How do you survive this?

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V2021
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2021 3:52 pm

How do you survive this?

Post by V2021 »

Hello, it’s my first time talking about this.
I felt like if I didn’t say it out loud it didn’t exist. My husband is an addict, I’m the only one that knows the full extent of his current situation and it’s killing me.
It’s so hard to find excuses to give his family when he disappears to the bathroom a lot of times, why sometimes he stays in bed all day, etc, etc and I feel like I’m helping him to be in denial and of course I am in denial as well, because I’m helping him hide his addiction from the world. He has kept secrets for me before is it my place to uncover his?...
He has been struggling with addiction since the end of 2019. When I first found out about his addiction (during the first lockdown in March 2020) he was smoking heroin. He has tried to stay clean and has stopped before but he relapses within 3/4 weeks. He has even tried to get his GP to prescribe strong drugs saying his back is hurting a lot... but as he grew more and more desperate, he chose to start injecting heroin. He has been using more and more lately over the past 2/3 weeks to the point where he has to buy over £100 worth of heroin to survive one week, he just can’t keep doing this, financially is impossible and it’s definitely not an option, I don’t want to imagine what would happen to us if he carries on like this.

To give you a bit of our background... We met in college I was 17 and he was 18 and we have been together since. Went to the same uni together...We got married in 2016, he had a very good job and I was a university student. A year after our wedding, his parents separated and we moved in with his mum and half little sister who was 7 at the time, to help her out, as his mum is a disabled person. I did not like this idea from the beginning, I just wanted to live alone with my husband, why couldn’t his other brother or his older sister take care of their mum? It was a lot of pressure for him, practically being like a father to his little sister and providing not just for me, but for them as well. He has always put his mum and sister before himself, and I don’t think it’s healthy but I haven’t said anything about that because of the things his mum or family might say if I tried to leave or convince him to not take care of them. In 2018 he quit his job because his boss started putting pressure on him as he started to be late, they even delayed his wages for months saying he doesn’t deserve the money.... I became his mum’s full time carer when I finish my architecture degree to try and help him more with everything and he opened his own construction company later on that year, it was a dream becoming reality being able to work the hours he wanted and spending quality time with us.

Also around this time we got pregnant by surprise, and we had a baby in May 2019, this baby changed a lot in me and I wanted even more now to live on my own and not with his mum and sister. However now we had a son and this time he was starting feeling the pressure of everything on top of running his own construction business, there were a few clients that didn’t pay him saying that he didn’t meet the deadline... this affected him a lot, I could see him more stressed and we started to struggle financially, but I never thought he would turn to drugs. I was completely unaware of his addiction until the next year when we went into the first National lockdown. Because of the coronavirus he stopped having clients, and he took the decision to stop cease the company and we are barely surviving and the addiction has put us deeper and deeper in debt.

Since then it has been on and off as I said before he has tried to stop, he has good days and bad days; and he always repeats that he needs to use to be able to get up and be happy. I understand it’s a illness and he needs professional help; he has been trying to get help for his mental health issues (which I believe are the source of why he tried drugs in the first place, to numb all the worries maybe?) He is getting help and his Gp knows now everything that he is going through finally. The nhs has told him he will start receiving substitutes but he needs to see a doctor first on the 6th of April. we obviously can’t afford private detox and therapies.

I am supposed to care for his mum and he is supposed to help me with our almost 2 year old son, but I am now practically doing everything at home and trying to keep us afloat. I don’t know if I can do this anymore... I feel like I need time for myself and I just want to leave, take my son and run to stay with my parents... I wanted to carry on studying, get a job, have my own house, maybe homeschool my son and now I feel like I’m trapped here with him... I love him but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. What should I expect now in the next few weeks once he start taking the substitutes? His mum has a severe condition and at home we always have morphine, fentanyl patches and tramadol, and I don’t think he has told this to anybody, and I’m scared of him touching those things too. Does this get worse before it gets better? I know it hasn’t even been two years yet since he started doing drive and I’ve read there’s a lot families and people struggling with addiction for decades... but does this mean I will have to live with him like this forever? I do love him and it kills me to see him like this but I deserve to be happy, am I selfish because I think of to leaving him and his mum and sister? I am completely lost 😞 if anyone is going through the same thing do you have any advice?
V.
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: How do you survive this?

Post by Poetry »

V2031 welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have posted, as indeed, it sounds as if you are getting desperate. Having read everything you have said, this does not surprise me in the least. You have come to the right place, because, although we can't give you any answers, and indeed, we aren't experts in either how addiction is treated, or relationships, what we can tell you is that the rest of us are on here because we have had to learn to protect ourselves.

I think that those are your instincts, too, in posting, although you show a very touching love and regard for your husband and have a deep understanding of where his addiction might have originated.

You are right that reliance on drugs and alcohol sometimes begins with life problems, and mental health issues, but then it becomes the problem in itself, which it has in your husband's case.

Some people think that addiction is an illness, whereas others regard it as a choice. I think that it is a choice which makes people ill, and having become ill, they should then take the cure. That is plenty of help on offer for addicts. There is far less help for people like yourself, and the rest of us, trying to cope with it and come through.

It is entirely possible for your husband to choose to get well. AA and NA are marvellous fellowships. There will be plenty of support, even in lockdown, via their online meetings. The GP can also help as you suggest, from the pharmaceutical end.

My suggestion to you would be that you outline to your husband all of the choices which he has in order to start the slow process of Recovery.

Meanwhile, there is a baby involved, and your son should be your absolute priority. I also think that you know this?

It is inconceivable that you have ended up being the primary caregiver for your mother-in-law. No disrespect to this lady, who obviously needs care, but this should never have fallen entirely upon you. Even if your husband were not an addict, why on earth would you be continuing to live with family, when you could be independent.

There is a lot more that I could say, but I'm going to make two points. The first is that if I were you, having realised what I have realised, I would start to take control. You need to get away for a while. You should arrange that. It's a tricky situation with your husband's mother, but you need to explain to him that you too have to survive.

If you don't start to come through this, then Heaven help the little boy, because your husband is not taking responsibility for his role as father at the moment.

I think we all suffer from the illusion that we can get our addicts better. We can't. Only they can do that.

My second suggestion is that you read our backstories on here. Of course, there are plenty of success stories out there in the world, so don't be overly disouraged, and remember that addicts can make it, particularly I'd have said, in the early stages.

On this forum, there are some recovering addicts and alcoholics, who are now posting from the perspective of dealing with someone else's addiction. These people are proof positive that it can be conquered.

What about your career? I am sure that you feel a passion for architecture, and you are young enough to be able to factor in, in the future, some really fulfilling work. Remember how important this, too, is.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on. This all takes a long time. Always remember that we are on here in order to survive our loved ones' addiction, and that is our prime purpose.
P
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: How do you survive this?

Post by LM66 »

Hi V and welcome,

What a awful situation. You must feel pulled in all directions.
You're too young to gave all this crap on your plate. What about your needs, wants, dreams? They matter! You matter! Your little boy matters!
Did he have addiction issues before the end of 2019 V? To start off using heroin, is odd to me, as from my experiences, it's a progression to the "hard stuff".
I tend to find, that keeping secrets, adds stress on yourself. You have enough of that, caring for his mother and raising a son. Who cared for her before you were flung into that role?
I do feel for your husband. It's been a stressful time for him also, but, many people have stress and hardship in their lifes, and don't turn to heroin. It's good he is seeking support. NHS has always had limited resources, despite the fact addiction is a massive issue in todays world.
My son is also a heroin addict. Up til now, the only time he has any significant clean time, is when he is in prison- where he is now. He was released last May, with no support in place at all, so of course, an inevitable relapse, very quickly. That may have happened even with support.
There are other potential situations that can arise through your husbands drug use - the people who supply the drugs, want their money! And they don't give a sh*t where or who that money comes from. What happens when he can't afford to pay? He is dragging you into a world that you really don't want to be anywhere near. So whilst I truly understand that you want to support him, you have to ensure the safety of yourself and your son.
It may be an idea to go to your parents with your son. Of course, this means explaining why. Keeping addiction a secret, only creates more issues. You may find that more people are aware than you think V.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
V2021
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2021 3:52 pm

Re: How do you survive this?

Post by V2021 »

Hello again

Thank you P and L for taking the time to read and comment.

I do love my husband to bits, he was my first and only love. I can’t picture myself without him, I haven’t met or had any other relationships, and sometimes I feel like maybe spending some time by myself before getting married to him would have been better. BUT he convinced me, and it’s my fault for believing in him. When we got married we moved in with his parents and he said maximum one year and then we can get a place for the two of us, that during that year we will be able to safe money and be more comfortable.

I think since the beginning he had attachment problems specially to his mum and sister. His mum has always said he is her “protector” and “her favourite”, so he has in his head that nobody else cares about her. The story of his mum is another long story... as his parents were separated before when he was a kid and probably that’s when the attachment with his mum started. Then his mum married to a guy that turned out to be something different than what everybody thought and tried to take her half sister away... there was years in court, and he feels almost like he is his half-sister’s dad. Then his parents remarried a few years before we got married but when we moved in with them I could see there was something going on... and eventually they just couldn’t do it anymore. I was spending most of my time at university because I still had my final year to finish, so I wasn’t really spending too much time in the house ( I tried to stay away as much as possible, since the beginning I have always felt uncomfortable living with other people, I can’t say that they are evil because they have treated me like as if I was their daughter always; and that’s why when it came to speaking up I felt and still feel like I have to pay them back)

He is the second of 4 siblings, his older sister (30s) has a son (so at the beginning this was her reason for not being able to care for their mum) she has lived more or less away from the family for years, he also has a younger brother (20s) that is still living with his dad, and then his half sister. His mum has had a chronic conditions for years before I met him but she has had some difficult times as there’s some liquid accumulating in her neck and more... apart from her long term condition she is been dealing with spinal problems that affect her using her arms and balance. She literally can’t do anything at home, she can barely care for herself to the point where she needs help in the shower. And I am 100% sure she also suffers from some sort of depression and other mental health issues, but she has always refused to take any sort of therapy saying he has her family, so her problems are never addressed and have trapped my husband into a life where he can’t leave his mum because she is too vulnerable in his eyes.

About what L asked, the start of the addiction... 🤔 his mum was a heavy smoker, she smoked cigarettes all through her 4 pregnancies and she stopped in 2012. But before she stopped my husband was a passive smoker all his life and then he was actively smoking during secondary school, not just cigarettes but marijuana too; he tried to hide it from me when we started going out and when I found out I told him i didn’t want to be with him anymore and he stopped completely. He started working, focused on his education we went to the same uni, he graduated and had a good job... but I guess getting high was always on his mind. Before we had our baby, his brother started smocking marijuana and he tempted him, he smoked for a few weeks and then “he stopped”, I was too pregnant to catch up on that and I thought he would stop like last time. Also thinking back a few years ago, there was a time where he went to collect his mums medication and he said he lost it. At the time I wasn’t suspecting anything and as he was working in several places doing maintenance jobs I genuinely thought he lost them because his work car used to be a mess. I remember we had to go through a long process for her Gp to prescribe the medication again because they are controlled drugs. So maybe this is when he started with the heavier drugs and because he saw that the doctors wouldn’t give his mum extra medication just like that, his possible free source didn’t work out; and indeed it was like mid 2019 before I caught him smoking the heroin. Now if I think about it, this is even more worrying because even if he stops the heroin he might try to do it again with his mums medication and this time they won’t just prescribe them again without proper investigations. Should I tell his key worker about his mums strong medication and possible relapse because of this?

Lately, I feel like he is using more and more, and I’ve been told by an advisor from the nhs place he is getting help from, that it’s better if speak to him when he is not high but because he is using more and more often I don’t seem to get through to him to talk. I’ve been reading, thinking, researching and making a list of things I want to talk to him about. This things are all life changes that need to happen in order for me to start heading to where I want to go in life because ultimately my son has nothing to do with anything above and he is the main reason why I wake up everyday and why I want to get out of this vicious cycle. It’s going to be so hard but I think I’ve lived for long enough putting other people needs before mine. And if I don’t put myself first I’m gonna also have a mental breakdown and the last thing I want is hurt my son because I wasn’t strong enough to make the big decisions; and when I think of the quickest option which is separating my biggest fear fear is causing my son the same troubles his dad had to go through during his childhood 😣

Even now that he knows he has a date where he is going to see a doctor and hopefully get prescribed substitutes, he doesn’t seem to care, it’s like as if he is trying to do use as much as he can before stopping, and I am not sure wether this is a sign that he might not actually to get better? He just left the house a few hours ago and left me in tears because I wouldn’t transfer him money. I know where he is going and I know I need the money to pay things for the house and to feed my son. I changed my phone and card pin and froze my card so he has no way to get money unless he asks friends or family and that might involve questions that he doesn’t want to answer. If he doesn’t get any heroin in the next few days it’s going to be like hell at home. And I am not really sure if I can get my dad to pick me up because from where I was reading online you can only form a support bubble if your child is under 1 but my son is almost 1 and there hasn’t been any physical abuse for me to say I’m running away from a life threatening situation. ☹️ I think the worst of this is yet to come...

Thank you again. X
Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: How do you survive this?

Post by Paulette »

Dear V

I am so sorry at what you are having to deal with. You are so right to put yourself and your son first. And it does sound like you are right on the edge. Which is hardly surprising.

You sound like a really thoughtful and kind person. You've reviewed your situation and found it to be worse than you originally thought. And what you originally thought was already grim.

From your description I'd say this is domestic abuse. Domestic abuse need not be physical, and the danger may not be immediate. And the covid regulations don't apply if you are being abused, (see https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-ab ... o-get-help). So for example, one form of abuse which you've been subjected to, is, from all you have told us, is that you've been gaslighted: here is a definition:
"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that's seen in abusive relationships. It's the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them". The lies, the moods, the broken promises...Is it a normal relationship to freeze your card? Well done for doing it though!

This may sound like a crazy idea, but I'd invite you to read your posts as though you were your son. Because I think he'd say something like "mum, please, it doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter what went before, my dad is lying to you and he is manipulating you and so is the rest of his family and they have been doing so for years, and right now I just need you to keep me safe and well" That is all that matters - that you are well enough to care for and protect your son.

The existence of other strong prescription drugs in the household is another red flag for me. Addicts will do pretty much anything for their next fix. So yes, there is every chance he'll steal it. You could tell his key worker, but his recovery isn't yours to do - it's his.

You've had years of this. That makes it so hard to take action, but you will, when the time is right for you. For now, keep posting, keep reading, consider ringing the helpline and finding a group to take part in. You are not alone. We are all here for you. This has been an absolute lifeline for me and it can be for you too.

Sending love and hugs
Pxx
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