Hopes dashed again

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lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Hopes dashed again

Post by lesleerose »

Dear jmj
I feel your pain but you have to do what is good for you and walk through that awful barrier it’s always darkest before the dawn ...It’s not your husbands friends that is the problem he is the problem .... alcohol comes in bottles alcoholism come in me ....
If your husband is going to meetings as they are back on now in most areas or zoom this is a terrific sign you don’t say if this is his first meeting he will be very afraid for he is at the point where he can’t live with or without alcohol.... This forum isn’t about him it’s about you and your emotions.... Let him go to his parents because it will give you some breathing space for you...
There is a very beautiful program on offer which will give you a life beyond your wildest dreams it is a design for living your circumstances may not change but you will change and be able to face whatever life throws at you.... My marriage has failed 2 years ago almost and I have spent this time apart working on me and where I have to change as ... I refuse to enable his controlling ways as all he has done is put down the drink still very much sick with the dis - ease of addiction.... whatever you do keep sharing on here and if you can get to some live famanon or alanon meetings it would be absolutely brilliant....
The most wonderful thing I found in the fellowship is me and I am still learning and i love it ... At last I am free and at peace with the world and i won’t let anyone take that away from me...
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Hopes dashed again

Post by Poetry »

What is interesting is that Leslee can give everyone the benefit of her experience of two fellowships, this one and the AA fellowship. In both of the fellowships, the emphasis is upon reclaiming yourself. It's not about the addict, in the case of famanon, or anybody else in the first instance, in the case of AA. if we don't survive the damage that the addict does to us, or the damage we do to ourselves, then we're failing in our duty.

I was desperate when I came up to the forum 3 years ago. I think that even if I hadn't found the forum that night in May 2018, I would have started the process of living my life free of my son.

Your husband can recover without you. Put yourself first.
If he wants to make a full recovery and eventually claim you back, then so be it. Recovery is, for every good reason, a selfish process. It has to be. People realise that they cannot possibly go on as they have been, and still sustain their human lives. They get out. As Leslee has shown, it can be done. Otherwise, (and it's a brutal truth), it's death, actual or metaphorical. Sending love and support. P
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Hopes dashed again

Post by lesleerose »

Thank you poetry absolutely spot on no matter what fellowship in this case famanon it has to be 100% selfish you MUST put yourself first and I obtain this peace from my daughters addiction on here ....
This is the finest fellowship in the world with the highest entrance fee ....When the addict comes to the jumping of place death insanity or wet brain you really don’t want to be around you can get of the bus at any stop you don’t have to get off at the terminus ... It is worthwhile noting the Performing addict gets worse never better as the dis - ease is progressive therefore it’s the only illness where the patient must treat themselves because either side of the fence fam anon AA there is very little understanding from outside ...
I am what is known as a double winner for both sister fellowships Have given me so much peace ...The paradox is I can only keep it by giving it away but I can’t give away what I don’t have .... The members on this forum have recovery in abundance and they have a wealth of information which allows them myself included to live in peace and detach with love ..
Not an overnight job though as many would agree ...
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Hopes dashed again

Post by LM66 »

Jmj

Change can be scarey, as we can't guarantee the outcome. One thing I can guarantee you, is that there is no price on peace in your home, and in your own mind.
You know you can't continue your life, as it is - it would only become worse. That is guaranteed!
Love what Lesleyrose said about "getting off the bus whenever you want, you don't have to wait til the terminus". Think of it this way Jmj, if you did wait til the terminus, your husbands issues will have progressed, and you would be emotionally, physically, financially spent - and then some. This could be an opportunity for you and him, for a fresh start. However, as Poetry stated, this is about you! You're husband must seek the support for himself, and be comitted to the work that is involved. You must let him do that. Distance and time can also bring clarity. When you aren't "in the thick" of the chaos, it's amazing how differently you think. Allow yourself the gift of "time out". Find yourself and enjoy being "just you". When we have an addicted loved one, we lose ourselves. I know I did. I was just going through the motions of life, which is such a waste!

Much Love
L xx
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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