New Poster. Longtime reader.
New Poster. Longtime reader.
I’m not quite sure where to start this. I have a partner who when we first got together, was perfect. Kind, considerate, generous, loving, but about 12 months after we got together his drug habit reared it’s head. Since then, it’s been about 2 and a bit years of the same cycles; going on week long binges every couple of weeks, and leaving me to clean up the aftermath, missing work, getting fired, asking me for money cause it’s all been blown elsewhere etc. Gets so out of it that he gets hallucinations. Lies about taking it when confronted (which to his credit, he has gotten better at admitting it recently). Used to drain our joint bank account until I transferred all of the money out and took control of the bills. I used to come home every week to the door being jammed shut with a pole due to paranoia, and the house looking like it had been ransacked where he’d convinced himself that there was wine hidden somewhere. It’s been me begging him to stop (as we had decided that we were trying for a baby) for 2 years now, and there have been 2 times where he’s been clean for a month or thereabouts and for that I was so proud. I got pregnant last year, (but unfortunately lost the baby early) and I thought that would change it, but if anything it got worse. I’ve begged him to promise to stop taking it so that we can build a future together that he says he wants all the time, and I want to, hence me begging him to change, but it’s been 2 years of begging, sleepless nights, crying and panic attacks (me) and I’m not sure what to do any more. Actions speak louder than words, I know, but I want to support him. He’s so wonderful when he’s not in one of these spirals, like an absolute perfect partner. I just would love to know how best to help him.
Re: New Poster. Longtime reader.
Hi Rome
Sounds as though the last couple of years has been pretty stressful for you. I'm sorry that you had the experience of losing your baby.
You want to know how to help your partner? The truth is, you can't. You have been attempting to help him for the last 2 years, and it hasn't worked. This is because it has to be him that does the work on this. He doesn't seem to want it badly enough. Until he does, your life will continue to be turned upside down by his addiction, and then some. You've experienced how bad things can be, and they can get a whole lot worse.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, but it's the truth. If I may be so bold to suggest putting plans to have a baby on hold for now. Having a baby is hard enough, without the added stress of your partners addiction Having a baby will not make him change, and do you really want a baby exposed to his addiction?
Please find support for yourself, and stay around the forum.
I know you were looking for ways to support your partner, but apart from encouraging him to seek help from his GP, addiction services, attend NA/CA meetings, there really is nothing else you can do except protect yourself, your finances and your home.
You are the only one who can decide whether to continue to live with him whilst he ia in active addiction. If he is having drug induced psychosis, which it sounds like, with him barracading the door etc, please be careful.
Much Love
L x
Sounds as though the last couple of years has been pretty stressful for you. I'm sorry that you had the experience of losing your baby.
You want to know how to help your partner? The truth is, you can't. You have been attempting to help him for the last 2 years, and it hasn't worked. This is because it has to be him that does the work on this. He doesn't seem to want it badly enough. Until he does, your life will continue to be turned upside down by his addiction, and then some. You've experienced how bad things can be, and they can get a whole lot worse.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, but it's the truth. If I may be so bold to suggest putting plans to have a baby on hold for now. Having a baby is hard enough, without the added stress of your partners addiction Having a baby will not make him change, and do you really want a baby exposed to his addiction?
Please find support for yourself, and stay around the forum.
I know you were looking for ways to support your partner, but apart from encouraging him to seek help from his GP, addiction services, attend NA/CA meetings, there really is nothing else you can do except protect yourself, your finances and your home.
You are the only one who can decide whether to continue to live with him whilst he ia in active addiction. If he is having drug induced psychosis, which it sounds like, with him barracading the door etc, please be careful.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: New Poster. Longtime reader.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, it’s been incredibly stressful. Not to mention I was working 2 jobs with 10 hour days 6 days a week in 2022 and then set up my own business in 2023, so having the added stress of all of this has been horrible. I’ve tried everything; contacting counsellors and crisis lines whilst crying in the toilets at work. Trying to get him to speak about the ‘why’. We made some progress but it seems like there isn’t really a ‘why’ now, just a complete lack of responsibility. He’s a completely different person when he’s using.
No, I appreciate your input. I’ve suggested holding off on baby trying for the meantime as I said I didn’t want to bring a baby into a situation like this and he needs to actually prove to me that he wants to be a father rather than just saying it.
Thankyou. He no longer barricades the door, so that’s progress. And I will not lend him money of any kind.
No, I appreciate your input. I’ve suggested holding off on baby trying for the meantime as I said I didn’t want to bring a baby into a situation like this and he needs to actually prove to me that he wants to be a father rather than just saying it.
Thankyou. He no longer barricades the door, so that’s progress. And I will not lend him money of any kind.
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: New Poster. Longtime reader.
Hi Roma a big hug and welcome
I echo everything LM says you can’t fix him only he can do that by engaging in a detox ( not safe to stop suddenly) the go to either NA or AA meetings it seems to have the most success…
By working all of these hours you are blocking out the inevitable which is you will have to face this because it’s not going away …
I feel the time has come for both of you to make a decision because this addiction will only get worse …
You are accepting the unacceptable which I did too ..
Contact admin they will send you literature you got to educate yourself on what you’re dealing with and it’s horror …
You have come through so much if your husband isn’t willing to seek the help he needs then why waste anymore of your life wishing he would get better … I come on here for my addict daughter and she is still ( as far as I am aware using ) I haven’t spoken to her in around 2 years … famanon taught me how to let go with love which is a process .. nothing changes if nothing changes
Either way please keep posting
Lesleerose
I echo everything LM says you can’t fix him only he can do that by engaging in a detox ( not safe to stop suddenly) the go to either NA or AA meetings it seems to have the most success…
By working all of these hours you are blocking out the inevitable which is you will have to face this because it’s not going away …
I feel the time has come for both of you to make a decision because this addiction will only get worse …
You are accepting the unacceptable which I did too ..
Contact admin they will send you literature you got to educate yourself on what you’re dealing with and it’s horror …
You have come through so much if your husband isn’t willing to seek the help he needs then why waste anymore of your life wishing he would get better … I come on here for my addict daughter and she is still ( as far as I am aware using ) I haven’t spoken to her in around 2 years … famanon taught me how to let go with love which is a process .. nothing changes if nothing changes
Either way please keep posting
Lesleerose
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dramaqueen
- Posts: 403
- Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm
Re: New Poster. Longtime reader.
Hi Roma
Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read what you have been and are still going through with your partner.
It sounds like you are trying to be - in fact have been - superwoman: juggling two jobs; setting up a business; dealing with pregnancy and the grief over losing your baby and trying to support and rescue your addicted partner at the same time. Sometimes we are so hyper busy, running high on cortisol and adrenaline, that we forget to connect with self. You’re so fixated on wanting to help your partner but where are you in all this?
What the others have said is true - addicts have to hit their “rock bottom” and really want sobriety in order to give up their drugs of choice. And it can take a very long time to hit rock bottom. And sobriety, facing life on life’s terms, isn’t easy. The addict has to really want recovery - it has to come from your partner.
The others have mentioned NA/CA. 12 step meetings are free, available online 24/7 and there are many in person meetings too. For you, there is FA, a 12 step support group for the loved ones of addicts, also free (except for voluntary contributions to meet overheads) or NarAnon, a similar fellowship. In those meetings you will hear other people share their stories of their addicted loved ones and how they have learned to practise self care instead of focusing all their attention on the addict.
Please keep posting and call the FA helpline who can provide you with details of FA meetings. You are in the right place.
Take care,
DQ
Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read what you have been and are still going through with your partner.
It sounds like you are trying to be - in fact have been - superwoman: juggling two jobs; setting up a business; dealing with pregnancy and the grief over losing your baby and trying to support and rescue your addicted partner at the same time. Sometimes we are so hyper busy, running high on cortisol and adrenaline, that we forget to connect with self. You’re so fixated on wanting to help your partner but where are you in all this?
What the others have said is true - addicts have to hit their “rock bottom” and really want sobriety in order to give up their drugs of choice. And it can take a very long time to hit rock bottom. And sobriety, facing life on life’s terms, isn’t easy. The addict has to really want recovery - it has to come from your partner.
The others have mentioned NA/CA. 12 step meetings are free, available online 24/7 and there are many in person meetings too. For you, there is FA, a 12 step support group for the loved ones of addicts, also free (except for voluntary contributions to meet overheads) or NarAnon, a similar fellowship. In those meetings you will hear other people share their stories of their addicted loved ones and how they have learned to practise self care instead of focusing all their attention on the addict.
Please keep posting and call the FA helpline who can provide you with details of FA meetings. You are in the right place.
Take care,
DQ
Re: New Poster. Longtime reader.
Hello Rome.
What a wonderful, capable, bright and loving woman you are.
I'm so sorry that all of this suffering has been brought to your door, and that you lost the baby as well. It really is time to start thinking about yourself, and taking on board what the others have said about the fact that only your partner can cure himself. From everything you describe, you have been through a horrifying ordeal, have given it so much time, suffered your bereavement, and now I think you're at the point where you really must rescue yourself.
In your case, (and I suspect you might be almost at this point), I would be thinking that I perhaps needed to give him one last chance, and then get out. I know you say that he can be lovely when he is not using, but so often addicts make the choice to keep using, to commit to their drugs, and not to us, and in the meantime, we have lost so much of our lives, and so much of our health and our sanity.
As DQ says, there are addiction meetings, and from the evidence which is available, although it is not written in stone, then what I have read suggests that AA and NA have the best success rate where recovering from addiction is concerned, compared with other recovery modes. Give him an ultimatum. I'm sorry to sound a cynical, but I am not sure that this will work. He seems very committed to his lifestyle.
Please think about what we've all said. Notice that we are all consistent. Also remember that, on this forum, through the mutual support on offer, we can support one another in the lives that we have to forge, once we have realised that the addict cannot be rescued, and that he or she will go his or her own way. It's painful to begin with, but believe me, there is life beyond this. P.
What a wonderful, capable, bright and loving woman you are.
I'm so sorry that all of this suffering has been brought to your door, and that you lost the baby as well. It really is time to start thinking about yourself, and taking on board what the others have said about the fact that only your partner can cure himself. From everything you describe, you have been through a horrifying ordeal, have given it so much time, suffered your bereavement, and now I think you're at the point where you really must rescue yourself.
In your case, (and I suspect you might be almost at this point), I would be thinking that I perhaps needed to give him one last chance, and then get out. I know you say that he can be lovely when he is not using, but so often addicts make the choice to keep using, to commit to their drugs, and not to us, and in the meantime, we have lost so much of our lives, and so much of our health and our sanity.
As DQ says, there are addiction meetings, and from the evidence which is available, although it is not written in stone, then what I have read suggests that AA and NA have the best success rate where recovering from addiction is concerned, compared with other recovery modes. Give him an ultimatum. I'm sorry to sound a cynical, but I am not sure that this will work. He seems very committed to his lifestyle.
Please think about what we've all said. Notice that we are all consistent. Also remember that, on this forum, through the mutual support on offer, we can support one another in the lives that we have to forge, once we have realised that the addict cannot be rescued, and that he or she will go his or her own way. It's painful to begin with, but believe me, there is life beyond this. P.