Trouble with my boys again

[Poetry]

DQ and Paulette, I'm feeling ill his morning with my ME but something made me check the forum. I'm glad I did. Paulette has obvs. had a lot of the abuse which you are suffering. That's invaluable advice from her. My son has not lived with us since uni, and he is now forty so the abuse we had was episodically here, in my home, but usually at a distance by text/email, or his flat. HOWEVER, I can well imagine the state you are in, and how moving back will have been a watershed for you. What a lot you have endured.

Apart from reporting my mental state to my GP (supportive) and generally pulling in family support, I have not needed to involve any other authorities or facilitators but I feel that you must seek whatever help you can get. You are depressed and you need help and protection. Others on here are better equipped to point you in the right direction.

What I think you do realise is that despite how you are feeling, you must maintain your stance. As for your state of mind, I can totally understand and altho it is frightening, you need to see it as natural. Your mind and body are telling you that you can't go on as you have been doing. PLEASE stay on here. Love, P.

[dramaqueen]

Dear Paulette and Poetry

thank you so much for your replies - it makes such a difference to me.

Paulette - I am so sorry to hear about what you went through and it sounds as if this was not just on the part of your troubled addict son but that you had challenging behaviour from your other sons too? Now that your boys are grown up, what is the position now? How is your relationship / contact with them? Have they all left home and made their own way in life? Do you feel that you eventually found space for you?

Sometimes I can't see an end in sight. This is what troubles me. However, I do have confidence that FA will help me to gain perspective and make the most of my own life regardless of what happens. I think you are right that a conversation at my ex's house is what is called for and that this a good time to try to set some clear boundaries, perhaps draw up a "contract" with them and agree with my ex what the consequences will be if they do not respect the boundaries/contract.

I can totally see that the fear is a downward spiral. The situation yesterday was frightening for everyone involved. My ex's new wife, who is tall and very strong, was also really shaken up by the events. For me, the situation unfortunately triggered childhood trauma, a very similar situation with a man in the middle of psychotic breakdown hammering on our unlocked front door when I was alone at home. As a child, I opened the door to this man and he threatened to kill my dog, but then left. This time round I knew I couldn't open the door, because I knew the 18 year old's only objective was to force himself back into my house, something the kids have done again and again, overriding my wishes, over the past 3.5 years. However, I was so distressed that at one point I was cowering under the kitchen table hoping not to be seen through a window. It will be difficult to claw back from that to a position of strength and the boys will be able to sense my fear which will make it difficult to assert authority, something I am all too aware of.

Poetry - I am sorry to hear that you have been suffering from your ME again and it is so kind and thoughtful of you to post a reply to me despite feeling unwell. On Saturday I was totally immobilised by anxiety and depression - all my muscles ached and I couldn't lift a thing. Luckily for me that is an unusual event. I can only imagine how awful it must be to be regularly affected by physical pain.

I am indeed depressed, but doing everything I can to try to lift myself out of it. Unfortunately we have been living in a very high stress situation for the past few weeks. I continue to call upon as much help as we can. We have the "Early Help" team involved, advising on our 15 year old. He unfortunately refuses to engage but we have been learning the principles of NVR (Non Violent Resistance) and will this week run through a session on making "announcements" to ourselves and to the boys. This is really the equivalent of laying down boundaries - I think it is what Paulette is suggesting. And we realise that this will only mark the beginning of attempted change to which we will meet continual resistance. Meanwhile, the boys will be with my ex for a while longer because I need to feel a lot stronger before I can take them on again. The dam was bound to burst sooner or later and it has....

Sending gratitude and warmest regards

DQ

[Paulette]

Hello DQ
Take good care of you. I'm glad you're getting some more respite.

Thank you for asking about me. My sons are all grown up. Troubles with each of them in their own ways! My youngest is now fine - though was self employed so has no work at the moment...middle one is the addict and in prison. Eldest was doing great for a long time but had a terrible trauma 3 or so years ago (which is too specialist to explain without probably risking anonymity...) and is now far from ok. You never stop being a parent!

I did/have made space for me, but it's complicated because most other people (even friends) can't really cope with the ongoing traumas and so it can get lonely. A long term relationship went sour just before lockdown...he could not cope with my boys and ended up finding someone else. Wanted to 'stay friends' which I found humiliating and refused.

Hence this board is also my lifeline. But I've got hobbies and interests and a nice home - and I am in touch with friends, so on a day to day basis mostly I'm content and sometimes I even feel joy and happiness!

But what happened to me may not happen to you! I don't think I handled things especially well (though I know I did the very best I could), and my parents/family is tricky so I was pretty unsupported...went to lots of agencies for help but did not really feel helped as kids would not engage....

Keep posting, keep reading
Sending hugs
Pxx

[dramaqueen]

Hi Paulette,

many thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your long term relationship ending because of your boys. I must say, I know several other women who have ended up single holding the "babies" whereas dads seem to make a habit of immediately moving on. My ex re-married 4 months after the divorce came through. I have certainly not felt up to starting a new relationship - things need to settle down considerably at home before I have the space for that and meanwhile I am not getting any younger!

Would it be ok if I PM you at some point? I know you can't tell me what to do but it would be great if you have any lessons learned which you are willing to share. And I am conscious that this string of messages has got very long! Sobering to read it over and see just how much drama has happened over the past few weeks. It's not for nothing that I call myself Drama Queen

Best wishes

DQ :

[Poetry]

Dramaqueen, I just read your answer to Paulette. By coincidence, I did PM you I think maybe Monday when I read your account of how terrible you felt. I imagine maybe it didn't get through. If it did, there's no need to respond, but I was concerned for you. Try to keep remembering that we all understand exactly what this is like. Love P.

[dramaqueen]

Hi Poetry

I am sorry I did not receive your PM - very kind of you to do that. I PM’d you last night - have you received it?

Best wishes

DQ

[Poetry]

DQ. No, I haven't got that..... I'll try again and let's see. P. x

[Poetry]

DQ, your message was here, but hadn't come up on my email as usual. Replied! P xx