Triggered

[Butterfly1234]

Today I had to go for a procedure at the hospital for the third year in a row. I feel a bit all over the place and have found myself sat on my own in silence not being able to unjumble my thoughts or work out how I feel so I thought maybe getting it out here might help. Thank you to anyone taking the time to read my waffle! The thing is, last year when I was sent to the hospital for this procedure my husband took me and then bought me home and then went out and didn’t return till 6am the following day after ignoring many of my calls and texts. When he did get home he was distant, went straight to bed, didn’t engage with me or the kids and quite honestly made me feel like I wasn’t worth giving a shit about.

This year my husband took me for lunch before my appointment and came with me to the hospital, bought me home and has now taken our boys to footy practice so I can have some quiet time. I think just the journey to the hospital, being sat in the same waiting room and having the same procedure has triggered me and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. The procedure was absolutely fine by the way, no major concerns and nothing too traumatic. I want to shout at my husband, ask him if he remembers last year and what he put me through, remind him of all the awful things he done and the way he made me feel. But I’ve closed up. He’s smashing his recovery, but I feel sometimes like I can’t express how I’m feeling or why I’m feeling that way. And I don’t know why. I’m not worried about his reactions anymore, I’ve had it out with him plenty of times and he’s surprised me by taking responsibility and owning what he’s done in the past rather than turning it around on me and starting an almighty argument. Since he’s been going to NA and started working the steps I can see and feel that change in him. But I feel a bit stuck. A bit disengaged. I would rather sit on my own in a quiet room than see people now, I don’t feel comfortable in busy environments where I used to be the life and soul of a party I now just want the ground to swallow me up if I’m in a party situation.

I read the horrific things that people are going through here and think how lucky I am that my addict decided to help himself and so far he’s doing really well. So what the hell is my problem? I know I’m probably just having a bad day and I’ll be ok tomorrow.. but it’s always there in the back of my mind, this self pity. Some days I feel like I’m myself and some days I feel lost. Sending love to everyone x

[Paulette]

Hi Butterfly

I'm sorry you feel so low. I think it is totally understandable. The life you built as a family with your husband got destroyed. Yes, he is now in recovery but the grief you feel for what was lost - what you lost and what you suffered - is natural. I'm sure others will also chip in, but I think you need to be kind to yourself, and consider attending a meeting or getting counselling or other support. Depression is anger turned inwards. You need safe spaces to express it, or it will devour you. You have been let down, hurt and you need time and support to figure out how you are with all of it. Supressing it doesn't work.

Sending hugs and strength
Pxx

[lesleerose]

Hi butterfly
Your life before your husband’s recovery must have been hell on earth and now he is changing ( doesn’t explain his behaviour last year though ) try and keep it in the day … the family didn’t function well while your husband was using and it will take time to heal …
Try and get to some live or zoom meetings maybe go to your doctor see what they say
Am sure given time all will be well
As they say “ give time time “
Please keep posting that’s how we recover here on famanon by sharing with each other
In fam - anon fellowship
Lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Dear Butterfly

I can’t really add anything more than what has been said, and what you know, that you have been traumatised by your husband’s addiction and absolutely need support to help you recover ( I know I do) I am glad your husband is now sensitive to this and I really hope you can access the support you need. I think one thing we all understand here is the trauma our loved ones addiction and behaviours have had upon on physical, emotional and mental wellbeing is beyond significant. Please do take care, my prayers and hugs to you …

Love Anaid xxx

[Butterfly1234]

Thank you guys for your lovely words of support. I am grateful to you and this forum. I’m feeling a little better today but am also considering “treating myself” to some therapy. I say treating myself because money is one of my biggest stressors at the moment. Obviously his addiction had a huge impact on us financially and although we both work full time and he really is putting in every penny now to us and our family we just seem to be constantly playing catch up with the bills. I have a step change plan in place and am by no means living in poverty but our rent is high, the cost of living is high and the boys constantly need new shoes, footy kits, money on their lunch cards etc so I’m struggling to justify the thought of paying to talk to someone.. but over these last years/months and trying to work on myself, tried nhs, tried physical famanon meeting but it was shut down and there’s not another one anywhere nearby.. I think that therapy might be something I should at least try? Like you guys have said it’s important to have a safe place to get it out and suppressing it doesn’t work. And I do feel that I am suppressing a lot. Thank you as alway x lots of love to all x

[Paulette]

Great idea to try therapy.
It is just possible that you might get it on the NHS - try going via your GP. Might only be short term but worth a try. Also see if any local drug services offer family support services, some of which might include counselling and might be low cost. There's also online FA meetings.
Hugs
Pxx

[lesleerose]

Hi again butterfly
Have you tried Al-anon same as famanon but mostly based on alcohol … I am sure they would welcome you with open arms
Look them up after all alcohol is a drug ..
Lesleerose