New member - Is there any hope?

[Sajb]

I have recently found out that my husband has a cocaine addiction. He is adamant that he wants to stop/has stopped taking it since I found the evidence 2 weeks ago to finally get him to admit to it.
He says he is going to contact a counsellor who specialises in Addiction.
I have young children and they have seen far more than a child should ever have to see in their little lives.
I want to give my husband that chance to beat his addiction but I’m so worried that it’s not going to happen. I had a panic attack last night and realised just how much this has affected me. I read some posts on here and have started reading the book recommended on codependency. I know I have to start looking after myself.
I guess I am just looking for some hope…

[LM66]

Hi Sajb

In your shoes, I would want to see action from him, rather than words. Words are cheap.
I would lay down very clear boundaries: I will not have addiction around me or the children, or in the house. If you bring drugs into the house, or are under the influence of drugs, you have to leave.
Addiction impacts on everyone, not just the addict. You're correct, your children shouldn't be exposed to this. Protect them and yourself.
If it was possible, it would be a good option if he could live elsewhere, whilst seekibg the support he needs. I know this is not always an option.
Much Love
L x

[Sajb]

Thank you for your reply. He said he’s made contact with help yesterday.
I am struggling with my feelings of anger towards him. I’m angry at the situation, angry that he’s done this to our children and angry that I’m not sure he realises the true impact on us.
I’m trying my best to be supportive, I want him to get better and I know there’s more chance of that if I stay positive. He gets down if I am down. He struggles if I need time to myself.
I’m trying to focus on myself, which he is not used to, and is obviously reacting to but I know I have to do it and it’s not selfish.
I’m not sure why I’m really writing this. I guess it’s just comforting to know others have and are experiencing and survive a similar situation.

[lesleerose]

Dear sja
Addicts are master manipulators when you are down he is down that is emotional blackmail…
You have to look after yourself and the children … the biggest success rate for recovery from addiction is through either CA or NA …
If I was you I would tell him he has to go to 90 meetings in 90 days or as many as possible…
This forum is for you because your important and the effect the addict has on their family is horrendous…
As LM suggested it would be better if he could live somewhere else for a while …
If he isn’t willing to go to meetings ( and there are many ) then it’s time for you to make a decision if you want to carry in living like this because it always gets worse never better.. I come on here because of my addict daughter I had to put her out when she was 17 I couldn’t take anymore of the abuse it was horrendous… I then had to block and delete her because the only time I heard from her was when she wanted money … obviously for drugs but she wouldn’t say that …
I haven’t heard from her for a while now so not sure what’s happening but I am at peace famanon is a wonderful fellowship we support each other we live each other back to health ..
Admin give of themselves freely and they are in the same position as ourselves if you contact them they will send you out some literature you have to educate yourself on what your dealing with
Please keep posting
Lesleerose

[S90]

Hi sajb

Your situation sounds similar to mine and your not alone in your feelings

Defiantly take time to yourself, I made the mistake in the beginning of making myself avaliable at all times and putting his wants and needs ahead of my own in the hopes it would help his sobriety.. it didn't help and I've kind of lost myself abit along the way and am now trying to get that back which is a bit of a battle as he now doesn't like me being independent from him. So if I could offer any advice to it is keep taking care of yourself. Its ok to be supportive for him but don't loose yourself in that support! As they say you can't pour from an empty cup

I hope he gets help and you can fix things

[Poetry]

Hello sajb and sorry for the late response.

Great advice from the others, and I agree with every single word. It is he who needs to give himself the chance to get through addiction, and not you.

In point of fact, it is nothing to do with you. Your relationship with him is something which is mutual, but his addiction - and sorry, you probably think this is hard -is his concern. He is doing wrong and he needs to put it right.

Please think about yourself and prioritise those children. You are already aware that his behaviour has damaged them. Do protect them from further damage. To my mind, he seems to have had enough chances and in your shoes, I'd think about having to make other arrangements. P.

[Jore]

Hello Sajb,
I came first to this forum 2 years ago and the reason was to find someone who would understand and support, encouragement to keep fighting for my husband. At that time i was so new to this, didnt know anything about cocaine ans tried to find out any information that would help. But to my big surprise, most replies were encouraging me to run away, saving myself and my son. I was confused, i was even angry. I thought its not what i came here for. I started reading all the stories and couldnt believe how similar all of them were. I still wanted to believe he can beat this problem, although i had that gut feeling that this will never happen. After that i never signed in again, until today. Back then i thought i will proove different. He joined DAA, used to call them every day and i could hear his conversations. We were on holiday visiting my family for 3 weeks and he thought it will be enough time to be clean to be able to start over, but the holiday was over and he went back to where he was. In 2 months i was told he needs freedom and i can go to my family for good. And his freedom took another 2 months and he passed away. I was broken, but then i just realised that now i have a real chance to live again.
Dont hope too much, save yourself and children, as you say they alreadybseen too much. My son was so hyperactive, i was told he probably wont be able to attend school full time, maybe for an 1 a day. But after the worse stress was over, everything changed. He is in school like everyone else, and i no longer have issues with his hyperactivity.All can change, just find that strength.
Hugs
Jore x

[olderbutwiser]

It shocks and saddens me that we are all in the same cocaine boat. It’s always heroin that’s seen as the biggest enemy and I’m sure it is but cocaine, or crack as for my partner, is just as big a problem it seems.
I’m 2 and a quarter years in and my partner has only in the last few weeks started to admit he has a problem but he is severely depressed and has no motivation to do anything for himself.
I first suggested he moved out while he got himself sorted in the summer of 2022, nearly 2 years ago, and he turned it back onto me saying horrible things to make me feel guilty so I caved. Since then it’s been a rollercoaster with every emotion going which has only made him worse.
I wish i had done it then but I thought he would stop eventually. Always waiting for him to get a new job or for the latest drama to be over. But the drama fuels the addiction.
He is leaving in a week (I hope as per my earlier post) and while I have said we can see how things go and that we can maybe stay in a relationship, I cannot wait to have my home back and to breathe.
I have a teenage son at home and a daughter who is coming home from uni in 2 weeks and his problems have taken up far too much of my time and energy than they should have. It’s like having a third child I’m exhausted with it.
I hope your husband gets the help and you can move past this as a family

[Butterfly1234]

There is hope. Only if he wants it though. Action is what is needed if he’s serious. I found out my husband has an addiction to cocaine last year. We have 2 young children who have seen and experienced more than they should at the age they are. In the beginning I was desperate for him to get better, would have done anything. I was supportive and available to him at all times. And while I could see that he did not want to be in the state that he was in, nothing really changed until I laid down my boundaries so clearly that he ended up sleeping in his van. I realised that I can’t help him if he thinks he can just say sorry and then carry on and I’ll be there waiting to make it all better for him every time. I had to break the cycle. It was heartbreaking and awful but only after that did I start to see him put the work in for himself. And that’s when I started putting the work in for myself too. My husband is now coming up to 6 months clean and sober and life is good - there is hope. But I would say that you must put yourself and the kids first and make it clear you support his recovery and believe in him but there are things you will not accept. And you must stick to whatever boundaries you set. It’s difficult. I’m still not right in myself after all we’ve been through, I struggle and some days are hard. But I’m working on me and he’s working on him and we meet somewhere in the middle when we can. There is hope for your husband for sure but most importantly there is hope for you! X