I am new to this group. I have 2 children and my partner of 8 years has admitted he is suffering with addiction. I have always thought he preferred being out partying with his friends than staying home with me looking after our children. Over the past 2 years he has really gone downhill. Partly i feel responsible because i have been so focused on being a good mum to our children i have failed to see what is in front of my eyes.
I have always worked and provided for myself financially and although he has helped when he worked he has never really supported us financially. He lost his job when my baby was 9 weeks old due to drink and drugs. I told him to leave and we were trying to work through everything. He had a one night stand and kept it from me. As far as i was concerned we were back together. We went on holidays together. He picked himself up. He got a new job and we were getting along. We were close again. He disappeared last year and i went looking for him. He was lying and wasn’t home. I just thought he was out partying again. He always showed up for me. We don’t live together as he did shift work and i had a small flat. But now i think this was an excuse for him to take drugs and hide it from me. Before christmas i moved into a larger place and we finally had a chance to be together as a family. We were planning our future.
This Christmas he told me about the one night stand he had 9 months after my baby was born and the person surprised him with a baby that is 1 and a half years old.
I am devastated, i have cried every day for the past 3 months. I don’t know him anymore. I don’t recognise him. Whilst i have been building our family together he has been constantly lying and letting us down. He said he needs to get help to be better and i know he needs to do this. We speak regularly but he goes silent for days on end and i think he has taken something. I know its an illness and I cant help him. I really need some support. I am trying to be strong for my children but i can’t stop thinking about it all and crying. I feel like i’ve let them down.
I know i have to let go
Re: I know i have to let go
You are not the one who has let your children down, your partner has. You have been the person holding it all together, out working for your family - you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for - NOTHING!
You have been badly let down by your partner, and of course you will be hurting. We can't turn our emotions off like a tap.
I would agree, in order for him to be the partner you deserve, and the father the children deserve, he needs to sort himself out. Will he do that - who can tell. What I can tell you, us that you won't always feel sad, your children will be absolutely fine as they have you! The strong, stable mama!
Have your tears, blow your nose, and you keep going. Fake it til you make it.
Much Love
Lx
You have been badly let down by your partner, and of course you will be hurting. We can't turn our emotions off like a tap.
I would agree, in order for him to be the partner you deserve, and the father the children deserve, he needs to sort himself out. Will he do that - who can tell. What I can tell you, us that you won't always feel sad, your children will be absolutely fine as they have you! The strong, stable mama!
Have your tears, blow your nose, and you keep going. Fake it til you make it.
Much Love
Lx
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: I know i have to let go
Dearest my family
You haven’t let your children down quite the opposite your partner had his own place so the children weren’t aware …
Obviously your partner is still using and you are grieving for what could have been ( look up ambiguous grief ) … slowly you will start to rebuild your life with your beautiful children with whom you have protected for such a long time ..
I would suggest that you tell your partner that you definitely need space and unless he is willing to go to NA or CA meetings 90 meetings in 90 days you don’t want to speak to him …
If u you have to block him addicts are master manipulators and liars . I come on here for my daughter the people here on famanon gave me the strength to let her go … I haven’t seen or heard from her in 2 years now … I am at peace …
You know there comes a point where they can’t hurt you anymore all cried out …
If you stick with the forum if you can live or zoom meetings I promise you will be happy joyous and free
There is also admin these ppl give of themselves freely and they also have a loved one who has or is using drugs
The ppl on this forum are truly beautiful and they will love you until you start to love yourself and well done you have taken the first step
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose xx
You haven’t let your children down quite the opposite your partner had his own place so the children weren’t aware …
Obviously your partner is still using and you are grieving for what could have been ( look up ambiguous grief ) … slowly you will start to rebuild your life with your beautiful children with whom you have protected for such a long time ..
I would suggest that you tell your partner that you definitely need space and unless he is willing to go to NA or CA meetings 90 meetings in 90 days you don’t want to speak to him …
If u you have to block him addicts are master manipulators and liars . I come on here for my daughter the people here on famanon gave me the strength to let her go … I haven’t seen or heard from her in 2 years now … I am at peace …
You know there comes a point where they can’t hurt you anymore all cried out …
If you stick with the forum if you can live or zoom meetings I promise you will be happy joyous and free
There is also admin these ppl give of themselves freely and they also have a loved one who has or is using drugs
The ppl on this forum are truly beautiful and they will love you until you start to love yourself and well done you have taken the first step
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose xx
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Butterfly1234
- Posts: 77
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2023 3:35 pm
Re: I know i have to let go
Hi my family,
Our stories sound similar in many ways. I also thought my partner of 10 years preferred to be out with his mates than at home with me and our kids. I also did not see what was happening right under my nose for a long time. I drove myself mad wondering what was wrong with me. Why can’t he stand to be here with us. Why are we not enough. It’s coming up to a year since he admitted to himself and to me that he is an addict. It all started to make perfect sense after that. I started to learn as much as I could about addiction I wanted desperately to understand him and make him better and in the process very nearly destroyed myself. I would cry for whole days on end and could barely function. Kept being sent home from work, day to day chores weren’t getting done but worse that all I was in such a hole I was neglecting myself and my kids. My kids in fact were looking after me at the ages on 13 and 9.
I came on here desperate for somebody to give me the strength to carry on. These lovely people picked me up and cheered me on until I was able to start cheering myself on again. Thankfully my husband is in recovery now. It’s a bumpy road but he is trying. I’m trying to find myself still. I am working on me everyday and have to constantly remind myself that I am important. My confidence and self worth were destroyed and I do think I have developed depression and ptsd. It’s great that your partner has admitted he struggles with addiction, that’s a step in the right direction. But does he want to save himself? Because if he does then that is his work to do and not yours. And if he doesn’t then you should run as far as you can and save yourself and you children because it will only get worse. Sorry if that’s harsh. It’s the way it goes. I didn’t believe it could get worse and people on here told me it would and before I knew it my word was turned upside down. You have not let anybody down. You are not responsible for him or his actions and behaviours. Sending love and positivity your way x
Our stories sound similar in many ways. I also thought my partner of 10 years preferred to be out with his mates than at home with me and our kids. I also did not see what was happening right under my nose for a long time. I drove myself mad wondering what was wrong with me. Why can’t he stand to be here with us. Why are we not enough. It’s coming up to a year since he admitted to himself and to me that he is an addict. It all started to make perfect sense after that. I started to learn as much as I could about addiction I wanted desperately to understand him and make him better and in the process very nearly destroyed myself. I would cry for whole days on end and could barely function. Kept being sent home from work, day to day chores weren’t getting done but worse that all I was in such a hole I was neglecting myself and my kids. My kids in fact were looking after me at the ages on 13 and 9.
I came on here desperate for somebody to give me the strength to carry on. These lovely people picked me up and cheered me on until I was able to start cheering myself on again. Thankfully my husband is in recovery now. It’s a bumpy road but he is trying. I’m trying to find myself still. I am working on me everyday and have to constantly remind myself that I am important. My confidence and self worth were destroyed and I do think I have developed depression and ptsd. It’s great that your partner has admitted he struggles with addiction, that’s a step in the right direction. But does he want to save himself? Because if he does then that is his work to do and not yours. And if he doesn’t then you should run as far as you can and save yourself and you children because it will only get worse. Sorry if that’s harsh. It’s the way it goes. I didn’t believe it could get worse and people on here told me it would and before I knew it my word was turned upside down. You have not let anybody down. You are not responsible for him or his actions and behaviours. Sending love and positivity your way x
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: I know i have to let go
Beautiful recovery butterfly 
and well said ..
I wish you and your family well
Keep going girl your a winner
Live in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
and well said ..I wish you and your family well
Keep going girl your a winner
Live in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Re: I know i have to let go
Thank you everyone. I know i have to try and stay strong. I just want to help him so much. I am on day 3 of him ignoring me. I called his mum yesterday because i am genuinely concerned for his welfare. She has told me he is not going to work at the moment. I feel like she feels I am the reason for him being like this. Although deep down i know she probably knows more about him and his past relationships than i do. I will continue to resist messaging him or trying to help him.
Re: I know i have to let go
Welcome Mf.
There is no need for you to help your husband. The only person who can help him is himself. You have done nothing wrong, and the only way back is for him to completely turn everything around.
It isn't an illness. It's a choice.
When I had got the stage with my addict son when I thought that he was behaving with utter contempt towards us, and that if we continue to, we would lose everything, our money, our relationship, and our health, I asked my husband if he would still be supporting our other son, if our other son had abused a first wife and a second wife, said foul and filthy things about me, his mother, stolen money from us and lied and threatened and insulted all of this family and friends, the only difference being that no drugs or alcohol would have been involved.
It's ridiculous. There is no excuse and I have deeply sorry that you are being put through this. Please do try to get free. I'm sorry if my message comes over as rather strong, but I am telling you what I think you need to hear. This is a really horrible story and I can imagine your grief, helplessness and anger. P.
There is no need for you to help your husband. The only person who can help him is himself. You have done nothing wrong, and the only way back is for him to completely turn everything around.
It isn't an illness. It's a choice.
When I had got the stage with my addict son when I thought that he was behaving with utter contempt towards us, and that if we continue to, we would lose everything, our money, our relationship, and our health, I asked my husband if he would still be supporting our other son, if our other son had abused a first wife and a second wife, said foul and filthy things about me, his mother, stolen money from us and lied and threatened and insulted all of this family and friends, the only difference being that no drugs or alcohol would have been involved.
It's ridiculous. There is no excuse and I have deeply sorry that you are being put through this. Please do try to get free. I'm sorry if my message comes over as rather strong, but I am telling you what I think you need to hear. This is a really horrible story and I can imagine your grief, helplessness and anger. P.