Absolutely Devastated !!!!!

[ANAID777]

Hi all, I am new to FA, am struggling to focus on work and life in general so thought I would share.

My son is 35 and has struggled with substance misuse disorder or many years off and on although significantly escalated over the last few years to a crack cocaine addiction. I was completely unaware of his addiction/crack use until last year. He hid it well and his lies and manipulation are beyond anything I can actually describe.

It came to ahead last September when he finally broke down and begged for help. I paid for rehab and we all tried to support him as family when he completed this. He went to live with his father out of London and we supported him with contact his son, who is only 5 years old and lives with his mother. She gave up (quite rightly) when my grandson was a baby. We have a good relationship and we support her and my grandson. Alongside supporting my son around contact.

Following on from his rehab, I funded a private ADHD assessment, something we suspected he may have for many years and then private treatment. His recovery support has run in thousands and thousands and that is not counting the money he has owed me over the years etc etc etc.

We really thought he had turned a corner as he was attending daily NA/CA meetings (so I thought) and a community drug service for additional support. He was even planning to return to work. However ,early this week following a large backdated PIP payment, which I helped him apply for (stupidly) he left the refuge and safety of his fathers and has now relapsed. He has cut off contact with everyone and GOD knows where he is and what he is doing.

I am devastated for my grandson, who loves his father dearly ( we were supporting his contact so it was safe) and have no idea what to say to him when he asks where his father is.. I am looking at support around how to talk to him , (with his mother), as he is only 5.

I am devastated for myself , I worry my son is going to die and I know there is nothing more I can do. I know I must focus on my supporting my grandson as this is something I can do. However I am so very sad. I am struggling to sleep, eat and work, and just keep crying. I know I have to pull myself together, I am just so very sad and so upset.

Thank you for reading if you do

[ANAID777]

Just to be clear , I was aware of his cocaine addiction but not crack until just before he went to rehab… apologies if am rambling

[josie2023]

My heart just goes out to you the pain when a loved one relapses is heart breaking and so awful. You are right that you can’t do anything to stop your son using but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept.
I would try to just tell your grandson a little for now, just maybe that his dad is a little poorly and can’t meet up right now but not to worry. I am a teacher and I would suggest that for little ones, they just need an explanation so they don’t make one up themselves, but right now that’s all he needs to know. Hopefully his dad will be able to see him again when he is doing better but you can protect him for now from the awful ups and downs of knowing an addict. Xxxx

[lesleerose]

Dearest ana firstly a big hug and welcome to the famanon forum which is for you …
I identified with everything you say and I mean everything.. my addict daughter is now 40 and previously she made my life a living hell … so many treatment centres so many thousands of pounds so many deposits for flats , phones clothes footwear food everything… the manipulation was indescribable only when I pressed the send on my phone transferring money into her account I would realise I had been duped again …
She started experimenting with alcohol drugs around the teen years and it shredded my heart and soul .. 11 years ago she brought a miracle beautiful little girl into the world .. I have tried so very hard to keep her out of the care system …
I was told to say to her that her mummy couldn’t take care of herself just now … There is nothing more you can do for your son the kindest thing to do is to let him go because he will take you down that road to hell with him to get his drug of choice the drugs will always come first you have to take care of yourself now … I learned with the beautiful people on here how to let go with love I blocked and deleted my addict daughter about 2 years ago I never want to see her again … I am badly damaged physically mentally and spiritually and of course financially..
please read the previous post “ letter from crack cocaine”
Also read up on ambiguous grief
Others will come on and offer support we all help each other ..
You are no longer talking to your son you are talking to the drugs .. please keep posting we are all the same as you at different stages …
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Thank you both for your support and helpful advice re talking to my grandson. I will absolutely take this in on board. I did read the letter from Crack Cocaine . I truly realise I have to let go of my son and I am as am sure many people here are. I thank you once again for taking time to reach out me.

[ANAID777]

And agreed lesleerose, as with your daughter , I cannot believe I was duped AGAIN… then think what a fool. I cannot stand by and watching his living death so am letting go..struggling to sleep again hopefully soon.

[ANAID777]

Thank you Josie. I am so very worried about my poor little grandson , but as you have suggested keep it simple while he so little and I will focus on supporting him

[LM66]

Hi Anaid
It really is soul destroying when our addicts relapse. All that effort wasted all that money for nothing, the hopes dashed yet again. My son is also the addict in my life, he just turned 30 last week.
To be fair, it's easy to lie to a 5 year old. Protective lies, to prevent heartache to someone so young who won't understand, and shouldn't understand addiction.
Your son knows what he has to do if he wants recovery.
We can all relate to you about the worry and fears Anaid. Stay around the forum for your suppprt.
Much Love
L x

[ANAID777]

Thank you L, for taking time to reach out..yes it is devastating as we know … I will be going to a FA meeting this week and focusing on supporting my little grandsonand his mother .. the support here means a lot thank you once again x