Looking for Advice and Similar Situations

[Amelia]

So I don’t really know where to start. I feel at such a loss completely drained and so emotional.
I got with a guy last year having come out of a relationship where I was cheated on. I was apprehensive but very quickly he got attached and wanted to move in. I knew he used crack cocaine but didn’t know to what extent, after a few weeks I started to have reservations so sent him a message to say I didn’t think it was working and I felt like I had a flat mate rather than a boyfriend, my message never went through and 5am that morning I got a call from a police station, he’d been arrested......I decided to see it through as I saw such a wonderful side to him, so loving, so genuine, so kind, so positive. After 3 months he was given a deferred sentence. He came out and instantly I wasn’t very happy however he did get a job for the first time in 20years! I’m a good judge of character as my siblings have been drug users and I think he was using before an accident he had but he aware he wasn’t. Anyway to try and cut this story short, he had an accident, got back on crack and it’s just gone from bad to worse.
I feel so lonely as he’s often in and out all day and night and when he is at home we can’t relax like normal people and watch a film. He always says it’s down to ADHD which I struggle to believe as he wasn’t like this when he first came home. I literally do everything, I pay all the bills, cook 99% of the time, clean, do his washing and he seems to be oblivious to it all. I feel like I’m just an easy go-to option but he swears that’s not the case and he loves me more than he has ever loved anyway. Part of me believes it and that the real him is being hidden by the drugs but it’s not acceptable to me. I would never cause somebody pain and upset for the sake of drugs but I guess some people are weaker than others. All I get is ‘you never want to do anythibg when I ask’ but I don’t want to roam the streets at silly o’clock. ‘I’m miserable’ and ‘I’m Moany’ he doesn’t see the problem with being out all night if I’m asleep anyway. He throws the fact that I work in my face but I’m currently working at home and when I was furloughed for 6 weeks there was no difference. He was liking other women on dating sites when we first met, ive had possessions go missing and most recently soemthing on his phone he swears he didn’t send.
I continuously tell him how sad and drained I am, he says sorry and that it kills him when I cry but then a day or two later we’re back to square one. I can voice my concerns with a shitty message when he’s out and then he comes in as thought everything is normal. I don’t get it, I feel like I’m the crazy one. How can somebody be so switched off to reality.
I’m using this service as a last resort to try and get an insight and not be horrible and make things worse but my feelings are switching off and I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel responsible for the reoccurring issues because I’ve said it’s over and wanted him out so many times and never gone through with it. I’m a lot younger than he is, I’ve had such bad luck in relationships and I just want to be loved and be happy. I really want a child to but know I can’t have a kid in these circumstances and never would but then I’m once again sacrificing my own happiness to try and save somebody that I’m not sure can be saved as he has to want to do it. He always says ‘I’m getting bored’ ‘I’ll stop when I’m ready, I did stop for 5 years you know’. I don’t believe he can stop with the company he keeps, his phone rings all hours of the day and night. I know I’m a fool and I’m wasting time on soemthing that is unlikely to happen, I just don’t want to give up on the person I fell in love with as he’s not all bad but lately the sadness as I have out ways anything good we ever had.

[Poetry]

I think you know the answer, Amelia. Your story is all our stories. We are on this forum to share with one another how we cope with the Hell of having been put through a loved one's addiction. It IS Hell.

This is your partner, not your child (mine is my son, but he does not live with me and never will-not even welcome for a visit while using) so you can get free. Do so while you can, before he lowers your self esteem and coping capacity still further. Do you REALLY deserve that appalling treatment? We went through all of that at a distance with our son before giving up, and recalling it fills me with horror. You will look back and be surprised at what you tolerated.

Of course we love them. It doesn't mean we can live with them.

My son has two failed marriages. Wife Number One was not innocent of drugginess but has now reformed and is pregnant by her boyfriend. Baby due August. She did it. You should aim for a better, more mutually supportive relationship too.

By the way, to reiterate-your account is typical,They are ALL like this. They will ALL get worse unless anything happens to bring them up straight. Love. P>

[Amelia]

Hi Poetry,

Thank you very much for your feedback.
I know in my heart what I need to do I just need to realise it’s not my fault and not to feel guilty for thinking of my needs too. I got to the point where I wasn’t sure if it was being unreasonable and questioning myself ‘like am too moany’ am I wrong for being tired ta night when I work all day and come home and cook and do washing and look after my mum and all the rest of it but I know deep down nobody who isn’t a drug addict would happily stand for it. Some of us tolerate it but it doesn’t make it right.
I can already feel myself wearing away, deflating more day by day. I’ve got no enthusiasm for anything anymore and struggle to feel happy.
Last night was a prime example, I woke up at 4am he wasn’t home, strolled in about 5:30am as if nothing was wrong. I know have a migraine and feel exhausted as I got 4hrs sleep. Although I work at home my job requires a lot of organising so my mind had to be constantly on the ball but he doesn’t see that it’s as thought I’m at home so I can do what I want but I’m not one do those people as my job is my livelyhood so I don’t want to slack.
He just about did the washing up as I refused and now he’s out again.
I really appreciate your reply as I’m new to all this and it took me a lot to express my situation but I knew if I didn’t I would literally ruin myself. This morning I actually thofihtvcobtacting the doctor for antidepressants and then I thought but if I wasn’t in this situation I wouldn’t feel to the point of needing medication. I have to stop kidding myself and be brave. You did it and it’s your own child which must be so much harder. I really thought he would be success story like your sons ex wife but deep down I know my boyfriend enjoys it and the lifestyle that comes with it more than anything else. I always Everyone above myself and just want to find happiness. Not relationship is perfect but I feel like having a kind and caring heart has brought me nothing but pain. I just seem to attract people that need saving and then it backfires on me and I have to try and start again. I just feel like I’d be better off by myself but it’s noway to think of a life like that in my late 20’s

[LM66]

Hi Amelia

If you stay with this guy, your life will be constant chaos and misery, in my opinion.
Im sure the other ladies who have been in your position will chip in too.
Like Poetry, my son is my addict. I would tell any young lady to put her trainers on and run for the hills and never look back. He is bot anywhere near relationship material.
You make choices for you and your life. You didnt cause his addiction issues, and please believe me when I say you cannot cure them. He needs to find his own way.

Much Love
L x

[Amelia]

Hi L,
Thank you very much for your take on things. My partners mum is blind to what he does as she’s getting in, he pulls the wool over her eyes and I struggle so hard when she sticks up for him as I just want to scream but I can’t because if she was to get I’ll from stress I wouldn’t forgive myself.
I just got back from a walk to which was his suggestion, he actually went in Tesco and brought shopping for the first time in forever but I can’t help but feel it’s for selfish gain. Before leaving he was like ‘what’s up babe’ ‘please sort yourself out’ so I said this is what happens when I get to a really bad place. He’ll always be delirious to it being his fault and will always say it’s working stressing me out or to get a carer for my mum but I worked and helped my mum whisky he was in prison and I was so happy because he was clean and I saw a future.
It’s nice to be able to vent to people that understand, as it is making me stronger knowing that I’m not the bad person and will give me the courage to do what I need to do and not feel guilty about it.
Has your son been an addict for long? Has he ever gotten clean?
I justvthink if somebody had been clean for a while to throw it down the drain is such a waste. I think my partner truly feels he’s in control of it but couldn’t be more wrong. I know me stressing or reminding him of things he has said makes no difference because it proves I’m weak and he assumes he can do as he pleases and I’ll always be here. x

[LM66]

HI Amelia

My sons issues have been going on for 6 years. Constant chaotic lifestyle. Like a rotten record being stuck on repeat. Relationships which were completely toxic for both parties. Homelessness - numerous times!
He was in prison for a year. Got released 4 weeks ago, and was high the next day and this continued until the weekend.
He has told me he wants to sort his life out, have his family back in his life etc. He knows what he has to do. I don't sit with baited breath anymore, I go with the flow.
So I guess the answer to your question is, he wasn't using in prison. However, they did make homemade hooch!
Put yourself first Amelia. Don't be gaslighted by him - that's what he's doing. Leave him to it.

Much Love
L x

[dramaqueen]

Amelia

I am so sorry to hear your story. LM is right - he is gaslighting you, trying to discredit your feelings which his behaviour is squarely to blame for.

It is not only his drug use that is the problem but his abusive behaviour full stop - texting other women, not pulling his weight around the house, disappearing all hours and disturbing your sleep. If he was not using drugs would you accept this behaviour? You deserve so much better.

I recommend that you call the FamAnon helpline and also take part in a FamAnon meeting - they are mostly online now. I personally have found both to be enormously helpful.

Sending you strength.

DQ

[Poetry]

Amelia, be encouraged. You can see where we are telling you you are heading. Don't go there. Much love, P.