Best way to help an addict.

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shan1601
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2020 1:16 am

Best way to help an addict.

Post by shan1601 »

Hi all.
I need some help or some advice on what I’m supposed to do.
My partner of 9 years, whom I have a 6 year old with, is a horrific cocaine user. His nose bleeds heavily on a regular, he’s paranoid, he earns a good wage but never has anything, he’s violent towards me, smashes our house up, I’ve had to come out of work on occasions as it’s dinner time and he’s not woke to our daughter, so now I have to find alternative childcare whilst I work.
I have tried EVERYTHING I can possibly think of, I’ve asked everyone around us for help and I just feel like I get nowhere. He refuses to see a GP or anyone along those lines. I’ve tried locking the doors to the house during the night as this is when he’s meeting drug dealers outside my home. Spending up to £100 a day on it sometimes.
I’m struggling massively as my own family live 100 miles away so I am completely absorbed by this addiction with no escape as due to covid I cannot travel to get away for a while.
Such a long post, I apologise, but I just hope somebody has some form of light to the end of this tunnel I’m in as it feels never ending.

Is it time to cut my losses and leave for good or has anyone found that an addict is worth fighting for? I love him so much but it’s too hostile now. I’m terrified of his comedowns in case I get hurt by him or in case my home gets damaged. I asked him to leave the family home, which he did for 6 months, then came back promising he was clean. However, this is not the case and in the last week he’s used £2000’s worth of money to fund this habit.
I’m exhausted. Xxx
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Best way to help an addict.

Post by LM66 »

Hi Shan

It is very difficult, nigh impossible, to help someone who doesn't want help. Your partner must want change, or everything is pointless. The life you are living now, will get worse - and it sounds bad enough!
I think when children are involved, it is a different ball game. It's not a safe or healthy environment for you and your little girl to be in. From what you've written Shan, he does not want recovery at this time. You could (and probably have done) flog yourself almost to death, and it won't make a difference.
Living with someone in active addiction is horrendous. You've experienced this, and continue to do so. It makes you unwell, physically and mentally. You deserve better, as does your daughter.
Would he leave again if you asked him to? Would he cause chaos even if he left? You need peace and time away from the madness. Time gives you the opportunity to gain clarity, and decide what is best for you and your little girl. If your partner wants to be a family, let him show you by his actions, not words. Words are cheap.
A partner should enhance your life, and he is most certainly not doing that. He is placing you and the little one in a very vulnerable situation.
Take good care
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Best way to help an addict.

Post by lesleerose »

Dear Shan
My heart ❤️ goes out to you with this constant nightmare.... it is in the FA book why addicts seem to have the most loving caring spouses ....
As L said this is not going to get any better and unfortunately recovery is very rare ... It’s my daughter who is the addict she is 36 now and it all started when she was 12 with aerosols progressing to heroin coke street Valium etc .. like most of us on here I tried every possible to the nearly impossible to help her unfortunately it has not worked 7 rehabs later some I paid for some were free didn’t make any difference so eventually Famanon helped me to let go which was so very painful but when your having a relationship with drugs or drink you can’t have a relationship with anyone else as the addiction will always come first ... I am a recovering alcoholic 22 years now but this stuff with my once beautiful blond haired gorgeous girl is now a shadow of herself this year alone she killed herself with an overdose it took 3 shocks to her heart to bring her back ... if I paint a picture of despair it is because that is exactly what it is and was ... I couldn’t change my girl but I could change me especially in Famanon where people loved me until I could learn to love ❤️ myself .... I haven’t seen or spoken to my girl since she stole £150 from me yes I fell for it again just the same as all of us ... please keep posting on here find out more about this life changing fellowship what have you got to loose because this is the hope you have been looking for
Bless you
Leslee
shan1601
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2020 1:16 am

Re: Best way to help an addict.

Post by shan1601 »

Hey, thank you both for your replies.
It has been a manic couple of weeks, full of lies and disappointment. However, I had my first virtual therapy session yesterday with a support worker for “concerned others” of drug addicts. It went super well :D.
I feel I’ve finally come to the realisation now that I cannot save a man who does not wish to be saved as awful as that sounds. I no longer feel guilt for caring more about myself and I understand I am not selfish for deciding to cut him out of my life to protect myself.
I think it took for an individual from outside the situation to speak to me and confirm what I already thought I kne, to finally have the light bulb moment of realising he gave up on me, it is not me giving up on him.
Sending huge love to you all, thank you for your kind words and support 💗
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Best way to help an addict.

Post by LM66 »

Hi shan

It doesn't sound awful at all, that you have realised your own worth, and that you deserve a life free from the chaos of addiction.
We can lead a horse to water, but we can't make it drink!
To continue to accept and live with his lifestyle choices, would only make you extremely miserable.
I'm so pleased that "light bulb" moment happened for you.

Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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