2020 messed us up, and now he wants to try again?

[Pipper]

Hi all, I'm new here

My ex, who has also been my friend since I was a child, had been sober (alcohol and benzodiazepine addiction) for some time before embarking on a relationship with me.

Our relationship was really good, he was actively engaged in recovery, all was great.

Then 2020 hit. Our area went in to lockdown and all his help and coping mechanisms (meetings, gym, boxing groups, PTSD walking group etc) stopped overnight. We were together when the texts started coming through and it was the first time I'd seen him cry.

He tried. I can't fault him for how hard he tried to stay sober, and to find alternative ways to cope. His drugs counsellor initially was available over the phone, but after a few weeks became unavailable. My ex tried to push on with his diagnosis and treatment for schizoaffective disorder, but mental health services were unavailable, or very bare bones, because of the pandemic.

He tried for months until he couldn't cope with the voices and shadows and highs and lows of his illness anymore and relapsed to self medicate.

We eventually broke up and hadn't spoken for two months.

He reached out to me last week to say that now services are becoming more available, he's getting sober again. He's been reducing, with help from his drugs counsellor, for a few weeks, he's chasing up mental health services again, and actually getting somewhere again. Some, though not all, of his coping mechanisms are back up and running and he's thrown himself full force in to them.

He loves me still, and I love him. He wants to try again and I want to try again with him, but I've never had to support him through recovery before, he was sober when we got together.

So I guess that's what I'm here to ask. How do I best support him? How do I keep my mental wellness while I do?

I'd love to hear what works best for you?

[lesleerose]

Hi there pipper what a lovely girl you are .... This pandemic was truly awful for anyone in recovery as you say all services shut down overnight... your partner seems to be coping very well again and it’s looking good for you both ... Life is full of ups and downs for us all and how remarkable you know that you must look after yourself first ... Coming on here and getting to zoom and live meetings is in my opinion vital for your own well being ... By sharing your experience it helps others in the same situation... I really admire your positivity and strength to bring you both back as a couple in the proper context so well done you ...
If you keep sharing on famanon you and your partner will have a life beyond your wildest dreams your post is truly inspirational
Lesleyrose

[Poetry]

Pipper, welcome. As your partner begins, we hope, to recover, you need support. It is here that we can help. We are all on here to help ourselves cope with a loved one's addiction. Our circumstances vary, but we have that trauma in common.

Your partner seems to have decided to try hard, but I do have to say that success is not absolutely guaranteed, though as Lesleerose says, there are positives here. It sounds as if he has suffered a lot and also tried to cope. Maybe those qualities of endurance and the willingness to persevere will help you both come through.

Do stay on here because, truth be told, you are the priority. Give too much of ourselves over to helping someone recover and we go under. This will be up to your partner. Do not attempt to do too much. Be a loving and reassuring presence for him, but look after yourself. P

[LM66]

Hi Pipper and welcome
My son is my addict, so I cannot share any personal experience with you.
There are other members, who do have an addicted partner, so hopefully they can share with you.
Ive put a link to "CMs" post. You may find some of it helpful, and if you don't, no harm done.


https://famanon.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.p ... fae68bb159

Much Love
L x

[Pipper]

Hi Lesleerose,

Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot.

I can only hope for the best for my partner. He's a good, kind man.

I'm OK with letting him choose his own path and just being there as support. Either as a friend or girlfriend.

He's always honest with me, when he relapses, what he's taken, how much etc. So that helps.

I will try to find the zoom meetings, though I find them very stressful in general. I'll give them a try though!

[Pipper]

Hi L,

Thank you for commenting, and for the link, I'll check that out now.

I'm sorry to hear about your son. I'm glad you have found support here. X

[Pipper]

Hi P,

Thank you for your kind words. I absolutely did go under before the breakup. My own mental health was in the toilet, and I needed a break.

This time, I'm determined to keep myself healthy. I love him, but not enough to set myself on fire to keep him warm.

I'm expecting a relapse soon, to be very honest with you. He's becoming impatient and twitchy, for want of a better word, about how long the wait list for mental health services is.

I guess it's a big ask to expect him to cope with that entirely untreated for however many weeks. His GP has offered SSRIs but they make his symptoms worse.

We'll see, but I can feel it coming, if that makes sense?

Many thanks for commenting and the welcome

[lesleerose]

Yes I know what you mean you can always wait until the meetings open again shouldn’t be to long
If you can keep it all in the day it’s what I have to do with my daughters addiction... I like coming on here suits me and I have received so much help
Lesleyrose