Time to walk away

[Silver]

My son has been taking Cocaine for years and for years I have bailed him out paying off debts, his rent arrears etc trying to help, last year he hit an all time low and I had to get him out of where he was living, he was either going to end up in prison or dead, owing money to dealers etc. He moved in with me and my husband in August 21, we lived a distance away, it was a fresh start and he secured employment. We accessed support via NA and at first he seemed to be doing well was not taking anything, he had so much debt which I was trying to sort out with him as his credit score is so bad things were going okay.

Then from December the lies, the disappearing, the constantly asking for money started. I ended up going with him sat in the car whilst he paid dealers, I didn't trust him to do it alone, it was frightening but I was also scared that dealers would find out where he was living and didnt want to put me or my husband at risk.

Fast forward and not to bore you but he finally moved out last week into a house share I provided so much support food, household stuff etc to give him a good start. His wage goes into my bank account so I can make sure the rent is paid and pay his child maintenance to ex partner, he cannot manage money at all, if he has it he spends it, I even provided an income and expenditure book for him until the end of the year to try to help. I paid his bills and transferred the rest of his wage to his bank account telling him how much he had each week, really basic stuff, hoping that he would manage his money for the month, this didn't happen within 24 hours he spent over £300 that was the money for food etc for the month, he also owes more money to a dealer, he didn't last one night on his own.

My husband is not a well man has had cancer twice and struggling to cope, I'm angry and frustrated with my son, this should have been a fresh start for me and my husband, my son ruined yet another day asking for money constant desperate phone calls, in the end I blocked his number. His dad has washed his hands of him and also blocked his number. Whatever happens we will not allow him to live with us again, the last 8 months have been so stressful.

I feel that he has made his choice in life, he has lots of information of where local support is but doesnt want to give up drugs, I feel that by allowing him to live with us, by keep helping him I am an enabler for his life style choices, if he ends up on the street or worse maybe only then will he make the deicsion to get the help he needs, I can't do anymore. The worse thing of all is that I am a professional who works with really vulnerable people and other statutory organisations, even with all my knowledge my son is in the same situation as those I try to help.

I'm 2 days now with no contact from him, I desperately want to ring him to make sure he is okay, but know if I do, I will be drawn back into him asking for money and his lies, so know that no matter how hard it is I can't ring him, I feel guilty knowing that he is in a mess again, but I don't think I am helping the situation. My biggest fears are that I will get a knock on the door telling me that something has happened to him or that dealers turn up, if they do I will be ringing the police. Its the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, will tonight be the night, living like this is not good.

I know no one can help, I know its his decision to take drugs, I am so sad that it has come to this, thanks for letting me share my story.

[kee700918]

Dear Silver
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
This forum is a great place for support. There are many on here having been through situations like yours, reading old posts is very helpful. Letter from an addict, the book and leaflets, you can also phone the helpline.
I'm off work just now, spoke to the Dr earlier and have started counselling too. The stress of addiction really takes its toll on families. One day at a time.
Keep posting, sending hugs.

[LM66]

Hi Silver,
I so relate to everything you say. I've experienced it all too.
You have absolutely done the right thing to protect you and your husbands, sanity, health, well- being, finances and your home.
It is heartbreaking that we have to take the steps we do, but so very necessary, or we go down the tubes. Our sons would leave us bankrupt, and not blink an eye. All they think of is their drug of choice, and money to get it.
This forum is a good place to gather resolve and strength.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Hello Silver.

Our stories are all the same story, though the details differ slightly. I identified with everything in your post, although my son never lived with us. It is inconceivable that anybody could have had better support than he did, from my husband and me, his two brothers, sister-in-law, an ex wife and a wife at the time who loved him dearly, and many fantastic friends, but he responded to none of us.

We were all abused, betrayed, stolen from, lied to and gaslighted. In the end, enough was enough. I feel guilty about nothing and neither should you.

My middle son is a good man. He's a sergeant in a major police force. His constable was driving him and his team back one day from an operation in the north of the city, so they were in the police vehicle, when the constable saw a couple of guys walking with intent, hoods up and clearly looking for trouble, so she decided to stop the van and search them. Just as he was getting out of the back of the van, my son recognised that the one of them was his brother. Fortunately, the constable decided she didn't have sufficient grounds to begin a search, and so they all got back in the van.

According to his wife, that incident really shook my lad. For me it was a watershed. I think it's one of the most abhorrent things I ever heard happen. Talk about Brotherly Love.

Never doubt that you are doing the right thing. Work on your relationship with your husband, and enjoy some good times together. P.

[Silver]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and kindness, I can't express enough how much they help me to stay strong.

It's the not knowing that he is okay which is the hardest thing, but I know in my head that I have done the right thing by cutting off contact and support for his addiction, my heart well thats a different matter but one I will deal with, I've tried to put my emotions in a box and carry on with my life it's time to put me and my husband first.

This forum is so helpful in realising that I am not alone - thank you.

[Silver]

Dear Silver
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
This forum is a great place for support. There are many on here having been through situations like yours, reading old posts is very helpful. Letter from an addict, the book and leaflets, you can also phone the helpline.
I'm off work just now, spoke to the Dr earlier and have started counselling too. The stress of addiction really takes its toll on families. One day at a time.
Keep posting, sending hugs.

Thank you Kee for recommending "Letter from an addict", I found this so helpful, it confirmed that no matter how hard it is, that I am doing the right thing by cutting off the enabler to drugs for my son. It also made me smile, I too have tried so hard to protect the family name and is one of the reasons it has gone on for so long, if I hide it its not happening.... xx

[lost77]

Hi silver ,

I am just catching up with some posts and I am a little limited in my ability to type atm butI just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone .

I blocked mine for a long time because he just couldn't / wouldn't stop with the messages for money . Despite my asking him not to message etc .

I still periodically block him when I feel its in my best interests , for example I am having surgery next week and he will be blocked . He can ask others how I am if he choses to. Its sad but unfortunately through past experience I have learned he looks for times of vulnerability and what seems like an innocent message soon escalates to money requests and emotional blackmail.

Things have got better for me with time and I feel my boundaries are feeling stronger with the help of FA , the forum and a belief in a higher power (albeit tested frequently). In the earlier days of removing myself and taking the focus off the addict it felt much more shaky.

I also feel less need to "check" on him . I used to do this alot and it didn't help my situation at all , just made me ill.

Also like yourself mine is fully aware of all the help out there ( I gave him pages of opportunities for help some I said I would pay for, some free) . He hasn't committed to any of them . I am accepting that just for today the is what he choses to do and it has to come from him if he wants to change.

Sending you best wishes

Take Care
Lost

[Poetry]

Lost, all the best for your surgery next week, and do let us know how you are. This is a big priority for you. Get yourself into the correct psychological mindset, if there is such thing, and I hope that the outcome is a success. P. X

[LM66]

Hi Lost
I hope all goes well with your surgery.
Put that protective bubble around you,and keep it there for now.
Much Love
L x

[lesleerose]

Dear lost I so identify with you it’s my girl who is the addict and it has got better with time here on FA
My girl addict has also been in quite a few rehabs treatment centres some I paid for some were supported by the Local authority
I am also waiting to go into hospital for a procedure in June I think …
I also used to go look for her or try and make contact just left me feeling so ill I don’t bother now she walked out of all the treatment centres as you say wouldn’t or couldn’t
Please take care as poetry says to get the mindset for the hospital which is what I am trying to do ..
Not being well sleeping a lot it’s been a tough few years for us all
Bless you all in fellowship
Lesleerose

[lost77]

Thank you all for your lovely messages and encouragement .

I am sure I will be back on top form soon after this next operation, and I am so grateful to have a place here where people understand some of the hard decisions we have to make for our own health and sanity.

Take Care All and sending healthy wishes to all of us

Lost x

[Tired]

Take care Lost. Hope all will be well for you. Xx