Getting over what he’s done

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sunshine75
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Aug 16, 2019 2:24 pm

Getting over what he’s done

Post by sunshine75 »

My ex has fairly recently come out of rehab and he’s working really hard. He’s over 100 days clean and sober now and I’m obviously really happy for him. However, I’m struggling to deal with all my feelings over what’s happened.
We’ve worked together for nearly 5 years and although I knew him when he was using, I didn’t know him well. By the time we started seeing each other he was nearly 3 years clean. Unfortunately, this summer he relapsed in a big way. Our relationship struggled and we were a bit on again off again right up until he went into rehab. I spoke to him the night before he went. I begged him for answers, I told him once he’d been to rehab I didn’t want to make him relive any of his relapses and to please tell me what had happened. He refused. When he came out he moved out of London to live with his parents and joined the na group there and got himself a sponsor. I barely heard from him and didn’t see him until he came back to work.
We somehow ended up starting our relationship again a few weeks later. Last week we were messing around and he gave me his phone to “check up on him”, he’d obviously forgotten what was on there. There were messages asking out other women who we work with, just days before we’d actually slept together again. Confirmation messages from dating apps from the summer when we were together and at least one message thread with a woman who’s flat he was in waiting for her to come back during one of his relapses. I didn’t get chance to read the messages and he said there’s nothing to see, she was just picking up for him but won’t let me look at it. On top of this, again the weekend before he slept with me, I was off work and he brought a woman in to work with him who was from one of his na meetings and was introducing her as his new girlfriend. He says it was nothing, it was just a joke, it had only been one kiss on the way home one night and nothing had happened but I don’t believe him, there were also pictures of the two of them together on his phone which he wouldn’t let me see. He said it was just a picture of them on the train but it looked like they were in bed.

Anyway, I really wanted to be his friend and support him, but he doesn’t feel he owes me any explanations for any of the situations I’ve mentioned. I feel like I’m very much still dealing with the guy who was using all summer. When I question him or again beg him for answers he blocks me on all social media, phone calls and WhatsApp so I can’t get hold of him and then pretends nothings going on when he sees me at work.

I’ve become really miserable, I have panic attacks at work now and I still have to go in and see him 5 days a week. I don’t know how to cope without any kind of closure and he’s not willing to give it to me.

I’m sorry for the insanely long post, I just don’t know how to cope with being around him at work or getting myself back to normal with constant reminders of what he’s done to me.
Bette
Posts: 765
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 12:43 am
Location: UK

Re: Getting over what he’s done

Post by Bette »

Hello sunshine75 (what a lovely name!)
Welcome to FA!
This programme is a life saver for those of us who have a loved one with a suspected, current or former drug problem.

It's to be applauded that your ex is on a recovery path. However, the recovery process is an ongoing thing. Many of the behaviour problems and issues that were a part of using will continue even after they are clean. Your ex's choice to have these possible other ladies in his life is his stuff to sort isn't it. That could be happening whether he had an addiction problem or not I guess.

I cannot claim any experience of that particular situation (my addict is my son). But I know how it feels to be lied to , many times, and the loss of trust that is a consequence.

This programme gives us the chance to look at our own behaviours. I had to ask myself some hard questions.
Was I excusing unacceptable behaviour from my addict?
Should I be sending a clear message of a firm "No" to my addict.
How can I come to terms with the betrayal that I felt. (I felt betrayed, even though I was dealing with my son).

This programme helped me answer those questions.

I would suggest that you have a look around the main website, consider getting some literature and look at the list of meetings to see if there is one that you could get to. For me, that was the best help, meeting others face to face who had lived through similar.

I also remember realising that my efforts to make sense of the whys and wherefores of my addict's behaviour was a waste of time. Asking him for reasons and explanations was futile. I don't even think many of our addicts really know the answers to those questions themselves. At least not until they have followed a truly committed and honest recovery path. So trying to make sense of something that is senseless was part of my madness. It was making me ill, and allowing that to carry on was again, senseless. My health is paramount. If I allow anything to jeopardise it. It's like a form of self abuse in my opinion. To allow a situation to continue that makes me ill is disrespecting myself. There are other people in my life that need me to be as healthy as I can be. It was a big awakening for me when I acknowledged that I had been neglecting them, as well as myself.

There is much to take into account in the FA programme sunshine. One Step At Time is a favourite slogan. I suggest that you just focus on whatever seems the most important to you at this moment in time.

I have sent you private message about the other issue.
I hope my suggestions may help you sunshine.
Wishing you well and keep coming back here. We get it!
Wlitf (With Love In The Fellowship)
Bette
dramaqueen
Posts: 385
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Getting over what he’s done

Post by dramaqueen »

Hi Sunshine,

I am so sorry to hear of the pain your on off bf is causing you.

I have sent you a PM.

DQ
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Getting over what he’s done

Post by Poetry »

Like Bette, my addict is my son, so the lies have not been the same type,but it sounds very difficult for you, and as if, to be honest, you might need to consider trying to support this man from the perspective of a friend? I don't mean to be dismissive of the difficulties posed by the strong feelings which you have for him, but be warned; the lying is not an easy habit to break even after a period of sobriety.

It must be awful going into work feeling stressed and panicky. That happened to me when I was being bullied by my so called "superiors" some years ago, and I tentatively suggest to you that this behaviour is a type of intimidation, your boyfriend's period of cleanliness and sobriety notwithstanding.

It is so good that you want to support your boyfriend and are proud of what he has achieved (which is great, btw, and all credit to him), but I think in your position I'd pull back and wait and see, whilst still offering support as a friend. I suspect it will take a long while before the habit of lying and exploiting people is replaced by something better.

MY son has certainly not learned to behave better, though is at present on methadone as he has had no money for drugs. He will use again I'm sure, but that aside, from what I know-five years of cleanliness sand sobriety before empathy begins to be evident again. A long wait for you?

Much love, and encouragement, P
Deedee3
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: Getting over what he’s done

Post by Deedee3 »

Good evening sunshine75

I relate to this deeply, my addict is currently in an open rehab and is clean 75days now. I have been in a relationship with him for the last nearly 9yrs although the last 3yrs were horrendous and we’ve been on/off for those 3yrs.
Although he moved on very quickly every time we split I have only found out recently about he’s affairs (1 one night stand and a few months with he’s probation officer).

I have a question for you, are you looking to reconcile with him and continue with your relationship?. If not and you don’t have children with him then I’d strongly suggest stop asking questions and listen to yourself. Deep down you know the truth as hard as it is to take. You can find another job if need be it is your choice to continue working there.
I was happier not knowing the truth but now I do know the truth it’s best for us because we are trying to work through things and it’s really not easy at all. I go from one day feeling loved up and wanting to work through things to waking up the next hating him and regretting agreeing to try again.

I think you need to know why you want answers. I’ll always be available for a chat and I really hope you get what you need. I’m by no means happy or healed but I’m still plodding along and taking one day at a time.

I wish you well x
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