Hi

[olderbutwiser]

Hi, I’m new to the group but have posted on a few Facebook groups and Reddit before. I’ve been on a journey the last 2 and a quarter years and keen to find a support group to help me and help me better support my partner moving forward.
A bit of history. I was married to an older man for 20 years and the longer we were together the more I fell out of love with him. Rather than make the mature decision to end our marriage I began a massive journey of self destruction and hurt him terribly. Something I have regretted every day since. We did eventually separate and divorce and I began my life alone. I was desperate to find love again and in 2019 I met my current partner, who I knew had been to prison for trafficking weed and who had used drugs in his past but who told me this was his past and I believed his use to be recreational.
We moved in together and fast forward 2 years his dad died and I found him in the middle of the night using crack cocaine. Now I have been no angel as mentioned above but I had worked through my issues and was (am) in a good place. I thought it was a one off but then a couple months later he bought it home again, and asked me if I minded. At the time I wasn’t really sure how I felt so I gave him permission and off he rushed like an excited kid to do it. I even almost tried it but changed my mind and the next day I told him. He had promised me it would be the first and last time, but when I told him the next day I was upset about it he refused to acknowledge my feelings. His mum arrived the next day and in an argument in front of her I ended up telling her what had happened. He told me I was dead to him and he was leaving. I went to my family for a few days but we ended up getting back together. (Our relationship had always been very turbulent prior to this as we are very different people and he is by his own admission a difficult person).
Fast forward a few months and his use has increased from monthly to fortnightly to weekly and then several times a week.
I tried everything, crying, anger, threats, begging, pleading, rationalising but of course nothing changed. I started doing everything alone and taking on all the responsibilities in the house while he was either working, using or sleeping. He’s always been one for lying in bed at the weekends but we basically had no relationship anymore.
I kept telling him he had to leave if he didn’t stop and he kept telling me he didn’t have a problem and I had a ridiculous obsession with it. I had some counselling with Adfam, confided in family and friends but was too weak to take action. I had become totally codependent on him. I began to get really angry that he was using in the house where my teenage kids live. He came to Xmas dinner high one year and blamed me for causing a scene. You know the drill. It was always my fault for causing trouble and he wasn’t affecting anyone but himself. Said he’s discreet so not harming my kids.
As time went by I got stronger and angrier and I hate to say I have shamed him at times, called him names and screamed and shouted at him. All in my misguided attempts to knock some sense into him. Eventually in Jan this year he moved into our spare room and he is about to move out into a flat by himself.
It’s grotty and my heart breaks that it’s come to this.
Now I know this is the right thing for all of us but I still feel guilty. And he still blames me for not respecting him or being supportive enough. I have told him it’s impossible to support someone in complete denial but I do think I would do things differently if I knew then what I know now. But I’m not an expert in drug addiction and knew nothing about it back at the start.
I’m looking forward to my future, I still love him and we care about each other. But he still manages to make me feel like the bad guy.
I’ve come a long way but would still like to talk to others in the same boat to get confirmation I am indeed doing the right thing and also to help him moving forward. He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet and he believes being alone and in peace he will stop. I’m not sure it could go either way.
Anyway sorry for the essay and I hope to attend an in person support group soon, once he has gone. He has the keys and is leaving in the next week or 2.
Thanks for reading.
Ps I think this is karma for what I did to my ex. But I have learnt my lesson now.

[lesleerose]

Dearest OBW
Big hugs and welcome to famanon this is really a fantastic bunch of ppl all with the same problem as you … a loved one in active addiction… I myself am in recovery 25 years now with Alcohols Anonymous… I come on here for my addict daughter she is 40 now and been using on and of since her early teens …
No I don’t think this is karma at all … you got it together and came off of what you were using so you’re truly a brave loving mother … you have 100% done the right thing regarding your partner crack cocaine is horrendous… you nearly used and as you and I know we can’t do that or we run the danger of going to hell again and that’s insanity … you have answered all of your own questions
Please stay with us we love each other back to health purchase some literature from admin they give of themselves freely and are in exactly the same position….
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[LM66]

Hi OBW
Yes, you are doing the right thing. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make someone stop using drugs - it's down to them. He either wants recovery, or he doesn't, it's that simple. Living with someone in active addiction is a nightmare, and so destructive. He just can't see what you see.
None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. Some mistakes can be absolute humdingers, but this is life. That doesn't mean that we have to accept someone's unacceptable behaviour. So no, it's not karma, it's just shit luck!
Stick to your guns! You didn't make your own journey to have someone else stuff it up!
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Hello!

Welcome. Your story is very compelling. A really big well done on everything that you have achieved, and for goodness sake, stop worrying about past mistakes. As LM have said, we have all made them, without exception.

Put yourself, your needs and your life ahead of this selfish addict. He can change if he wants to, but one thing is for sure, and that is that nothing that you do will influence him one jot. P.

[olderbutwiser]

Thanks all for your kind words. I have never been an addict but I have behaved badly and been lost. I did to my ex husband what is being done to me now. Just the details are different. But I was on a journey to self destruction as he is now.
I do know I’m doing the right thing but the guilt is just sitting there under the surface all the time. Have I been too hard on him, did I do enough, could I have done things differently or better.
I can’t wait for him to leave so I can regain control of my life, but at the same time my heart is broken.
I pray he sorts himself out and becomes happy as he is very depressed. Always had been I think. I am the opposite, a happy and optimistic person so the drain on my energy has been extreme.
I think regular chats with others in the same situation will be beneficial to help me understand my mixed emotions right now and put me in good stead for the future

[olderbutwiser]

I should add he is currently a functioning addict. He had a very strong work ethic and had never asked me for money and has always paid his share of financial commitments. Clearly that’s not enough for a relationship but in his mind he’s never let me down

[LM66]

I think how you're feeling is normal. You love someone, but at the same time, know that they are not healthy for you. All these feelings and thoughts rattling about in your mind - just keep focussed on what is best for you.
Emotional vampires! Some people are constantly down and negative. I don't mean this to offend anyone who truly suffers from depression, as it is so very debilitating. I refer to those people who never want a solution to their problems, as they want to moan about the problem. " you could give someone a bag with a million dollars in it, and they would complain the bag was too heavy". They suck the soul from you if you let them. You keep that energy for you!
Much Love
L x

[olderbutwiser]

Very true! He is definitely one of those. We’ve just had a text convo discussing our future where he feels the need to tell me there may be no way back for us. I agreed and said we will be independent and see what will be and then he’s back to taking offence.
I know I’m on the right path for me. If he wants a relationship with me he is welcome to step up. But I will never step down again as long as I live. I want to be alone. I can’t wait to be alone. It’s liberating