Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

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Sparks
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:24 pm

Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Sparks »

Good evening

This evening I have blocked my son on my phone. I can't believe I would do that to him but I can't cope with the relentless texting and calling. He says he owes money to a loan shark but I'm not sure I believe him. He says he borrowed money to buy drugs now he has lost his job and can't pay them. He says he is frightened for his life. After many years of giving him money over and over, I decided some time ago not to give him another penny. I have told him this and explained why but it does not stop him. He threatens to take his own life and self halm if I don't give him the money and this week this has moved to nasty comments about me.

At the same time, he has taken himself to A&E claiming he is worried about harming himself. This has led to the MHT reaching out to him and he says he is seeing them. He has been put on anti-depressants by his GP and claims he is drug-free, even sending me the copy of a blood test showing this. He is also registered with a drug rehab centre and so it all seems positive. This money he claims relates to his previous lifestyle... it's £1500 so not a small amount. The trouble is I just don't trust him, having given him money in the past because he said he was being threatened. He says he really wants to change but I still don't trust him. He has been taking drugs for over 10 years, on and off.

He says he is a dead man because he can't pay them and it's my fault!

I am desperate. I don't have the money he is asking for anyway but I just have this nagging doubt that he may be at risk and how I would feel if the worst happened. My other son completely supports me on this point so why do I feel such a failure? Has anyone else experienced the loan shark story or this level of bullying from their loved ones?

Seeking advice and support
Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Paulette »

Hello

Sadly I have experienced this. Over and over....I resolved not to give him another penny too but his father (my ex) was a softer touch. The last time, the amount my son claimed to have borrowed was £3000 and he said he was at risk. Someone then damaged my ex's car and my son claimed it was the drug dealer/loan shark and was a threat. We're not at all sure that it wasn't our son. Anyway my ex paid up direct to the dealer/loan shark (we were never sure which it was) and the whole saga just continued. So then we assumed it had been the dealer, the amount owed was less and the rest was used to supply more drugs. But who knows. That lifestyle is so alien and unknown to us and that in itself is frightening.

I think you have to trust your instincts and also your resolve. You don't have the money, it may not be true, and it's his responsibility. Blaming you is manipulative and cruel, but you know that. Well done for blocking his calls. There's a limit to what any of us can take and it sounds really positive that you have recognised your limit.

It's horrible and frightening and feels like it goes against what we want to do as caring parents, but dealing with an addict is not like most of what we want to do as parents. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and well done for reaching out here. Also it's great that you have the support of your other son.

Take care and sending you hugs
Pxx
gloria1953
Posts: 865
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by gloria1953 »

I am so sorry, Sparks but he is a liar. Drug dealers do not allow you to build up debts. And a loan shark? Seriously?

My son tried this once or twice but his MO was really to steal from me instead.

Your son is using all the text book addict routines but because we are mothers there is that small part of us that still wants to protect them if it is indeed true. You are in such a terrible dilemma and I would feel the exact fear and doubt as you do. It is so cruel what they do to us and I am so sorry that he is testing you in this way. It is wonderful that you have the support of your other son and I am glad there is somebody there in your corner. It is so important.

You are so brave.

G
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Poetry »

Sparks, I so agree with Paulette and Gloria. What more could you EVER have done? I have learned, this last year, that I must do two things-make sure that I have supported my son WHERE REASONABLE (and the time to give him money is now long past) and protect myself and my family from future damage, by not falling prey to emotional blackmail.

I can assure you, as an outsider, that your conscience can be clear, even if, and it is MOST unlikely, anything were ever to come of your son's fictitious narratives. It is because you feel so undermined, baffled and stressed that you have these fears. Every one of us shares them.

You have taken decisive action, and well done. That took great strength and you were absolutely right. Love, P.
lost77
Posts: 159
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:54 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by lost77 »

You are not alone Sparks and I am very sorry that you are subject to this abuse from your own son. My family have been in this position before and the relentless nature of the behaviour I found mentally really quite distressing .
In my situation I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot trust the addict at all and at the moment that also means with the ability to contact me by message (so have blocked).
In truth I have also starting looking at restraining orders because I fear I may be completely taken down along with him if we continue in the same way we have done for years (emotional blackmail, bullying and living in a constant state of anxiety waiting for the next message).
Its always about money, more money and lies about why he needs the money. The hardest part I often find is the feeling of being responsible for someone else's actions but how can we be.
I say "No" , I asked to be "left alone", I have been ill and have been polite, angry and everything in between . It makes no difference he still persists.

His actions, his responsibility and his consequences is a mantra I try to remind myself. I find it hard enough to keep boundaries in general and the addict throws every difficult angle at mine possible.

Sending you hugs and strength
x
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by LM66 »

Hi Sparks

Been there, and done that too! It's very frightening when it happens the first time. Sadly, it doesn't stop after the first time. We cannot control what they do, but we can make decisions to step out of their crazy world. Not easy, but necessary in my opinion, or you get dragged down.
I do believe you have done the right thing - I did the same. Blocked my sons number. Reported him to the police. Said "NO" to money requests. We have to take care of ourselves, or we end up ill with the strain of it all. Keep in your mind, that you are dealing with an addict and he will lie to the cows come home, to get what he wants. They are also very quick to resort to the abusive messages and name calling, when they are told no. I think we have all been there at some point.
One day at a time Sparks.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Sparks
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:24 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Sparks »

Thank you, everyone, for your words of support. This has been going on for years but recently it has really ramped up to a new level. His approach recently has been to drown me in texts on days when I ought to be happy such as Christmas or when I am on holiday, sometimes hundreds of messages, one after the other. I guess he thinks I may be more likely to cave in on those days. However, this has pushed me to feel so low. I no longer seem to be hanging on to the hope he will recover and without that, it all feels so hopeless.

Taking small steps to create some distance between us such as blocking him on my phone gives me a small sense of control again. I actually slept last night without the dread of waking up to messages or calls and my husband has been able to go to work without worrying about me being harassed.

I have still spent the entire day thinking about him and I will make contact with him in the coming days or weeks when I feel ready. Being free to talk about all this on this site has been life-changing for me. It has made me see that I am not alone. I can often hear my exact story from others on here. It makes it all the sadder that so many people are throwing their lives away through addiction but, still gives me comfort to know that my instinct about my sons manipulative behaviours is right. They are so good at drawing us in. My son seems to be able to read my mind and sees every glimmer of me weakening. I feel a little stronger today and it is thanks to you all on here.

xxx
Deedee3
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Deedee3 »

Good morning Sparks.

I also agree with everyone, although I can tell you from a different perspective as my addict is my partner. He did rack up debt of thousands and he has been clean 90days now and has not paid it but has also not asked to borrow and no one has asked because he dropped contact with all known drug associates when he got clean!.

Whilst still in that circle anyone, he’s mum and sisters, he’s dad and friends lent him money and this only ever made things worse. He always used again because once debts were paid he was free to get drugs on tick again!.

It’s such dangerous territory to lend money, part of recovery is learning to stand on your own feet. This is not your problem and you could make he’s using a lot easier by lending money. I begged people not to lend my addict money, I was always honest and told them he doesn’t have the means to pay it back and nobody listened.

He was at one point doing drug runs for a dealer to try and pay off the hefty debt but that was all while he was in the grips of addiction, as I said earlier since being clean he has no contact, new number, new address and no bother. Don’t be fooled xxx
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Poetry »

So glad it has helped to post, Sparks. Deedee, so glad it is looking hopeful. Love, P.
Sparks
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:24 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Sparks »

Thanks DeeDee for your supportive comments, it means so much. So good to hear your partner has been clean for this period. I hope his recovery continues. It gives me hope to hear this positive news xx
Deedee3
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Deedee3 »

We are by no means “out of the woods” he spent most of yesterday crying as the urge to use was very strong, he was also followed by a security guard as he paced up and down the alcohol isle not knowing what to do.
I see him yesterday evening and although can never be positive I don’t think he did use.
It was a reminder of how hard this is, I’d definitely got too confident.

I really hope you’re son is in recovery and is getting the help he needs having that network around him is vital as this is for me. I’m getting counselling through a charity now that took only a week to set
Deedee3
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 9:06 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Deedee3 »

I’d be happy to share details if anyone is interested.

Xxx
FlyingMonkey
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2019 2:04 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by FlyingMonkey »

DeeDee - could you share the details of that charity please?
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Poetry »

I can wholeheartedly recommend counselling and am so glad you both are going/thinking of going this route. I re-contacted the counsellor I used after my mum died. and things from the past came back, then again three weeks ago after a crisis with my son. I am seeing her Wednesday. It helps me to see that MY survival is paramount. I didn't cause this and I'm sure as Hell going to get through it. He is the author of his own destiny, too, and he can choose, just as I'm doing. Love, P.
Bluebelle57
Posts: 42
Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 7:56 pm

Re: Loan Sharks or Drug Dealers

Post by Bluebelle57 »

Hello Sparks
I haven’t posted for a long time but I too agree with the others. It’s the same pattern for all of us and took me and my husband years to realise we were in a vicious cycle, it’s a pattern that goes on for years and we unwittingly enabled it in the early years by bailing him out of debts etc The love we have for our children makes us feel responsible but it doesn’t help to make them account for their choices and actions. They play us like puppets with their manipulative lies and stealing from us. Whilst in the grip of addiction The only thing they truly love is the drug and they will do and say anything to get money out of us. My son will be 30 in April and has mental health issues, psychosis,paranoia and anxiety all caused through drugs, and despite being told by the MHT back in 2017 to stop using, he still lapses.
Your doing the right thing to protect yourself, your husband and you relationship with your other son. Keep Strong
Bluebelle X
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