Bail Conditions

[ShellV]

Hey everyone,
Sorry but I feel like I only post when there has been a drama with my son but I do try and respond and I take comfort and support from reading all your posts.
My son is a drug addiction and it has been a roller coaster for the last 5 years, he has been through lots of homeless accommodation and petty crime but a couple of months ago he was given a flat which we once again helped him set up. He has been saying all the right stuff and sporadically engaging with social workers, however he is still using drugs, he has an interview for rehab next Tuesday. On Wednesday evening he phone me and my husband crying saying he is due a drug dealer £500 or e was going to be shot, we have heard all the excuses and have bailed him out before but we are not this time. He has a tag so cannot leave his house between 7pm and 7am but he phoned all night and turned up yesterday morning at 7.30am out his face asking for money, we opened the door 3 times and said he was not getting any money and he was not getting in while inder the influence as he has wrecked my house twice before. He then became aggressive banging on the door and screaming at the window, my husband wanted to go out and deal with him but I refused to let him go as that would have escalated in to fighting. I had to call the police again as did my neighbour and they took him away. I said to the police I don't want him to be able to come near my house as I am scared of him, they said we had to press charges for them to do that, I didn't want to do that but we had to decide there and then so we agreed (not sure what the charge is), I feel crap for having to do this but I am fed up living in fear and really stressed out by it all. Sorry just wanted to get this off my chest

[LM66]

Hi Shell,
I've had to do the same, a few times with my son. He's in prison at the moment.
It comes to the point where you have to back off, and protect yourself. What you have shared is a carbon copy of mine and my husbands experiences, on more than 1 occasion.
You have done the right thing. Your son needs to know that enough is enough, and a line has been drawn. If you don't take action, it just keeps happening, and that is no life at all - been there too!
Your son can't control himself, nor keep himself safe, when he's out his face - so getting the police involved helps with this. You and your husband also need to feel safe, and have peace of mind, that he's not going to turn up at the house again.
He'll get charged with BoP probably and he's breached his bail/tag conditions.
Sending a big hug. You'll be fine. Just breathe out and enjoy the peace. He's safe where he is
Much Love
L xx

[ShellV]

Thanks LM66 for your reply, I know it was the right thing to do and do feel a sense of relief that he cannot just turn up at my door but I also feel bad at having to do this to him. He got out the cells this morning and phoned my husband saying he does not want to be our son anymore and wants us to complete paperwork to do that (he is adopted) we told him if he feels like that he needs to arrange it. I have such a mixture of emotions but am fed up of him blaming us for his problems when we have tried to help and get him help only for him to go back down the same path. I hear people say oh I would give my life for my child and then I feel guilty but I don't know what else we could have done or could do. Just such a waste and loss for him and for us

[LM66]

Those people have never experienced their child being an addict Shell. It's a whole different ball game!
I've heard all that too! If only they knew eh!
There was nothing else you could have done. Not a thing!
My son has often said " you don't have a son anymore" . Let's face it, they don't behave as a son should, or treat us as a mother! A son doesn't threaten to chop you into pieces and set you on fire!
The guilt will pass Shell. Stick with it.
Much Love
L x

[ShellV]

LM66 you are so right and thank you for the reassurance we have done the right thing, it is really appreciated

[lost77]

Hi ShellV ,

I am totally with you on this and for what its worth I would do the same.

Sometimes when it feels very tough I just look at all I have done previously and how not only did it not stop the addict but it escalated what I tolerated and I became very unwell and life was totally chaotic and unhappy. All the lies, manipulation and emotional blackmail for money wore me down to exhaustion.

Setting boundaries on what I will tolerate these days is crucial. If I don't have those then where does it stop, how much of a dangerous position do we put ourselves in? also Mine would have me bankrupt if I let him.

Sending a hug of strength
Take care
Lost x

[Poetry]

Our stories are all the same, with some minor differences The nonsense which you hear people talk who have never had to deal with an addict is extraordinary.

"My son or daughter would never behave like that. I'd always know if my son was into drugs. My mother's Instinct would tell me. I know that he won't let me down because I raised him. I would never ever check him out because he's always got a home with me." And on and on and on.

Under no circumstances would I give my life for that of my addict child. Mine is worth more. There we are. Imagine people who have not been through this reading that. Imagine the outrage! P.

[lesleerose]

Hi shell I so identify with you it’s my daughter who is the addict over 20 years now
I helped her get a flat took her shopping for food buying good brands ( trying reverse psychology ) if I get her the best she will in time go back to wanting the best it didn’t work …
She stole she screamed she postituted herself I was running all over the city looking for her she would call from the top of a building saying she was going to through herself over …
Eventually I got her into 8 rehabs or treatment centres some I paid for others the health services paid for financials i was in trouble ( paid back now ) hey ho she walked out of every one of them ….
In between all of this I found famanon and it’s beautiful program of recovery it has saved my life and my sanity yes you did the right thing even though with every fibre of a mother’s body you want to save them but I can’t I am completely powerless
On here this forum I have met lovely people and no longer enable my girl to use whatever I have heard from her once in over a year
And that is fine by me
Bless you in fellowship we are all the same when our back is against the wall and on fire we come on here to vent our fears and frustrations that’s how it works we help each other
Lesleyrose

[ShellV]

Lost77, Poetry and Lesleyrose thank you for your replies they are very much appreciated.

This group keeps me sane and helps me through tough times.

I have realised I need to let my son (however hard) be the one to change his life, he is the only one who can do that and after five years on this rollercoaster I need to look after me as the stress takes its toll.

Thank you again xxx

[Poetry]

You are RIGHT!

I hope you keep in touch on here and let us know how it's all going. P.

[Victoria50]

I am new to this forum and have no advice. It comes across that you love your son and have done all you can to support him but have to look after yourself. Take care of you, I am thinking of you

[lesleerose]

Welcome to famanon Victoria I hope you are well everyone is the same on here if you have someone close abusing substances or addiction you are welcome
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose

[ShellV]

Thank you all for your kind words, very much appreciated xxx