How do you keep going? I'm not sure I can...(lengthy)

[mumx5inuk]

My mum is in intensive care overseas, I'm an only child, it's
very stressful, she had a stroke, she's 93. I'm having to speak
to doctors on a crackly line, making decisions.

The same week as her stroke (this week!), two of my four
children told me that I had ruined/destroyed their lives.
I'm beside myself.

I did decide (along with her father as we were married
back then) when Daughter 2 was 17 to "kick her out" as
I had two younger children in the house and dd who was
17 was using tons of ketamine along with selling
ketamine (a small business that I discovered May 2008.)

DD 2 now says that I destroyed her life by kicking her out
and by doing this I favoured her younger sister's well-being
over DD 2's well-being.

Although I did everything I could, took her to GP, my mum
paid for private counseling. I even went to parenting
classes.

This just cuts so deep I just want to run away and never
have contact with DD 2 again (now 30 and diagnosed
bipolar last year.)

Meanwhile DD 3 told me--same week--in a separate
verbal attack (she is 20 and lives with me, has severe
mental health issues) that domestic abuse by her father
towards me ruined her life, she had no childhood, I should
have handed her over to social services so she could have
had a chance at a childhood.

I wrote an apology, I verbally apologised (also messaged
DD 2 brief apology, "I'm sorry I let you down." I said that
I wasn't able to leave the marriage until DD 3 was 10,
but I rang all the alarms I could; her health visitor sent us
all to family counseling for a year when DD3 was one year
old. I couldn't do any more than I did.

I don't see how I can get past this onslaught.
I tried so hard to be a "good enough" mother and now
2 of my 4 children have told me I ruined their lives.
I'm 60, I've had two different types of cancer and I
just don't want to spend the rest of my life being told
I'm a failure.

Thank you for reading if you've made it this far!

[LM66]

Dear Mum
When we have kids, they don't come with an instruction manual, and neither does life. We all do the best we can, with what we know/have, at any given time. And we ALL make mistakes and none of us are perfect.
When our kids become old enough, there is an expiry date on blaming parents,  they take the wheel to their own lifes, but of course, when things are sh*t, they always look for someone else to blame. I've experienced the same crap from my son. Your daughter of 20, who lives with you, can't find it that bad - she's still there!! Many people with mental health issues, have their own place to live.
This may sound harse, but to me, its manipulative behaviour from them, to deflect from them taking responsibility for their own life. Don't fall for it!
Perhaps you do need to step back, and leave them to it. They are grown ups. They are able enough when they are laying the abuse on you, they are able enough to sort themselves out. Don't let them keep you stuck. You've apologised, you shouldn't need to grovel.
Starting considering yourself as a priority. I used to think, what if I snuffed it tomorrow? My son would go on living his life the way he chooses. I believe your daughters would do the same. No more being the whipping boy.
Sending love to you
L x

[mumx5inuk]

Thank you so much, L! I think part of the issue is that my
children's father deflects any and all negative comments,
so the children know not even to consider criticising him
to his face/via email.

I try to be the parent who actually listens to complaints/
criticisms, but I see now that the current level of
criticism I am receiving borders on verbal abuse and
is not acceptable.

Hmmm.... my children grew up with a lot of shouting/
swearing/blaming me by their father. No more!

[terry]

Hi there mumx5inuk

Gosh, I really relate to your story.
I'm 60 too and so far on this forum I have posted about my daughter who is 31 and a heroin addict since 17. I had to throw her out too back then. I had a sick and elderly mother too who I was caring for.
I also have a son who is 36, different story to my daughter. He went from doing a Physics PHd to a homeless hostel in 6 months 2 years ago, I can't believe it (he has now got his own flat thank God) He is now dying from cirrhosis of the liver cos of alcohol, and also has Multiple Sclerosis.
I suffered abuse from their father who is a master manipulator. I left him when the children were small but he pursued me through the courts and is still causing havoc today. And yet it is me who gets the blame, particularly from my son. I do believe their addiction problems are connected with childhood trauma. But I did everything I could to try and give them a good life, and like you I try to be the one who listens. So I am the easy target unfortunately. It's a daily struggle to not feel guilty about everything and LM66 is right in all she says.
I didn't have a perfect childhood and there was a time when I realised that and had enormous anger towards my parents, especially my mum, but there's nothing that can change that. She absolutely did the best she could, and I saw that it was only me that could change my life. I don't know why I struggle to see that it's the same for my children.
But thanks for your reminders LM66 - gives me strength and clarity to know I'm on the right track
Take care mumx5

[mumx5inuk]

Thanks for your response, yes, many similarities, including ages.
My dd who is 30 it seems will never, ever forgive being kicked out
age 17. She is now shutting me out, saying that she needs to
"protect her mental health" and that my communication with
her is "not authentic." This hurts.
I don't like to say it, but the language she's using feels
manipulative for some reason.
My ex used to do this, he would accuse me of something that
it was impossible to measure.
My "authentic" communication? How to measure "authenticity."
Baffling and saddening...

[lesleerose]

Dear M and Mum
Gosh the identification I am getting with both of you is unbelievable I am 62 one of my daughters has been an addict for over 20 years 7 rehabs later and nothing has changed she is 38 now won’t be long til if not already back on meth and heroin I am exhausted I have no support her addiction split the small family we are her sister a staff nurse is only interested in money and she never speaks to me ... my mother never liked me but hey ho that’s life my father was chief of police a psychopath... so you may understand my childhood was pretty awful ... I took to drink and am now sober 22 years so please don’t blame yourselves for any of this because we are the strong ones we are in the middle of a horrific living breathing nightmare but we are here helping each other it’s amazing what family anonymous brings United we stand divided we fall ... at the moment my blisters have blisters my soon to be x husband has stolen my little granddaughter ( heroin addict had a miracle child ) she is 8 now and I am the only mum she has known we were living in Spain when he started to hit me long story I had the virus over there I brought myself and the wee one back to the UK he came told the social work department a pack of lies I am now in court nearly 2 years later and he hasn’t allowed me to speak to her and she isn’t his parental grandfather .. I adore this child and she loves me so very much .... it is starting to turn virus slowed all up but I am determined to bring her home
Bless you all and ty for listening
Lesleyrose

[Poetry]

Hello mumxfive. Yup. They blame us! Had an email this aft from a friend whose daughter, thirty two, whom I remember at six weeks, saying she, mum, is being blamed for EVERYTHING and daughter (not an addict but in a manipulative relationship) is attempting to poison the fam against my friend. I've been through all this with my addict son and I couldn't give a toss now if he thinks I abused him/did all the weird and perverse stuff he decided to accuse me of while off his sorry head (too grotesque to mention here) and so goodbye to all that! BUT you have to get there, to the place I am and it takes time. Stay on the forum. You are feeling very low at the moment and mum so ill is a sadness for you. A day at a time. Once you have begun the process of realising what they are up to, it will continue. You will come through it. As ever, the others give excellent advice. P .

[mumx5inuk]

Dear lesleerose and Poetry,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, it's
encouraging to hear from others with somewhat similar
difficulties. I am beginning to wonder about boundaries
and self-care. In the past I have "accepted" domestic
abuse, so I am thinking about what a healthier
concept of acceptance would look like.

Hope that you are well and thank you again for writing.

All the best,
mumx5inuk

[lesleerose]

Please keep sharing on here it will help you so very much as it has me this is how we solve the common problem
Lesleyrose

[penny2021]

Wow, I have just joined this group and everything you ladies have just said about manipulation, shifting the blame and the addict a using me of all sorts of childhood trauma is so similar to what I experience on a weekly basis.
I have got to the point of exhaustion caused by my 32yr old daughter with a 15yr Heroin addiction.
By the skin of her teeth she has kept her daughter, after she was born addicted to Heroin.
Social services are involved a third time in 3 yes. She has just been dropped from child protection order to child at risk a voluntary involvement.
My daughter is a very good liar and actress and is clearly running circles around social services.
She can talk the talk and appears mostly OK during all their planned visits.
I have gone from a person who always had a job to someone who lies in bed everyday depressed and I mean depressed anxious and worried sick about everything that I know is going on.
When I report things social services gave to challenge my daughter and ask her opinion and they HAVE to say where the info came from. My daughter talks her way out of it every time, manipulates and lies.
As I am the only one who gets into the house that is not on drugs it us obviously me that reports things.
I have tried everything over the years to get her help, but she dies what she wants anyway.
All I want us fir her to be clean and happy. And my granddaughter to have stability.

[lesleerose]

Hi again honey keep posting on here contact the office they are exactly the same as us we are all equal in famanon with someone am like you it’s my daughter who is my addict because of lockdown there have been restrictions but hopefully where you live they have been lifted and you can get to a live meeting where you will get the help you need it’s to much for us on our own contact the office for information and someone you can talk too .... I also identify with you about the sheer exhaustion you feel and can’t get out of bed
Please take care it’s only for one day at a time and if no one has told you they love you am telling you I do and I truly mean that this is awful what you have been going through but now you are no longer alone
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose xx

[penny2021]

Thank you Lesleyrose I feel a little relieved to have spoken out after all this time and someone else knows exactly how I feel.
Thank you so much Olivia x