Newcomer - Living with an addict

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Midlands25
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2022 8:19 pm

Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by Midlands25 »

Hi all, I’m new here and looking for support. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. He has been sober for 5 years but has relapsed Several times using cocaine. He used to drink heavily at the weekends take cocaine and not come home , steal money , lie about his whereabouts all the time. This got worse over time and I put up with this behaviour for 24 plus years but always put our children first. It was often a relief when he didn’t come home or feel asleep. When he was sober he was a good dad and husband but he changed when he drank and took cocaine.
By the time our children were teenagers and our youngest was 4 I had lhad enough and did something I thought I’d never do I asked him to leave or get help after I woke to get ready for work and take the kids to school to see him passed out on the sofa soaking in his own urine and covered in blood after another Weekend bender! For years I felt like I needed him and couldn’t live without him , I didn’t want to be alone and missed him when he didn’t come home. I thought this was normal and made excuses for him. People thought he was a laugh it was funny and made comments like “how do you put up with Him” all the time I was working hard to keep things normal for the children by building a secure family home myself and our children. No one ever really knew the real man I lived with. We never had any money and struggled for years , little did I know it was all being spent on drugs. He made me feel guilty and often turned it around on me when I caught him out.
That day he went to a group and got clean , everyone including myself was so proud of him and for a few years he was back on track. Then one morning he moved out without a word why … then admitted he had relapsed. After a few weeks he moved back home and got help again and I supported him. Trusting him is always so hard , he has put me and the children through so much yet I’ve always stuck by him And supported him Through it.
Over the last couple of years his behaviour changed and I saw the signs red flags but had no proof. Money went missing , odd behaviour , moody and frequent job changes. He distanced himself from friends….there were so many other signs.
But now I’m here as a few weeks ago my world came crashing down again.
I found out he borrowed money from our now adult children… owed a lot of money to people for drug debts and had stolen from us and and had been doing so for the last couple of years! Although this was a shock it was almost a relief to know I wasn’t going mad. After a tough few days we talked it through and He is going to group 3 / 4 times a week and doing his 12 steps. He has a sponsor and is seeking help and Support. He assures me he is trying to change and get better. But I’m struggling , I feel betrayed , hurt , lonely , sad and stupid. I’m trying to help and support him but I need to look after myself. I feel like I’m Waiting for him to let me down again after 24 years I’m tired of pretending it’s all ok. I guess I’m looking for someone in a similar situation. I’ve become so anxious and I’m awaiting for an appointment to talk to someone myself.
Thank you for reading.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by LM66 »

Hiya Midlands.
I don't have personal experience to share with you, as it is my son who is the addict. What I can share is that I would NEVER have him live under my roof again, for all the reasons you've mentioned about trust. I would feel I was forever waiting on the sh*t to hit the fan.
We're all different, and for me, once the trust has gone, it's gone for good. Especially when the trust, has been betrayed in such a massive way, as your husband has done - I would not be able to overcome that.
Good that he's seeking help, but it doesn't mean that everything is swept under the carpet, and you've just to get on with it. It doesn't work that way. Recovery is more that abstaining, and only time will give you clarity.
Maybe you have reached a point where you just don't want to live that way anymore. I would most definitely concentrate on yourself, and what you need/want in your life - he may or may not be part of that. Keep to your own side of the street, and leave him to his.
If you call the main office, they may be able to advise of zoom meetings, if there is no face to face near you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Midlands25
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2022 8:19 pm

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by Midlands25 »

Hi ,
Thank you for your reply. What I am finding hard is part of the recovey for them is about it all being in the past. He often refers to this but I’m struggling and I can’t forget any of it. I am trying to overcome it all in my own head. And Now my children are old enough to know and understand it has made it harder to accept as i sheltered them from his lifestyle for years. I hope by speaking to others I will overcome my doubts , fears , anger and hurt. As his wife of over 20 years I made a vow and understand addiction is an illness however it doesn’t make it any easier for me or many others like me. Living with an addict is hard , partly because many people are unaware of what’s going on and what your dealing with and you end up feeling alone. I feel ashamed to tell friends , family who just wouldn’t understand etc…
Any advice is appreciated , I hope your son is seeking support and you also have the support you need. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by lesleerose »

Dear midlands
Your husband is not responsible for being an addict but he is responsible for his own recovery
This is co dependency and a nightmare for you
You think you have protected your children but they pick up more than you realise
I am in recovery for 23 years now remember your husband knows how to press your buttons as he installed them
You can go to Alanon they are fantastic for you regarding the alcohol problem
We are very manipulative people
I come on here for my daughter who is an addict for over 20 years now
Famanon has taught me through the 12 step program how to detach with love
Just my thinking but I feel as though LM is correct here the trust has gone
With your children grown now it is now maybe time for you it’s never to late to start again
I am in the middle of a terrible divorce Covid making it very difficult because the courts are so back logged
I have also recently been diagnosed with another illness on top of the ME
To be honest am shattered trying to save everyone because I can’t
I am here alone but I have peace which cannot be bought I have worked very hard to get here and no one is taking this away from me
Yes I am alone but not lonely because of people here on famanon and AA also recently got 2 amazing cousins back in my life
You can’t fix him you are powerless over people places and things you can only fix you
Yours in fellowship ....also if your husband goes to meetings he knows we all live in the day so he is bullying you with the past ...
I recommended a book on here called co dependant no more by melody Beattie
Lesleyrose
Midlands25
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2022 8:19 pm

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by Midlands25 »

Thank you for your reply. I am trying to be strong for everyone which some days are more difficult that others. Maybe I stay because I believe he can change? Can an addict change ? Will he relapse ? How many more times will we go through this? I have So many questions… it’s easier to stay and I do love my husband but I don’t like who he is when he turns to drugs and chooses this over his family! Im wondering how others in this situation cope?
Any advice appreciated.
Thank you for the book recommendation I will take a look. I hope you find health and happiness.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by LM66 »

Hi Midlands,
Some people manage to sustain sobriety and some don't - that's thd simple truth.
Will he sustain? Who knows. Will he relapse? He might. You don't know the answers, as they are future based.
What you have to decide is, are you willing to risk it? You have the right to live your life without any more chaos in it. Your children are adults, and will make their own minds up about their Dad. Your husband knows what to do, if he wants to have a life with you.
I would suggest trying the groups, as Lesleerose had suggested, and stick around the forum. Live your life - just for you. Do things that give YOU pleasure. You can't put the key to your happiness, in someone ( husband) else's pocket.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Newcomer - Living with an addict

Post by Poetry »

Midlands, welcome. The best advice I can give you is to stay on here. I read everything which LM and Leslee have posted, and between them they have given you such a lot of insight.

Having read your post, I can't help but feel that you've gone through hell on stilts. Please try to put yourself first.

Yes, it is possible to have all the sympathy in the world for someone who becomes an addict, and we're all human, and so there but for the grace of God, but Leslee knows exactly that the addiction is an illness, but the choice to recover is the addict' s choice, and it is possible.

It is my oldest son who is the addict. He doesn't live with us and I haven't seen him for three-and-a-half years. Despite having a wonderful, reasonably privileged and loving background, a fantastic brain, university education, beautiful wife and brilliant career, he has thrown it all away. So be it. We can't go on forever supporting them. I do really hope that you stay on here. You will make friends and and feel so much less alone. P.
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