Limit reached

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Bette
Posts: 765
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 12:43 am
Location: UK

Re: Limit reached

Post by Bette »

Hello TheTig
Welcome to FA, and I send you my best Birthday Wishes. I have omitted the word "happy" but I really hope you will feel able to spoil yourself somehow, in spite of unsolved, sad problems!

I hear your sadness. The chaos that addiction brings to a family has the potential to destroy it, if we let it. I know. I've been there!

Like you, and your parents, I enabled my son to stay in his addiction for years and years. He has a sister, who like you, said a loud NO to him well before I was able to do the same. It took me much longer. It was not until I found FA and began to realise that it was me that had to change that I actually began to face reality.

You have done the best thing you can, for yourself, and your addict. A simple but profound saying is this
SOMETIMES LOVE SAYS NO

We have to look after ourselves. That is our first responsibility in my view. How can we be able to help and support others if we are not healthy in mind body and spirit ourselves? We learn, as we follow this program and the 12 steps, to accept that we cannot change another, and we learn to let go with love.
(That sometimes takes a while as we come to terms and let go of the anger and resentment that so often are the predominant emotions initially)

You wishes at the end of your post were so poignant, especially this

"I hope my Mum will forgive me having to take care of myself because I couldn’t hold both our pain". Speaking as a mother of an addict, and the mother of his sister too, I would think that your mother will understand. Personally, I admire my daughter's strength of character and determination to protect herself.

Both of your parents are also hurting, but that is their own pain and their own journey to negotiate. You cannot do that for them, or be responsible for that, just as they can cannot do it for you.

They, too, may welcome the messages here in the FA program, and may benefit from it. Maybe you would consider letting them know.
The FA Helpline is open for help and support every day between 1-4pm and again between 6-9pm. Another FA member manning the phone will have had similar experiences and can share and suggest ways forward for you. They will know where your nearest meeting is and have access to the contact details of a local member who attends that meeting.
The number is 0207 498 4680

Please know that you are doing the best thing by saying a firm NO.

The sun is starting to shine here. I hope it is doing the same where you are now.
Keep coming back here TheTig. It helps as you come to terms and grieve about what has happened. It also helps to realise that spending time worrying about any "What Ifs" that may or may not happen in the future serve no purpose. All these changes take time, so we also have to be patient.

Today may seem bleak, but be reassured that things change when they are meant to.

Have a look at the main FA
website,
link at the top of this page, where the ethos of this programme is explained. I would recommend two of my favourite publications that have helped me greatly in the difficult times
TOUGH LOVE and TODAY A BETTER WAY
Both are available in the SHOP section on the main website.

Sending you a virtual birthday hug!
Wlitf (With Love in the Fellowship)
Bette
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