22 years of Abuse

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Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by Paulette »

LM as always makes an excellent point.

In my case it's my son who is my addict, and in some ways it is different with a sibling, because our relationship with siblings aren't the same as our relationships with a child. But the essence is the same. We can't do it for them. They have to do it for themselves.

You need to put you, your life, your relationship, your health first. Take care of you.

Keep posting . We're all here for you

Pxx
Tired
Posts: 210
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by Tired »

Hard for me to put myself in your position as my addict isn't my brother, but, definitely agree with Lm66 and others, who have been truly wonderful in guiding me...... Its essential you put yourself first, hard I know, but addicts don't really care about us, and wouldn't go out of their way.... Heartbreaking I know, but I've been let down for 6 years, but stopped my enabling in September.
SJo
Posts: 67
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2019 9:38 pm

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by SJo »

So I've gone no contact from tonight. After a blazing set to. All about the money. I've had it. I feel so guilty but self preservation is key.

I've reflected on how I got here and I guess it's because my parents dumped the responsibility of the difficult child on me. I've always tried.

They tell me benefits have been cut so I've said food bank and I know they have roof over head social housing and I expect not all benefits have been cut.

I've had the blackmail then the I'm sorry etc but I'm not interested.

Sick of hearing I'm trying over the last year. Have things improved for them probably yes for me no still the same.

Can cut the atmosphere with knife in the house tonight between me and partner.

It's killing me so I've had to go no contact.

They will be OK as ex addicts I expect they can be very resourceful.

Sick of the fear, who they mix with and all the problems. It's like a broken record.

Tonight's kick off was over £3 to put food on the table.

:roll:

Don't know what I'm afraid of but letting the anger override me at the moment as it's good to get all these emotions to surface.

No contact is the start and the end there is nothing more I can do.

Can't eat, can't sleep and feel like a crazy person. Started to thi k that it's me that's mental lol.


Jo x
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by Poetry »

It's called gaslighting. Done to undermine you. I wish you all the best in trying to free yourself. You have to want it enough. P. x
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by LM66 »

Hi Jo

Poetry is right. Gaslighting! You start to doubt yourself. Feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty for. It's all manipulation, and they know the buttons to press. They've had plenty practice.
Do not allow their behaviour to impact on you, and your relationship. Put them on the back foot - and keep doing it! Keep with the no contact - at least until you're strong enough to not let their behaviours affect you. It takes practice
The saying, " nothing changes, if nothing changes" is true. You are changing! Keep pushing forwards and focus on your life. It really is the only way to go, in my opinion.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
SJo
Posts: 67
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2019 9:38 pm

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by SJo »

Been a terrible couple of months and even worse couple of days, Xmas as usual was ruined.

Apparently both 8 weeks clean, old dealer has last night smashed up car, threats etc back for money tonight which I've given as their is a child in the house.

Expect load of old tosh.

Learned from the wife's mother that she has been an addict since 14 that's 25 years.

His Wife's mother moved hundreds of miles away and is no contact. Can't blame her.

Children are still with them even though SS are in close contact. They are doing so well is all I hear this is an old blip. You know in your body when it's a lie, I am sure of that.

I have refused to take part in kinship care or ss family support meetings and expect this will all now move to court. I can't do it.

I am twenty thousand pounds estimated worse off over the years. I'm glad our parents are dead and they don't have to suffer. That sounds so awful.

I currently pay his landline and Internet if only for the children.

My health is crippled and I need to cut off the phone and internet there as I am no longer working.

I feel so helpless and so tired of the BS. Funny how the country is in Lockdown but the dealers are still able to get out and about.

Jo.
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by Poetry »

You sound weary and resigned. I empathise and send support. Yes, I too am glad my parents are dead and cannot see how I am suffering, and that is saying something as my dad and I never got on and were estranged really. Both would have been horrified and bewildered. My dad was a drinker and my bro was an alcoholic, but somehow....it did not ever get to the stage of betrayal and outrage which it has with my son.

We all end up massively out of pocket, but at least we know when to stop. I am so sorry children are involved, but at least SS will do what is needed.

As far as doing well is concerned, I think addicts need huge support, BUT what about the families? We are just expected to survive it all, which is why I love the forum. We see on here how much support we need and deserve. DO look after yourself. Keep posting P.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by LM66 »

Jo,

Massive hug for you.
I think you are 100% correct stepping back. I think it will benefit you.
Concentrate on yourself and your own health. Social services will do what they have to do when it comes to the children. You being involved only puts you in the firing line.
You have knocked the stuffing out of yourself trying to support your brother - re-stuff! Take care of you! Don't be as available. You need to take a strong stance as this has clearly affected your health.
Take good care of you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
SJo
Posts: 67
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2019 9:38 pm

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by SJo »

So I went no contact managed to cobble enough strength together to get a Job and finances all back on track. I've been supporting them with advice or even I've told you so's but that is it.

The mother has walked out numerous times and I guess that's because she can't bear the outcome that she will lose the children. I absolutely refuse to step in as this is BS. My sibling has been 100% clean for 5 months but the wife can't even manage a week.

I don't know what the outcome will be with court but I have been sending clothing and treats for the children since feb and I know the home is a safe place for them as the wife tends to go on benders and cones back.

I have asked them to pack case for the children and to prepare them for the worst (in case they have to go into Foster care)

After a 20 months being left with addicts I'm not sure why ss want to remove them now, as things are better than they've ever been.

I know they have legal aid and a solicitor etc and are fighting it all the way but I can't see the children staying If the mother uses/goes on benders.

I have drawn a line in the sand so to speak, it is what it is and I am powerless.

I've been racked with guilt for not taking the children but I know if I do they will stop trying and go back to old ways and lose any incentive they have to stop.

Still tired of all this and feels like it never gets old.

I maybe feel numb now but that's OK bit of self preservation won't hurt me.


Jo.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by LM66 »

Hi Jo

100% you are correct.
If you take the kids, you put yourself in tge firing line, and they will both harass the life out of you. You don't need any more of their crap.
Keep moving in the direction you are going.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: 22 years of Abuse

Post by Poetry »

I so agree. You are weary and demoralised. Keep persevering. Keep telling yourself that you have to survive and you need to for YOU. P
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