Completely heartbroken

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MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello to everyone!

I was writing here a post some time ago. I am from Ukraine but I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from UK. We were together for almost a year. And two months ago he confessed me in using cocaine. I didn't beak up with me, I have written an email to his father with asking him to help with placing his son in a rehab.

My already ex bf was in a horrible debt, he was in a danger. In the end his father has agreed to pay it all and also agreed to pay for his rehab. So my bf went to rehab on the 25th of April. He was in a relationship with me, we were thinking of seeing each other in real, he was telling me I was his "rock" during all this horrible time with police, drug dealers, calls to Frank and so on. Then he went to rehab and they get their phones there only during limited periods of time. I was ok with that, but he was calling me less and less. And two days ago took away his status of being in a relationship with me from social media. And then adding some girls to friends list.

I was having anxiety and I realized he is interested in someone else. I was miserable and humiliated. But after talking to him on a phone yesterday he was trying to lie but in the end confessed that yes, he has a crush on a girl from rehab even though he doesnt want to be involved in any relationship during his rehab time and time of recovery.

I myself was suffering from anxiety disorder and panic attacks. But last year was amazing for me. I was doing so well. And now all my anxiety is back, I am feeling used, betrayed, lied and I just dont want to live. I dont know how to cope with such situation, I feel so much of pain and I dont know what to do.

I was scared and shocked of the news my bf using drugs and he asked me to wait for him after rehab. But now... I am all broken. Maybe I am reacting in a silly way but if someone has any tips or advice how to go through such crisis, I will be very thankful. I am so sorry for this post. I just dont know what to do.
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by Poetry »

You poor girl. You need to get free of this man. Sorry, but he is the problem and the nastiness of his actions-(relationship status altered and so on), is appalling long distance as it's hard for you to make a proper assessment. I can tell you that like all the rest of us on here, you are being manipulated and damaged. Don't stand for it. You have no control over what this man does and he does not sound at all committed to recovery.

If your poor mental health is attributable to this relationship, then I suggest that you seek whatever help there is in your country, even if this is confiding in family and trusted friends, and begin to build your confidence again.

If you leave this relationship. thing will improve for you. You sound as if you deserve MUCH BETTER.

In your place, I would be getting out now. We often hear partners say how much they love the addict, but believe me, eventually there is nothing left to love. They are abhorrent.

I remember your first post and thinking that your situation is impossible. What do you like doing? What helps you to relax, engage with the world, with people? Do these things. Life with an addict is no life at all. "Do more of what you're doing and you'll get more of what you've got." "P.
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by Poetry »

PS Marina-we are always here. Whatever you decide, do feel that you can post. We understand! P
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Thank you so much for your reply! You cant even imagine how much it means to me. On my Birthday 13th of May he said he loves me, misses me and needs me in his life and then on Saturday he deletes his status of being in relationship with me. Ithought people should be concentrated on other things during rehab, not on starting having a crush but ah well.. I think its impossible to believe drug addicts. I have been manipulated and the way he was even breaking up with me... not in a mature way, like I was some garbage after all the stress he was causing me, after all help I gave to him... Of course there is no way back, I need to have self respect. And for sure there is no future.

I was so good with my mental health and now I am so scared I will get back to being so bad as it was couple of years ago. I am going to talk to a psychologist tomorrow and might start taking antidepressants. I am just feeling so stupid and used. When he was breaking up with me he didnt even mentioned that he owes me money. Its not about money for me of course but just the fact... Not even a thank you.

I still am shaking and I just hope this pain will be gone. Thank you for being so kind to me. I think I needed to speak it out and to share it with someone. Addiction is a horrible thing, I believe some people do heal but its very scary. I dont really believe in God but maybe there was God who saved me from the future in which I always would be worried and feeling insecure.

Will this pain be over? I really really hope so.
Thank you again for reading it, thank you so much. I am so thankful there are kind people in this world.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by LM66 »

Massive hug to you Marina.
Don't feel stupid, feel relieved that you can be free of such a sh*thead! He is NOT a nice person, nor is he someone that can enhance your life. Kick him to the kerb!
I know you feel sad and heart broken, but that will pass Marina, I promise you. Speak to the psychologist, and if you feel you need medication to help, do so.
The most important thing is to block all contact with this person. He is a player and a user, in my opinion. He will do the same to any female that comes into contact with him.
You deserve MUCH BETTER and there will be someone made, just for you, but whilst you are entangled with Mr Nasty, you won't be able to see the good ones. And there are lots of good ones out there.
Block, ignore, and concentrate on yourself. Do things that bring joy to your heart.
Another big hug for you!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Dear L,

Thank you very much for your reply. I couldn't even imagine I would get so much of support in here. In the beginning of our relationship everything was so good and I felt so happy. But when he started using and hiding it from me things cracked. I am broken because of course he has "chosen" someone else, I dont know if relationships of two addicts are possible, but thats not my business. But I think he has ended up our relationship when he has made a decision of starting using drugs.

I will try to do my best to take care of myself. Its hard for me because I do have anxiety disorder and its hard for me to express my emotions, they all get expressed with body: shaking, trembling, panic attacks. But you all are right, I have to concentrate on myself.

I have deleted him from all social media because it hurts for me just to see him. He has told me that it was our last conversation yesterday and that its for the best. So I doubt he would even have a courage to contact me. And I don't need it. I need to remember through what hell I am going through now and that I don't want to feel this bad anymore.

I wish I would just know when I would start feeling better.
Thank you all again for all your help and such kind words. I understand that there are good people in this world and that kindness really does exist.
I am hugging you all! Thank you! I am endlessly grateful for all your words!

Marina
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by LM66 »

Any time you need to express yourself, pop in here too! It's a place where people do understand how you feel. Some of the gals have broken up from addicted partners - they "get it".
The saying " birds of a feather, flock together" comes to mind. Addicts seek other addicts. Leave the both of them to it!
You will feel different as the weeks go on, and you will get your confidence back.
You mentioned self respect - yes, you have this. Don't let anyone treat you as an optìon Marina.
You are WORTH IT!
Take good care of you
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by Poetry »

Marina, me again, LM is SO RIGHT. Just keep it to a day at a time, and you WILL heal gradually, but there will be tough days and times when you doubt yourself, Keep right on. We have all, on here, been made to feel like this by our addicts, but it does not last. Let it take as long as it takes and accept that you do not know how long. We are delighted to be able to help, just as we were helped when we joined.

Do be strengthened by our telling you that this relationship had to end. You are SO MUCH better than this man thinks you are. He did not deserve you.

If you feel bad, send me a PM and I will respond. Sometimes it is hard getting through the day, and is affirming to know that others have walked this path before you and that you do get there in the end. Love, P.
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello to everyone again! Thank you L and Poetry! It felt so good to be able to express my emotions. I still feel bad and I have never felt so heartbroken but I think its for the best and for some reason I needed this experience. I just feel so stupid in trusting that person so much, in believing because we did have a close connection. And at the same time what could I expect for when I am on such a long distance. Even though he was even saying he would move to my country for me and because of me.

I think that new crush for him is some sort of a drug too. Its like a fresh start, flirting and ofc no thoughts about problemsz endorphins of falling in love. I just hope I am not going crazy from thinking about it all so much. Its hard to keep distracted.

I will try to be strong. And there would be no future I suppose. Just for now after being so heartbroken it seems to me that there is no future for me either. That I am not needed for anyone and will be alone. I just want to have a hope but I dont see it. Hopefully its just a temporary feeling.

Thank you all one more time.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by LM66 »

Marina,

The way you feel is temporary.
Break ups are hard on our hearts. Many years ago now, my sons father left me for someone else. I remember how much that hurt. I had to deal with my own feelings, and keep things stable and "normal" as possible, for a little 4 year old boy, who struggled to understand why his daddy didn't come home anymore.
I remember feeling as if my life was over! Who would want me, with a little kid. Well, I chose to stay single for many years, and it was bloody marvellous! I got over that hurt, and enjoyed life with my son.
In time, I met my now husband. We've been married 11 years this year.
The most important thing is, to enjoy your life. Things have a way of happening when we least expect it.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Dear L!

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I think maybe it all would be easier for me if not very hard relationship before this and if not me suffering from anxiety disorder since 15 y.o. But break up is hard for everyone I think. I think I was in some codependency since I got to know this news about this already my ex bf using drugs, I wanted to help, I wanted to rescue person. I wanted to do everything for him because I knew myself how hard it is to be on the lowest with my mental health.

For now nothing makes me happy but I think time will heal. And it helps me writing here, I don't know why. I can't tell my parents I was helping a guy from another country with money, I just cant say that. He did give me money back from time to time when he was not using, when he was trying to work.

One thing that bothers me is what he said a couple of days before breaking up with me during audio call: "I don't need any negativity right now when I am in rehab so lets better not talk at all. But I will need you on Sunday when I get out of rehab because its going to be the hardest night for me". So basically he was flirting with other girl there but still was going to hide it from me and use me as an "emotional painkiller" after he goes out of rehab?

With my mind I understand its all over, its better for me, I need to take care of myself. And at the same time I am scared he will text me on Sunday and I wont have strength not to answer. Even though I think its more me being stupid thinking he would ever text me again after talking to me like I was some garbage. I was not texting or calling him during his rehab, I was giving the person time because they have rules when he can call. So I for sure am not some hysterical person.

Is it wrong of me at least wanting him to say thank you for all what I was doing for him?

Well, at least he is not dead and I hope I was able to help. No matter how badly he has hurt me I am happy he is alive. I just need to learn being happy myself.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by LM66 »

No, it's not wrong to want a "thank you" Marina. Sadly, addicts are so selfish, all they think of is their own needs and wants. They believe they can pick you up and drop you like a hot potato, whenever they feel like it.
What we need to learn to do, is to let go of having any expectations of our addicts, for they will never be realised. Having expectations leads to disappointment.
You seem a kind and loving person, who has had a rough time. Give yourself time to heal. And heal you will, even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
It may not be something you want to do, but if I were you, I'd block his number, so he can't attempt to contact you, especually if you think there is a chance you may respond. Take yourself right out of his firing line.
Addicts will latch on to whoever they can, to meet a need. Don't allow him to do this. You are worth more.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello to everyone!

I would like to ask for some sort of advice. It has been two months since my ex and I broke up and slowly I am returning to my normal life. I spoke to him more than a month ago and since then I haven't had any communication with this person. Last time he was telling me that he is concentrating on his recovery, he got out of rehab and is attending different meetings, Cocaine Anonymous and is working with his sponsor on the 12 steps program.

I still am going through some pain but the question I have is that my ex owes me some sum of money. For me it's a big sum, I am from another country and well, it would be really helpful for me to get that money back. I was talking about it with him more than a month ago. I have suggested he pay me back not the whole sum back at one moment, he doesn't have any job and I understand he can't pay everything at once. But he does get unemployment payments and was looking for a job. He has told me he is going to send me something on the 25th of June... Well, I haven't received anything... One month is gone and still nothing...

I am not sure if I should contact a person via email and remind about his debt?
Should I leave him alone and just to accept the fact that I have been used? Maybe just considering it being my big lesson in life and thinking about it as some sort of charity?
If the person is recovering from drug addiction isn't it about him taking some responsibility for his actions and debts?
He owes me around 450 pounds. It would be very helpful for me to get that back...
I already am destroyed by this person emotionally but should I remind him about myself?

In my mind if a person has some sort of responsibility and decency then no reminders are needed... At the same time even if I really am angry and upset with this person I don't want to provoke this person for taking drugs because of me causing any stress by asking for my money back.

Sorry if this all sounds complicated but I have no idea what I should do. Should I just forget about it, should I defend my rights and ask for money (but I have no low rights for getting money back, I wasn't forced to send them so...)?

Thank you for reading it! Maybe someone had the same situation or at least something close to this situation. I would really appreciate someone's advice.

M
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by LM66 »

Hi Marina

In all honesty, I think you can kiss the money goodbye. He has no intention of paying you back, in my opinion.
You could email him, but I wouldn't imagine it would gave any effect at all.
I know it would be great to get the money back, but if I were you,I'd cut my losses, and kick his ass into touch, forever.
You concentrate on yourself, and building your life back up. You are a compassionate and caring woman, and are well rid of this selfish man (I'm being polite).
Take good care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on.

Much Love
L xx
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
MarinaNa
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:01 pm

Re: Completely heartbroken

Post by MarinaNa »

Hello L,

Thank you very much for your reply and for your emotional support. I think I can say goodbye to money or just hoping for some miracle... Since I was feeling so used I wanted to defend myself at least somehow but... If person would have some dignity I think I would already get at least something.
I still am thinking whether I should write to this person or not since I am worried it might create some emotional reaction in me. Maybe in some time when I am ready but... Not sure.

Just hard to understand how someone can be such a good actor and manipulator. Hard to accept the fact that I have been so wrong in a person. Maybe I am a way too naive person or very trusting, I don't know. I still want to believe in kindness and in good people. I wish him to recover and maybe one day to pay all his money debts not to me only but to his parents too.

I have never thought I would have to deal with drugs, but even from this distance I understand how harmful it is. Its a horrible illness that breaks hearts and lives.

Marina
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