Feeling lost

[S90]

I'm new to posting but have read through a lot of your stories. I'm just feeling a little lost and not sure what do to.

My partner is a cocain addict and relapsed again this week. He admitted it to me but said it was just once, then said it was twice and then today I found out it has been 6 times and he owes money out which he asked me to pay, he knows where struggling with money and paying his debt means I don't pay the bills

I've been trying to be supportive but today I'm just mad and fed up. He keeps blaming me and saying its my fault, although he hasn't given any thing specific I've done to cause anything and is now saying if I'm not being supportive its just going to make him do it more.. I understand he has an addiction but it always seems like there's more responsibility on me to make sure he doesn't relapse than there is on himself.

Hes stopped going to meetings and when I bring it up he says I'm pressuring him and making it worse.

I'm not sure what it is I'm meant to do.. I feel like he's telling me I shout say and feel nothing because then its my fault but if I say nothing at all then he's just going to do it and say its my fault because I'm not saying anything.. feels like a loose loose situation and I've been going round in circles for years with this..

Not sure what I'm wanting.. maybe advice? Maybe just not to feel alone in this.. I don't have anyone to talk to who understands.

[lesleerose]

Hi there S90
Firstly big hugs and welcome to famanon and being brave to put up your first post …
Everyone on this forum will tell you the same thing it’s always our fault…. Addicts are very manipulative and tell lies even when they don’t have to lie …
If your partner is refusing to go back to his meetings then there is very little you can do and it will get worse always does never better ..
I don’t know your living situation but stop enabling him your enabling him that has to stop so know more paying off his debts or paying for anything else ..
Nothing changes if nothing changes
I can only say what I would do and have done with my addict daughter ( though it didn’t work ) is tell him 90 meetings in 90 days or he will have to leave … your own physical mental spiritual self will start to crumble not to mention financially for him the drugs will always come first and if your having a relationship with drugs you can’t have a relationship with anyone else … get strong girl it’s your way or the highway it’s his choice
Please keep posting and let us know how you are
In famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[LM66]

Hi S90
He will blame you for the sun rising and setting, for the wind blowing! He will blame anything and anyone, to protect his addiction and keep a status quo.
No one is to blame for him using apart from himself. He has the choice to pick up or not. Nothing you do or don't do is responsible for that. He's basically telling you " you have to let me do what I like and just accept it without question". Even if you say nothing, like you have discovered, you will be accused of not caring, so he'd be as well using. You can't win this war. It will continue to progress and become worse .
You have been in this cycle for years - what do you want from life?
If you were my daughter, what would I say to you? To be honest, I would suggest you don't sacrifice anymore of your life on this man and get the hell out of dodge.
Much Love
L x

[S90]

Thanks for replying sometimes I think I just need someone else to tell me the things I already know in my own head.

I've told him I'm not paying what he owed. My only concern is the people he owes will turn up at the house and our kids are here. Hopefully it won't come to that tho.

I know what you mean when you what would you tell your daughter because I would tell mine the same. Its not always so easy to take our own advice tho we've been together 15 years and have kids. I know without the drugs he's a great guy, I just can't seem to get that person back..

I've made some calls and am restarting therapy, I really do need to start living my life for me instead of him.

Hes agreed to go back to meetings starting tonight.. I guess the balls in his court now so.hopefully he will go. I do think this time around if he can't take accountability for his actions and actually make an effort to use the supports then I'm going to have to walk away.

[ANAID777]

Dear S90,

I really hear and feel you when you say you feel lost. Also I understand the very real dilemma of you having children and the impact to them.

I too feel lost, and I am struggling with the feelings of ambiguous loss re my own addict adult son ,, which Lesleerose helpfully signposted me to look up . He has catastrophically relapsed following significant family support, and I simply have no choice but accept this and take each day as it comes.

Please do your best to prioritise yourself and your children as you most likely are doing. Support here is invaluable and restarting therapy also a good way forward. I have referred myself too and I am looking at other ways to focus on my own MH.. something I can control

Love and best wishes Anaid xx

[Poetry]

Hello S90. Welcome.

I can't add much to what the others have said, except just a comment on your observation that he's such a great guy when he's not taking the drugs. Unfortunately, being a drug addict is now part of his life, and has most definitely damaged him as a person. Yes, he could, if he chose, ment himself, and his relationships, but it does sound from what you say as if this is being going on for a very long time, and whereas I wouldn't want to remove all hope from your situation, it doesn't look good.

Last chance, I'd say. If he can't get completely clean, and if there is any evidence of a relapse or half-hearted efforts in the direction of cleanliness and sobriety, then call it ta day. You can't go on like this. You will lose your physical health and your sanity, and the kids will be damaged by it.

Stay with us. We're here for you whatever you do, and that means whether you take our advice or not. Do keep posting. It is a lifeline. P.

[Tired]

Hello S90

You are really not alone by coming on this forum.

Sadly, they blame everyone and everything, apart from themselves. I wasted years and years on my ex.

Please remain on here to offload, anything, as its been a huge support to me for years.

[S90]

As an update he did contact his sponsor and go back to a meeting.

I'm not sure what he said at the meeting but he came back saying that I should be more supportive and that everyone has told him that the pressure I'm putting on him is not helpful and will cause him to relapse. I'm not really sure what to say to that.. or how it even makes sense. Am I really meant to have no expectations or response to him relapsing. Just seems like another way to lay blame on me instead of himself.

As of right now I'm not sure what to do. I think I just have some hard decisions to make.. but sometimes feels like I'm just choosing between one hard choice and another hard choice

[Poetry]

I am SURE that no sponsor, and nobody in an addiction meeting would have told him that you needed to be more supportive. That is not, repeat, not, how it works.

Recovering addicts, if they are genuine, and so many are, take responsibility for their own actions, and that is the only way they are going to get through it.

You are being lied to. Love P.

[lesleerose]

Dear S90
He is lying as poetry said a sponsor or anyone else in a meeting in recovery would 100 % not say that it’s the pressure you are putting him under it’s quite the opposite it’s his problem nothing to do with you … it’s one of the first things you learn when you wake up in the morning look in the mirror you are looking at the problem…..
Now I also think he is lying about calling his sponsor and going to a meeting he is messing with your head …
You may ask why because that’s what addicts do they like to control because they have no control …
I myself am in recovery I just celebrated 25 years …
I honestly believe you need to separate from this man at least for a while for th me sake of your sanity and the children don’t put them through anymore of this horror
Woman’s aid are fantastic contact them tell him unless he goes to 90 meetings in 90 days either NA or CA then you don’t want to talk to him … don’t be an enabler …. I had to get rid of my wishbone and get a backbone regarding my addict daughter that’s why I come to famanon please keep posting
Yours in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[S90]

Its so frustrating.. I feel like I've hit a time warp. He was doing well with his recovery and was taking responsibility for his problem.. now its like we have gone back to how it was before he even started recovery.

I know addiction is for life but isit just an endless circle?


I do know he spoke to his sponsor.. what he told him I don't know, maybe he didn't tell him the truth I have no idea.. and I suppose I don't know that he went to a meeting I should probably stop taking what he says at face value.

Well done lesleerose on your recovery! 25 years is a proud achievement.

[LM66]

S90,
No sponsor worth their salt would tell him these things. He's talking baloney!
He will lie about anything to protect his addiction, and yes, you want to believe him, but I would take what he says with a very large pinch of salt - until you see a change in his behaviours. THAT is what speaks the truth - words are cheap, especially from someone in active addiction.
Much Love
L x

[lesleerose]

Dearest S90
Addiction always gets worse never better as LM said take anything he says with a pinch of salt or if you want to know if he is lying if his lips are moving he is lying .. With his disastrous relapse he has obviously jumped straight into active addiction… do you really want to go down that dark hole called hell again ..
Get yourself and your children out now … if in time you see his behaviour changing for the better then you can think about going back until then protect yourself and your children …
Please keep posting
Bless you and your children in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose