influence my decisions?"
"Am I neglecting my other loved ones feelings and needs in all this?"
" Have any of my previous decisions had any positive outcomes? If not, is it part of the madness to continue doing A B or C and expecting a different outcome?"
I could go on and on. The FA program is all about us. How do I feel? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a responsible (parent, partner, sibling, whatever) . I certainly wasn't being a responsible parent for years when I continued to enable my son to continue making poor choices by failing to impose consequences when my boundaries were ignored: when I emotionally neglected my other child in favour of the addicted one: when I let opportunities for change pass by because I was afraid that A B or C might happen, when A B or C could have been the wake up call he needed.
Again, I could go on and on, but I guess you get the drift.
This process of negotiating the path through having an addicted loved one has, in all truth, been the hardest challenge that life has thrown at me. No one says this program is easy. No pain, no gain!
I will be forever grateful for finding this program. It has enabled me to face myself, my own behaviours and fears. I didn't like what I saw!
I hope something I have shared may help you see some light in the darkness. What I haven't mentioned is the crucial aspect of handing over our fears to whatever speaks to us as a Higher Power. Whatever that is for you! Whatever floats your boat!
An FA atheist friend saw her Higher Power as the power of love and support that she gained from her FA group.
I would say that whatever feels right for you, trust in that power. Your son, too, will have his HP. I used to find comfort in trusting in that too, when I feared for my son's future.
If anything I have said speaks to you, I am glad. If not, simply let it go! Just forget what you cannot accept!
Thinking of you, and sending you wisdom and strength.
Keep Coming Back here. This program works, if you work it!
Wlitf
Bette
Re: 22 years of Abuse
So sad to read your painful post. Nothing anyone writes on here surprises anyone else though. I have been (lucky?!) enough to be able to put physical distance between me and my addict son, and in any case he has done all he can to convince me he has contempt and resentful towrds me, and I have put my foot down about money-never another penny into his hand, though if he were totally destitute my husband and I would probably find him shelter for two weeks while he found his own accommodation, but that's it; we can't see him die on the streets.
However, the pain never subsides,even though I feel kind of in control. We all have this emotional and mental pain. What they have done to us is horrific.
The points above should help you to try to reach acceptance and to begin to let go with love. You say you are dead, destroyed. I identify. My physical health is not good, and was made much worse in 2018 by my son. We should tend the life we still have within us. Don't let their choice for drugs win. Sending love. PF
However, the pain never subsides,even though I feel kind of in control. We all have this emotional and mental pain. What they have done to us is horrific.
The points above should help you to try to reach acceptance and to begin to let go with love. You say you are dead, destroyed. I identify. My physical health is not good, and was made much worse in 2018 by my son. We should tend the life we still have within us. Don't let their choice for drugs win. Sending love. PF
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Dear SJo
My son is my addict. 25 years old, and currently in prison.
Your post came from your heart, and I felt it.
I am so sad for your situation. Addiction is so destructive. I had to evict my son from our family home, and that almost broke me.
Same story as most folks, abusive and manipulative behaviour, asking for money, numerous flats, accomodation - all goes up in the air.
I came to the point where I accepted that I couldn't help him until he wanted to help himself. We have to protect ourselves any way we can, or we go down the plughole with them.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of loving vibes.
Don't give up on YOU, SJo!
Much Love
L x
My son is my addict. 25 years old, and currently in prison.
Your post came from your heart, and I felt it.
I am so sad for your situation. Addiction is so destructive. I had to evict my son from our family home, and that almost broke me.
Same story as most folks, abusive and manipulative behaviour, asking for money, numerous flats, accomodation - all goes up in the air.
I came to the point where I accepted that I couldn't help him until he wanted to help himself. We have to protect ourselves any way we can, or we go down the plughole with them.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of loving vibes.
Don't give up on YOU, SJo!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Thank you for all the lovely replies - I'm so tired of this cycle.
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Dear Sjo, that is so powerful and so, so sad. As someone already said, clearly comes from the heart. I'm in tears reading it, and those words towards the end of your post, "longing for a glimmer of the boy you used to be"....how often I've felt that longing, longing and grieving for the daughter we used to have, prior to addictions. Sending hugs x
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Re: 22 years of Abuse
Hi Sjo
We can all feel the pain and anguish of every word that you have wrote. I have a very similar situation to LM66 - oldest son, 25, threw him out after years of manipulation, lies, deceit and generally making our life hell through no fault of our own (despite his protestations)
My son is currently living in a houseshare which is awful but he has got a roof over his head and he is there through his own actions. It is awful that they drag us into their lives and create a misery bubble that we cannot escape from but none of this is your fault. You will find an enormous amount of strength and love on this forum - there are times I think this forum has saved my life - certainly my sanity !!!
Well done for reaching out - we are all here for you, and can relate to all you are saying xx
Take care and keep posting xxx
We can all feel the pain and anguish of every word that you have wrote. I have a very similar situation to LM66 - oldest son, 25, threw him out after years of manipulation, lies, deceit and generally making our life hell through no fault of our own (despite his protestations)
My son is currently living in a houseshare which is awful but he has got a roof over his head and he is there through his own actions. It is awful that they drag us into their lives and create a misery bubble that we cannot escape from but none of this is your fault. You will find an enormous amount of strength and love on this forum - there are times I think this forum has saved my life - certainly my sanity !!!
Well done for reaching out - we are all here for you, and can relate to all you are saying xx
Take care and keep posting xxx
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Thank you everyone. He has been in a programme and getting daily meds spoonfed from chemist since November.
Still blames everyone except himself as can't see what his using has done. Maybe that's his way of coping?? denial.
Today I paid off his overdraft and got him to close it, so no debt and put £100 on electric to make life a bit easier, probably through guilt that our parents have passed and the below things;
Lost his car licence as can't drive as on perscription which is a shame as loss of freedom and job due to covid redundancy, then all teeth removed due to previous drug use and infection. So underlying comments that he blames me his life is ruined as I got him in touch with programme.
I have been doing small monthly food shop deliveries since Nov so he is looking more healthy. I am so angry at him because I help out then but its always an argument as he would "prefer the cash" at 38. He obviously can't understand why I won't ever give him cash now he's not using, forgetting that I've had circa 22 years of his crap.
I think he has become so used to being a compulsive liar and he still lies a lot, which I always know due to gut feel.
His wife has become long term sick so he is her carer now but their daughter doing exceptionally well.
I guess I'm tired that although things are all positive on their front, I feel like I'm holding it all together for them making it all good.
I need to make a stance and stop giving, getting food etc as I seem to have just swapped one drug problem for another dependant financial problem.
Kisses and hugs for anyone that needs them.
Xxxx
Still blames everyone except himself as can't see what his using has done. Maybe that's his way of coping?? denial.
Today I paid off his overdraft and got him to close it, so no debt and put £100 on electric to make life a bit easier, probably through guilt that our parents have passed and the below things;
Lost his car licence as can't drive as on perscription which is a shame as loss of freedom and job due to covid redundancy, then all teeth removed due to previous drug use and infection. So underlying comments that he blames me his life is ruined as I got him in touch with programme.
I have been doing small monthly food shop deliveries since Nov so he is looking more healthy. I am so angry at him because I help out then but its always an argument as he would "prefer the cash" at 38. He obviously can't understand why I won't ever give him cash now he's not using, forgetting that I've had circa 22 years of his crap.
I think he has become so used to being a compulsive liar and he still lies a lot, which I always know due to gut feel.
His wife has become long term sick so he is her carer now but their daughter doing exceptionally well.
I guess I'm tired that although things are all positive on their front, I feel like I'm holding it all together for them making it all good.
I need to make a stance and stop giving, getting food etc as I seem to have just swapped one drug problem for another dependant financial problem.
Kisses and hugs for anyone that needs them.
Xxxx
Re: 22 years of Abuse
I think you have done MORE THAN ENOUGH!! Sounds as of he is maybe making some moves in the right direction. I think you would do well to look after yourself. Endless blame is not good for your soul. If I was your mum and had died, I am sure I would be, were I to have any idea what was going on, be anxious to know you had prioritised yourself.
I have two other sons. After I am dead I want then to live happily and have no expectations that they will support their brother. They have done enough. He has brought this disaster on himself. P
I have two other sons. After I am dead I want then to live happily and have no expectations that they will support their brother. They have done enough. He has brought this disaster on himself. P
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Thank you for that, has really helped me a lot.
You know how it is, it's all the lies, I've started to question lately if I am going completely mad. Possibly.
Unfortunately things have reached that stage where I need to step away, which initially I felt so guilty about and I don't want to enable but I am completely drained.
Afraid for the rock bottom but its their life.
Jo
You know how it is, it's all the lies, I've started to question lately if I am going completely mad. Possibly.
Unfortunately things have reached that stage where I need to step away, which initially I felt so guilty about and I don't want to enable but I am completely drained.
Afraid for the rock bottom but its their life.
Jo
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Read all the same stories you know the ones;
Owe money (thousands) to dangerous people, missed the chemist, desperation empty self harm/ suicide attempts and fear - yet all addicts claim the same stories over time.
This was a shocking eye opener to me and the realisation that this was all lies will help me look after me.
Owe money (thousands) to dangerous people, missed the chemist, desperation empty self harm/ suicide attempts and fear - yet all addicts claim the same stories over time.
This was a shocking eye opener to me and the realisation that this was all lies will help me look after me.
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Same story over and over and over again. I thought my addict was unusual, but goodness, such a bore! Two years ago, while I was on hols in Ireland I received an email from his wife (now divorced) saying he was laying trails of sugar to trap footprints of an "intruder" and then had locked himself in the bathroom and was passing notes under the door as the woman whom he had employed to clean his flat was "evil."
The details differ but the s.... is the same.
Great holiday!
We need to look after out OWN mental health. Addicts voluntarily ruin theirs.
P XX
The details differ but the s.... is the same.
Great holiday!
We need to look after out OWN mental health. Addicts voluntarily ruin theirs.
P XX
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Hope everyone is as well as they can be.
Things are awful at the moment like talking to a brick wall, my long suffering partner has had a gutful and slightly worried things will go sour there.
I feel so down, that I can't see the positives of:
Minimal if any "use" and attendance to all help programmes is apparent due to the threat of losing their child if they don't sort their lives out.
To be continued, I just don't have any faith!.
Jo x
Things are awful at the moment like talking to a brick wall, my long suffering partner has had a gutful and slightly worried things will go sour there.
I feel so down, that I can't see the positives of:
Minimal if any "use" and attendance to all help programmes is apparent due to the threat of losing their child if they don't sort their lives out.
To be continued, I just don't have any faith!.
Jo x
Re: 22 years of Abuse
Hi Jo
Time to take care of yourself and your relationship.
You have put years into supporting your brother, maybe its time to put all that energy back on you and your life.
Someone who is not ready to change, is like trying to drive a car with no engine - it ain't going nowhere.
Much Love
L x
Time to take care of yourself and your relationship.
You have put years into supporting your brother, maybe its time to put all that energy back on you and your life.
Someone who is not ready to change, is like trying to drive a car with no engine - it ain't going nowhere.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."