Is it possible to trust again?

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MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Is it possible to trust again?

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello to everyone! I am new to this all. I have never thought that I would have to deal with anything like that.
Around 10 months ago I met a wonderful guy online, he and I are from different countries. He is from the UK and I am from Ukraine. I was suffering from a very painful break up and besides that I finally started feeling good after coping with anxiety and panic attacks. This guy was just perfect, I have never felt so much care. And yes, even if we have never met each other in real (we would if not this Covid) I felt that he can be that one.

He was open about having depression in the past and I was ok with that since I know what it is to suffer from mental health problems. In some time he started having problems with losing work due to Covid, having lots of stress. He said he has bad depression and I was trying to be there for him. But he was isolating, avoiding communication and saying that its all due to depression and I shouldnt take it all personally. I knew that something was wrong: he has lost weight, didnt look good, had lots of sleeping problems and financial problems.

And finally when I asked him several days ago if everything is ok, he has opened up and told me that he is using drugs. I was shocked. I have never even tried to smoke, never used any drugs. And now this. I couldnt believe it. But he said he wants to stop doing it (he was taking cocaine, tried it 5 years ago and used it when his depression was bad. Then he stopped it and didnt take anything for two years).

He is having drug debts and his mother refused to help him. She just has blocked him. She was helping him in the past. His parents are divorced.
He tells me that he wants to stop doing it, he has made a referral to the drug counselling. He is going to start it but only in 2 weeks or so. He says he cant buy any drugs even if he would want it, because he is in debt.

I also have contacted his father. I made it behind the back of my bf, because I cant do anything, I am far away. I wrote him a letter, asked him to help him with a rehab or something like that. He knew his son was having drug problems in the past, they have met and looks like his father will give him money in a loan. He said that his son is going to have counseling, will contact his mental health doctor.

But I am just going crazy here. First of all I am still shocked with this news. I am scared he will die, he says he was taking cocaine only but is it possible to quit it? I know its a stigma but is it possible to really quit it?
I dont know if I will be able to trust him? I am worried about him all the time. When he is not answering the phone I have all bad thoughts. Its not my responsibility but I am scared for him. Why cant I just leave him? I know that its a natural thing to take care of myself and just to “run away” but I cant… I cant leave a person in a problem.

Are there any online meeting groups for those who want to stop using drugs? Can it help him?

I am sorry for my letter being all emotional and maybe not too rational. I also am not a native English speaker so I am sorry for all my mistakes.

I just am very frustrated and stressed. Thank you for everyone who has read it.
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Is it possible to trust again?

Post by Poetry »

Marina

Your English is fantastic. You express yourself beautifully, and everyone on here will understand.

I understand your predicament. You have met someone online, and of course, it is possible to fall in love, but the problems of the physical separation are making it very difficult for you to to get any sort of an understanding of where he is with the drugs. Again, the physical distance makes it painful for you because you cannot be with him in order to make any assessment of where he is with the drugs.

My advice to you in the main is to be extremely careful. I think that there are dangers inherent in the situation. There are dangers inherent in ANY situation where someone is involved with someone who is taking drugs, but without your being able to see this man, and to witness his behaviours possibly 24-hours a day, you are vulnerable to being manipulated.

I think that you were wise to contact his father. However, what is interesting is that his mum has refused to help him, having helped him in the past and has now blocked him. Many of us on the forum will have reached that point with our addict children. Believe me, it is the point of no return.

Please do not send your boyfriend any money. He is his own responsibility, but if there is any hope his
father might want to to monitor the situation,To repeat, I think it was wise to contact him.

There is help for addicts in this country, and you say that he has made a referral. We also have Narcotics Anonymous, which you will have in your country to. Before the pandemic Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous were holding meetings in village halls and churches and so on, and have now gone online. Your boyfriend can contact them. All he has to do is to type the name into a search engine.

You say that it is not easy to leave him, and imply that maybe he will be able to deal with his problems. At the moment, you don't know.

The situation, to be perfectly honest with you Marina, does not sound particularly promising, but if there is any way that you can cope, then you might want to continue to do so, but remember that addicts tell the most terrible lies and are entirely convincing. They will attempt to get money out of you by using all manner of devious means. Again, please be aware of that.

They are excellent manipulators. My son manipulated his dad and me for quite a few years, during which time, we were seeing him face to face and picking up the states that he was in. He had a long distance relationship with a girl in America, whom he married just before he finally went off the rails. Like you with your boyfriend, she didn't see him at his worst, kept on loving him, committed to a marriage, and then on their honeymoon he went on a drug fuelled rampage. What happened to her is still one of the saddest things that has happened to me in the whole of my life. She was completely innocent. I warned her. She didn't listen. I suppose that is what love does..

You take care. We are here for you. Love P.
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Is it possible to trust again?

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello dear P,

Thank you very much for your reply. Thank you for taking time and thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Yes, rationally I understand that I am not able to fully understand the problem when I am physically not close to this person. Even though its always possible to hide things.

His father and his mother are divorced for a very long time. Due to father’s words he and his ex wife were helping his son with money before. I am not going to send him any money (I did send him some when he has lost his job and I was a fool, I wanted to help him myself. It was not more than 30 pounds per time, I even dont know if its possible to get a doze for it). I feel horrible for sending him money in the past and realizing now that he may have used this money not for food but for a doze. I for sure am not going to send him anything, he’d better starve than get drugs, at least I think so.

His father has told me that its way too expensive to put his son in a rehab. I just dont understand how is it possible to quit any drugs all by himself.

I am still in a state of shock, I know that I have to take care of myself first, with my mind I understand it and with my heart its harder.

I am sorry to hear it all about your son, I cant even imagine what you were going through. I am very sorry.

Thank you one more time for your kindness and for answering me, I appreciate it a lot.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Is it possible to trust again?

Post by LM66 »

Hi Marina

You sound as if you have good awareness that there may be more to the situation than meets the eye. Especially, since you haven't met him in person. He tells you what he chooses to.
Private rehabs are very expensive, and the waiting lists for NHS ones are horrendous. Home detoxes are available, and addiction support is also available. He can ask his GP to refer him. Services are working differently due to the covid restrictions. As Poetry said, the support groups are available online for now. I would have to agree with you, that he needs some support, to quit.
You are wise not to give money, and remain mindful that addicts can be very manipulative. Tread carefully Marina.
Take care of you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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