Worried mum

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Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

I am new to this website but have already found it so helpful in keeping me strong. I have a 23 year old and he is drug user. He started at 13 on cannibis and now taking ketamine, Valuim and cannibis. We have been to hell and back over the years and it's affected us all, I have a 21 year old who has nevr taken drugs but has been affected by his brothers usage. We had family counselling when my eldest was 18 called MST which helped us keep strong and not give into his blackmail. Things have got a lot worse over the past couple years and my son now cannot last without drugs inside him. I also found out he was doing it in his bedroom as he was up all night and in a drunken mess which I now realise is the effects of ketamine I'm led to believe. I have now given him a choice he gets help and he can even go into rehab or he has to leave. He has chosen to leave as he loves drugs - his words. He stayed at a friends the first night but last night at 10pm he was back at my door asking to come back. I stayed strong, really strong and gave him his choices again he chose to go I gave him warm clothes and a sleeping bag. I haven't slept all night as am so worried as he also said on his way out he had loads of drugs on him and laughed at me as he walked out. As you can imagine I am very worried I even rang 101 to report it, although they can't do anything. I need help in keeping strong as this is so hard and it's breaking me I know I need to detach with love which is what I am doing I tell him we all love him and just want hiim to get better but he is choosing drugs. Any help greatly appreciated from a very worried mum who is up at 4am writing this.
Thank you
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by gloria1953 »

Dear Julie

I am so sorry to hear this - ketamine was just one of my son's drugs of choice. It is a vile and stupid drug - I always threatened to film him when he was in the K-hole and I wish that I had. I always knew when he was on it as I could hear him bouncing off the walls (literally) in his room. Unfortunately he also had a year long stint on heroin and although he has been clean from heroin since 2015 he continued to do coke and ketamine. His last bout with coke left him in the hospital near death because of a heart infection due to a dirty needle. I THINK he has finally learned his lesson (there was talk about open heart surgery) but with addicts you just never know.

You have done right to ask him to leave. I should have done the same but I was so glad that he wasn't doing heroin anymore that I believed all his guff about doing coke and ketamine 'occasionally'. My son had the same attitude towards drugs as your son - he loved doing them and thought all our fears were hilarious. I worked in the music business for many years so I was no stranger to the recreational use of coke (ketamine was way after my time) - most people could take it occasionally but if you are an addict you simply cannot.

No doubt your son will find sofas to sleep on until his friends get tired of him although if they share his habits it will be later rather than sooner. Their drug use affects everyone in the household. I feel that I aged years this summer as my son was in hospital for 6 weeks. He has moved out now - he is almost 30 and I really couldn't be happier although I worry about him every day. His career is taking off which is keeping him busy but he is in a business where drug taking is the norm. I can only hope and pray that he overcomes temptation as he said he is. The truth is if he does drugs again he could die because of the damage to his heart.

All I can say is stay strong and stick to your resolve. I only wish that I had done the same.

G
Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

Thank you so much for your reply. You sound like you have been through so much too! The stories on here make me realise I'm not so alone and it really helps. I wish I found this site a while ago then I may have been stronger sooner - it's a nightmare and I'm not sure I'll ever wake up - I have just seen all his stuff outside my front window so he has gone to work this morning - he wants to get money to continue his habit I know. The hard thing will be tonight when he comes home from work wanting to come in shower and get clean clothes. My heart tells me I need to be tough and not let him but it's so hard I know he will try his best to break me like he has done so many times.
Thanks again for your quick reply it makes me realise I am doing the right thing however hard it is.
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

Julie,

your post is heartbreaking, but your strength as a mother is awe-inspiring. My boyfriend is addicted to crack.. I am finding it hard breaking away, so breaking away from a son.. I can't even imagine. What I can say in the time I've tried supporting my boyfriend is this: when they are on junk, it's NOT them. But trying to support a drug addict will totally wipe you out. You have to do what you're doing - put up boundaries, be strong.. and don't enable them in any way. It's a cliche but until they totally hit rock bottom and lose everything (or something ground breaking to them), they will not stop. Could take months, could take years - it could NEVER happen. I used to wait for the day he'd get clean, then realised, it just might not happen.

You will run out of tears trying to suppport them, you'll go through every conceivable emotion, you will run yourself down until you are physically and emotionally exhausted... you can try everything from blackmail to coercion, NOTHING will work. So focus on yourself, keeping yourself strong and well - and keep reminding yourself that by being strong, you are actually helping them. I actually tried to accept my boyfriend's crack use (big mistake).. now I am estranged from him for threatening my safety. They will use emotional blackmail - they are generally weak and self-pitying.. and so desparate they may steal or beg (my boyfriend hasn't got to that stage yet)... so YOU have to be the strong one.

I wish you the best of luck Julie.. stay on here and take strength from knowing you're not alone in this situation. x
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

All my private messages seem to be sat in my outbox so I'll post this reply publicly.

Julie,

if things get bad, you can chat live to or call these people:

https://www.addaction.org.uk

they have a pop up window to speak live to drug advisors, they are brilliant.

Do not enable your son by allowing him to use you and your home. Because it sounds like his habit is bad enough that he might steal - I would advise not allowing him to use your facilities. He has to reach rock bottom.

Stay strong Julie. x
Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

Thank you for your replies it's amazing how many people are going through similar things and my thoughts are with you as reading your stories gives me strength I thought I was on my own - but Wow what a tough night we've just had - He has been home and got everything he needs says he has a tent, I've given him a sleeping bag and warm clothes told him we all love him dearly but can't have drugs in our house anymore - if he wants to get clean we are here for him - he text me to say "I won't need you, nest departed" so heartbreaking me my husband and younger son all in tears - feeling very emotional 😢
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

You will get LOTS of emotive texts, angry texts, lots of emotional blackmail .. this is second nature to a user. DON’T take it personally .. STAY STRONG.

I ran out of tears supporting by boyfriend and have broken it off (again ) and now blocked him. If he wants to get clean, he can do so without me and come back when he is totally clean. I am not here to be abused.

Worried mum, just be strong .. and try the link I gave you x
Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

Thank you and yes I will use the link you gave me! You stay strong too and your right we are not here to be abused!
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by LM66 »

Hi Julie
I have been exactly where you are now. I remember one cold rainy winters night, my son turned up at my door - I handed him a sleeping bag and shit the door over. Ripped my heart out of my chest. But, there was nothing else I could do. He said the same as your son about the drug use - he loved it!.
Life becomes miserable and chaotic. One persons addiction impacts on everyone in the family. Enough has to be enough, or everyones life goes down the toilet.
My son has run the gauntlet of homeless accomodation, his own tenancy - unfortunately, it wasn't to be. For now anyway.
He currently resides in prison.
Take one day at a time Julie and try not to think too far ahead with all the "what ifs" that are in your mind right now.

Sensing strength and love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

thank you for your reply L - it's so hard isn't it, it must be such a worry for you too especially now he's in prison - I am at the beginning having just thrown him out so I'm sure I have a lot to come and will need to find strength from this group as it is so supportive. I have received some of the literature today and found the leaflets so helpful. I am in a bit of muddle as to what to do I heard from him last night and not sure whether to text him to check in that he's ok every so often or just to leave it and let him get on with it? I know you can't give a yes or no answer but if someone's been in that situation and found something works can they let me know - do I contact him, what if he runs out tobacco etc. Sorry if I sound pathetic but I've been so used to enabling him it's hard to let go fully. Thanks everyone!
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

My personal advice to you would be to do what you feel drawn to do, because you WILL anyway. BUT, do not give him money or buy him things. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY OR BUY HIM THINGS because he doesn’t have the money. Ask yourself one thing: WHY hasn’t he got the money? Drugs. So don’t give him money.

I personally wouldn’t even text him. You better you treat an addict the more they rely on you and the worse they treat you. He will come to you soon enough, trust me .. and you have to be strong and set boundaries to protect yourself x
Julie123
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:32 am

Re: Worried mum

Post by Julie123 »

So thanks for he advice I didn't need to text him as I had lots of texts from him saying he was going to end it all but still didn't want any help - What a night it's been it's over for now until the morning - Thank you to the advice from the telephone calls I have made tonight to this group keeping me strong. My son has been threatening suicide this afternoon so I called the police in the end who went looking for him. He was found safe and well not too far from where we live he was intoxicated with alcohol and tablets. Police managed to talk him into going to hospital so,he could have a check up where he said to them all he wanted was Valuim, the hospital staff sent him away as nothing they could do and he had red card from hospital in any case from previous time he was taken there.
He then turned up at our house very angry and started throwing stones at our window kicking in our front door! Scared to death we rang police who blue lighted to our house. They caught up with my son and arrested him for being a nuisance however during the arrest he assaulted a police officer! He is now in cells for the night! No doubt in the morning he will come back to us either texting ringing or coming round our house! I know I cannot let him in after how he has acted tonight, should I meet on neutral territority if he wants to talk calmly? Worried and mixed emotions going on at the moment, any more advice greatly appreciate! Thanks for it all so far x
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

I would say definitely do not let him in your home. I know how tough this is but you have to protect yourself and your husband and your well being.

Please keep in mind, if he has been using within the last week or so, it is POINTLESS meeting him. I’ve been through this cycle over and over and over with my fella. Yes, he texts me saying he wants to die.. doesn’t stop him taking crap. Doesn’t stop him drinking. Doesn’t stop him using drugs and thinking he can abuse me. Until you put up strong boundaries your son will keep coming back, abusing you, and he Will Keep using. It’s painful as it is, you have to cut them loose and let them hit absolute rock bottom. Then and only then, when they can SEE what they’ve lost, do they stand a chance of getting clean.

Stay strong and remember your self worth. X
Helpneeded
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2019 12:30 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by Helpneeded »

Hello everyone, as someone who started using socially well into my 40’s 3 years ago ... having progressed to frequent use once or couple of times a week ... I can honestly say the only motivation now that I have to stop is that I have lost something so dear and precious to me .... my relationship with my soul mate ... who actually happened to be the person that got me into it. This loss has woken me up ... to the point where I am now leaving my home with my children to find sanitary away from him as he is still using. My heart is broken ... my point is addicts have to have the right motivation to stop ... I think. I’ve hit rock bottom there is no where else to go. Be strong ... tough love ... I’m having to do this now with my ex ... get away from him in the hope he cleans up and we can find each other again in time ... or maybe we won’t... I don’t know. I agree tough love is the only coarse of action ... I’m glad I found this group I ... it’s gives me some light in an incredibly dark dark place. I’m trying to draw from all your strength xx
thelostone
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:44 pm

Re: Worried mum

Post by thelostone »

Thank you for your post. It’s given me a different perspective and you’ve confirmed what so many have said.. a user has to hit rock bottom before they might even consider stopping. I’ve broken up maybe 3-4 times with my fella. I always went back. Allowed him to use and tried to make our relationship work around him and his use. However, I called time two weeks ago. I’ve completely blocked him on all forms of communication and told him to remove my tel number and all trace of me. I saw him yesterday.. he stopped to talk and I just walked straight past him without stopping. I did not even acknowledge him. Like you said, maybe he will see what he’s lost.. and maybe he won’t. But what he won’t do is use me as his emotional punchbag and crutch when it suits him and the drugs run out. Stay strong, everyone who is suffering at the hands of a user. You CAN do this. We can all do this because he are worth more. X
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