Struggling

[Tired]

Hiya all

I feel a little bit embarrassed to post on here, as its not about my ex addict, though he has definitely contributed to my mental health.

It's regarding my daughter. I don't know where to start other than in general area a good daughter, but she has chosen a partner who I, and her friends really dislike. She lives with me since the break up of her previous five year relationship, and losing her baby, and went straight into another relationship.

Based on facts and incidents, I have banned him from my home since last April, but I am at an all time low, as this is the third time she has brought him into my home behind my back. I was in paris last week, and from my doorbell camera, withing 48 mins of dropping me off, she had sneaked him in.

When I returned, we had a massive fallout, and mean words were said. I never thought she would be so deceitful, disrespectful after me making it so clear.

I think what I'm trying to say, is that although she doesn't take drugs (well, I'm convinced she smokes hash with that thing), she has changed so much in the last year.

I was working so hard to have peace in my life away from the ex, and she has now replaced chaos in my home over her lies.

I have given her a final warning that he is not to be here, but she is totally under his spell. She's holding down a job, car, starting a degree.

I guess I'm reaching out, as I'm so low agaib after fighting. Horrible to say, I love my daughter but haven't like her for at least two months, as she was awful to me over Christmas. He is definitely behind her moods and controlling ways.

If she didn't live here, this wouldn't be as bad. I'm at my wits rbd, so it's tough love, and, hardly speak to her, as I don't trust her.

As I said, it's not like my previous posts, buf I feel I don't deserve more anxiety and pain.

Friends don't understand, as I'm asking her to leave if she claims she's happy with him. He is truly horrible, and a dangerous person in my eyes. He will get her into trouble I feel. She's an adult I know, but under my roof is so hard.
The names she cd called me on Monday because I caught them red handed on my doorbell camera were horrible, and she deflected big time.

I just don't know what to do anymore as, it's so raw. Easy for my friends to say chuck her out.

Sorry for the offloading

[LM66]

Hi Tired

I'm sorry that your daughter has behaved this way.
It seems that you are in a position that calls for a few house rules to be put down. If your daughter wants to continue living under your roof, she has to abide by them. Your house, your rules!
Yes, what she done was completely disrespectful and she knew your feelings on this chap being in your home, yet she deliberately brought him in.
Any rules or boundaries breached, there has to be a consequence, or there's not point of having them in the first place - you know all this, but it doesn't make it easier, I know.
Even if our offspring are not addicts, there is an expectation regarding their behaviour towards us, and unacceptable, from anyone, for any reason, should not be accepted. That rule applies to everyone living in the home.
It's hard on the heart Tired, so hurtful.
Sending a huge hug
Much Love
L x

[Tired]

Thank you, and agree if no consequences, she will continue. I'm hardly talking with her as I'm feeling so unwell with it all. I just want SOLACE, like us all.

The consequence is that it's the last time I have asked her not to sneak him into my safe haven.

I am not sure whether it's an accumulation of the ex, things my daughters partner has done to being trouble to my door, but I'm feeling so down, and I shouldn't be, as I have such lovely breaks away and enjoy the little things I do when I'm home.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

P. S. Being peri menopause for 7 years doesn't help either as my emotions are haywire

[lesleerose]

Ahhhh tired love makes excuses
You say your daughters is smoking weed weed is a very powerful drug laced with other substances to make it weigh heavier it brings on mood swings paranoia anger to name but a few ..
I had to put my daughter out at 17 I couldn’t take anymore I woke up one morning with an axe over my head …
Your daughter is choosing to have this man in her life but he is not the problem your daughter is the problem…
This has to stop now and I also know about the vile name calling you were not put here to put up with that disrespect..
Your girl is not taking anything you say on board so for your own sanity she has to leave and live her own life …
You didn’t cause it you can’t control it and you can’t cure it …
This situation will only get worse
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Poetry]

Sorry to hear how low you are feeling, Tired. Like the rest of us, you've been through a lot, and instead of it making us stronger, (an expression I absolutely detest) it builds up and the next blow comes harder, but that doesn't mean that we can't survive it and keep working towards peace in our lives.

I agreed with the others. Your daughter has to respect boundaries in your house, and after another chance, then, not wishing to align myself with friends who do not understand the complexity of the situation, I would indeed tell her that she has to go.

It does sound as if your daughter has chosen an unsuitable partner and may well be experimenting with drugs, but those are her choices, and she needs to face up to the consequences.

We all feel, some days, when we are low, that we have had enough of all of the pain which life has dealt us. This is not our being self-pitying, just reacting as human beings, but I always think that there are things we can do to guard against it. I know its a cliche, but keep busy, keep reflecting on your little trips away, and maybe looking at your photographs and reading up on places you have been. Anything and everything which contributes to positivity acts like a screen to keep these awful things away from us.

You also have your own grief and you need space for that too. Sending a hug. P.

[LM66]

Sometimes things just build up Tired, and it overwhelms us. Take a few days to process things, then onwards and upwards.
You deserve peace. Yes, your home is your safe haven - let no one contaminate that. This is how I think about it.
The menopause does indeed mess you up. Thank god I seem to be done with it for the most part. It started around age 44 for me, and Im 58 soon. I did try HRT for a whike, and it was fine, til the GP changed me to patches and a gel - nightmare! Chucked the stuff in the bin, and never looked back.
This sh*tty time will pass Tired. We're all here for you
Much Love
L x.

[Tired]

Thank you all.

She is on her last chance.

I have had a peaceful weekend, so, now that any chaos in my home, she is out. Locks will be changed.

She's my only daughter, and we are such a small family, but the way she deflected from being caught red handed at having him stay here on day 1 of my hols, has broken so much trust between us.

Xx it's drained me mentally, and the years of putting up with the addict of an ex, has definitely taken it's toll on me

[lesleerose]

I understand tired I too was in a very abusive relationship which I managed to get out it was a nightmare and my mental health suffered terribly and then for your daughter same as mine go down a road similar is very hard to bare at that time my daughter lost a baby too … she eventually blamed everything that happened on loosing her baby then she blamed ever on me ..
I went on a short holiday had a talk with her that I was giving her some trust back to treat my home well our home with respect …
Of course I came home to the house in the early hours my flat was wrecked and filthy .. I couldn’t go to bed and wake up to that so I started cleaning one room at a time I have 3 double bedrooms… it took me hours then I went to bed exhausted she had also run up the phone bill hundreds of pounds ( pre mobile phones ) once again totally disrespected…
I truly hope your daughter doesn’t let you down … I am also a small family it’s just me now because I had to put my daughter out no contact and I blocked and deleted her number I just couldn’t take anymore abuse from anyone
I am quite happy on my own I wake up and everything is peaceful
Please keep posting on this beautiful famanon fellowship forum we are here to help each other
Lesleerose