New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling with my conscience since finally reporting my concerns to social services, re my daughter in her 30s and her partner both taking street drugs with 3 young boys to bring up . My daughter has taken cocaine/ weed/ alcohol for many years and didn’t stop even when pregnant, same for her partner, they now have 3 boys age 8 and under and the situation has declined slowly but surely over the years . They now take acid as well as all the other stuff and more recently started using a vape with spice in it , which is having an awful affect on her mental health as well . Moody swings violent outbursts hateful behaviour to family and friends . It all came to a head Xmas day when they arrived at my house with the boys for Xmas dinner high on the spice vape , I quietly called her out on it , to which she exploded into a rampage of abuse against me , Xmas ruined and then she proceeded to block me on the phone so I can’t contact her at all and hence can’t see my grandsons . I have now spoken to social services as she has done nothing but lie continuously to other family asking what’s going on , and I’m heartbroken not to be able to see the kids as usually they’re a huge part of my daily life as I’ve supported her caring for them since babies . I feel bad about all of it , her on drugs , the neglect of the kids , for so called betraying her by reporting her . I’ve tried every angle over the years to get her to seek help and get clean but she just doesn’t want to and will deny deny deny any wrong doing to all . Saying I’m crazy and I’m the one on drugs ! Her home is dirty , chaotic , and domestic abuse on both sides in her relationship all in front of the kids . And now she’s blocking me seeing them and saying who knows what to them about where their nanny is , I’m just devastated and don’t know where to turn next , despite the damage she’s causing and caused for many years I still love her and want her to get healthy and clean , and most of all I need to be able to be the loving Nan I’ve always been to the boys . Has anyone been through similar and found a way through ? Thankyou for reading !
Re: New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
My addict is my son who had no children. There are people on the forum, though, who are in your position and worried about the grandchildren. They are your ABSOLUTE priority. I feel for you so deeply. My middle son has three and they are cherished and cared for. I would be devastated if I were in your position.
You sound as if you have good understanding of your daughter's tactics with gaslighting you (they all do this-boring) and can see clearly where your priorities lie-with the kids. You are right to be involving the authorities. I suggest you take a hard and consistent line. Try to banish all thoughts about betraying your daughter. It is she who has done the betraying and ruined your Christmas.
I'm afraid I am all out of any sympathy with addicts (It leaked away after what my son did to us 2017-2018). The whole nation has had a terrible year fear driven and deprived of our loved ones, and most of us have done amazingly well, against great odds and then there are the addicts-no social conscience.
The kids deserve much better. Make them and YOURSELF the priority. Thee is plenty of help for addicts. My son was offered so much, but he just scorned and jeered at the professional we encouraged him to see. P
You sound as if you have good understanding of your daughter's tactics with gaslighting you (they all do this-boring) and can see clearly where your priorities lie-with the kids. You are right to be involving the authorities. I suggest you take a hard and consistent line. Try to banish all thoughts about betraying your daughter. It is she who has done the betraying and ruined your Christmas.
I'm afraid I am all out of any sympathy with addicts (It leaked away after what my son did to us 2017-2018). The whole nation has had a terrible year fear driven and deprived of our loved ones, and most of us have done amazingly well, against great odds and then there are the addicts-no social conscience.
The kids deserve much better. Make them and YOURSELF the priority. Thee is plenty of help for addicts. My son was offered so much, but he just scorned and jeered at the professional we encouraged him to see. P
Re: New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
Thankyou so much for yr reply . It does help to know I’m not alone in this . I’m at a pretty low point right now , still I need to not get too low so I can’t work . This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life and it’s not been rosy ! I think the powerlessness over the sitc we just all feel when our family members chose the lifestyle of drugs over the love and care of their family is especially hard as they always turn the tables on us and make it seem like it’s our fault they made those choices in life .
Re: New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
Hi Gemini
You absolutely have done the only thing you could do, to protect the children. Your daughter isn't able to make safe decisions for now..
Like Poetry, my son is the addict. He is 27 years old, and currently in prison. I am so grateful that he has no children.
You are so right when you say about " turning the tables on us" - they make us feel guilty. They are good at that. You have nothing to feel guilty about Gemini - you're not the one causing chaos.
Keep your head up. You will come out the other side of this dark tunnel. It's a horrible way to feel and we can all relate to it.
Much Love
L x
You absolutely have done the only thing you could do, to protect the children. Your daughter isn't able to make safe decisions for now..
Like Poetry, my son is the addict. He is 27 years old, and currently in prison. I am so grateful that he has no children.
You are so right when you say about " turning the tables on us" - they make us feel guilty. They are good at that. You have nothing to feel guilty about Gemini - you're not the one causing chaos.
Keep your head up. You will come out the other side of this dark tunnel. It's a horrible way to feel and we can all relate to it.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
Hello Gemini. You have found the right place. My addict is my son and he has 3 children (with 2 different mothers). He is in prison. It is absolutely hellish and you are doing everything right to put yourself and those children first.
My son split up from both mothers. In my case the mother of the eldest grandchild was also very problematic and that child was on the edge of care for quiet some time - social workers got me involved so that I could provide respite care and because they involved me I was able to provide a lot of information that helped to keep that child safe. The school also liaised with me, and invited me to parents evenings etc. Although her mother didn't want me involved, social services kind of insisted, and the school could see that I was a constant for the child, so wanted me involved. The second mum is incredibly sensible but it took her a long time to give up on my son. But she did and she hasn't looked back.
So in some ways it has been easier for me than the situation you are in. I found it helpful to keep a record of the most bizarre and disturbing behaviour so that I could pass on that information and also reassure myself that I was not mad, as addicts are incredibly manipulative and as you say, try to blame us for their choices. There were a couple of times I had to ask the police to do a welfare check as I was so concerned. It didn't make me popular but it kept the child safe. I agonised over doing it. There were very few people I could talk to about it because I felt so ashamed and so vulnerable and so lost. It has taken many years for me to learn that I am important too and that I cannot make choices for the addict.
Keep posting, keep reading, keep coming back here. We are all here for one another.
Love and hugs
Pxx
My son split up from both mothers. In my case the mother of the eldest grandchild was also very problematic and that child was on the edge of care for quiet some time - social workers got me involved so that I could provide respite care and because they involved me I was able to provide a lot of information that helped to keep that child safe. The school also liaised with me, and invited me to parents evenings etc. Although her mother didn't want me involved, social services kind of insisted, and the school could see that I was a constant for the child, so wanted me involved. The second mum is incredibly sensible but it took her a long time to give up on my son. But she did and she hasn't looked back.
So in some ways it has been easier for me than the situation you are in. I found it helpful to keep a record of the most bizarre and disturbing behaviour so that I could pass on that information and also reassure myself that I was not mad, as addicts are incredibly manipulative and as you say, try to blame us for their choices. There were a couple of times I had to ask the police to do a welfare check as I was so concerned. It didn't make me popular but it kept the child safe. I agonised over doing it. There were very few people I could talk to about it because I felt so ashamed and so vulnerable and so lost. It has taken many years for me to learn that I am important too and that I cannot make choices for the addict.
Keep posting, keep reading, keep coming back here. We are all here for one another.
Love and hugs
Pxx
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Re: New to famanon, adult daughter on drugs
Hi Gemini, I totally empathise with your situation. I currently have kinship care of my 2.5 year old grandaughter due to my daughters drug habit I had to contact SW on 2 occasions to protect my GD who has lived with me on and off for the past year. She currently been with me on full-time basis since October. Your little grandsons need to be removed from their parents. They do no deserve to live that life, god knows what they are seeing. That is what made me contact SW as my daughter had a seizure and rolled on top of her child who was 18month old. I was there at the time thank god but it has scarred me for life and I will never put my grandaughter in that position ever again. Kids don't get a choice, parents do. I hope social work take it seriously and the kids are removed. Would you be in a position to take them on. I have had to take unpaid leave from my job to care for my GD and currently my daughter is receiving help but the past week or so I have my doubts she is talking it seriously. Like you say the blame will never be the addicts it is always someone else's fault. I get blamed for everything but thankfully FA has saved my sanity and there is lots of fabulous support on here and in the FA meetings so keep posting, your certainly not alone. Feel free to PM me if I can help you in any way I do feel your pain.
Take care xxx
Take care xxx