Scunnered..

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LM66
Posts: 2383
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Scunnered..

Post by LM66 »

Hi All,
My son is being released from prison in 3 weeks. I'm actually gutted. I wanted him in longer! Would it have made any difference to him - I don't know, but it sure as hell would have made a difference to me. I would have known where he was, and that there was no chance of him turning up at my door on Christmas Eve! I don't think he will, but you get what I mean, I don't even want the possibility of it happening playing in my mind.
I visit him when he's in prison, and we try and repair our relationship. He gets out, and it all goes tits up again. It's wearing. It's boring. I cope with it, but jeezo, I wish this crap would sod off.
I know I could completely ignore him, block him forever, but I'm not there yet. His father seems to be, which is fair enough, as he went through a massive heart surgery, and the stress of our son is not healthy for him. Plus, his wife doesn't want our son anywhere near their kids - I 100% get that! So, his dad just cut him off completely, and I'm left with it. Maybe the time will come when I do block him from my life. Although I completely understand why his dad done it, I know I am slightly resentful of him doing so. I know I carry this despite fully understanding his reasons. It's like yeah, f*cking leave me to deal with this as you always have! I don't want to be resentful - it's ugly - I'm sure I'll let it go, but for now, it's there. I don't have to deal with it either. I could walk away!
Who knows, maybe that will come.
Just letting my thoughts out, to people who I know, understand!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
lesleerose
Posts: 1359
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Scunnered..

Post by lesleerose »

Firstly thanks LM for your honesty
I think you are answering your own question ie nothing changes if nothing changes
I can only tell you what I did .. my addict daughters dad died of an alleged heart attack what it didn’t say that it was brought on by chronic alcoholism and smoking he was 42 my addict girl was 6 … According to my addict girl this was the thing the excuse she gave all the time and I tried do hard to compensate.. he used to buy her trainers so of course me buying her trainers became very very important to me buying her 2 pairs instead of one to ease my guilt and her suffering and of course it never worked I couldn’t have put it into those words then and my own recovery had started … Then she said in her early teens her trainers were the most important thing in her life it would have been less painful if she had stabbed me … and although there was no malice as her drug use wasn’t in full swing my god I felt it but I couldn’t magic up a dad for her ….
His family turned their back on her pretty quickly as she was a very demanding child even then … of course I was resentful at him dying and his so called family not stepping up …
But as I know we are powerless over people places and things
Maybe the time has come to let go because this is not your fault you didn’t cause it you can’t control it and you can’t cure it …
Iknow it’s easier said than done and when I let her go
completely part of me died… but you know LM it has made me stronger I promise you that …your boy could die in prison or out of prison but your experience has shown you when you try to rebuild your relationship with your son .. when he comes out you are on that downward black hole getting worse every time …
You are not abandoning him you are letting him go with love
Whatever you decide to do I am always here for you and others I know your pain so well .. it could be me tomorrow I haven’t heard anything from my addict daughter in months but I did tell both of my daughters if you end up in prison don’t expect me to come visit because I refuse to go there
Please let us know how you are
Yours with hugs 🤗 and love ❤️
Leslee xxx
Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by Paulette »

Dear LM

You are such a wise person on this forum and your posts have brought me so much comfort since I joined. You will get through this but it is going to be hard and it will take time. We are all here for you.

My son was released half way through his 5 year sentence and inevitably re-offended and went back inside and I was relieved. Like you, I know where he is and I find that helpful. I don't visit. I can't bear it. He rings from time to time and sometimes I answer but only when I feel strong enough. I have written twice. I dread him being released.

I say all this because I totally get your feelings. You will work out what you need to do - for yourself. In time you may decide to let him go completely with love. I haven't got there either. But if he ever turned up on my doorstep I would not let him in. I have explained to him that my insurance policy on my home would be invalidated if an ex con were staying. It's true. Check yours because it might also be the case. In some ways it is a cop out, but it has the virtue of being true. He told me a while back that he'd resented this for years (boy can he hold a grudge!) but then he and other prisoners were told by one of the officers that many home insurance policies are invalidated by their conviction and so many family members may well refuse to have them live there.

As you know, this is a safe space to vent. Keep venting. Keep stomping. Yes, you will cope and you will get through but it is so f'ing unfair.

Keep posting. Keep venting. You don't always have to wise all of the time. You can be angry and resentful and we all know you are also wise.

Being the mother of an addict is f'ing awful. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. And most of the time I live a decent life. As do you.

With love and hugs
Pxx
LM66
Posts: 2383
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by LM66 »

Thank you ladies.
Oh there is no chance that he will ever step foot in this house ever again. He hasn't been back, even for a visit, since I evicted him years ago. He also knows that should he turn up at the door, I call the police.
I hadn't physically seen him for 18 months, before he was incarcerated in June. Saw him once in 3 years as I refused to visit him when he was actively using, and had yet another crazy girlfriend. No thank you! I had txt contact and the odd phonecall.
You just get to the point where even that can be too much, so I block him when I've had enough. I always become a target for his abuse when he's using, and I have let him know, that I won't be tolerating it should he start his crap again. I actually don't like the person he has become and have no desire to be around him, nor those he associates with. I have no doubt in my mind, that the cycle will recommence when he gets out. He's already said, he's going to concentrate on making money - we all know what that means! Dealing! If that's the case, I will most definitely not be around him. I want NOTHING to do with that lifestyle. He minimises what he does, as if nothings wrong with it! He doesn't realise, nor care, the impact his drug use and attached behaviours have had on me. Not 1 clue!
I've maintained lines of communication open with him over the years, as he doesn't have any other family (apart from his dad), and I suppose I wanted him to know that I was there! Not that it's done a jot of good! Maybe I do have to "cut him loose" for good. It will most definitely be high on my very limited list of options. Infact, it's really the only option left open now, which is sad, but I will not be dragged into his crazy world again.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
2splendourangel
Posts: 161
Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:45 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by 2splendourangel »

Dear LM It must be a big headache for you with the imminent release of your son and it will be so near the Christmas time as well. As you mention in your post it is most unlikely he will turn up on the doorstep and he knows the boundaries you have in place and the police will be called if he arrives there. Try not to get too anxious about it and make yourself ill. It is okay to feel resentful that his dad has been able to let go of the situation and hate to say it many men behave that way although if he tried doing anything especially after major heart surgery who knows what might happen. It sounds like your son detoxes in prison which proves he can do it if he wants to, I know many people who have had sons in prison and even one or two women who have had husbands in jail on short sentences most of the ones with sons in jail have told me about how rife the drugs contraband in jail is one women telling me her son almost died when using spice in jail and had a bad accident so going to jail was not an answer to his drug problem. I think more government money should be put into real rehabilitation for those coming out of jail so there is not the constant "revolving door" syndrome where they are out one week and then back three months later, if there is no rehabilitation then where is the bloody point of jail it means nothing. Several years ago I remember one jail putting prisoners coming to the end of their sentences on a scheme with a well known gas company doing a few months work with qualified gas servicers and some of them had jobs to come out to which is better than not using their sentence to do something constructive. LM you are one of the strongest on this forum and always have words of wisdom you will get through this and know you have always walked the right path it is your son who chose a lifestyle that he felt suited him and sadly he did not put your feelings about what he was doing as a priority and like you said he has already told you when he gets out he wants to make money so he already knows what he will be doing. Keep on living the life you have built for yourself the life that you deserve not one filled with drugs shit and crap. My daughter has gone really quiet since the youngest child was placed with the adopters end of August, I phoned her a few times just wanting to check she was okay but calls went unanswered so I have stopped bothering. I have not seen her but have heard from two reliable sources she has been seen so at least I know she is still alive. I better not get started about her only to say look where her drugs and associates got her hope she thinks it was worth it rather than life with her kids, Take care. 2Splendourangel.
lesleerose
Posts: 1359
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Scunnered..

Post by lesleerose »

LM yes I agree more money should be provided by the government for treatment centres prison is no good for addicts non at all …
The sad thing is your son sounds like a very intelligent boy with the planning on making money albeit dealing and stealing same as my addict daughter… now if they were to use those skills for the good they would have very worthwhile legal jobs but unfortunately the unacceptable has become acceptable
Yes you are one strong lady and your posts have been life saving for me and my sanity
Bless you in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Tired
Posts: 217
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: Scunnered..

Post by Tired »

LM66

You are highly respected on this forum. You have always given me sound advice.

I feel for you with your son's pending release, and , inevitably has triggered stress you can definitely do without.

I often think everyone does the stress ever go away?

We are here for you, as you have always been there for us.

Xx
LM66
Posts: 2383
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by LM66 »

Hi Tired
It's more annoyance than stress now. Unlike years ago, when my anxiety would be through the roof! I'm bored with anything related to addiction. Give it a flamming rest is what I think.
If he wants to continue down the same path, that's his choice, but I am having none of it.
He can sod right off!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Paulette
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:29 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by Paulette »

Exactly! Well said!!

Pxx
lesleerose
Posts: 1359
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Scunnered..

Post by lesleerose »

I totally agree am dukin bored to tears with it
I am going to try and not think of it tomorrow ( it is less anyway sometimes I go through a whole day and it doesn’t enter my mind ) that feeling of impending doom has gone just for today thank god
Bless you all with peace in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Poetry
Posts: 1408
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Scunnered..

Post by Poetry »

So much love and support on this thread. I really feel quite emotional writing this, because as I've said many times before, I came on here, one desperate, sleepless night in May five and a half years ago, and it sometimes feels as if I was guided here. I'm not particularly religious of superstitious, but I do have a spiritual side, and I have a strong sense that something was going to help me that night. It certainly did.

LM, on here, we understand everything which you are saying. You have been so courageous going to see your son in jail. I don't mean that as a slur on anybody who feels that he or she cannot do it, because I tell you, I wouldn't visit my son in jail, but just to say that you have, as a phrase goes, gone that extra mile.

I totally get what you mean when you speak about that slight irritation that your ex partner has cut off all contact with your son. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think that's a sign of emotional exhaustion. You can see that your ex partner has, certainly in his present circumstances, every good reason for making that decision, but you still feel that resentment. Even the strongest amongst us get frayed emotionally and so maybe that is worth thinking about....

I know that, like me, you enjoy the sensible preparations for Christmas, although not everything which is going on commercially at the moment is in any way sensible, but you know what I mean!

You will protect that at all costs, and concentrate on making your home look lovely, as you've described to us in the past, and having a tranquil family time.

We are Team LM! 🤣😂. Love P.
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