My son's recent lapse has led me to look into lapses (apparently a lapse is an isolated incident) and relapses (apparently a more prolonged period)which helped my understanding and I thought that I might share with you. Addiction services and rehab centres surprisingly view lapses as an opportunity for the addict to stop and take stock and not to beat themselves up - a relapse is not failure it's an opportunity to learn from your mistakes says one. I have to say that I was very surprised to learn this as I thought that they would be much more absolute about it. However, they are firm that the addict must redouble their efforts and if the relapse is serious enough to go back into treatment.
Unfortunately none of these address how the addict's lapse or relapse affects their loved ones. For us, every relapse is a kick in the stomach, a sign that this will go on forever and the fear that it is the beginning of the end. In a way we are much more affected by them than the addict themselves. We tend to catastrophise (at least I do) when it happens and lose heart. However, for those of us who have suffered our addicts' setbacks time and time again it is hard not to do this. It is hard to ever trust them again. It is particularly difficult when in my son's case, a relapse could kill him because of his heart. Therefore what I may have considered a blip in the past has become for me a matter of life and death.
This has led me to re-examine my own expectations. In what world did I think that that an addict, somebody who has been abusing drugs in some form for 15 years would learn their lesson in one fell swoop. Norman people, yes - addicts, no. Yet again, I led myself down the garden path thinking he would of course swear off all drugs forever more. It showed me that I really don't understand addiction even after 5 years. Not one has a Damascene conversion, instead it is a series of daily battles.
I am still hurting and frightened but I no longer feel betrayed which I suppose is an improvement. I still feel very apprehensive about my son's still arrogant attitude in which he feels he knows it all about addiction and recovery and has nothing to learn. I fear that it will trip him up again. The dark shadow over everything I do is still there. I am exhausted from the endless battles. I just want peace which I will never have being the mother of an addict. It is an awful lot to mull over.
Relapses
Re: Relapses
Dear Gloria
There is a saying that a parent is only as happy as their most unhappy child. It's a terrible burden that we live with. Somehow we have to learn to carry that burden whilst still living our lives as best we can. Some days are easier than others. I think the shadow you describe is always present, but there are times when the sunlight makes it feel much smaller. I try to find the joy in small things and it does work for me, much of the time.
You are strong. Take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Px
There is a saying that a parent is only as happy as their most unhappy child. It's a terrible burden that we live with. Somehow we have to learn to carry that burden whilst still living our lives as best we can. Some days are easier than others. I think the shadow you describe is always present, but there are times when the sunlight makes it feel much smaller. I try to find the joy in small things and it does work for me, much of the time.
You are strong. Take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Px
Re: Relapses
A lot of pain in your post, Gloria and a lot of weary wisdom in yours, Paulette. Yes. We can never know peace of mind ever again. I don't know how to suggest you get to that state in which you are not subject to fear, Gloria-perhaps it is not possible-but try to see what we all see on here, which is how much of an inspiration you have been to others. You made the BIGGEST difference to me a year ago. It is not much, but it is not nothing.
Love to you both. P
Love to you both. P
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Lost&Broken
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Re: Relapses
Hi Gloria it's been a while since I have been here sorry to return and hear this ... I don't think we can be blamed for catastrophising , when drugs have affected their health to the extent it's russion roulette one relapse is one too many.
I am not a mum as u know, with me it's my husband , I know I could choose to walk away but for some reason I'm still.hre.
Every now and then he dangles that bit of hope and recently there's been the very odd day ...day at most... Where I am reassured and gain a sense of normmality ... Reminds me of how content and normal I actually was in my.lofe before this .... Then they relapse and all the fear and emotional turmoil comes flooding back
I wish I knew of a way to protect ourselves from the pain.... Make us stronger... Switch off immediately when it all starts going wrong again.
Hope you are ok and can find some releif through other aspects of your life xx
I am not a mum as u know, with me it's my husband , I know I could choose to walk away but for some reason I'm still.hre.
Every now and then he dangles that bit of hope and recently there's been the very odd day ...day at most... Where I am reassured and gain a sense of normmality ... Reminds me of how content and normal I actually was in my.lofe before this .... Then they relapse and all the fear and emotional turmoil comes flooding back
I wish I knew of a way to protect ourselves from the pain.... Make us stronger... Switch off immediately when it all starts going wrong again.
Hope you are ok and can find some releif through other aspects of your life xx
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gloria1953
- Posts: 865
- Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am
Re: Relapses
Thank you, L.
My son is now seeing an addiction therapist - he finally realised that doing it on his own was simply not an option. He has had to change his lifestyle and social life and mainly works on his music and rarely socialises at clubs etc. I should be happy about this which I of course am but I wait for the inevitable backlash. His 30th birthday is next week and I am afraid that it might be a trigger. Luckily he is seeing the therapist a couple of days before his birthday.
He is just so lovely to be around when he is straight and so much more productive. I think the thing that frightens recovering addicts is facing the forever sober scenario. It is very overwhelming I am told. Nevertheless a lapse even a one off is a veritable punch in the solar plexus - it leaves you reeling.
Stay well.
G
My son is now seeing an addiction therapist - he finally realised that doing it on his own was simply not an option. He has had to change his lifestyle and social life and mainly works on his music and rarely socialises at clubs etc. I should be happy about this which I of course am but I wait for the inevitable backlash. His 30th birthday is next week and I am afraid that it might be a trigger. Luckily he is seeing the therapist a couple of days before his birthday.
He is just so lovely to be around when he is straight and so much more productive. I think the thing that frightens recovering addicts is facing the forever sober scenario. It is very overwhelming I am told. Nevertheless a lapse even a one off is a veritable punch in the solar plexus - it leaves you reeling.
Stay well.
G