First post in the group

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kitty123
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:41 pm

First post in the group

Post by kitty123 »

Hello,

This is my first post in this group as I just joined yesterday.

I have a long term partner who is a heroine addict. He has periods of being clean but always slips back and relapses for sometimes a day or two or sometimes a few weeks, at the moment I believe it’s a few weeks.

I suppose I am just looking for anyone who is a similar situation who can share any advice or guidance around strategies. At the moment I am very angry and fed up of having to look after him like he is a baby (looking after the money etc).

This has gone on now for approx 5 years on and off and I don’t know how much longer I can continue.

Any advice would be really appreciated.
mickey
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:49 pm

Re: First post in the group

Post by mickey »

Hi kitty,
Really good you joined this forum, loads of advice and support on here. I have a very similar situation as yours , my son is a heroin addict and has lived with us for the past 4 years. This isn't my choice but his mothers, she refuses to tell him to leave.
He takes heroin everyday in our house, he pays no rent whatsoever despite working in a well paid job. All she is doing is enabling him to carry on his disgusting habit, I have had enough now and we are going to sell up and go our separate ways. He has destroyed everything I have worked for all my life, I now realise that he will never change. I've had all the empty promises, the compulsive lying, the manipulation and heartbreak. I'm afraid that unless your partner gets the proper help and wants to change, his choice of lifestyle will start to destroy you.
Addicts always blame others and they use this self-pity to manipulate us.
You must set boundaries and nip it in the bud now, you're already being lied to, I guarantee that if you let it continue it will only get worse.
I hope whatever choice you make, things work out for you, just be very careful, the warning signs are there, don't get dragged into a life of hell, it escalates very quickly, you must put yourself first, Take care and be strong, M.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: First post in the group

Post by LM66 »

Hi Kitty, and welcome
I can't share from a partner perspective, as my son is my addict.
Oh I so wish I could offer words of wisdom, but I would struggle to be honest. Unless your partner decides to get clean for good, he will continue with these relapses, and you will continue to be the responsible one.
I guess it will come down to you deciding if this is how you want to spend your life. A partner, who you have to take care of, as he can't be responsible. As long as he is dipping in and out of addiction, and you are ensuring " everything is taken care of", he has no reason to change.
I don't mean to sound negative. My son is also a heroin addict, and I would suggest to any female not to touch him with a barge pole.
Fortunately, he is in prison at the moment.
What Mickey says is so true, Kitty.
There are a couple of gals who have had addict partners, who I'm sure will come along and say hello.
Please take good care of you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
kitty123
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:41 pm

Re: First post in the group

Post by kitty123 »

Thank you very much for sharing your stories, I can see similarities in them both.

It’s a total circle of being let down but for some reason still believing something will change! I have left before and moved out but once he then sorts himself out I forgive him but yet again here we are.

I am sort of hoping that at some stage it will just click in my head and I’ll know what to do.

It’s constant apologies but doing the opposite of what he says he will do!

Micky - I’m sorry it has come to that for you. My partner also has a well paid job and I dread to think the amount of money that has been burnt which could have gone into our family!

Thank you LM - I totally agree with what you are saying and it’s hard to stay positive when it’s out of your control. I hope their stay in prison helps them make the necessary changes
elou90
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:56 pm

Re: First post in the group

Post by elou90 »

Hi kitty123

My ex partner is a cocaine addict. I parted ways with him while he was in rehab in January. He has made contact within the last week to say he wants to apologise for everything then hours later was back to the nasty addict. I have now realised that even if they are in recovery it doesn’t change their personality. I have been through hell and back and totally understand you saying you want it just to click.
It doesn’t click you need to drag yourself out even although your mind is kicking and screaming to stay (you become addicted to the addict). I was happy that once my ex started his crap yesterday I was able to block him in seconds and go back to my peaceful and tranquil like inside of him running riot in the house and emotionally abusing me. It’s not until you step away from the madness you see just how much it’s impacted you. I am a shell of a person I was before I went into the relationship and now trying to rebuild myself.

Good luck. Keep posting on here. It does help x
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: First post in the group

Post by lesleerose »

Dearest kitty
Welcome to famanon it’s my daughter who is the heroin addict for over 20 years now to be honest I don’t know how she is still alive but I know in my heart she died in my eyes many years ago gone is the beautiful 6 ft blond gorgeous girl now she is a complete wreck and a former shadow of herself 7 rehabs later and many thousands of pounds later nothing has changed if anything she is worse and even when she wasn’t using she wasn’t a very nice person with vile language which I found horrific the small family I had have now long gone haven’t spoken to my other daughter for 12 years now it’s a dreadful way to live .. I am now alone but not lonely and thank god I don’t have any more of her drama I can’t live in her world and she can’t live in mine .... You don’t mention if you have any children .... They will become very unwell and so will you one of the symptoms is they always tell lies even when they don’t have too ... Unfortunately the success rate of recovery is very small ... I used to think it was the bad company she kept now I know she is the bad company... your partner will loose everything eventually because the road to addiction creeps up slowly but once it reaches the precipice the fall comes down extremely quickly horrifying ... whatever you decide to do keep talking and sharing on here your problems might not change but you will change
Lesleyrose
kitty123
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:41 pm

Re: First post in the group

Post by kitty123 »

Thank you all for your detailed replies. It really is so ridiculously difficult and I am so glad I posted on here as no one truly understands unless they are living this.

I have given my partner the final ultimatum but I have little faith as I have been here before and I know I will probably be here again!!!

Thank you for your support
yvonn2
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 4:14 am

Re: First post in the group

Post by yvonn2 »

This is my first post and last week I found out from his wife that my son is hooked on cocaine. She is very supportive and they both have moved in our house so we can keep an eye on him. He has been clean for 7 days however we have suggested that he go and get help; however he thinks he can do it all by himself. He emptied his bank account and has no money. He has not left my house in 7 days and is struggling. seems like today he is feeling a little better. he is opening up and saying that he has no idea on how he got into this mess and did not realize how difficult it is to get off this drug. I am hoping that he continues this path as his wife has told him no more chances. She started noticing a big change in him in November and we started noting a weight loss in February, March. I am hoping that someone can give me some advice on what I should do and where to go from here as from what I have read, he has a big chance of relapse without at the very least with help. Any suggestions?.
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: First post in the group

Post by Poetry »

Yvonn

I can only tell my own story which is that my son, unlike yours, never showed the slightest sign of wanting to recover and has not done! He is now estranged. That said, there is always hope that they will see how much damage they are doing, and pull back. Your son's wife is right to say no more chances, and I'm afraid my advice to you is going to be-give him a chance to seek help, because he is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to do this alone.

However, if he does not respond, make sure you understand that your life will be miserable if you give yourself over to supporting him if he fails to make an effort. We are on here to survive the damage done to us by our addicts. I accept that we have to give them a chance but we should NOT enable.

NA does amazing work. I took my son along (I'm not in NA) to a meeting and he was given the most WONDERFUL welcome but he scorned them. He's I think beyond rescue now. Your son may be different and I hope so. Meetings will probably start up again soon. My friend runs an AA meeting in her home town and she is about to open, so you might find NA is the same. There are meetings online and there will be someone ready and willing to sponsor and support your boy, IF HE WANTS IT! P

PS. You might want to start a new thread and yell us a bit more?
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: First post in the group

Post by Poetry »

Yvonn

I can only tell my own story which is that my son, unlike yours, never showed the slightest sign of wanting to recover and has not done! He is now estranged. That said, there is always hope that they will see how much damage they are doing, and pull back. Your son's wife is right to say no more chances, and I'm afraid my advice to you is going to be-give him a chance to seek help, because he is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to do this alone.

However, if he does not respond, make sure you understand that your life will be miserable if you give yourself over to supporting him if he fails to make an effort. We are on here to survive the damage done to us by our addicts. I accept that we have to give them a chance but we should NOT enable.

NA does amazing work. I took my son along (I'm not in NA) to a meeting and he was given the most WONDERFUL welcome but he scorned them. He's I think beyond rescue now. Your son may be different and I hope so. Meetings will probably start up again soon. My friend runs an AA meeting in her home town and she is about to open, so you might find NA is the same. There are meetings online and there will be someone ready and willing to sponsor and support your boy, IF HE WANTS IT! P

PS. You might want to start a new thread and yell us a bit more?
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